


State of Mind

by Mercy_Rhyne



Series: State of Mind [1]
Category: Sanders Sides
Genre: Deals With Depression, Dystopian Future, I say as I write angst, M/M, Moments of angst, My boys deserve so much better, Revolution, Sadness, a bit of fluff here and there and probably angst later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-01 21:51:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 104,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12713628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercy_Rhyne/pseuds/Mercy_Rhyne
Summary: "Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful, to make murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind."- George Orwell





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: There’s one or two swears. I think that’s it

Virgil Casey hurried away from the concrete prison people called a supermarket. He had just finished a long shift. A long day of faking smiles at people and feigning interest at their stories. Another day of Upper Classers scowling at him as they studied his colourless clothing. Another day of listening to Lower Middle Classers yapping on about their day. 

The only thing that got Virgil through this ridiculously long day was the prospect of meeting with his boyfriend again. That thought was the only thing that made him get up in the morning. Virgil’s life consisted of long days in the supermarket and scanning the internet for jobs. His Determination was to be a secretary, and to be honest, that was not a job he was looking forwards to. It meant that first, he had to go through years of working eight hours a day in a grey, muggy office, getting lousy promotion after lousy promotion until he finally reached his goal. A secretary. Even the thought of getting a job like that made Virgil want to throw up. But he had no choice but to accept it. It had been determined for him and nothing could change it. He envied the Upper Class, for they got the best Determinations. They could be actors, singers, judges or CEOs. While the best Virgil, a Lower Middle Classer, could get was a cook. And he didn’t even know how to cook. 

Virgil hid his face in the big hood of his black coat as he sped up his pace. He had to get to his apartment quickly and take a shower. He had to watch the six o'clock news. Then, he would hopefully be able to meet up with his boyfriend, far away from the town. When he got to their meeting place near one of the forests that lay on the outskirts of town, it would be around seven o'clock and the sun would start to set. This would allow the two males to roam freely without fear of the State’s cameras spying on them. Of course, they would have to be mindful of the microphones that littered the areas around the town, but as long as they stayed in the woods, they would be safe. Relatively safe. 

When Virgil arrived at his apartment, he noticed that it was twenty to six. He had more than enough time to take a shower and grab a snack before the news started. Virgil never really liked the news. They hardly ever discussed anything good. It only glorified the piece of crap country they lived in. The only reason Virgil watched the news was because he knew the State would be suspicious if he didn’t. He’d heard enough stories about people being accused of rebellious beliefs after skipping the news. Whether or not those stories were true, he didn’t know, but he didn’t want to risk anything. He already risked enough by meeting with an Upper Classer on a regular basis. 

After a short, refreshing shower, Virgil walked to his cramped kitchen to get out some crackers before slowly making his way to his living room. It was hardly big enough to fit two chairs - it was a Lower Class residence, after all - but it was all he could afford for now. He knew that, as soon as he got a fitting office job, he’d be able to upgrade to a bigger apartment. Virgil would be able to get out of this tiny apartment eventually, but he knew there would be people living here permanently after he left. It was so unfair, he told himself as he made himself comfortable on one of his chairs. The Upper Classes possessed mansions, fancy cars, and more technology than the any other class. Meanwhile, the Lower Classes had to live in apartments that were just enough to accommodate them or their family, living off of a retail job. Most of the Lower Classes worked double shifts, and they still struggled to keep their heads above water. And the State tried to claim their society was a perfect one. The sad thing was that many people actually believed this. After years, decades of brainwashing, they believed that this society was perfectly balanced. They thought that it was only fair that the Upper Classes lived a life of luxury, while the lowest barely sustained themselves. It just wasn’t right. 

The news started and Virgil was greeted by the smiling face of the news anchor, Rebecka Taylor. Just another Upper Classer. Only the UCs ever appeared on TV. The Upper Middle classes sometimes made an appearance too, but that was all. Virgil barely took in what Rebecka told her viewers as he feigned interest in the facts. 

Thirty minutes later, Rebecka ended the news with her signature wave and a charismatic smile. The screen turned to black for a moment, as Virgil reached for the remote control. He turned the TV off just as the next program started. He noticed a quick flash of red and blue before the screen changed to black again. The easy part had been finished, now for the more complicated bit. 

Virgil stretched his arms above his head before pushing himself off the couch. He walked to the small window next to him and looked outside. The setting sun covered the small alley outside in a gorgeous orange light and Virgil smiled. He could enjoy this for hours. But he didn’t have the time. Living in a Lower Class apartment meant he lived on the edge of the town, and he had agreed to meet his boyfriend near the woods on the other side of town. He had no money to afford any means of transportation, so Virgil had to cross the entire town in order to reach his destination. 

The man made sure to look at the outdoors just a bit longer and tried to make a thoughtful face. Then he looked up to the sky and smiled before heading to his coatrack. Virgil grabbed and put on his coat, made sure he had his keys, and hurried out the door. There. It didn’t take an Upper Classer to act.  
  


Virgil slowly made his way through the town, shooting the occasional smile at the inhabitants. His hands were buried in his pockets and he kept his gaze fixed on the ground. On multiple occasions, Virgil bumped into people, in which case, he would look up and shoot them an apologetic smile before continuing his journey. Slowly but surely, the houses of the two lower classes made way for the houses of the Upper Middle Classes. These dwellings looked so much better than the houses in Virgil’s neighbourhood. Officially, the four classes weren’t segregated. And for the most part, this was true. The Lower Middle Classes lived close to both the Lower Classes and the Upper Middle Classes, but it would be a lie to say their neighbourhoods were equally well-kept. The Lower neighbourhoods were crowded and the maintenance was bad, to say the least. The houses were often grimy, because the poorer Lower Classes could not afford to clean them; and even if they could, most of them were too busy working multiple jobs. Some had to live with broken windows for weeks before they could get them fixed. The Middle Classers who lived here were people like Virgil, who had been determined to work in an office or a fast-food restaurant. 

The Upper Middle neighbourhoods on the other side however, looked so much better. The people there could actually afford to maintain their homes. They were the lawyers and the teachers, the people who had some sort of authority over the others. Virgil hoped that someday, he would make enough money to live in that neighbourhood, but he knew that would never happen. He was determined to be a secretary; he would have to follow someone’s orders and execute them correctly. He would never get out of the Lower neighbourhoods. Sure, he could upgrade to a bigger apartment one day, but it would never be as good as the Upper Middle neighbourhood. 

Finally, Virgil reached the end of the town. His feet had grown tired and the sun was about to set. If Roman came in time, they would be able to watch the sun go down together. The boy turned his head to see the sky was coloured a bright orange, and he smiled. In the distance, he could see the mansions that belonged to the richest Upper Classes. One day, Roman would own one of those houses. It was a shame Virgil would never be able to step inside. All he could do was look at it from a distance. With a sigh, he tore his eyes away from the faraway neighbourhood and turned around, walking until there was a safe distance between him and the city. When he had found a comfortable place, Virgil sat down on a grassy hill and waited for his partner to show up. 

Time slowly crept by and every passing moment, the sun got lower and lower. Eventually, Virgil heard the sound of footsteps approaching. Slowly and softly: Roman was trying to surprise him. The man grinned and turned his head. 

“Nice try, Ro,” he said as he pushed himself up, “but not good enough.” 

“I could at least try, right?” Roman asked as he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. Virgil nodded and looked up at the slightly older man. He rested his head on Roman’s chest and sighed contently. These little moments with his boyfriend were everything to him. He wanted this to last forever. He wanted to be able to see Roman on a daily basis. He wanted to be able to walk the streets, talking to his boyfriend; to have movie marathons and talk until they fell asleep. He didn’t want this secrecy. But they had to keep it up. The State could not find out about their relationship. As the two men sat down to watch the last moments of the sunset, Virgil looked up at Roman, who kept his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders. 

“How did the audition go?” Virgil asked after a short, but comfortable silence. His head still rested on Roman’s chest. If only this moment could last.

‘It went great!“ Roman replied excitedly. “I don’t want to brag, but I think I might have a chance to be cast.”

“Of course you do,” Virgil muttered, “it’s you. And I’m certain you are amazing.”

“You haven’t seen my competition.” It was just a normal comment, not meant to be harmful in any way, but it still hurt. It was true: Virgil, as a Lower Middle Classer - and he was even verging on Lower Class - would not be able to go to the cinema. It was one of the many rules the State had issued. Films were only meant for the Upper and Upper Middle Classers. He’d never be able to see Roman on the big screen. And that hurt. So incredibly much. 

“Don’t remind me,” Virgil said softly, burying his face in Roman’s white shirt. Roman looked down at the top of his partner’s head in confusion before the realisation settled in. “Oh sh- Virge, I’m sorry. I-”

“It’s fine.” Virgil’s voice sounded muffled by the fabric of Roman’s clothing. "It’s not your fault we live in this piece-of-crap society.” Roman tensed up and looked around, making sure no one was near. They had established there were not microphones here, but there could be spies lurking everywhere. Luckily, they were alone for now. 

“Virge…”

“I know, I know. I should be more careful with my words because people could hear us,” Virgil interrupted monotonously, sitting up again to lock eyes with Roman. The sun was low on the horizon, bathing the men in a bright orange hue. The light brought out the natural sparkle in Roman’s brown eyes and Virgil’s heart skipped a beat as soon as he saw. Something about this made his boyfriend look so much more attractive, so breathtaking, and honestly, he wanted to kiss him right then and there.  But he didn’t. Instead, he took a breath to get himself out of this temporary trance and spoke: “But isn’t it… weird to say that while our relationship is literally illegal? We are in danger as we speak, why should I have to censor myself?”

“I don’t want you to get into any more trouble,” Roman said. “If they catch you saying stuff like that, you might get into even more trouble.”

“I don’t care,” Virgil said softly, not taking his eyes off of his boyfriend. He lifted one hand to brush a few strands of hair away from Roman’s face. “I don’t care what happens to me. I just want to be with you, Ro. I couldn’t care less about what they’ll do if they find out. This society is shit, but you make it better.” Roman smiled down at Virgil and cupped his cheeks, pressing a soft kiss on his lips. 

“I love you, Virgil.”

“I love you too,” Virgil whispered in response before he pulled Roman in for another kiss. “So much.”

The two men sat there for hours, just talking. Eventually, they lay down on the hill to look at the stars above them. It was so peaceful and both of them wanted this moment to last forever. But far too soon, it turned to ten pm and the two had to say their goodbyes. Virgil had to walk all the way back to his apartment and he would have to get up early the next day to go to his work again. 

So the two shared a few more kisses, a few more hugs and they vowed to meet again soon. And they parted ways. 

On the way back, Virgil had mixed feelings. On the one hand, he was ecstatic after having seen his boyfriend again. These moments were his most treasured memories because they were so rare. But on the other hand, it was times like these, after spending hours with Roman, that his heart ached for more of those moments. He wanted to share his life with Roman, but he couldn’t. All because he was born in the wrong class. It wasn’t fair. Who were the State to think they could decide what he needed in his life? 

His hands balled to fists in the deep pockets of the black hoodie he wore. Virgil stopped to look at a few small shops in the Lower quarters, to make sure the State would not be too suspicious of his long absence, and continued to his apartment. Usually, when one stepped into their home, they would be greeted with a certain satisfaction of entering their home again. That was not the case with Virgil. When he stepped into the small apartment he had to call his ‘home’, he was overcome with a sense of disgust and loathing. He had just enough space to live and to move, but that was it. The grey walls were decorated by nothing but dents and cracks. The bathroom was invaded by mould that returned, no matter what he tried to get rid of it. In the past two years, he had to endure more leaks and malfunctions than he could count. More often than not, his heater broke, which meant he would have to sit through the cold winter with little more than a few extra sweaters. The winter was coming up and his heater still worked, miraculously, though it could stop working at any given moment. 

He knew the State did not care. They did not care they had to live in these miserable conditions. They did not care that people were dying from lack of warmth, lack of food or lack of care. They did not care. Not about them. They were only the lower classes, why would anyone care? It was like they were the scum of the earth, the dirt that clung to your shoes after a day in the woods. They were insignificant. They didn’t matter. 

And the worst thing was: most people knew this. Yet, they accepted it. They didn’t question it; this was just the way it was. No one even tried to change it. But there had to be something they could do. There had to be some way they could make a change. Or at least try to do so. Virgil did not want to sit back and watch as the State decided what he wanted, what he could and could not do. He had been passive for twenty-three years. Twenty-three long years. And now it was time for action. 

Patton looked at the door that had been slammed shut. He had noticed something odd about the inhabitant of the apartment across the hall. The young boy had a tendency to leave his home at least once a week, immediately after the six o'clock news. He would step outside, look around the hall, put his hood up, and disappear. He wouldn’t return until hours later, when the sun had set and the streets were so dark that the cameras had difficulty discerning the people from the shadows. And when the boy would return, something about his posture had changed. His back was straighter and a melancholic smile graced his features. Patton didn'ĺt know what was going on with the kid, but he knew it was something. And it was something worth investigating.


	2. Chapter 2

Virgil groaned as he woke up and looked at the clock next to his bed. It was six thirty, which meant he had about an hour to get ready for his work. Even though he hated his place, he hated his work even more. He would give up anything to get out of working - well, _almost_ anything.

It took Virgil all of his willpower to get up and shuffle to his bathroom to take a shower. Just like the rest of his tiny apartment, the bathroom was just big enough to accommodate everything it needed; a shower, toilet and a sink. At least Virgil _had_ a shower. Some of his colleagues didn’t even own one. It was almost unbelievable. If Virgil hadn’t seen it first-hand, he wouldn’t believe this. He couldn’t believe he didn’t _want_ to believe - that some people had to live like that. Especially while, on the other side of the town, there were people who were so rich that they could almost drown in their own money. It wasn’t fair. 

When he had finished his shower, Virgil plodded to his kitchen, getting himself a cracker or two and a glass of water. It wasn’t a good breakfast, but it was all he could afford. Sure, he’d love to get himself a loaf of bread from a real baker, but that would cost him a lot of money. And he couldn’t afford to spend a lot of money on food. Not if he wanted to have a roof over his head. The rent cost him more than half of the money he’d earn each month. The other half would have to be used to buy food and to maintain the few pieces of technology he possessed. Every once in a while, a generous soul would give him a tip - out of pity, Virgil reasoned. Every customer knew he had a low class: why else would a grown man be working in a supermarket? That was no job for the higher classes. So of course, the wealthier people would feel bad for this man, who could only work in a mediocre supermarket. The only advantage to this was that sometimes, he would be lucky enough to receive up to twenty dollars extra for him to spend. 

After Virgil had finished his breakfast, he still had some time to sit down in the living room and watch some television before he had to go. There were hardly any shows that Virgil enjoyed, but it was one of the few forms of entertainment he was allowed - and one of the few he could afford. For the lower classes, there were only five channels to choose from. Roman had mentioned there were many more for him to watch, but those channels were exclusive to the two higher classes. Virgil was pretty sure their shows were much better than the crap they presented to the other two classes. The few shows Virgil could watch were either stupid comedy shows that tried too hard to be funny, or shows that were filled to the brim with propaganda. It was fun to watch them if you had nothing else to do, but Virgil would never watch anything like that for his own amusement. It was too predictable and too boring for him. 

For about twenty minutes, Virgil sat there, watching one of those shows before he had to go out. Off to another day of work.

As soon as the man stepped out the door, still fumbling with his headphones, he heard another door slam shut not far away. The sudden noise made him flinch and he looked up to see what had caused the noise. He was met with a man, not much older than thirty. He wore black glasses that looked like they could fall apart at any given moment. Virgil had passed him in the hallway multiple times, but they had never really talked. 

“Oh sorry,” the man gasped, “I didn’t scare you too much, did I?”

“No… no you’re fine,” Virgil replied, faking a smile at the man. “Just didn’t see it coming. It’s nothing bad.” That wasn’t entirely true. It had startled Virgil more than he would admit. His heart started pounding at the sudden loud noise and his mind panicked for a few moments. But he could deal with it. It wasn’t _that_ bad. 

“Well, that’s a relief,” the stranger smiled, “I was afraid you might-”

“You’re fine,” Virgil repeated, slowly moving to the end of the hall, “but… if you don’t mind, I’m kind of in a hurry. I need to go to my work.”

“Oh, I get that!” The man followed Virgil’s lead. “I need to go, too. Where do you work?”

“Harvey’s.”

“I work at the Plaza, not far away from there!” the stranger shared. “Would you mind if I joined you? It’s fine if you don’t want to!”

“No that’s… cool,” Virgil stopped fumbling with his headphones and looked at the man. Honestly, he’d prefer to walk there alone, accompanied by only his music, but he couldn’t tell the male in front of him. The other man smiled at Virgil and stepped closer, extending a hand. 

“I’m Patton, by the way!” he introduced himself. “Patton Abbott.”

“Virgil,” the boy said as he shook Patton’s hand. “Casey.”

“I love your name,” Patton stated as they walked towards the staircase. Virgil’s mouth formed a small smile as he looked at the floor. 

“Thanks… I guess.”

As the two walked to their jobs, they got to know each other a little bit more. Virgil discovered that Patton was a Lower Classer. He was Determined to be a stay-at-home dad. But as he was single, he had to get a job in retail. The man was energetic and enthusiastic, the type of person who had accepted his position. The type of guy who believed that his position was fair and just. He was Virgil’s opposite in everything. Yet, Virgil found that he greatly enjoyed Patton’s company. Even after their short conversation, Virgil learned that Patton was incredibly smart and he had so much potential. He could be so much more work than a stay-at-home dad or a retail worker. 

Soon enough, he approached Harvey’s and Virgil felt his stomach filling up with dread. His job was honestly the worst thing in the world right now. The male would do anything to talk to Patton for a little longer. But he’d lose his job if he did, so Virgil forced a smile and turned to Patton. 

“Well, this is my stop,” he announced softly, “so… good luck today.”

“Thanks,” Patton smiled, noticing Virgil’s hesitance. “You too, Virgil. I’ll see you later.”

“Definitely,” Virgil said with a nod. “I’ll see you.” With those words, he turned around and opened the backdoor that granted him access to the store. Patton waved at him before he continued his walk. Virgil took a few deep breaths and walked further. He headed to the locker room where he placed his valuables in a locker and exchanged his own black shirt for a black one with the store’s logo on it; a green H, surrounded by an aura of white. Taking just a few more deep breaths, Virgil entered the shop itself and prepared himself for another dreadful day. 

Hours of fake smiles and forced politeness passed by. More Upper Classers looking at him like he was some kind of animal and Lower Middle Classers talking to him like everything was okay. It was tedious. But, one particular customer seemed to make up for all the irritation of the day. Roman. He stopped by just after Virgil’s lunch break with his groceries for that day - ever since the two started dating, Roman had stopped by the store every day. Sometimes, he’d buy only a few apples or one carton of milk, but he would be able to see Virgil again. That was the real reason for his daily visits. And Virgil couldn’t be more grateful for that.

“Good afternoon, sir,” Virgil said as Roman approached him, trying to greet his boyfriend the way he would greet any other customer. Roman answered with a gorgeous smile as the other scanned his products. He already grabbed his bank card and took out a few bills as well. Virgil told Roman how much money he owed him and the latter announced he would pay with his card. When he had done that, the man handed the bills to Virgil. 

“Just a tip,” he remarked before stepping aside to pack all of his newly-bought products. Meanwhile, Virgil looked at the money in his hand. He noticed at least two twenty dollar-bills. This was probably almost the same as he would earn in a day. It was way too much to accept. He couldn’t possibly accept this.

“Oh, sir, I can’t-”

“Take it,” Roman interrupted, shooting Virgil a friendly smile. Virgil looked up at the older male who had finished packing and now clutched the handles of his bag. 

“Okay… thank you.” It felt bad to take this amount of money, but he couldn’t refuse it. As Virgil moved to put the money away, he noticed a white piece of paper sticking out. He looked up and smiled at Roman with a small nod, to signify that he saw the note. 

“Would you like a receipt?” Virgil asked, looking down at the receipt on the counter in front of him. 

“No, thank you.”

“Alright,” Virgil crumpled the note and dropped it in the trash can that stood next to him. It was filled with paper receipts.  "Have a good day, sir.“ 

“You too,” Roman replied as he picked up his back and left the store, not looking back at Virgil as he greeted the next customer. 

The last few hours suddenly seemed much more bearable. Roman would often give Virgil secret notes like this. Sometimes, it would just be a random compliment scribbled on a small paper, but most of the time, Roman would have written down a time and date to meet again. Virgil was anxious to read the message his boyfriend had left him this time, but he would have to wait until he got home. And those last four hours seemed to fly by - a rare occurrence. 

As soon as his shift ended, Virgil hurried to the locker room to retrieve his own shirt and phone. He quickly got out his earphones and started playing some music as he left the building. The streets were crowded with people and cars, and as soon as he noticed the amount of noise, Virgil turned up the volume of his music in order to drown out any unwanted sounds. All he could think about was the note in his pocket. He couldn’t wait to get home and read it. 

The first thing Virgil did when he stepped into his apartment, was walking over to the window that looked out of the street where he had walked not even five minutes ago. On the window-sill, there stood a small jar with several bills in it. Those were the tips he had gotten from customers. At this moment, it only contained one ten-dollar bill. Now, Virgil added the fifty - _fifty_ \- dollars Roman had given him, and another five dollars he had received from another young man. 

Then, the male crashed on one of his chairs and closed his eyes for a moment, to relax. He could not wait to get another job. He never liked the prospect of working in an office, but it was better than a supermarket. Nearly anything would be better than this, really. 

Virgil sat there for at least fifteen minutes. He just sat there, with his eyes closed. He didn’t want to get up anymore. He was done with all of this. Done with the society and the box it pushed him into. Done with being forced to work at a place he didn’t like. Done with pretending he was single, and done with watching his every move, scared of what the State would think. He was done with the rules the State had forced upon them for centuries. He was done with everything. He just wanted to go to sleep and wake up in a world where he could do whatever he wanted without being judged or even arrested for it. And more than that, he wanted to live in a world where he could see his boyfriend whenever he wanted. He didn’t want to have to communicate through small notes. But this was their life now and he would have to accept it.

Virgil got up and walked to the bathroom. This was the only room where he could open the note and read it without the State looking over his shoulder. Because even the State was humane enough to allow their citizens that tiny bit of privacy. And there were still microphones in the bathroom, so it wasn’t like you could escape to the bathroom to do anything illegal. Besides, there was at least one camera pointed at the door leading to the bathroom, so the State would know if you brought anything suspicious with you. 

As Virgil entered the bathroom, he waited for a few moments and turned on the shower. When that was done, he sat down on the ground and slowly folded the note open, afraid to tear its paper. His eyes scanned the paper and his read the words his boyfriend had written down in his elegant handwriting:

_Hey there, gorgeous! How about we meet Saturday, eight pm? The place on your side of town?_  
_Confirm tomorrow._  
_I love you so much, sweetheart. I can’t wait to see you again._

_Love, Roman_

Virgil smiled and reread the note over and over again. He couldn’t believe he was this lucky to have someone like Roman in his life. But at the same time, it hurt so much to know that they could never spend more than a few hours together. Their only way to communicate in public, was by giving each other notes in secret. Roman was someone he wanted to spend his life with, but he couldn’t even spend a full day with this man. And it hurt. 

Virgil did anything he usually did if he faked a shower; he opened the bottle of shampoo, opened the bottle of shower gel, placed his head underneath the warm rays of water for a few seconds. When Virgil had turned off his shower, he opened the drawer that held his towels and got out one of his new towels - it was still soft. He dried his face and threw the towel on the ground. As he waited for a few more moments, Virgil reread the message Roman had sent him. Then, Virgil hid it in his pocket again and stepped out of the bathroom, acting like nothing had happened. The note seemed to burn in his pocket. He wanted to read it again. He wanted to read it over and over and never stop reading.  
But instead, he walked to his small kitchen and opened the fridge. It was awfully empty. The only things he kept in there, were a couple of apples and a half full bottle of juice. He still had a number of crackers and biscuits left, too. Virgil picked up the bottle and one of the apples, poured himself a glass of juice and searched for a cracker. That would have to do as dinner. He’d only have a short shift tomorrow, so he could get his groceries then. Maybe, with the tip Roman had given him, he would even be able to get something from the supermarket. Like one of those frozen pizzas or some egg rolls. Virgil had never had either of those two foods before, but they looked delicious. Maybe he’d get one of those soon. Usually, the wares of supermarkets were way out of his budget. But with the money Roman gave him, he might be able to afford buying one thing there. You had to treat yourself every once in a while, right?

After he had finished his dinner, Virgil searched his entire apartment in search for a pen and a piece of paper. He softly mumbled to himself about everything he might need to buy as he wrote a message to his boyfriend:

 _That sounds great, I’ll try my best to be there! I already miss you._  
_I love you more. I’m already looking forwards to seeing you again._

_Virgil_

As he finished the note, Virgil put down the pen and folded the paper, making sure the State would not be able to see anything on their cameras. He then placed the note on his table and told himself that he would have to remember to take it with him when he left the house the next day. Virgil got up to look at the street below him. Sure, the neighbourhood might be shit, but he had lived here for five years and something about it started to appeal to him. He knew the name of every little shop there. He knew who ran them and he knew who were regular customers there. He knew where they sold the best drinks and what shops to avoid. He had gotten acquainted with the way the shops looked, the way they smelled even, and he had started to grow fond of it. That didn’t mean he couldn’t wait to get out of this apartment, though. Virgil did hope that, when he did finally buy a new apartment, he would be able to remain in this neighbourhood. Sure, he’d love to move to a better neighbourhood closer to Roman, but after so many years, he knew these streets. He knew the alleys and the people and he didn’t want to move to a neighbourhood where he had to get used to everything all over again. Virgil ran his hands through his short, brown hair and turned back. It was a quarter to six, which meant he had to watch the news in fifteen minutes again. The true highlight of his day. 

But just before that, Virgil headed for his kitchen to get himself a glass of water to keep him company during the news. 

Like always, the man pretended to be intrigued by everything Rebecka Taylor told him. He feigned shock when she mentioned that a number of people had been arrested on suspicions of rebellious beliefs, relief when she confirmed that their branch of the so-called revolutionary movement had been decimated, and joy when she said that the economy had grown yet again in the past months. The economy always grew and Virgil had barely experienced any changes in his daily life. If there even was any growth, it only affected the higher classes. The lower classes never profited from anything that happened ever. They didn’t matter, after all. They never mattered. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: a bit of strong language I think?

The next morning didn’t differ from the last. Virgil got up way too early, had a quick shower and a lousy breakfast before heading out. He quickly grabbed a few bills from his jar so he could buy some food after his shift ended. Then, the boy stepped outside. It was only November, but the wind was already freezing cold, making it feel like late December. He couldn’t wait until summer. Then he wouldn’t have to worry about his heater breaking down or if he had enough money for a new sweater. He wouldn’t have to worry about anything, really. He loved autumn, he honestly did, but it was such a stressful period for him. And winter was even worse. Just a few seconds outside made his skin seem to freeze. Usually, the shop was quite warm, but his own apartment was often just as cold as the outside. His heater had a tendency to give up on him in the winter, and as it was quite expensive to have someone look at it, Virgil would have to suffer through the cold for most of the season. The nights were the worst. It would be freezing cold and he had nothing to keep him warm except his pyjamas and blankets. And that hardly sufficed. But he got used to it. He never got immune to the cold, but he got used to it. He learned to deal with it. He had no choice.

Virgil walked to the supermarket, keeping his eyes focussed on the ground in front of him. That way, he wouldn"t have to make any awkward eye contact with strangers _and_ he wouldn’t trip over anything. It was a win-win situation. 

His music managed to distract him from the icy cold weather of the outside. His face was numb from the cold wind and he could hardly feel his hands, but music seemed to make it more bearable. Music made everything more bearable. 

But, not long before Virgil reached the supermarket, someone walked into him. The man stumbled forwards and he felt his phone slipped out of the pocket of his jacket. The chord of his headphones was ripped out of the device as it fell to the ground. Virgil cursed as he picked it up. The screen of his phone was cracked - it had been for some time now, but Virgil was sure he noticed a crack that wasn’t there before. And when he tried to turn the phone on, he failed. With a groan, Virgil stuffed the phone back in his pocket. He would have to get that repaired soon. That meant he wouldn’t be able to buy anything but his usual groceries. He might even have to cut back on his expenses for the week if he wanted to pay for the repair of his phone. But if that’s what he had to do, then… so be it. It’s not like this was the first time something like this happened, after all. He could get through this. He had learned to survive by now.

Grumbling under his breath, Virgil entered the store and walked to the locker room to get rid of his phone. He quickly grabbed the black shirt and put it on. Taking a deep breath, Virgil got up and approached the door leading to the actual shop itself and reluctantly opened it.

When Virgil stepped into the store, he was met with a flash of bright red hair running up to him. A short girl wrapped her arms around the older male. Virgil froze in shock for a few moments, until he realised _who_ was hugging him. When he had gotten to the conclusion that the girl was trustworthy, his heart made a jump of relief and he returned the hug. The girl in his arms was Daya Adine, an eighteen year old Lower Classer. She had only worked at Harvey’s for a few months, but all her colleagues automatically liked her, due to her enthusiastic and loveable nature. She was especially close to Virgil, who saw her as a younger sister. The girl was so innocent and sweet, and Virgil just wanted to make sure she was alright. He knew life could be rough for the lower classes, and especially the first year alone was difficult. As soon as someone turned eighteen, they were completely independent. This meant that the had to move out and get a job to take care of themselves. They had to buy and prepare their own food and do everything by themselves. This was never easy, not even for the higher classes. But for the lower classes, it was near impossible. Most of them struggled for years, hardly managing to make enough money to pay rent. For some of them, the struggle never ended. Virgil knew how difficult the first few months were and he wanted to be there for Daya as much as possible. He didn’t want her to have to go through it all on her own.

“I missed you, Virge,” the girl muttered, not releasing him from her tight embrace. 

“I missed you too,” Virgil responded softly, still in shock. After a few short moments, he pulled away from the hug, resting his hands on the female’s shoulders. The man studied her face worriedly. Something about her features was off. Her skin seemed paler than usual and her hair was messier than before. “Where have you been? You were gone for more than a week! I was afraid the State might have gotten to you!”

“I… I was having some trouble with my apartment,” she hesitantly told the man, not meeting his eyes. “The lighting broke and I had to repair that, but because of the money that it cost, I couldn’t pay back my landlord and I lost my apartment. So, I had to look for another one and I couldn’t… show up here.”

“D, you should have come to me,” he said softly, pushing a strand of hair away from her face. “I could have helped you out a little.”

“I know,” Daya whispered, “but I didn’t want to-“

"Hey, D,” Virgil interrupted, taking a step backwards to look into Daya’s brown eyes. “If you ever get in trouble with rent again, just come to me. I’ll always help you as much as I can, okay?” Daya nodded and smiled at the taller man. 

“Thanks, Virge,” she said. “You’re amazing. I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Virgil responded, “and if you need anything, just come to me. I don’t want you ending up in the Outskirts.”

"I know, I know,” Daya answered, resting her head on her friend’s shoulder. “That won’t happen.”

“It won’t,” Virgil agreed, “I’ll make sure of that. Now… let’s get to work, okay?”

His day was just as tedious as every other day. It was filled with faking politeness to customers who hardly seemed to notice he was even there. But just before his break, Roman came in. Virgil smiled up at his boyfriend as he scanned his products. It took Virgil every ounce of willpower he possessed to not look up at Roman. He wanted to. So, so badly. But he hardly looked at his regular customers and Virgil didn’t want to do anything out of the ordinary. He could not let the State find out about their relationship. So he scanned the products, told Roman was he had to pay, took his money and handed him the change, trying not to get lost in those gorgeous eyes of his. 

“Would you like a receipt?” Virgil asked, finally looking up at Roman - and _God_ his eyes were so beautiful. This manwas so beautiful. He was the most gorgeous person Virgil had ever seen. 

“Yes please,” Roman replied with that gorgeous smile. Oh dear God, he was so fucking handsome. Virgil nodded and waited for the receipt to be printed. When it did, he tore it free from the small machine and very quickly, he reached for the small note in his pocket. He folded the receipt around the note before handing it to Roman with a smile. _(Was it too friendly? Did they notice his smile was more genuine than usual? What if they knew he was dating Roman? Would they know already? What would happen if they did?)_

“There you go,” Virgil said as Roman took the receipt. Their fingers brushed against each other and Virgil’s heart skipped a beat. Even after months of dating, it still felt like it did when they just started dating. Every time he saw Roman, his heart stopped beating for a few moments. Every time he saw Roman laughing or smiling, he couldn’t help but smile himself. And every single time he thought of his boyfriend, Virgil felt a feeling of happiness he’d never felt before. He just couldn’t believe he was lucky enough to be dating a guy like Roman, even if it was illegally. 

Roman smiled as he thanked Virgil. He grabbed the bag with his products as Virgil returned the smile. 

“No problem, sir,” he responded, not looking at Roman anymore. “Have a nice day.”

“Thank you,” the other man repeated himself. “You too.”

Virgil nodded with a smile as Roman left. The boy took a deep breath as the next customer approached him. He smiled at the young female in front of him as he scanned her products. Now he just had to get through this day.

After six long hours of work, Virgil was finally free to go. He said his goodbyes to Daya - who had her break at the time - and left the store. The man was almost reluctant to leave the warm store behind him, but he knew he couldn’t stay here. All he really wanted was to go home. He wanted to go to his apartment, sit down and sleep as long as he wanted. But he knew that first, he’d have to go to the store to get his phone repaired. 

Virgil dreaded going to the store. The only employees were the more fortunate Lower Middle Classers and sometimes Higher Middle Classers. And every time he’d step inside, he could feel the employees judging him. They'd look him up and down and Virgil could practically _hear_ them asking themselves what someone like _him_ was doing in a store like this. He never felt comfortable in the store. That's why he never visited unless he absolutely had to. He took a deep breath and finally entered the store. There were two other people waiting in line ' all of them looked so much fancier than he did. They were helped by a young woman in a dark blue shirt. He waited in line for what felt like hours before he could address his problem.

"Hey, I... need to have my phone repaired," Virgil said softly as he stepped forwards. He could feel the woman looking at him. He was certain she was judging him. He didn't belong here. He was so could of place here. "It- it fell and I can't get it to work again." He placed his phone on the counter and looked at the woman in front of him. She carefully picked up the device and studied it. 

"This is a pretty old device," she noted. "Wouldn't you prefer to buy a newer model?"

"No, I can't afford a new phone," Virgil softly admitted, looking down. "so I'll just.. keep this one."

"Well, I fear this won't be cheap either," the female said, turning the phone around. "Right now, I cannot see what's wrong with your phone, but I think it will at least cost your one hundred fifty dollars. We could replace the screen, but that will cost you at least fifty dollars extra."

Shit. That was a _lot_ of money. That was almost as much as he made in an entire week. But he had no choice; it was either this or no phone at all. 

"I'll just... leave the screen be. That would be too expensive."

"Alright," the girl said with a fake smile. She typed some things on the keyboard in front of her while looking at a high tech screen that emitted a soft blue glow. "Name and class number?"

"Casey," Virgil replied, "Virgil Casey. 3,89616."

The female softly repeated his name as she typed it out. 

"Virgil Casey, let's see... I think I have you right here," she muttered, "Virgil Casey, LMC."

"That's me," the guy said bitterly. The girl typed some more before she fell silent for a couple of moments, reading something on her screen. 

"Alright... come back in a week, hopefully, we'll have fixed your phone by then," she said with a smile. 

"Okay," Virgil nodded, faking a smile of his own. "Thank you, I'll be sure to stop by next week."

With those words, Virgil turned around and left the small store. His walk home was weirdly quiet. Too quiet. He was used to listening to his music while walking outside, but without his phone, it was quite difficult to do so. And even though he heard the sounds of cars passing by and people talking to their friends, it was quiet without the comforting tones of his music. The only reason Virgil even possessed a phone was to listen to music. It always calmed him down. No matter what he felt; anxiety, anger, sadness, even loneliness. Everything could be cured by just a few songs. Music allowed Virgil to forget about his worries and to disappear, to step into a world that was so different from his own. Where there was nothing to fear, nothing to hide. The male listened to music whenever he could. It was one of the two things that kept him sane in this ridiculous society. And it was definitely worth the expenses. Even if it was the cause of many of his financial troubles. It kept him going, and that was more valuable than anything. 

On his way home, Virgil stopped by the small store near his home to pick up some groceries. The store was located in a small, dismal building that was illuminated by two small lamps. Everything one could possibly need was in that store. It wasn't of perfect quality, but it was the best Virgil could afford. As soon as he stepped into the shop, Virgil was greeted by a familiar, musty smell. 

"Good to see you again, Virgil." He was greeted by Grace Phell, the women who ran the shop. She was an elder woman. Everyone in the neighbourhood knew her and she knew everyone. Grace's small supermarket was one of the few that the inhabitants of the Lower Quarters could afford, which meant that they all came by on a regular basis. It was miraculous how this woman could remember all the information she had to take in every day. 

"How are you today?" 

"The usual," Virgil replied as he picked up a few boxes of crackers. "I've been better but... I can't complain."

"Have you heard Daya showed up again?" The man smiled as he looked through the shop for more food for him to buy. Grace always seemed to know everything as soon as it happened. How she did it, he didn't know. 

"Yeah," Virgil nodded. "I saw her at work today."

"How is she doing?" 

"She's well, I suppose," Virgil shrugged. He grabbed a carton of milk and a bottle of watery-looking apple juice. In a hurry, he even grabbed three packs of instant noodles. That would last him a few days, he reckoned. "She said she got kicked out of her old apartment, so she had to find a new one but... I don't think anything else happened."

"That's good," Grace said. She cared for Daya like she was her own daughter. In fact, she saw all her customers as her own children. She only wanted the best for all of them. Virgil scanned the shop one last time before he came to the conclusion that he needed nothing else. So he turned around and approached Grace, who was stood behind the counter. 

"Yeah," Virgil nodded. "I worry about her though. I'm scared that she'll end up in the Outskirts like this. I told her to come to me if she needed help, but I don't know if she well."

"She's a strong girl, Virgil," Grace reassured him as she scanned his products. "I think she would survive there, even if she did end up there. But God forbid that happens." 

"I know," the man nodded as he got out his wallet. "But the Outskirts aren't a place for someone as young as her. I don't think she'd ever get out of there. You know what it's like."

"I do." Grace took the money Virgil held out to her - she didn't even have to tell him what he owed her. "And I don't want her to end up there either. I'm just saying that... _if_ it happens, she'll survive."

"I know she will."

"You just need to keep an eye on her," Grace advised as she offered Virgil his change. "So that, if something _does_ happen, you will be able to intervene before it gets out of hand."

"You're right," Virgil nodded. He took the bag with his newly bought products. "I will do that. Thank you."

"No problem," the older woman smiled. "And if you see Daya again, tell her I'm happy to hear she's back safely again, will you?" 

"I will," the man smiled kindly. "I should be going now. I will see you later." 

"Have a nice day, Virgil." 

"You too," Virgil smiled. He lifted his bag and walked out of the store, back into the cold outside. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: None

The days passed by and soon enough, it was Saturday. Finally, after five long days, Virgil could see his boyfriend again. It had been way too long. Just like every day, Virgil pretended to pay attention to the news, while his mind was busy with more important things. Roman, mostly.

He had waited for days just to be able to spend some quality time with the other man again and he couldn’t wait any longer. He wanted to see him again. 

When the news had ended, Virgil turned of the television immediately. He still had about an hour before he would have to leave to meet his boyfriend. That hour could not have passed by less slowly. After a few minutes, Virgil turned the television back on. Of course, there was nothing that he actually enjoyed, but it was good enough to pass the time. He barely followed anything of what the actors said, but he didn’t care. He wasn’t interested anyways. 

About an hour later, Virgil turned off the TV and looked at the sky. He could see countless stars in the dark of the night. He always loved the sky and the stars. It was a shame he never got to learn anything about it. Roman had though, and he would often point out the constellations and he would tell the myths behind them. Virgil loved hearing about this. Roman was an amazing storyteller and Virgil enjoyed listening to his boyfriend as he told him about faraway lands and times that had long passed. However, it made him wish that he could have learned that himself. He wanted to hear all these tales himself, he wanted to be able to read about them whenever he wanted. But at least he had Roman to tell him everything he wanted to know. 

He smiled contently as he remembered this. Roman was so passionate about the stars and the stories behind the constellations and their names. And hearing him so excited, so happy, it made everything so much better. 

Virgil took a deep breath as he got up. He had to leave now to meet Roman. He was almost reluctant to go out in the cold. But the fact that he would get to see his boyfriend, made up for all the cold he’d have to endure. The boy got his warmest jacket and walked out of his apartment.

As he approached, Virgil already saw Roman waiting for him, which was surprising, as Virgil was usually the first to arrive. He grinned as he picked up his pace. Roman was sat on a blanket in the middle of the field, looking up at the stars. As soon as he noticed his boyfriend approaching, the older man hurried to get up so he could wrap his arms around Virgil. The younger boy returned the hug with a content sigh, resting his head on Roman’s chest. Immediately, a familiar smell filled his nostrils. The smell of Roman’s cologne and something he could never place. Roman held Virgil so tightly, he was sure he’d break all of the other’s ribs if he wasn’t careful. But to be fair, he didn’t mind at that moment. All he wanted, was to hold Virgil as close as humanely possible. And Virgil seemed to be thinking the same thing. Virgil was hardly ever able to hug someone - the only person he hugged on a regular basis, besides Roman, was Daya - and he accepted every opportunity, even if he couldn’t breathe for a few moments. 

After a few moments, Roman pulled away ever so slightly, so he could press his lips to Virgil’s forehead. One of his hands found its way to the back of Virgil’s head, while the other remained where it was, wrapped around the boy’s waist. 

Virgil smiled and tilted his head so his lips connected with his boyfriend’s. He was convinced that, in that moment, he was the happiest he had ever been and the happiest he would ever be. Nothing could compete with the feeling of pure bliss he felt whenever he was around Roman. 

The two quietly sat down, arms still wrapped around each other. Roman reached for the bag next to him and pulled out a sweater, which he handed to Virgil. The latter smiled and gratefully accepted the piece of clothing. At least now, he’d be relatively warm. He didn’t deserve someone as thoughtful and kind as Roman. He put on the purple sweater and rested his head on Roman’s shoulder. Roman immediately wrapped his arms around Virgil. 

The two immediately started talking about anything that came to mind. They talked about their days - the occasional ‘I love you’s and ‘I wish you were there’s could not be left out - and anything they heard or read. 

“Hey, Ro,” Virgil said eventually. “You know Daya? I told you about her. She’s-”

“She’s the red-haired girl, right?” Roman interrupted. “She worked the other shift when I came.”

“That’s her,” Virgil nodded. 

“I thought she was… missing?”

“Yeah, she was,” the younger man replied. “But she was okay. Well… as okay as she could be. She had some troubles with her apartment and rent, but she’s alive. Anyways, I was thinking… she’s been having some money issues lately and I thought that maybe… instead of tipping me this week, you could tip her if you ever see her. She needs the money more than I do and I think she’d really appreciate any extra she can get.”

“Of course,” Roman immediately answered, smiling down at his boyfriend. He knew Virgil cared for Daya a lot and he would be happy to help her out as much as he could. He had more money than he could ever want and he wanted to use this money to help the lower classes, who hardly earned enough money to live.

“Thank you,” Virgil smiled. “You’re amazing.”

“No problem.” Roman kissed the top of Virgil’s head with a content smile. “Anything for you.”

Two days later, Virgil walked into the store again. The previous day had been his one day off and he had spent that entire day doing nothing at all. He’d have loved for that day to last forever, but unfortunately, he had to go to work again. Reluctantly, Virgil got himself out of bed to face yet another routine day. A day that differed in nothing from the previous days. He hated it. He hated that all his days were the same. He hated having a job with zero diversity. Every day was the same, there wasn’t a single exception. He hated having nothing that was worth waking up for. The only thing that could _actually_ get him out of bed in the morning was his boyfriend. Seeing Roman was one of the only things that got him through this slur of a life. Virgil couldn’t wait until he got a better job - even though he knew that his next job, or jobs even, would not be much better. He would never be able to get any better than a secretary job. Another job that would hardly differ from day to day. Being bossed around, all day, every day. It wasnxt much to look forward to, but maybe it would be better than this. 

As soon as he stepped inside the store, Virgil was ambushed by the younger girl he loved so much. She wrapped her arms around him, causing Virgil to stumble back a bit. Virgil chuckled as he wrapped his arms around his friend. 

“Virge!” Daya exclaimed as she pulled back a little. A huge smile played on her lips and Virgil smiled at the sight as she came to a halt in front of him. 

“Hey, D,” he smiled at her. “What are you so happy about?”

“You remember that one Upper Classer that comes here regularly?” she asked. “You know, purple hair-guy. He usually comes to your register, I think.“

"Yeah, I know who you’re talking about,” Virgil nodded with a small smile. He couldn’t even think of his boyfriend without smiling. He was so hopelessly in love with him. 

“Well, he came to my register yesterday,” she told with a smile, “and he tipped me _seventy_ dollars! That’s almost twice as much as what I earned yesterday!”

“D, that’s great!” Virgil answered. He was so lucky to have a boyfriend who was as generous as Roman. 

Roman was a blessing to this shitty society. Virgil pulled Daya in for another hug, silently thanking his partner for being so, _so_ great. 

“I know!” the girl said with a soft giggle. She was so delighted to have earned so much money and the smile on her face made his entire day. She was adorable. 

The two walked to their registers, preparing for the day. Virgil would have another short shift that day, so he had decided to see if his phone had been repaired already. From experience, he knew that it would most likely be the case, so he could finally listen to his much-needed music again.

As soon as his shift ended, Virgil walked to his locker. He grabbed his own shirt and got out of the shop as quickly as he could. He couldn’t wait to get back his phone - if they had repaired it already. Every day he spent without music, was a struggle. His music helped him through everything, and even though it would sound like such a small thing, it was everything to him. 

Virgil stepped into the next store. His nose and fingers felt numb due to the icy cold wind - even his arms were starting to feel numb. Luckily, the store was warm, so he could warm up just a little before he had to go out in the cold again. Virgil kept his eyes focussed on the floor as he waited in the line. He didn’t have to look at the other people to know he was one of the poorest people in the entire store. He knew it hadn’t been a great idea to invest in a phone, but he just couldn’t live without music. It was worth all the money he had to spend on it. And it wasn’t just for his own enjoyment, no, listening to music also helped him with his anxiety. And wasn’t that more valuable than anything?

“Hey,” Virgil said as soon as he was up. He was stood in front of a man, a few years his senior. The boy took a deep breath and looked down to avoid the man’s judging gaze. “I- I’m here to… pick up my phone? My name is Virgil Casey?”

The man started typing on the keyboard in front of him. He asked for Virgil’s class number, and the latter reluctantly gave it. The man nodded and typed some more. 

“Let me see… Virgil Casey… ah, I see your file,” he eventually said, “you came in a few days ago with your phone… ah, I see. There was an internal problem with your phone, we need to replace one small piece, but we don’t have it now. We ordered it, but you will have to wait another few days.”

“Oh, alright then,” Virgil repaired, quite disappointed. Usually, he’d be able to pick his phone up already. He never had these problems before. It really was time he bought a new one, then. “Thank you anyways. Do I need to pay any extras?” 

The man checked the information on his computer screen for a few seconds before shaking his head. “No, you won’t have to,” he reassured the other man. “Just come back here in three days and I think we should have your phone ready.”

“Alright, thank you,” Virgil said again with a forced smile before he left the store. 


	5. Chapter 5

A few weeks passed like this. Virgil got his phone back – a completely functioning phone, at that – and he continued to meet up with Roman every once in a while. Sometimes, he’d run into Patton and they would talk for a bit. Usually, it would be about trivial subjects, like the weather or their day – what else would they talk about anyways? It’s not like anything interesting happened in their lives.

But, on the first day of December, something odd happened.

When Virgil left his apartment that day, he found Patton standing there already.

“Oh, hey, Pat,” Virgil smiled as he closed the door behind him. Patton waved at the other man with a broad smile.

“Hey!” he said as he slowly approached Virgil. “Do you know the forest near the Upper neighbourhood?”

“Do you mean the one close to the mansions?” Virgil asked.

“Yeah, that one!”

“Well… I do,” the younger man replied hesitantly. He had no idea why Patton wanted to know this, but he assumed there was some reason behind it. “Why?”

“I don’t know if you know it, but there’s a clearing there and it’s gorgeous! Have you seen it?”

“No,” Virgil shook his head. He had taken a few walks through those woods, but he never found a clearing. But he still was oblivious to the reason that Patton started about the forest in the first place. He looked at the older man, hoping to find some hint in his expression, but he saw nothing but Patton’s usual glee. As they walked to their jobs, Patton grabbed Virgil’s hand. It wasn’t anything weird; Patton loved platonic intimacy and Virgil, being touch-starved for most of the time, didn’t mind it at all. Even if he had to get used to it at first, he didn’t mind it. In fact, it was one of the things he liked about Patton: he wasn’t afraid to be intimate with his friends. Often, people would look at the two men, and usually, Virgil hated it when people were looking at him. But not with Patton. When he was with Patton, he didn’t care about people looking at him. When he was with Patton, he felt more… confident. He couldn’t care less about what people thought of him. He just wanted to be close with his friend.

But this time, Virgil immediately noticed something weird. Patton had slipped something into Virgil’s hand. And that something felt like it was a note. It was a small piece of paper, folded into a square. As soon as he felt this, Virgil turned his head towards Patton, who looked back at him with a small smile.

“Oh, if you want, you should visit that clearing,” Patton said after a short silence. “Maybe… take a friend there? Only if you want to, of course!”

“I’ll think about it,” Virgil promised.

“Great,” Patton said. And after that, they didn’t speak anymore until they reached Harvey’s. Virgil said his goodbyes to Patton before he entered the store.

He walked to the locker room and as he opened his locker to hide away his valuables and to change his shirt, Virgil used the cover of the locker to read the note Patton had given him. He had hidden the note in the pocket of his jacket and he carefully got it out, hoping the camera wouldn’t see it. He placed the note in his locker so he could read it as he changed his shirt.

_There’s more than a clearing. There’s a rebellious organisation that’s meeting soon. This Sunday, 9 PM. You should come between 8:15 and 8:55, that’s when most of us arrive. If you want to come of course, you don’t have to. I trust you with this, so don’t betray my trust :)_

All day long, that note occupied Virgil’s thoughts. Could it be true? Was here really a rebellion? It could be a trap, for all he knew but… he trusted Patton. Patton would never set him up like this, would he? Even though Virgil had only known Patton for a little over a month, he was convinced that the man would not betray him. He didn’t even have any reason to do so. Right? 

All day long, Virgil thought about what he should do. Should he go to this meeting? And if he was going to go there… should he invite Roman? Patton did mention he should bring someone, right? Maybe it would be wise to ask his boyfriend to come too. However, if it _was_ a trap, he would get Roman into trouble as well. But at the same time, he knew that Roman would want to hear about this. And to be fair, Virgil knew that he would be way more comfortable with his boyfriend there – and he would do anything to spend more time with him. 

Virgil spent the entire day thinking about his options and for the first time in forever, the day passed by in a haze. Before he knew it, it was time to go home again. And still, Virgil had no idea what to do. With a sigh, the man opened his locker and took out the tips he had gotten that day – a total of ten dollars – and grabbed his wallet. He sneakily grabbed the note out of his locker and hid it in his wallet, between the bills. He then changed into his shirt and his two jackets – he had to wear two jackets to keep him warm in the wintery cold. It was definitely time to save up for a better coat. 

Virgil yelled a quick goodbye to his co-workers and stepped out into the bitter cold of the day. With his hood up and his head down, the boy walked to his apartment.

When he opened the door, Virgil noticed with relief that his apartment was still slightly warm. He knew he had to be careful with his expenses, but he wanted his apartment to be warm, that’s why he always left his heater on, even if it was just on low. Because if he would turn it off, it would take a long time before the place would be warm again, and Virgil was not prepared to wait for that to happen. And besides, he would save on costs when his heater inevitably broke down again. 

Next, Virgil got the ten dollars he had gotten and put the bills in his personal tip jar. He noticed that the jar was filling up again, after paying for the repairs of his phone and Virgil thought he might be able to buy a coat. And boy, did he need one. 

After the kid had gotten himself some water and an apple to eat, he sat down in one of his chairs. Time to go over his options for the last time. He could let Roman know about the resistance. If he did, they would be able to go there together and spend more time together – which was, in Virgil’s opinion, a huge advantage. But, on the other hand, he wasn’t sure that he could fully trust Patton. He wanted to trust him and somewhere, he did believe that the man had told the truth, but in this society, you could never be sure. 

Finally, Virgil made a decision. They were illegal no matter what happened. Their relationship wasn’t supposed to be. They were in danger, even if they did not join this resistance. And Roman could back out, if he wanted to. He would do it. He would tell his boyfriend about it. 

He pulled himself through the news, hardly paying attention. All he could think about was: how was he going to tell Roman? He would have to write a note, obviously. So he’d have to write something that explained it all. It had to be perfect. And the State could not suspect a thing.

And as soon as the news ended, the male went for it. He tore a page out of his notebook and grabbed a pen. He had to write everything down that his boyfriend needed to know, and he needed to make it as ordinary as possible. So he did. As he mumbled things under his breath, he started writing.

_Ro, I’ve got something to tell you. You know this friend I told you about? Patton? He told me about this resistance movement that’s meeting up in a clearing in the forest near the mansions. This Sunday, 9PM. I was thinking that maybe… you wanted to go? Patton said we should come between 8:15 and 8:55, maybe we can meet before that? Tell me asap._

_I want to see you again soon._

_Love you,_

_Virgil_

Before the camera could catch anything of what Virgil had written down, the boy folded the paper a few times, before stuffing it in his pocket. He’d have to remember it tomorrow. 

After getting himself some dinner – instant noodles – Virgil decided to go to sleep. He didn’t have anything to do anyways, so sleeping would be his best option. It had been a while since he went to sleep this early, he reasoned it would be a welcome change. He wouldn’t be able to think about anything other than this damn meeting anyways. 

And he had been right. Virgil couldn’t stop thinking about the possible consequences of his actions. Even in his sleep, he couldn’t let go. He kept dreaming about what would happen if they did go to the meeting. The most horrible scenarios kept coming up. Murder, torture, it all came up. And it haunted him when he got up. 

That morning, Virgil reluctantly left his warm bed to get himself some food. If he could, he would stay in bed all day. But he couldn’t. He would get fired, and eventually kicked out of his apartment. He would be in a position that was even worse than his current position. That was not an option. So he forced himself up and out of the warm cocoon he had created to get himself some food. But, as a form of compromise, the boy turned around and wrapped his blanket around him as he walked out of his bedroom. The blanket dragged behind him as he made his way to the kitchen. At first, Virgil tried to secure the blanket around his shoulders with a clumsy knot, but it fell nearly immediately. The boy just managed to save it and he grabbed the corners of his blanket with one hand, using the other hand to get everything he needed for a reasonably healthy breakfast. Two crackers and an apple. The best he could get. Virgil walked to his living room with the plate in one of his hands. He placed the plate on his small table and then went back to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of orange juice – which wasn’t an easy task, considering he only had one hand to use for this. But he managed and finally made his way back to the living room. He placed the glass on the window-sill and sat down on the chair, wrapping the blanket around him as soon as he was sitting. He picked up his plate again and started eating his breakfast in silence, trying to keep his mind from wandering. 

When Virgil had finished his breakfast, he brought his plate and glass to the kitchen, still dragging the blanket with him, and walked into his bathroom, where he took a quick shower before getting dressed. The boy quickly checked if he still carried the note with him and, with a deep breath, stepped outside in the cold outside.    

Virgil stepped into Harvey’s, sighing in relief as he finally found shelter from the cold of December. It was exceptionally cold for this time of year – a trend that had started a few weeks ago that was still going strong – and Virgil kept feeling like it would never be warm again. He had never experienced something this cold and he hoped he wouldn’t have to go through it again. He’d give anything to live in an eternal spring – the weather in spring was usually the best; summers are too warm, fall and winter too cold, but spring was perfect. 

The boy changed into his proper shirt as quickly as he could and hurried inside the store. He was usually never this hasty, but he knew the store would be warmer. Virgil quickly checked if he really had the note still in his pocket as he walked to his register, greeting his co-workers with a polite smile. They called his name, but Virgil could honestly not deal with their company right now. He just wanted to be alone. So he turned to them with an apologetic smile, hoping they would think he was feeling too anxious to talk to them and give him the personal space he needed. 

He sat down at is register, his hands in his lap. He was so damn nervous about giving Roman the note. Even though it was just a regular note, he was so scared. He couldn’t stop thinking about what could go wrong, about what would happen if the State found it. What if the camera had caught what he wrote down, even though he had been so cautious? What if his caution made him suspicious? What if they found out about him and Roman? 

“Hey, Virgil, are you okay?” a voice asked him. Virgil flinched as he looked up to the source of the sound. “I’m sorry, I just… worried about you.”

Virgil looked up at the man next to him. James Thomson, one of his older co-workers. He was a Lower Classer and, as he was one of the oldest people there, he always felt the need to take care of his younger co-workers, just like Virgil felt the need to take care of Daya. 

“Yeah, yeah, I am,” Virgil responded softly. “It’s just… anxiety.” 

“Oh, I see,” James replied, running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Virge. Do you need anything?”

“No, I’m fine,” the younger boy said, smiling up at the man next to him. “Thank you.”

“Will you manage today?”

“I don’t know. I hope so.”

“Well, if you need anything, you know where to find me, okay?” James smiled. “I have to leave you alone now, though. Take care, Virgil.”

Virgil nodded and thanked James again as he left. As soon as he was alone again, Virgil took a deep breath. It hadn’t been a total lie, but it wasn’t a truth either. He hoped that this would help him out later. It was not hard to say that Virgil would be more anxious than ever by the time he would see his boyfriend approaching and it would be wise to mention his anxiety early on, so the State would know why his hands were shaking, instead of leaving them to question it themselves. Because when the State started making questions and solutions, that was when things _really_ got dangerous. Before you knew it, they would be onto you. And that could not happen. That would be a disaster. 

Soon enough, the store opened and way too soon, people came in. Despite his anxiety, Virgil smiled at the customers and tried to act like everything was fine. Like he wasn’t shaking like a leaf. A few kind souls noticed this and asked Virgil if he was okay. In response to this question, he would nod and reassure the person in front of him that he was totally fine, maybe he hadn’t had enough sugar, or maybe it was the cold, but he was okay. The stranger would smile and accept this answer – a few of them even tipped him, ten dollars at least, saying that he should take better care of himself. 

And then, Roman stepped in front of him. Virgil took a deep breath as he recognized his boyfriend. This was it. It had to happen now. 

“Good morning, sir,” Virgil smiled at Roman. He felt the butterflies in his stomach going crazy as he looked up at the man in front of him. Then, he quickly looked down again, turning his attention to the products he had to scan. Virgil didn’t know why he was so nervous for this; it wasn’t like this was the first time he would give Roman a note. Yes, this was more dangerous than before, but no one had found out about them before, had they? Then why would they find out about this specific note? 

“Would you like a receipt?” Virgil asked when he finished. He quickly looked up at Roman again and nodded carefully, hoping his boyfriend would get the hint. 

“Yes please,” the other man smiled. He had noticed his partner’s nerves and he immediately saw this had to be a serious case. He hadn’t seen Virgil this nervous about it since they started dating. 

Virgil nodded and printed the receipt as he told Roman what he had to pay. Like usually, Virgil sneakily grabbed his note and made sure that no one could see the paper anymore. He then handed the receipt to his boyfriend, who gave him the money he owed in return. 

“Thank you,” Virgil smiled as he shakily took the money in his hand. Roman smiled as he picked up the few products he had bought. 

“Have a good day, sir,” Virgil called after Roman as he made to leave. Roman turned around and smiled at Virgil. 

“Thank you,” he said, “you too.” 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mentions of depression and suicidal thoughts, possible references to self-harm, swearing

The next day, Roman came in early. In fact, he was one of Virgil’s first customers. And as soon as the man stepped in front of him, the younger male noticed something was off. Roman tried not to look suspicious as he nervously toyed with the sleeve of his dark red coat. He didn’t know if it was because he knew Roman so well or because he was so obvious, but Virgil knew. He shot his boyfriend a comforting smile as he scanned his products – just two bottles of soda. Just before Virgil was about to tell his boyfriend what he had to pay, he was interrupted.

“I have a coupon for this, by the way,” Roman said hurriedly, retrieving a crumpled piece of paper from the pocket of his jacket. As he handed it to Virgil, the younger man noticed some writing on the coupon. He spun around to enter the code on the paper, while also trying to read what Roman had written on it. 

_I’m in if you are. Nod if you want to do it_.

He wanted to do it. He actually wanted to do it. Virgil couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t quite say if the news excited him, or terrified him. Of course, he was happy that Roman was willing to do this, but he was scared of what would come. And besides, it was incredibly dangerous to write this on a _coupon_. If the wrong person found it, they could be dead before sunrise. What if the State had seen him writing on the paper? If they had, they would certainly be suspicious of the two of them. 

Nevertheless, when Virgil had crossed out the code and thrown the coupon away, making sure no one could read what Roman had written down, he turned back to his boyfriend with a hardly visible nod. 

Roman struggled to contain his grin as he waited for Virgil to tell him what exactly he had to pay, already reaching for his wallet. When he did, Roman handed the younger male a few bills. 

“Keep the change,” he added quickly. Virgil nodded absentmindedly before looking at the amount of money in his hands. 

“Sir, this is at least forty dollars,” he said, looking up to make sure Roman knew what he was doing. 

“I know,” the man answered. 

“You only had to pay two dollars.”

“ _I know_ ,” Roman repeated with a smile. “Keep it. As a tip.” 

Virgil nodded as he turned away from his boyfriend for a few moments. 

“Alright,” he spoke. “Thank you, sir.”

“No problem,” Roman said with that charming grin of his. God, he was so gorgeous. “Have a good day.”

“Thank you, sir,” Virgil repeated himself. “You too.”

Virgil moved to place the money in the register – keeping the excess to himself, of course – when he noticed something, hidden in the bills. A small note. 

  


_I made this note beforehand, so I don’t know what you said. If you agreed, let’s meet in front of the forest around 7:45. We might be able to get some time to ourselves before the meeting. If you didn’t agree, just ignore this note._

_I love you,_

_Ro_

Virgil grinned as he read the note. He had told himself he would wait until he got home, but he was too curious. As soon as his break started, he excused himself to the bathroom to read the note in private. He knew it was risky, but he just couldn’t wait any longer. He had to know what Roman had wanted to tell him. 

In a hurry, Virgil hid the note in his pocket again and looked around for the last time, making sure no cameras could see him – a little late, but luckily, there were no cameras pointed at him. He waited for just a few moments before he got up and flushed the toilet to avoid any suspicion. Then, Virgil unlocked the door and washed his hands. When he looked up, he was met with his own reflection. An image he’d prefer to avoid. His skin was pale, making the dark bags under his eyes stand out so much. And he hated it. He hated that it made him look sick most of the days. He looked terrible, but he did not have the means to take care of himself any better. If only he could buy something to cover up the bags under his eyes. That would make everything better. Virgil hated the way he looked. He had no idea how someone like him deserved someone like Roman. And how Roman fell in love with him, he didn’t understand. Roman was rich, important and _gorgeous_ , yet he wanted to be in a relationship with someone at the bottom of the food chain. It didn’t make sense. 

Virgil had to admit that, when Roman asked him out – through a note he had sneakily passed him one day while getting groceries – he had believed the man to be a spy, someone waiting for him to make a mistake so he could be arrested. And admittedly, Virgil had soon decided that he didn’t care anymore. He didn’t care if he died, if he got arrested and tortured into admitting to the most horrible crimes one could imagine. He didn’t care if they would strip him of his identity, his dignity, his sanity. His life was never going anywhere. He would never be anything more than a simple secretary. He would never be able to afford anything more than his basic needs and he would never be able to do anything he actually wanted. His life was a dead end. He’d never achieve something worth telling and honestly, he could not see the point anymore. So Virgil decided to take Roman up on his offer. He didn’t care if the man was a spy. At least that would mean he wouldn’t have to go to work again. At least he would be freed from this life. Anything would be better than this.    

But now, Virgil was happy that he had met up with Roman. Of course, his life was still as shit and pointless as a year ago, but at least there was something good about it now. At least he had something to look forwards to. 

Virgil took a deep breath as he looked down at the sink, his hands resting on either side of the white stone. He was so grateful that Roman came into his life. Because if he hadn’t… Virgil wasn’t sure he would still be standing there. His boyfriend was the only one who kept him alive. Life wasn’t worth living before the two met. So many times, Virgil had found himself standing on top of the roof of his building, wondering if it would hurt. He’d be looking at a knife in his hand or an old belt. So often, he was tempted to do it. But he never did. He was too scared. What if he didn’t succeed? What if it hurt? What if he realised he had made a mistake?

And Virgil couldn’t say he never found himself looking at a knife or even a fork and thinking about taking it up anymore. He couldn’t say he wasn’t still tempted to end everything. But he didn’t _really_ want to do it. He couldn’t do that to his boyfriend. Roman would be crushed, and besides, Virgil loved him too much to miss him. He had to stay alive for Ro, no matter how difficult it was. He had to try, at the very least. For Roman. 

His boyfriend had no idea of everything that was going on in Virgil’s head. He knew that it was wise to tell Roman about it all, he deserved to know, but Virgil just couldn’t do it. Every time he met Roman, he found he just wanted to hug him, to kiss him and talk about the good things. He didn’t want to ruin the mood by dropping information like this. And so he didn’t.

With a sigh, Virgil stepped away from the sink, running his hands through his brown hair. He really had to learn how to calm down, he told himself. It had been months since the last time he _actually_ considered it. Of course, he still thought about it every so often, but it was just a vague thought. He was doing so well, he had to keep going. He couldn’t fall back now. He had to hold on. For Roman. 

That night, Virgil hardly slept. No matter how he tossed and turned, he didn’t seem to be able to fall asleep. Finally, a little past five, he fell asleep. But he was awoken by his alarm clock an hour later. Virgil groaned as he got up, feeling more tired than ever. He immediately noticed that he would not be able to go to work. Sitting there for hours at a time, not doing anything? He would fall asleep right where he sat. Virgil rarely skipped work, because he needed the money, but he could not do it. And besides, he had gotten quite a lot of tips in the past few weeks, so one day couldn’t hurt. So he reached for his phone and quickly texted his boss that he wouldn’t be able to come in today, saying he was ill. He didn’t care if his boss liked it or not, but Virgil knew he would not be able to get anything done. Instead of waiting for a reaction, the boy placed his phone on his nightstand and fell down on his mattress again. He was exhausted. This time, it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep again. 

When he opened his eyes, Virgil turned his head to the alarm clock on his nightstand. It was 4 PM. Virgil groaned as he realised he had wasted almost an entire day by just sleeping. And on top of that, he still felt tired, even after having slept for ten hours. 

Five more minutes, Virgil told himself. Five more minutes and then he would get up. He just had to take some time to wake up.

Those five minutes quickly turned into forty-five, before Virgil _actually_ got up. It was almost 5 PM by the time the boy stepped into his kitchen to prepare some food for himself. He couldn’t believe he had let himself sleep in this much! It was almost evening again, and he had done nothing all day. 

As Virgil plodded to his living room, carrying a plate with two crackers, he quickly checked his notifications on his phone. He noticed his boss had responded and he opened the text. 

_Virgil, you know I would prefer to hear this sooner, but if you’re not fit to work, I won’t make you come here. I hope you will feel better soon. Let me know if you are coming in tomorrow or not._

Virgil sighed and typed out a response, saying that he wasn’t sure yet, but he would definitely try to come in the next day. He then sat down and started eating his food. Slowly, Virgil finished the two crackers he had made himself and got up again to get himself something to drink. The sun had already set, and Virgil realised he hadn’t even seen it up in the sky that day. He had missed the entire day.

Not much later, Virgil sat down on his chair again, holding a glass of water. He felt so tired and so… so _empty_. He didn’t know what had happened to make him feel this way. He hadn’t felt anything like this in months. But hopefully, it was just a bad day. Because he hadn’t managed to fall asleep until 5 AM. Because he had slept in until 4 PM. His body was confused because his rhythm had been disrupted. If he would manage to fall asleep this night – which Virgil doubted – he would be okay again. Or so he hoped. He wasn’t an expert on the matter, but it was the only thing that made sense to him in that moment. 

The kid had to concentrate to prevent himself from falling asleep during the news. He didn’t understand why he was this tired. He had woken up about two hours ago, it didn’t make any sense. Wasn’t he supposed to be awake and energetic by now? Apparently not. 

Rebecka Taylor went on about everything they had ‘achieved’ in the past weeks, but Virgil doubted that any of that was true. They were either exaggerations or plain lies. And of course, she left out anything that didn’t benefit their cause. There was nothing about the people who died of starvation. Nothing about people who were kicked out of their apartments and had to sell their bodies in order to survive. There was nothing about the people who had to steal from others to have anything to eat. They never paid attention to that. Only the good could be highlighted. And the worst thing was that people seemed to believe it. They actually seemed to believe the propaganda the State forced onto them. They actually thought the economy was doing better and that their country was good. They believed every lie the State presented to them. And they never questioned it.    

That same night, Virgil had trouble falling asleep again, like he had expected. He tossed and turned for hours before finally falling asleep, a little before the clock hit 3 AM. He fell into a light, dreamless sleep and when he was woken up by the shrill noise of his alarm clock, the boy felt hardly rested. Which made sense, considering he had only gotten three hours of sleep. For a few moments, Virgil considered skipping work again, but he soon decided that he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t call in sick this lastminute for the second time in two days. And he needed the money, so he couldn’t afford to miss many days of work, even with all the tips he had gotten. 

So the male reluctantly got up and dragged himself to the kitchen, getting one cracker and some water. He brought it with him to his living room, where he slowly ate his breakfast. He wasn’t ready for another day of work. He didn’t want to go to the supermarket again, to smile at every single person he was faced with and to keep up a polite façade. He hated it. It wasn’t _him_. But Virgil knew he had no choice. The supermarket was one of the few places that would hire him. He didn’t have a choice. If only he had been born in a higher class. Then he would at least have some perspective in his life. He would have better chances at a good future and he wouldn’t be stuck in this tiny apartment that was just enough to accommodate one person. He wouldn’t have to work in a supermarket anymore. 

It was so unfair. No one could _choose_ their class; it all depended on the class of your parents. That determined your own class and Determination. They didn’t look at talents or IQ, they only looked at class. And there was no way to climb on the ladder. The only reason someone moved to another class, was when they had committed a minor crime. They would be degraded to a lower class than their own. But no one could ever be upgraded to another class due to proper behaviour. It was so unfair. They didn’t have a chance.    


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Some strong language, but I’m pretty sure that’s eveything. Let me know if I missed anything, though

And soon, so soon, the day was over and Sunday approached. The first meeting. 

All day, the meeting was on Virgil’s mind. All day, he continued to think about it. Whether it would turn out in their favour or not. How many people would show up. He wondered if it would be worth it or not. If they could achieve something. But, experienced as he was, Virgil didn’t let anyone know he thought of all of this. He just smiled politely at the customers and did what he had to do without showing any signs of his inner dialogues. He pulled himself through the day pretending like there was nothing on his mind.  

And soon, so soon, it was evening. And it was time for the two lovers to meet. 

When Virgil arrived in front of the forest, he could see Roman waiting for him, looking up at the stars. Virgil grinned as he tried to sneak up on the slightly taller male. He was looking away from Virgil, so the younger boy took this opportunity to ambush his boyfriend and wrap his arms around his waist. 

“Guess who,” Virgil smiled as he rested his chin on Roman’s shoulder. 

“You’re doing it wrong, Virge.” Roman chuckled before he turned his head to peck Virgil’s cheek. 

“I don’t care,” Virgil responded as his boyfriend carefully turned around so the two were now facing each other. “I like this way better.”

Roman smiled fondly as he cupped Virgil’s cheeks, kissing the other gently. The two men stood there for just a few moments in silence, taking in the other’s presence. 

“How are you feeling?” Roman asked finally, running a hand through Virgil’s short hair. “Excited for the meeting?”

“Kind of anxious,” Virgil admitted softly. “But I know you’ll be there.”

“Exactly,” Roman smiled. “You’re not going to be alone, my dear. I’ll always be there for you. As far as the State would allow, at least.”

Virgil chuckled, wrapping his arms around Roman’s neck as he looked up into his boyfriend’s eyes. 

“I wish you could be there for me all the time.”

Roman’s hands found their way to Virgil’s waist again and he muttered his agreements before the two fell silent, getting lost in the eyes of their partner. For a few seconds, they stood there, as if they had been frozen in this moment, looking into each other’s eyes, like nothing else seemed to exist but the two of them. Nothing else mattered. They stood there for a few seconds until they simultaneously moved closer – if that was even possible – until their lips met. 

“Hey, guess what,” Virgil said, when he pulled away a few seconds later. “I might actually be able to buy an actual coat soon.”

“Really?”

“Yeah! I got a bunch of tips last week, and with the tips you always give me, I think I might be able to afford a good coat.”

“That’s amazing!” Roman smiled. “Can I give you a tip? I don’t know how much money you’ve got, but if you’ve got at least one hundred dollars, P.S. is a great brand! I usually buy their coats. It might be suspicious if you immediately buy a coat like that, but just check it out.”

“I’ll have a look,” Virgil said before pecking Roman’s lips, “thank you, Ro.”

“Anytime, my dear.” Roman looked down at his boyfriend with a smile on his face. “Oh, and don’t buy a coat from Taemen’s, they are too expensive for a coat with such low quality.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” the younger male noted.

“Good.” The two men remained silent for a few seconds until Roman released his grip on Virgil’s waist and reached up to take one of his hands. “Come on, we should go and find that clearing.”

“Virgil!” Patton exclaimed as the two men approached. With a grin, he hugged his friend. “I’m so glad you could come! And you brought someone?”

“Yeah, this is my boyfriend, Roman,” Virgil said, looking up at Roman. It felt so _good_ to say it to someone. Roman was his _boyfriend_. “Ro, this is Patton.”

The two men greeted each other as Virgil looked around. In the middle of the clearing, he could see a small campfire that illuminated the entire place just enough to look one another in the eye. There were a few people present already, looking at the new members with curiosity. Patton noticed Virgil’s stare and clasped his hands. 

“Right, let me introduce you to the rest!” he exclaimed, leading the two men towards the fire. He pointed towards a man with glasses that reflected the orange and yellow colours of the fire. “That’s Logan! He’s an UMC, and a teacher! He’s really smart and comes up with a lot of good things for us to try! Just small ways to show our protests without getting found out.”

Logan waved at the two men with a smile that Virgil answered carefully. Roman waved back at the man with a grin. 

“That’s Daisy,” Patton continued, pointing towards a woman of colour, who already eyed the two males with a friendly smile. “She is a UC. She works as a secretary now, but she’s Determined to be a CEO. She’s really sweet and comes up with a lot of good ideas as well.”

Daisy smiled and greeted the two men enthusiastically, waving at them wildly. Roman chuckled as he greeted her. Virgil just waved. 

“And finally, that’s Carter,” Patton said, pointing at a tall person who leaned against one of the trees nonchalantly, “they are an LMC and they’re a fast-food chef, like their Determination. They don’t talk a lot, but when they do talk, they do have something _good_ to say. Guys, this is Virgil, LMC and he works at Harvey’s, and Roman, he’s…”

“Actor,” Roman interrupted with a smile as he saw Patton’s helpless look. “And UC.”

“Wait one moment,” Daisy said, walking closer to the two men. “You’re Roman Lufé, aren’t you?” 

“That’s me,” Roman answered. Daisy’s grin grew even bigger, if that was possible. 

“You are an amazing actor,” she grinned. “I loved you in _Quest of Tomorrow!_ It’s one of my favourite movies!”

“Really?” Roman asked with a smile, overwhelmed by this praise. “Thank you so much!”

“You were absolutely amazing! You definitely should have won at least one award for that!”

Roman tried to brush it off, looking down with a humble smile. Virgil looked up at the man next to him with a smile of his own. The flames of the fire made his eyes look like little balls of fire of their own. It made him look more stunning than he already was. 

“And you’re his boyfriend?” Daisy asked suddenly, turning her head to Virgil. His head shot up as he heard the woman’s voice. It took him a few seconds to process the question, but when he did, he immediately nodded with a smile, looking at his partner again. He had no idea how famous Roman actually was. “You must be so proud of him!”

“I would be,” Virgil said, looking down at their intertwined hands, “if I had any idea how big he was.”

“What do you- oh,” Daisy immediately placed a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “You can’t see his movies, can you?”

“Unfortunately not,” Virgil responded. 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s fine,” Virgil reassured her with a smile. “I’m used to it, it just… sucks.”

“I can imagine,” Daisy said. “It’s so unfair! You should be able to see- Oh my goodness, we should smuggle you into the cinema so you can see his movies!”

“Daisy, how would that work?” Logan interrupted the female’s enthusiastic rambling. “That would be extremely dangerous and difficult. How would we even get him into the cinema unnoticed? They would be able to see Virgil would not fit in there quite easily and besides, there is no way we can steer clear of the cameras. I don’t think we would get any farther than the front door.”

“We can find someone with the same size as him and get them to switch clothes!” Daisy seemed to be used to Logan’s scrutiny and immediately came up with her options. “They’d both need to have a hood or something so we can hide their faces. They’d both need to go to a bathroom somewhere so they can change clothes.”

“That won’t work,” Logan noted immediately. “there is still a camera in any public bathroom, it isn’t pointed at any of the stalls, but it can still see what happens in the room. It would notice the clothes being swapped and even if we were able to draw its attention away, it could see that the two would come out in different clothes than before. I’m sorry, but I do not think it is an achievable goal. There might be another way, but not like this.” 

“We’ll think of something,” Daisy said, looking back at Roman and Virgil again with a reassuring smile. “There must be at least _something_ we can do, right?”

“Undoubtedly,” Logan responded. “We just need to figure out what it is.”

“Good,” Daisy said. “That’s all I wanted to know. Now, I’m curious. How did you two meet? If you’re okay with telling me, of course! You don’t have to!”

Roman looked down at Virgil, who nodded, resting his head against his boyfriend’s shoulder. Roman saw this as a gesture of concurrence and he turned back to Daisy. 

* * *

It was a little more than a year ago. Roman was in the middle of shooting his biggest project yet – _End of the World_ ; a movie about two people who fell in love when one of them was sent away to a job on the other side of the country – and as he walked back home, he realised he hadn’t gotten anything for himself to eat for that night. So he walked into the first supermarket he saw. It was a place called Harvey’s. He had passed it before when walking to the studio, but he had never really paid any attention to it; it didn’t seem like a place for him. But it was getting darker and Roman could not take a detour to his usual supermarket. He could miss the news if he did. So he entered Harvey’s. Roman had to admit that it didn’t look particularly inviting, but that was just his personal opinion. The lighting was too harsh and the colours of the walls were just… _off_. But it didn’t matter, Roman told himself. It was just a one-time thing, after all. 

The man stepped into the store and searched for ingredients to make himself a meal later that evening. It took him a while to locate everything, as he wasn’t used to this store, but it okay, it was just going to be a one-time thing. 

When he got everything he needed for today, Roman made his way to the registers. He got in line and waited for his turn, quickly checking the news on his phone. When he was finally up, Roman looked up to greet the cashier. He was met with the most gorgeous man he had ever seen in his life. The cashier smiled up at Roman as he scanned his products and even though it was clear that the younger man faked his smile, Roman’s heart skipped a beat. He knew this man must be a Lower Classer, maybe a Lower Middle Classer at best. They could never be seen together; it was doomed from the start. But this man was _gorgeous_. Roman smiled back at the man as he reached for his wallet. He could hardly take his eyes off of the guy as he focussed on the products before him. There was something about him that was so enthralling. Roman suspected it was his eyes. Those eyes of his were just so damn stunning. They were dark brown and contrasted with his pale skin and _God, this man was beautiful_. 

Roman, catching himself pretty much staring at the stranger, looked down, making sure he had his money ready. He knew it was supposed to be a one-time thing, but he might actually come back here. This man, whoever he was, would be worth coming back for. 

Weeks had passed and Harvey’s became Roman’s regular store. He visited almost every day, even if it was just to see the guy. He knew it was wrong and he knew it was even slightly creepy, but it was his only option. No matter how badly Roman wanted to get to know the mysterious cashier, he knew he couldn’t ask him out. It was forbidden. 

But one day, Roman had an idea. Just because he couldn’t see the stranger, didn’t mean he couldn’t _see_ him. They could go out in secret, have a secret relationship without the State finding out. Roman had established long ago that the forests and fields around the city were low on cameras and microphones, so those places would be relatively safe. If the other man wanted to, maybe they could meet up there in secret. 

In a bout of courage, the actor wrote a note. He made sure that the cameras in his spacious living room could not catch the words he wrote down on there: 

_Hey there,_

_I know you don’t really know me and I know this is weird but… over the past few weeks I’ve noticed you and… you look like such an amazing person. I would love to get to know you some better, if you want to as well. However, I am an HC and I am afraid your class would be too low (which is why I passed the note like this) which means that we cannot be seen together. And no one can know. I was thinking that if you do want to meet up with me, we can meet up near the forest nearby the mansions this Saturday? Around 8 PM. I’ll be waiting there, you just see if you want to come. It is totally fine if you don’t want to! Please, don’t feel obliged to do anything. I just had to try this._

_I hope to see you later,_

_Roman Lufé_

And all he had to do next, was wait. Roman had hidden the note in a few bills he had tipped to the cashier, hoping he would see it. 

The next few days were filled with anxious pacing and overthinking. Would the stranger show up? Had he reported Roman to the State Officials? What did he even think of Roman? The man both dreaded and  looked forwards to the revelation. 

And then the day arrived. Roman stopped in front of the forest fifteen minutes to eight. And there, he waited for someone to show up. Time passed and the man grew colder every minute. Roman considered going home multiple times, afraid that the man wouldn’t show up. But then, he saw a figure approaching and his heart sped up. Would it be the cashier? Was it a State Official? Was it just a random stranger?

The figure approached Roman and it wasn’t until he stopped in front of the actor that the latter recognized him. 

“I can’t believe it,” Roman greeted with a grin. “You came.”

* * *

“Oh my goodness, that’s adorable!” Patton smiled excitedly. Daisy nodded and gasped as she realised something. 

“Wait, so that means that this forest is your first meeting place?” Roman and Virgil nodded with identical smiles, causing Daisy to giggle like a schoolgirl. “That _is_ adorable! Hey, you know who you two remind me of? Romeo and Juliet.”

“I’m flattered, but I’m hoping for a better ending for the two of us,” Roman responded with a smile. 

“Who and who?” Virgil looked up at his boyfriend in confusion. 

“It’s an old play,” Roman explained. “It’s really beautiful, but the State uses it for their propaganda, which takes away from the beauty of it all.” 

Virgil frowned up at his partner, silently asking for further explanations. Roman noticed this and chuckled softly as he complied. 

“Romeo and Juliet are two lovers, but their families are rivals,” he told, “the two fall in love, despite the feud between their families.”

“And what was all that about the end? And the propaganda, how does that fit in?”

“Do you really want to know how it ends?” Virgil nodded eagerly and Roman sighed. “Very well. In the end, they both die. The State uses this to promote separation of the classes, saying that only bad things can happen if you associate with the wrong classes.

“I see,” Virgil nodded, “you should tell me the full story one time.”

“Of course,” Roman smiled as he kissed the top of his boyfriend’s head, “just remind me of it.” 

Over the next thirty minutes, more people arrived, until they eventually made a group of twelve. Every time someone new arrived, Roman and Virgil introduced themselves and they immediately received a few questions about their relationship – Roman had wrapped one arm around Virgil protectively, so it wasn’t difficult to see the two had a relationship together. 

Honestly, neither Roman nor Virgil wanted this meeting to end. They hadn’t managed to discuss anything important yet – in fact, it hadn’t officially started yet – but this was the first time the were able to openly act like the couple they were. They could hug each other, kiss each other and be as close to each other as they wanted; the people around them wouldn’t judge them for it. They were all there because they loathed the government, after all. They could talk about their relationship and give each other stupid nicknames without anyone questioning them. And it was incredible. 

“Well, we’re all here now, so it would be wise to start,” Logan said after a while. “I’m sure you’ve all been introduced to our new members, Virgil and Roman. Just to clarify for you two: at these meetings, we usually discuss possible actions for us to take, but we cannot guarantee any solid ideas, as it is difficult to find something that is actually possible to execute without drawing too much attention to our movement.”

Roman nodded. “And what have you got so far?”

“Disappointingly little,” Logan admitted. “We have been trying but… it’s difficult. Our every move is being monitored by the State, we cannot hide anything or do anything at home without being noticed. We can’t get a hold of anything fit for a true revolution without the State knowing, so we will have to stick with small protests, but we can hardly prepare anything. We cannot text each other because the State monitors all our ways of communication, so these meetings are all we’ve got. We considered making posters, but we can’t achieve that without being suspicious. We would need to bring supplies here, as we can’t make anything at home, but the State would notice. It’s a risky business. But we also say that coming back here is an act of rebellion in itself, seeing as there are members of all classes here. And we all possess the willingness to revolt, which is more important than anything, in my opinion. Because without the will to rebel, there would never be a revolution.”

“Sounds about right,” Virgil nodded, resting his head against Roman’s chest. “But there’s got to be something we can do, right? I want to _do_ something.”

“I think so,” Daisy said, “I was about to say skipping the news one time but-”

“That could kill us instantly,” Carter interrupted softly, looking down at their hands. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“I agree with Carter,” a short female – Sarah – said. “But I think there is something we can do… right? There has got to be at least _one_ thing.”

“Like what?” 

“I heard Daisy talking about sneaking Virgil into a cinema not too long ago,” Carter mentioned, “and while I think that is too risky, I do think she might have a point. Maybe we can do something to have them meet up in the city? Even if it’s just for a second. I feel like that would be one of the best small acts of rebellions we could possibly think of. Supporting an illegal relationship, it doesn’t get much worse than that, does it?”

“He has a- sorry, _they_ have a point,” Sarah nodded. Carter shot Sarah a smile and the woman seemed reassured by this gesture. “And maybe… maybe we don’t have to make our own posters. Maybe we use ones that are already there.”

“What do you mean?” Patton, who had decided to sit down close to the fire, looked up at Sarah. 

“Well… maybe we buy posters. Someone – someone who can afford it – can buy a poster in the shop and write or draw something on it. They can bring that here and someone else can hang it up somewhere in the city, at night.”

“I appreciate the idea, Sar, but they will know who bought the poster,” a younger male reminded her. “They will suspect whoever bought it immediately. Even if they would pretend to have lost it… it wouldn’t add up. But I don’t think it’s a bad idea. We could use that. Maybe someone can draw on one of the posters on the streets. It would have to be at night, and they would have to make sure to have something to hide their face.”

“And they need to watch their handwriting,” Logan added. “I don’t know what the State know about us, but they could very well recognize our handwriting. Maybe even write with your non-dominant hand. Especially if whoever does it happens to be left-handed. Even a tiny stain of ink could give us away.”

“But where would we leave the marker?” Roman wondered, who decided to sit down as well, pulling Virgil down with him. “We’re going to need something to write on the paper with and if we take it with us, the State will know. They will notice and if they see one of us takes a marker with them on the same day one – or maybe even more – of the posters has been drawn on, they will immediately suspect us. And don’t even mention the clothing. Wouldn’t they notice something? Even if it is dark, they could notice something about our clothing. Something suspicious or something familiar.”

“I wear black all the time, it’s not suspicious if I sneak out wearing black,” Virgil said. “It makes me less visible, too. I could bring some paper and sit on a hill somewhere, drawing or writing. If they ask, I’ll tell them my anxiety got too bad and I needed to get out. But that should have to wait a little, so I can create the habit of drawing things when I get anxious. Would that help us?”

“Maybe,” Daisy nodded slowly. “But there’s still the question of handwriting. Logan is right, they might be able to recognize it.”

“I’ll write big,” Virgil suggested, “capital letters. Something that doesn’t look like the way I usually write.”

“How about cameras?” A voice asked softly. 

“We could create a diversion,” Roman said. “Have two or more people collide, cause a scene. We could lead it away from Virgil so the camera focusses on us, giving Virgil the chance to write something on the poster and get away without anyone noticing. It would also give him a good reason to get away as soon as possible, as he hates loud confrontations and yelling. Would that work?”

“It might,” Logan nodded. “But we need to make sure the camera focusses on the scene instead of Virgil. Virgil should be near the poster already before the fight starts, hood up and everything. He needs to be sure it is safe to act before doing it. And we need to plan everything out carefully. We should study the camera’s behaviours and find a proper place, a good poster that will be easy to use. And I think more of us should develop a habit of carrying markers around. If Virgil is one of the few to do so, he will be the State’s first suspect.”

“But not too many,” Daisy countered, “we don’t want it to be too suspicious.”

“Precisely. We should start this over a longer period of time, which mean it could be months until we can execute this plan.”

“Who cares? Let’s execute it!” Daisy grinned. The mere thought of finally having another plan to work on excited her so, so much. She honestly couldn’t wait. 

“Are we all in favour?” Logan asked. No one replied. With a sigh, the man asked his next question: “Anyone who opposes the idea?” Again, no one answered. “So I would say no one is against this. Then we can start planning.”

“Great! I’ve already got an idea,” Daisy said. Sarah chuckled softly. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, it’s just… you’re always so enthusiastic, Dais,” the smaller woman answered, “it’s so… _you_. You get so excited and happy, and you are always the first to come up with something.” 

“I can ‘t help it that I’m thrilled for this,” Daisy defended herself with a frown. 

“I’m not saying it’s wrong!” Sarah quickly said. “I’m just saying it’s you. And it’s adorable.”

Immediately, Daisy’s frown made way for a flattered smirk. Sarah chuckled as Daisy batted her eyelashes at the other. 

“You think I’m adorable?” she asked. “Well, I think you’re adorable too!”

Sarah smiled and quickly looked away. “Anyways… Dais, didn’t you have a plan?” 

“Oh yeah, I did!” Daisy nodded. “So, I was thinking I could maybe run into Roman on the street, we’re both UCs, so it would make sense for us to talk. I could maybe try to take a picture with him when someone from one of the lower classes walks into one of us. I could snap at them and- I don’t know what Roman would do.”

“I can get just as angry as you,” Roman chuckled, “but it should be worse than just walking into someone. They would have to be incredibly rude. Or… do you need a new phone? Because if so… you could drop it on the floor as someone walks into you? Or maybe… something else? I don’t think running into us would be enough to cause a good scene. We need to grab the attention of the others on the street as well.”

“I don’t _need_ to replace my phone,” Daisy said, “but I can afford a new one, so we could always break it, that’s fine.”

Virgil scoffed softly. He would give anything to have enough money to say something like that. Even if Daisy had the same job as he would one day get, he knew he would never be able to get as much money as the girl had now. She was an Upper Classer, after all. For some reason, the State found it fair to issue separate minimum wages for all the classes. And of course, the UCs had the highest minimum wage of them all, nearly twice as much as what Virgil would get. It was so unfair. 

“Would it be wise to do that? We do need it to be dark,” Carter remembered, “to prevent them from spotting Virgil.”

“I’ll use my flash.”

“Fair enough.”

“One more question,” Patton said suddenly, turning to Virgil, “are you sure you feel comfortable doing this? If it goes wrong and they do see you, it’s not going to end well for you.”

“I am certain,” Virgil nodded. “I want to do this. What do I write down, though? ‘Fuck the State’? Something like that?”

“I think so,” Tom – a guy who had remained silent up until that moment – said. “I think it should be short, but  it should express our feelings. We can write things on the wall about kittens and rainbows, but that won’t make a scene, it won’t make a statement. And that’s what we want, isn’t it? To make a statement?”

“Would it be wise, though?” Sarah wondered. “Writing something that vulgar?” 

“The wise thing to do would be to write nothing,” Virgil said. “If I wanted to play it safe, I wouldn’t be here, nor would I be dating Ro. It doesn’t matter what I write down, does it? The State will see it as wrong anyways. Even if I wrote down ‘I’m gay’ in big rainbow letters, they would see it as a crime. It isn’t decent. It doesn’t matter what I write; if the State find out, I’m going to have to face the consequences anyways. So I might as well go for the thing that makes the biggest statement. Right?”

The other members nodded and mumbled their agreements. They then continued to try to come up with possible ideas for almost an hour before they left. Logan told everyone to keep an eye out while walking through town to see if they noticed a good poster they could use – and of course, a good location for the encounter between the other members. He then went on to tell them that the next meeting would be in nine days, at 8 PM, in the same forest. 

After that, the first members left. Slowly but surely, everyone said their goodbyes and walked away from the clearing. Roman and Virgil left after half an hour, hand in hand. The two of them softly discussed the meeting  and what they thought of it. But way too soon, their ways parted as well. Virgil noticed it was cold without the warmth of the flames or his boyfriend’s arm wrapped around him and he longed for something to keep him warm again. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, in the supermarket, right?” Roman asked just before he had to leave. 

“Always.”

“Are you sure? I missed you a few days ago.”

“Yeah.” Virgil looked down at their intertwined hands. “I know. I didn’t sleep well, so I skipped work one time. But I can reassure you, I’ll be there tomorrow.”

“Alright,” Roman smiled before pecking Virgil’s lips one final time. “Take care of yourself, Virge.” And with those words, the actor walked away from his boyfriend. Virgil nodded and turned away, starting his own journey to his apartment.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Swearing, mentions of depression and thoughts of suicide, swearing. Let me know if I missed anything!
> 
> I apologize if anything Virgil said here contradicts anything mentioned in earlier chapters, that's the disadvantage of writing online

Two days after the meeting, Virgil finally stepped into Grace’s store for some groceries. From the moment Virgil stepped into the small shop, the man knew something was wrong. The whole atmosphere was wrong. He decided to ask about it once he had gathered everything he had to buy. Virgil smiled at Grace as he greeted her. 

“Morning, Grace,” he said, “do you happen to sell notebooks, or markers?”

“I know I have some notebooks,” the old woman answered softly. “At the back of the store. I don’t have any markers at the moment.”

“Alright, thank you,” Virgil nodded as he walked to the back. He soon noticed a few notebooks. There wasn’t a lot of choice, but there was enough for him. Virgil grabbed a black notebook and quickly walked back to get the food he needed to buy. It was eerily quiet. Usually, Grace would try to make conversation with him, ask him about his week or tell about something she had heard. But she didn’t say anything about it. Virgil was just about to grab a bottle of orange juice, when her voice finally broke the silence. 

“Did you hear Ellen is getting executed?” The man froze in place when he heard this. Ellen used to be his neighbour. She was an LMC, Determined to work in a fast-food restaurant. The two of them were close friends. They made sure to hang out at least once a week and they talked almost every day. Until she disappeared, more than a year ago. Of course, Virgil had suspected she had been arrested by the State, but he could never be fully sure. Until now. 

“Ellen Carson?” the man asked softly, fearing what Grace would say. 

“I’m afraid so, Virge.” Virgil nodded as he slowly turned around and walked closer to the woman, carrying his groceries. 

“What did they accuse her of?”

“Treason,” Grace explained. “They said she associated with foreign spies and she tried to steal confidential State documents, with the intention of selling them.”

“Of course.” Virgil dropped the products in his hands on the counter. “When’s the hanging?”

“In four days,” the woman said as she scanned the products. “Why? Do you want to go?”

“No, no not at all,” the male quickly replied, “I don’t feel like seeing an old friend of mine die. I just want to see her before it happens. How about you?”

“I’d love to see her, but I need to keep the store open if I want to have enough money to live,” Grace said apologetically. “But can you at least tell her I wished I could see her one last time? Tell her I’m really sorry about what happened and I hope her next life will be better on her. Could you do that for me?”

“Of course,” Virgil promised. “God, I can’t believe this.”

“I’m so sorry, Virge,” Grace said softly, placing one hand over Virgil’s. “I know you two were really close.”

“I should have seen it coming,” the man muttered, looking down. “I should have known from the moment she disappeared that something like this would happen. I just… can’t believe that Ellen would… do something like that. I can’t believe that’s real.”

“The papers say she did.”

“But do we believe everything the papers say?” Grace instinctively looked around at these words, making sure there was no one with them before she glanced towards the cameras in the room. 

“Virgil, you-”

“I know, I know,” Virgil said quickly. He knew he shouldn’t utter words like these. Not with all the cameras around. He was so used to discussing topics like these with Roman, he almost forgot that he couldn’t do it anywhere. It was dangerous to talk like that. “I didn’t mean anything with it, I just meant that… we don’t know what Ellen did. She might have confessed to crimes she never committed. We weren’t there. And besides, what the papers say are just words. We can’t prove them.”

“Why would she lie?” Grace asked. “Why would the papers? What reason could they possibly have?”

Virgil took a deep breath. There was so much he wanted to say. Of course the papers could lie. They wanted the inhabitants of the country to follow them. They wanted to frighten them by showing what would happen if you associated with the rebels, hoping that this unwanted behaviour would be discouraged. Of course they could lie. Everything they told the people was a lie. It was all propaganda, a fabrication, a lie. There was no guarantee that the papers told the truth. But he could not say that to Grace. Not with the cameras watching his every move. He had to lie his way out of situation. 

“I don’t know,” he sighed, running one of his hands through his hair, “I guess I just… I’m just trying to justify all of this. I think I just don’t _want_ to believe that Ellen would be a rebel. I really don’t know, Grace.”

“I understand.” The old woman pulled away ever so slightly as she continued to scan the last of Virgil’s products. “It must be hard on you.”

“I… I guess,” Virgil nodded. “It’s just… I still need to fully process this, I think.”

“I really am sorry,” Grace repeated herself as Virgil grabbed his money, “I know how difficult it is to lose a good friend.”

“That’s not even the hardest part,” the young man said, giving Grace the bills without her even asking. “I thought she was dead, Grace. I had given up all hope of seeing her again, but finding out that she’s alive, only to die in four days… that’s though. I really don’t know what to think.”

“None of us do.” Virgil nodded as he took up his groceries. 

“Thank you for telling me,” he said, managing a weak smile. “But I’ll be going now. I want to be alone for a while.”

“I get it, Virgil,” the woman said with a friendly smile, “you can talk to me if you want to.”

Virgil thanked her with a smile before he left the store. That was one thing he knew he wouldn’t ever do. Grace was a sweetheart and she meant well, but she wouldn’t understand. Because this news had shocked Virgil for multiple reasons. Of course, he loved Ellen and the news that she would be executed in a few days was easily the worst news he had heard in a while, but that was not all. Whether Ellen really was a rebel or not, this was the first time Virgil realised what the consequences of his actions could be. Ellen might not have been a rebel, but he _was_. And if – or maybe ‘when’ would be a better fit – the State found out about him, the same fate would undoubtedly await him. It was nearly inevitable, and this was the first time he realised it. And it frightened him. 

For once, the cold December wind was a welcome sensation to be man. The biting cold made his skin sting and burn, but he didn’t mind. In fact, it distracted him from the pain he had felt just moments ago, back in that store. From everything he couldn’t bear to think of. 

Virgil was almost disappointed when he felt the warmth of his apartment building on his skin. For the first time in forever, the cold felt pleasant to him and he wanted to stay outside in the chill. But at the same time, he knew he couldn’t stand to be around anyone anymore. So, he decided to go inside after all. Virgil hurried up the stairs and he almost made it to his apartment unseen, but a voice stopped him. 

“Virgil!” someone called out, running up the stairs after him. “Virge, wait up!”

When he had reached the top of the stairs, Virgil stopped and turned around to face the man behind him. In all honesty, he didn’t feel like talking to anyone. He just wanted to go inside, hide underneath his blanket and overthink everything. But he couldn’t ignore his friend, no matter how horrible he felt. 

“Hey,” Patton panted as he finally caught up with the younger man. “What’s up? You look upset.”

“Listen, Pat, I’m sorry, but I’m not in a great mood, okay?” Virgil replied, a little harsher than he intended. “I just found out a friend of mine is getting executed soon.”

“Oh, I-”

“Accused of being a rebel.”

“Virge, I… I didn’t know,” Patton said sympathetically, placing a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?’

“I don’t know… I think I just want to be alone for now.”

“I get it,” Patton nodded. “But hey, if you want to talk to someone, maybe take a walk to clear your mind… you know where to find me.”

“Thanks, Pat,” Virgil smiled weakly before he opened the door to his apartment. “I’ll remember you.”

When the boy entered his apartment, he did exactly as he had wanted: he walked to his bedroom, where he fell down on his bed, pressing his face into the pillow until he felt like he was unable to breathe. He wrapped the blanket around him, hiding himself from view. He didn’t want to feel a thing anymore. He just wanted to disappear for a while. To disappear until everything was okay again. He didn’t want to have to go through this. He didn’t want to live in a world like this. There was so much wrong with this country. In fact, Virgil wasn’t sure there was something _right_ about it. A state wasn’t supposed to be as oppressive as this one. A state wasn’t supposed to favour one citizen over another, just because they were born in a higher class. A state wasn’t supposed to keep friends or lovers apart, just because they were born in different classes. And the fact that people felt the need to revolt against this oppressive regime and the fact that people were murdered for it, proved how wrong this was. What did they do to deserve lives like this? No one deserved a fate this cruel, not even the worst criminals. It was inhumane. 

With a sigh, Virgil pushed himself up and glanced at the bag he had dropped next to his bed. The notebook was in there somewhere, he realised. Maybe he could _actually_ test it out. Maybe drawing would actually help him out. The boy reached out for the plastic bag. His fingertips brushed against the smooth material and he managed to pull it just an inch closer, allowing him to search its contents for the black notebook. But as soon as he had found the notebook, Virgil realised he needed a pen to draw. He hadn’t bought a marker yet, so that meant that he would have to get out of bed if he really wanted to do this. 

With a sigh, the male got up, reluctantly abandoning his warm bed, and forced himself to walk to his living room. It felt like this simple task took him so much effort. It was as if his body had grown more than twice as heavy as before. But even then. Virgil managed to drag himself to his living room and he sat down on the floor, next to his small table. He grabbed the pen and opened the notebook, ready to draw anything. 

_But what should he draw?_

Virgil stared at the blank page. He had no idea what he had to draw. Would any figure suffice? Small doodles, random pictures? Or did he have to make one big drawing, like a landscape or a portrait? Virgil quickly concluded that the final solution would not be an option. Not only was he unable to draw anything, but he didn’t have the energy to draw. 

So he just drew whatever came to mind. It started as random lines, curves and figures. But it soon evolved into shards of a broken heart, a cracked mirror and so much more, without Virgil even realising. Only when Virgil looked at the filled page, did he realise what he had drawn. The boy quickly closed the notebook and pushed it to the side. He had to admit that this doodling had made him feel better, even if it was just a little bit. It had cleared his mind and part of his thoughts had been transferred to the paper instead. He didn’t feel _fine_ , but better. 

A few hours later, Virgil still felt the same as before. Nothing had changed at all and he just knew that tonight would be a bad one. Either he would not be able to fall asleep, or his dreams would be plagued by nightmares. Either way, he would not get much sleep tonight. So he decided to call in sick for the next day. One day of missing work would not harm anyone, right? Sure, he would miss his chance to see Roman, but he could see his boyfriend the next day again. And he had to put his own mental health first, right? It wouldn’t be fair to force himself to go to work when he felt like crap. He had to call in sick. Reluctantly, Virgil reached for his phone and texted his boss this news. This was the second time in just a few days that the man skipped his work, when he had hardly missed any day in the years before that. But surely, his boss would keep that in mind and give him the next day off, right? Virgil had already decided for himself that he would not be showing up for his work, whether his boss agreed to give him the day off or not, so he hoped it would work. Because if he didn’t, he could lose his job and he’d be back on the street in no time.

Soon enough, it was 6 PM and Virgil found himself in front of his tv with some instant noodles by his side. He hardly paid any attention to the announcements as he stared at the screen. Of course, the biggest portion of the thirty minutes were spent discussing the ‘scandalous confession’ of Virgil’s best friend, and a few other rebels who had confessed to smaller crimes. Of course the State would take this opportunity to remind the citizens of what would happen if they didn’t obey the State’s orders. They tried to frighten the people, to scare them into slave-like obedience, like a dog trained to follow orders by punishment. If one refused to comply, they would be punished. Sometimes they would get away with their life, and the punishment was a mere warning to them. But most of the time, their cruel fate would serve as a warning to the others. To show them what would happen if one dared to defy the orders of the State. The citizens were nothing to their leaders. They were puppets. Playthings. Subjects to their sickening will to power. Statistics, names and numbers on a screen. But they weren’t _people_. They would never be. They would never be more than just a name.  

Much like he had expected, Virgil slept terribly that night. He struggled to fall asleep, and when he finally did sleep, his night was troubled by memories he had tried to repress for so long and stupid anxious scenarios. He hadn’t checked his phone since he texted his boss and to be fair, he could not care less. He did not care about anything. All he wanted, was peace of mind. Freedom to live. A will to live. But unfortunately, he had none of that. 

Even after he had woken up, Virgil stayed in his bed for a while, not wanting to abandon its comforting warmth. He knew he had to get out to eat eventually, but he wanted to remain in his bed as long as he could. Getting up would mean having to face the next day. Getting up would mean responsibilities he wasn’t ready for. If only he could just sleep forever, without responsibilities, without anything. Just sleep. 

Eventually, Virgil had to get up. He had to eat, after all. Even if he didn’t want to, he knew he had to. So the man forced himself to sit up and abandon the comforting warmth of his bed. And when he had finished his breakfast, Virgil even managed to get himself to shower. He knew that little things like showering could help his mental health and even though he didn’t want to do any of that, some voice in the back of his mind knew that it would be good for him. So he did it.  

But when he had done all of that, and walked into his living room, Virgil didn’t feel any better. He wasn’t sad, angry or frustrated. He wasn’t anything. To be honest, he just felt numb. Empty. He didn’t want to do anything, he didn’t want to feel anything, he didn’t want anything at all. Virgil knew the feeling so well, and he hated it. Any feeling would be better than the numb sensation of feeling nothing at all. Literally anything.   

And as Virgil sat there, in his chair, staring at the table in front of him, he remembered what Patton had said the day before. If he ever needed to talk to someone, he could always come to Patton. And he was tempted to walk across the hall and knock on Patton’s door. He could really use someone to talk to right now. Or at least, he hoped he could. Virgil had no idea if it would help him out, but he hoped that talking to someone could at least help him feel less lonely. Knowing that there was someone there with him, someone listening to him, maybe that could fill this feeling of emptiness in his insides. 

But what if Patton didn’t _want_ to be bothered by his problems? Sure, he had told Virgil he would be there if the other needed to talk, but wasn’t that what everyone said when someone was struggling? ‘I’m here for you’, ‘You can always talk to me’, everyone said it all the time. That didn’t mean it was an invitation to dump all your problems on their shoulders as well. It was just politeness, right?

But if Patton didn’t mean it… why had he said it

For a while, Virgil sat there, like he had been frozen right then and there, until he had finally made his decision. He got up and to his front door, crossing the hall and only stopping when he was stood in front of Patton’s door. The boy had no idea whether Patton would be at home or not, but he had to try. So he knocked. 

Virgil waited for a few seconds, expecting to be greeted by nothing but silence. But, to his surprise, the door opened and Patton appeared in front of the younger man. 

“Virge!” he greeted with a happy smile. “What are you doing here?”

“About what you said yesterday,” Virgil said softly, looking down at his feet. “Can we? Can we go out and… talk?”

“Of course! Let me just get a coat,” the older man nodded before he disappeared again. Virgil heard him walking around his small apartment and not long after, he reappeared, wearing a brown jacket. “Let’s go.”

Patton smiled at Virgil as he closed his door behind him. The young male returned the smile weakly as the two made their way towards the staircase. Patton grabbed Virgil’s handout of habit.Virgil flinched at the sudden touch, but he didn’t pull away. He didn’t want Patton to be hurt by this, and besides… the touch was strangely comforting. No matter how small it was, the fact that Virgil knew he wasn’t alone, that consoled him. 

“What did you want to talk about?” Patton asked when the two of them stepped into the cold outside. Virgil took a deep breath before answering. 

“Anything, I guess,” he sighed. “It’s just… I’ve been thinking. And the thing with my friend has been plaguing my mind and… I don’t know, Pat. I just feel like shit.”

“Virgil, I’m so sorry,” Patton said, looking at his friend sympathetically. “I understand how horrible this feels.”

“With all due respect, I don’t think you do,” the younger male mumbled softly, turning his head away. “It’s not just this. It’s not only because of Ellen, but it’s just… _everything_. It’s all just so- so much and so overwhelming.”

“I see,” Patton answered. “Do you want to talk about that?”

“I do. But not here. It’s too busy.”

“That’s fine!” Patton’s voice was soft and supportive, so full of love it almost made Virgil’s chest ache. He didn’t deserve this kind of attention. “We can go to the forest, remember that clearing I told you about? We could go there, if you feel more comfortable there?”

“I think so,” Virgil nodded. “Thank you.”

The two men continued their walk in silence. Virgil didn’t mind really, he enjoyed the relative quiet between the two on them. The city around him was too loud for him; filled with the sounds of people talking to each other, cars passing by loudly. Once, someone on the other side of the road dropped the bag in their hands, and even that soft noise made Virgil cringe. He just couldn’t handle the noise for now. 

Luckily, they left the town pretty quickly and they were finally able to leave the loud chaos behind. But the two men still didn’t speak up until they reached the clearing in the woods. The air was filled with a peaceful silence and it felt like a blessing to Virgil, who sat down on the grass with the hints of a smile on his face as he looked around. The remains of the fire were still there. The rebels had made sure to get rid of most of the evidence, but Virgil noticed a few spots they had missed. Luckily, no one who would see this would be able to trace it back to the group of rebels.

Patton sat down next to his younger friend and studied his face. He noticed so many emotions on Virgil’s face. He saw serenity and careful bliss, but he could see a certain misery buried underneath the mask. Pain, anxiety, regret and sadness, it was all there and it made his insides ache. Virgil didn’t deserve this. Patton carefully placed a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. The younger man flinched and looked around, softly apologizing for his startled reaction. 

“Don’t worry,” Patton said with an encouraging smile. “So… do you want to talk?”

“I guess so.” Virgil’s voice was soft and weak as he reached up to hide his face with his large hood. “I- I just… I don’t know what’s happening anymore, Patton. I thought I was doing well, but I’ve been feeling like crap lately. My anxiety seems to be more of a pain in the ass since you told me about… you know. And now… I found out my old friend is getting executed and I just… I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless, so… so pointless and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“You’re not pointless, Virge,” Patton reassured his friend, wrapping his arm around the other. “No one is. You are here and that it what matters. I am so sorry you feel this way. Is there anything I can do to help? Would it help you if I sat here to just listen to you?”

“I… I don’t know,” Virgil admitted, “I’ve hardly ever talked to someone about things like this before. I never really had someone to talk to.”

“Well, then try it. Talk to me.”

Virgil nodded with a sigh. That was easy enough, right? He just had to talk to Patton about his feelings, no big deal… right? The boy looked at his shaking hands as they pulled at the grass in front of him. No, it definitely _was_ a big deal. What if Patton thought he was weird? What if Patton would judge him for it? What if- no, wait. This is Patton, Patton would never judge. Right? He wasn’t the kind of man to do that, and besides, he was the one who suggested talking in the first place. Of course it would be trusted to tell this man about his issues. Right?

Virgil took another deep breath and finally decided it would be safe to talk:

“It started a few years ago,” he explained. “I think I was… I think I had just moved out not too long ago. And I didn’t have anywhere to go. I didn’t have a job, I didn’t have a place to stay. My parents both work in fast-food restaurants, so I couldn’t go to them for money. I was all alone and I felt so horrible. My birthday is in December, so when I moved out, it was the coldest time of the year. I did everything I could to get food, or warmth. But I didn’t have a place to stay. I must have… I must have spent almost a year in the Outskirts before I finally got my job at Harvey’s. And I felt so… lost. I mean, what was the point of life, if you can’t even take care of yourself properly? What would be the point if your only hope to get out of that lifestyle, was by taking a job you know you would never like? What would be the point if you would always be met with people who treat you like you’re some sort of dirt? I just couldn’t see the point anymore. And I- God, I don’t know how to say this, but I… multiple times, in just that year, I tried to k… to end it all. I really did, but I just… it never seemed to work. And that’s when I met Ellen. And God, she was amazing. She helped me so much, even if she didn’t know. Because she _talked_ to me. She saw me and she got worried, so she walked up to me. No one had ever walked up to me in that year. And we talked and she kept talking to me, coming back to me. I loved her from the moment we met. She got me my apartment and she helped me out so much. I only knew her for about four years, but it felt like a lifetime. She accepted me for me, she knew when I felt bad without me even saying anything and she would help me. And in those few years I knew her, I learned how to feel better. Slowly but surely, I… I did feel better. But then she disappeared. For a few days, I had hope. I thought that maybe she had gone out for a few days, or that she had been taken away for a brief interrogation, that she would come back soon. But she didn’t. And when I realised this, everything got worse again. She was my only friend at the time and by losing her, I was all alone again. Again, I… couldn’t see a point in living, because the only person who loved me was gone. I met Roman not much later and he made my life so much better again. I think I would have really gone through with… with it if I didn’t meet him. And in that past year, I tried to feel better again and I… I think I succeeded. But lately, everything came crashing down on me. Our relationship, the… the movement, Ellen’s exe- execution. And it hurts, Patton. It hurts so much and I don’t know how to stop it. I want to turn it off, but I… I can’t. But I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just want it to fucking stop.”

Virgil rested his head in his hands as he took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. Recounting all of this story, reliving everything he thought he’d forgotten had been a dagger in his fragile body. And he realised that he just… wanted everything to end. Even if it meant leaving his friends and boyfriend behind. It would be worth it if it would end his never-ending pain. Virgil knew he shouldn’t think like that, but he did. And he couldn’t seem to stop it. 

Patton noticed Virgil’s struggles and quickly wrapped his arms around the boy’s figure, pulling him into a tight embrace. He carefully rubbed Virgil’s back as the younger kid tried to hold in his tears. Everything came back to him and quite frankly, he already regretted spilling his guts. Patton appreciated him doing so, but Virgil wished he could take back every word he had said. He felt so vulnerable now that his friend knew all of this. Even Daya didn’t know everything he had just said. 

“It’s fine,” Patton whispered in Virgil’s ear. “You don’t have to try to be strong. It’s fine, Virgil.”

It was as if these words reassured the young man. It was as if he finally realised that he was allowed to cry. He didn’t have to pretend to be strong – something he most definitely was not. And even though he didn’t consciously make this decision, something in Virgil’s mind knew that it was fine to cry. And he broke down. 

Virgil wrapped his own arms around Patton’s waist as his body shook with sadness. Everything he had felt in those past years, from the moment he stepped into the Outskirts to the moment he heard Ellen would die, everything came back. All the misery and pain he had experienced. He didn’t want to cry, but he couldn’t seem to stop. He couldn’t keep it in anymore. And Patton just whispered comforting words as he rubbed Virgil’s back. He hummed the melody to a few songs he had heard at work, and softly talked to his friend, as Virgil buried his face in Patton’s faded blue shirt. No one moved. 

There was so much Virgil still wanted to say, so much he wanted to tell Patton, but every time he opened his mouth, only more sobs came out. He couldn’t form any words anymore. So he remained silent. And no one moved. Until Virgil had calmed down again. 

Slowly, he released Patton from his tight grip and he pulled back. Virgil noticed his hands were shaking more than a leaf on an exceptionally windy day. With a slightly embarrassed chuckle, the kid reached up and wiped the final tears away from his blotched cheeks with the sleeve of his hoodie. 

“Sorry,” he said softly, looking down at the ground. “I-”

“There’s no need to be sorry, Virge.” Patton grabbed one of Virgil’s hands with a smile that was so warm that it would melt Pluto. “It’s good to let everything out. I’m so sorry about everything, though. It’s a cruel society we live in, and I wish I could change it. But it’s not that simple. There’s nothing we can do yet. I hope the next few years will be better on you. But whatever happens, I promise you, you’ll never be alone again, okay? You have me, the rebellion. We’re all here for you, okay?”

“Y-yeah… thanks.” Virgil gave Patton a teary-eyed smile. This man truly was a great friend. 

“No problem.” Paton smiled back and Virgil averted his eyes again. The two sat there for a while, enjoying the comfortable silence as Virgil tried his best to calm down his breathing and to convince himself everything was okay. 

“Do you want to go back?” Patton asked carefully after a few minutes in silence. Virgil shook his head. 

“Can we stay here for a while?” he suggested softly. “I like- I like the quiet.”

“Of course!” Patton scooted closer to Virgil to wrap an arm around his shoulders. “How do you feel?”

“I… I don’t know,” Virgil mumbled, “better… I think? Not much but… not as bad as before.”

“Well, that’s good,” the older man smiled at his friend. “Do you want to talk about something or just sit here in silence?”

“We… we can talk, I think.” Virgil replied, resting his head on Patton’s shoulder. 

“Okay,” Patton nodded. “I have a question. You mentioned your birthday was in December? When?”

“The nineteenth.”

“But that’s in ten days!” the man exclaimed, a little too loudly. He noticed that Virgil flinched away ever so slightly and quickly apologized for his outburst. “I should buy you something! Is there anything you want?”

“You don’t- you don’t have to, Pat,” the young boy replied. “You need to use your money for yourself.”

“Yeah but… but still,” Patton tried, “it’s your _birthday_ , I can’t just not give you anything!”

“I’m serious, you don’t have to get me anything.”

Patton hummed in response.

The two men sat there for a while. Patton asked Virgil questions and the younger man answered them. They continued doing this until they finally got too cold and decided to head back to their apartments. And by the time the duo got back, Virgil felt much better than he had before the knocked on Patton’s door.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Negativity, mentions of death/execution, crying, lots of crying. I think that’s it?

Two days passed and Virgil forced himself to go to work both days, no matter how awful he felt or how terribly he had slept. On the first day, Virgil bought a few markers to go with his new notebook. On the second day, Roman managed to pass a note to his boyfriend. The entire day was plagued by thoughts of what would happen the next day. Because the next day, Ellen Carson would be executed. Virgil couldn’t stop thinking about it, no matter what he did. It plagued his mind every waking moment. If only he could do for Ellen what she had done for him and safe her life. It was the only thing he could do to repay all the times she had saved his life. But he was unable to do so. 

When he finally reached his apartment after a long day at work, Virgil walked straight into the bathroom. He didn’t feel like taking a shower that day – even faking one was too much effort for him. Instead, he just turned on the tap and pretended to wash his face while he took Roman’s note out of his pocket. Virgil turned off the tap soon enough and opened a few cabinets while reading the words his boyfriend had written down.

_Hey sweetheart,_

_How have you been? I missed you again a few days ago. I hope you’re doing well, but please, if something is bothering you, you know you can talk to me, right? I want to help you if I can. I love you, honey, and I would hate to see you in any sort of pain._

_Now, for another question I have. I know there is going to be a meeting this Tuesday, but I was wondering how you felt about meeting up again on the 19 th. It is your birthday, after all, and it would not feel right to let it pass by quietly. I might not be able to get you anything, but at least we can be together. If you want to, of course. _

_Please let me know as soon as possible._

_I love you so much, my dear,_

_Roman_   

Virgil smiled at the words on the paper as tears burned in the corners of his eyes. God, he truly did not deserve a man this good. He had noticed something was wrong, even if they had barely talked in the past few days. And he had gotten worried. Worried enough to write a note. Virgil could not put into words how much he loved Roman. Maybe he did have to tell his boyfriend about what had been bothering him, Virgil thought. He deserved to know, right? They had been dating for a while now and it was only logical to tell his boyfriend about this. And he could trust Roman with this. Roman wouldn’t judge him or hate him for it. Of course, it was not as easy as it sounded, but Virgil decided to at least consider it. Maybe he would eventually find a suitable time to talk to his boyfriend about all of this. 

After reading the note for a second time, Virgil hid it in his pocket again, before finally returning to his living room. He had to write a note to Roman as soon as possible, he decided as he sat down on one of his chairs. Maybe- Virgil looked up from the ground he had been studying as he thought of something. Maybe, if he was lucky, he could ask Roman to meet him the next day, after he had gone to see Ellen for the last time. He knew he would be able to use a shoulder to cry on after that, and he couldn’t bother Patton with it – he didn’t want to, at least. He had bothered Patton enough with his emotional crap a few days prior. Roman was his next victim, Virgil decided. 

Reluctantly, the man got up again to reach for his notebook, which he had thrown onto the table not long after he got home. He picked up a pen and made sure he could hide the words he was about to write down as he positioned the notebook in his lap. Mumbling something about groceries, Virgil started writing:

_Hey!_

_I’m good… just got a lot going on. Don’t worry about it, okay? I think I will be fine._

_I would love to see you again the 19 th! Being with you would be the best way to spend my birthday. Shall we meet up near the forest, around 8 PM? _

_And there’s something else I should say, but… do you want to meet up today? Around 4 PM? We could meet up at the forest, near the courthouse? I know it’s risky to meet so early, and I don’t know if you will read it in time, but I know I will need you. I will be there no matter what, but it’s fine if you aren’t able to come. Just… try?_

_I hope to see you soon_

_Love, Virgil_

When he had finished writing, Virgil tore the page out of his notebook, folded it and hid it in his pocket, so he could hand it to Roman on the next day. After that, he turned on the television, just so he had something to entertain him until the news started. 

The next day, Virgil had a short shift. He was supposed to have a long shift, but after the boy had told his boss about his… situation, the older man allowed him to leave work early, just so he could meet Ellen for a last time. 

It seemed like, as soon as he stepped into the store, Daya saw something was wrong. She frowned ever so slightly as she approached her friend, her brown eyes filled with worry. Virgil had sat down on one of the chairs in the small staffroom next to the locker room – it was a staffroom meant for just the lower classes and in a horrible condition, so hardly anyone used it. Virgil had found it was a great place to calm himself down if he needed some space. Today, he had come here, hoping to calm down his mind, when his friend walked in.

“Virge?” Daya asked softly. “Is something wrong? You look exhausted. And not the tired kind.”

“That’s because I _am_ exhausted,” Virgil admitted with a bitter chuckle. “And not the tired kind.”

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” Daya sat down on a chair next to Virgil, carefully taking his hand in hers. She knew that Virgil didn’t always enjoy physical contact like this when he was in a bad place, so she was relieved when he didn’t pull away. 

“I don’t know,” Virgil answered, his voice softer and vulnerable than Daya was used to. “I’ve just… had a lot of stuff going on in my life, and that can be hard to deal with.”

“I know what you mean,” Daya nodded, “are you sure I can’t help? I can listen to you, if you want me to.”

“I honestly don’t know what to tell you, D,” the man said, looking down at Daya’s and his hands. “And I don’t know if it would help. I love you but… I think these problems should be my own.”

Virgil hadn’t told Daya about Ellen. He hadn’t told any of his colleagues. He didn’t want them to know, he didn’t want to talk about her again. He felt like any mention of her name would be enough to cause another breakdown. 

Daya nodded, but didn’t respond. So the two remained there in silence, until the younger girl finally spoke up again:

“Are you sure you want to work today?” she asked carefully. “Don’t you want to take a day off?”

“I can’t,” Virgil responded, shaking his head. He had to be there to hand Roman the note he had written the day before. He needed to see his boyfriend, and he needed to see him that afternoon – if Roman could make it. “I- I need the money.”

“Fine,” the girl sighed, “but take care of yourself, okay? If you feel like you can’t handle it anymore, you need to go home. I’m sure that James would want to help you out, too, if you need someone.”

“I know he would,” Virgil nodded. Of course he did, James was a sweetheart who would personally fight anything that bothered his colleagues. “I’ll keep it in mind, okay?”

“Great,” Daya said with a careful smile, “we should get ready, shouldn’t we?”

“Probably,” her friend agreed. “You go, I’ll follow in a bit.”

Daya nodded as she got up. She quickly kissed Virgil’s forehead before quietly slipping out of the room, leaving Virgil behind on his own. Virgil smiled as the door was softly closed again. Daya was such a great person and an amazing friend. Even if she didn’t know what was happening in his life, she tried to help. Her sweet and caring nature was a rarity in a world as cruel as this, but it was a welcome rarity. It was something Virgil missed. All he wanted, was the certainty that he could go to someone if he needed someone to talk to, and to be met with nothing but kindness and understanding, but that was hard. This world was harsh and cold. You had to find your way to survive, and everyone tried to achieve this differently. Some people repelled others, living on their own to avoid being hurt, to avoid being tricked by spies, to protect themselves. Other people, however, tried to help others as much as they could, trying to gain their trust and their friendship. They didn’t care about getting hurt, they just wanted to help out anyone who might need to be helped out. And sometimes, those people ended up dead, or worse. But so be it. Those people just let that happen. The world needed more of those people.

After just a few minutes, Virgil forced himself to get up. He had to work at some point. Honestly, he was not looking forwards to it, but he knew he had to give Roman the note he had written. That was the only thing that motivated him to get up at that point. He had to see his boyfriend again. 

The day seemed to pass by so incredibly slowly. Minutes seemed like hours and hours seemed like days. It never seemed to stop. Virgil was positive he had never had a day this tedious and horrible ever since he started working at Harvey’s. Even seeing Roman couldn’t help him. Because sure, it was great as long as it lasted, but when Roman was gone, the day just returned to its usual… horribleness. Virgil had handed his boyfriend the note he had made, and now he just hoped that Roman would read it in time. If there was anyone he wanted to see that afternoon, it would be his boyfriend. 

And finally, his shift had ended. Virgil wasn’t sure if he had been looking forward to this moment, or dreaded it. It was a mixture of both, really. He couldn’t wait to finally be released from his horrible job, but at the same time, he was afraid to face Ellen. After he had accepted that she had presumably died, he had to see her one last time. Virgil knew that he had to do this; it was his final chance to tell the girl how much she meant to him, how much he loved her and to thank her for what she had done for him. But he was reluctant to do it. He didn’t want the State to take her away from him like this. She didn’t deserve this. But he couldn’t do anything about it. He couldn’t do it now, not without dying. Maybe, one day, the rebellion would have grown big enough to overthrow the State, but Virgil doubted that something like that would ever happen. The State was too powerful and the people too weak. They couldn’t get any weapons, or anything else to help them in their fight against the tyranny of the State. They were helpless.

Virgil stopped in front of the court house. With a deep sigh, he took a few steps forwards, pushing open the large doors. The man entered the large, well-lit hall, decorated with marble statues of some people who had undoubtedly been very important to the State. The harsh lighting made the white stone look menacing in a way, and Virgil made sure to avert his gaze as he walked to the reception, his face hidden in the black hood of his sweater. 

He smiled nervously as he looked at the woman who was sat on the chair behind the reception. She smiled back at him as she leaned forwards a little bit.

“Hi,” she said sweetly as she placed her hands in front of her. Virgil noticed her nails had a bright red colour that matched her lipstick perfectly. Roman would love that. “How may I help you?”

“I… I want to- to see Ellen Carson,” Virgil answered softly, “that… that’s here, right?”

“Don’t worry, you’re good here,” the female reassured Virgil. “Wait here for just one moment, may I have your name and class number?”

Virgil sighed and gave her the required information. The woman thanked Virgil and quickly typed something on the laptop in front of her. 

“Someone will be here to escort you to her room in a bit,” she informed the young man when she finished typing. Virgil nodded and thanked her. After that, an uncomfortable silence fell. Luckily, it wasn’t long before one of the doors in the hall was pushed open. 

“Virgil Casey?” a man asked, stepping into the room, looking at the young male with ice cold eyes.   
“That’s me,” Virgil said softly, his heart speeding up. 

“Come with me.” Virgil nodded as he slowly followed the man through the door. He walked into a small, grey corridor with multiple black doors. The two men walked for a while, until they stopped next to one door. For a few moments, Virgil thought that they had already arrived in front of Ellen’s room, but when the guard accompanying him opened the door, Virgil saw that it was something else entirely. 

In front of him, there was a small, white room. There wasn’t much there, just one table with two chairs, and a small, black cabinet. In this room, there were two people, a male and a female, chatting to each other light-heartedly. As soon as the door opened, they both looked up. Virgil smiled uncomfortably as he was pushed inside the room. The loud echo of the door was enough to almost send him into a panic attack, but Virgil took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. 

“Virgil Casey.” The young man wasn’t sure if it had been a question or a statement, so he just nodded, to be safe. “Give your coat to Judy and then stand over here.” 

The guard walked to the other side of the room, where he grabbed a small, hand-held metal detector. Virgil nodded and did as he was told. It was nothing new. He was used to random searches every once in a while, and this would be no different, he assumed. So the man gave his hoodie to the woman sitting at the table and followed the man. 

He just waited as the man scanned him with the metal detector, patted him down and asked him a few questions that made him pretty uncomfortable – “What was your relationship to Carson?”, “Why did you decide to come?”. It was nothing he wasn’t used to. 

The man soon finished his job and told Virgil that they would keep his coat, along with his keys, phone, wallet and notebook for as long as he was with Ellen. He could pick them up once he had finished talking to her. Virgil nodded as he made his way to the door again. The other guard was still waiting in the bare hallway and as soon as the door opened, he proceeded walking without a word. Virgil hurriedly followed him, playing with the sleeves of his shirt as he did. 

Finally, after what felt like hours of walking, the guard stopped and turned around to face the younger male behind him. 

“You have five minutes,” he informed as he opened the door for Virgil, who smiled politely and stepped inside the room. 

“Virgil?” he heard a familiar voice gasping. “Oh my god, I thought I’d never see you again!”

Virgil turned around and faced his friend, who was sat on the small bench near the back of the room. She looked horrible. She had lost weight since the last time he had seen her and her hair wasn’t as beautiful as it used to be. It had lost its shine, its life. It was dead. Just like her deep blue eyes. They had lost their sparkle. She didn’t look like the woman she used to be. Virgil immediately noticed the metal cuffs around her wrists that were chained to the bottom of the wall behind her. She had more than enough room to move though; the chains were only there to ensure that she wouldn’t run away.

Virgil rushed towards Ellen and wrapped his arms around her small body. The girl did the same and Virgil felt her trembling.

“My goodness, El,” Virgil breathed, “you look horrible, what did they do to you?”

Ellen pulled away and tugged at the long sleeves covering her arms. 

“Too much,” she muttered softly, looking down, “I’m so scared, Virge. I’m so scared of what they’re going to do.”

“I understand.” Virgil sat her down on the bench again, sitting next to her with her hands still in his. “I would be too. But in a few hours, it will… it will all be over. You won’t have to deal with any of this anymore.”

“I know,” Ellen said, tears welling upin her eyes, “but I’m so _scared_. I know it shouldn’t compare to… to what they did before but… I can’t help it. I’m so sorry, this is all my fault.”

She turned her head away as the tears rolled down her cheeks, covering her mouth as she let out a sob. Virgil felt tears burning in his own eyes as he saw this and he hugged Ellen once more. He wanted to get her out of here, to hide her somehow and smuggle her away from this place. She didn’t deserve this treatment, she didn’t deserve to die. She was a good person – a great one, even – and she only deserved the best. She didn’t deserve the life that was given to her. 

“It’s not your fault, El,” he whispered soothingly, “nothing of this is your fault. You couldn’t help it.”

“I should have just kept quiet,” Ellen sobbed softly, “I should have- I should have done nothing. Then it would still be- be okay.”

“You did what you thought was best,” Virgil answered, “you should never feel sorry for doing what you believe in.”

At this point, he didn’t even care anymore. He didn’t care if the guard heard him, if the camera caught his words. He didn’t care if they thought he was suspicious, if they would arrest him after this. he had to comfort his friend. He had to help her out.    

“But how can I not feel sorry about it?” the woman answered. “How can I be proud of my actions if this is how… if this is how I am paid for what I’ve done?”

“Just because these are the consequences that you are forced to face, doesn’t mean that you should feel guilty,” Virgil whispered. “You shouldn’t, okay? I know it’s easy to say when I’m not in your position, but… you did what you wanted. You should not _ever_ feel bad for that. You followed your heart and that is one of the bravest things anyone could do.”

Ellen nodded and looked down as she took a deep breath. Her hands trembled and Virgil grabbed them again, keeping them close to him. 

“Oh, I had to tell you that Grace wasn’t able to come,” Virgil remembered. “But she wished she could and I had to say that… she was sorry, and she hoped your next life would be better.”

“Could you… could you thank her for me?”

“Of course,” Virgil promised her. “Of course I will! And El?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you, okay? And I won’t forget you, or what you have done for me. I will never stop being grateful for what you did for me.” Virgil looked up as a guard came in to announce that Virgil’s time was over. “And I will never, ever stop loving you.”

“I love you too,” Ellen nodded as she wrapped her arms around Virgil for the final time. Both of them were crying and they had stopped trying to deny this. “Please, remember that I love you so much. I’m so lucky to have had a best friend like you, Virge.”

“Me too,” Virgil nodded as he was forced away from his friend. “I’ve been so lucky to meet you, El. And I’ll never forget you.”

And with those words, he was pulled out of the room by the guard. Virgil managed to get one last look at his best friend, sending him a sad smile, just before the door was closed in front of him. 

Without looking at the guard, Virgil made his way through the hallways as soon as he could. He picked up all the stuff the guards had taken from him again and hurried out of the building. He didn’t want to stay there for any longer. He wanted to go home, to hide underneath his covers until he forgot about his troubles. Until he forgot about himself. Until he forgot about everything. 

But at the same time, he knew that he needed someone to talk to him and he remembered the note he had passed Roman earlier that day. If he was lucky, the older actor had read the note and would manage to get to the forest in time. Because Virgil needed someone like him right now. 

His vision blurred as he made his way down the road, towards the forest. People were looking at him, but he didn’t care. For once in his life, he couldn’t care less about what people thought of him. He was about to lose one of his closest friends, for Heaven’s sake! Who would be surprised to see him in a state like this when they knew his story? 

More than once, the man bumped into someone. He would step aside, muttering a hoarse excuse as he made his way out of the town. 

When Virgil neared the forest, he could already see a figure, sitting in front of the forest, looking down at his phone. Through his tears, the man recognized Roman’s purple hair and his dark red coat. Roman looked up as he heard footsteps approaching and Virgil heard his name being called. He could vaguely see Roman getting up as he approached, just in time so Virgil could wrap his arms around his boyfriend tightly. 

“Virge, what is going on?” Roman asked softly, rubbing Virgil’s back. “What happened?”

As soon as Virgil smelled his boyfriend’s familiar scent, felt his arms around his body and heard his voice, the younger man broke down. He couldn’t stop the tears from flowing or stifle the sobs escaping his mouth. 

Roman’s heart broke when he heard his boyfriend’s sobs. He wanted to protect Virgil from whatever it was that was hurting him. This world was so unfair, especially to people from the lower classes, like Virgil. If he could do anything to switch places, he would do it in a heartbeat. He himself had never had any problems. His parents were wealthy and from an early age, he knew he was Determined to be an actor, a profession he loved more than any other. But Virgil, on the other hand, his life had been a struggle from the moment he was born. A struggle that, if he was unlucky enough, would never end.   
But right now, Roman knew that all his partner needed was support, a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to him. So he held him close, one hand wrapped around Virgil’s waist, the other playing with his hair, and he whispered soft words of comfort to the younger man. 

“It’s okay,” Roman muttered, carefully kissing the top of Virgil’s head. “I’m here for you, Virge. It’s all okay, sweetheart. I’m here.” 

Virgil held on to Roman as if he was a lifeline. As if his boyfriend was the only one who could keep him from drowning in the sea of his own pain. He didn’t want to let go. Because when he did let go, that would mean he had to return to the harsh reality of life. He had to tell Roman what had happened and why he was so miserable. He would have to recall what he had gone through just a few minutes ago. 

But eventually, his sobs died away and he ran out of tears to cry. Roman didn’t stop whispering reassuring words into his boyfriend’s ear until his breathing had evened out again. And finally, Virgil pulled away ever so slightly, meeting Roman’s eyes with his bloodshot ones. Roman smiled down at the younger man as he ran one of his hands through his boyfriend’s hair. 

“Should we sit down?” he asked softly. Virgil nodded, feeling strangely relieved that Roman didn’t ask about his breakdown immediately. He knew that he would ask about it eventually, but it was a relief that he didn’t do this straightaway. 

The two men sat down. Roman’s arm was still wrapped around Virgil, a comforting gesture in the cold afternoon. 

“Virge, are- do you want to talk about… something?” The first question Roman had wanted to ask was whether Virgil was okay or not. But he quickly stopped himself; he knew Virgil wasn’t okay. So he asked the second question that had swam around in his mind for ages. The question Virgil dreaded. With a sigh, the younger man nodded. He knew he had to talk about it some time. He grabbed Roman’s one free hand with his two shaking hands, like some sort of comfort as he spoke. 

“My… old best friend… she’s getting executed to- today,” he confessed with difficulty. “And I- I just… s-spoke to her, for… for the last… time.”

“Oh my God, Virge, I’m so sorry,” Roman breathed, subconsciously pulling his partner a little closer. “That must have been so hard on you! Were you two close?”

“Yeah,” Virgil nodded. “I knew her for… four years. But she dis-disappeared a little over a… a year ago. I… I thought she was dead, but… then I heard, and…”

“It’s okay, my love,” Roman cooed softly. He noticed that Virgil’s breathing got shallower as he remembered this and the actor immediately regretted bringing it up. “It’s alright, I’m here. Say, do you want me to distract you? I have more than enough stories to tell you, if you do want me to.”

“Yes please,” the younger man answered. Roman nodded and dug into his mind, searching for the perfect story to tell. He eventually settled on an old fairy tale his parents had told him long ago, about a girl who lives with her stepmother and -sisters, almost like a maid. But when the royal family organises a ball, the girl attends, no matter what he stepfamily told her. The prince of the land sees her and falls in love with the girl, but she leaves in a hurry without telling the prince anything about herself. So, the royal tries to find her by the only thing he had: one of her glass slippers.

Virgil smiled up at his boyfriend as the latter told the story. His voice was so enchanting, so sweet and alluring, it immediately drew all Virgil’s attention and he could not focus on anything else. If he was so enthralling just when talking, then how captivating would he be as an actor? If only Virgil could see his boyfriend’s work in real life. He didn’t care if he would die, if it meant seeing his partner perform, it would have been worth it. Roman was such an amazing storyteller and Virgil was sure he was an even better actor. If only he would be able to see it in real life one day. 

When Roman had finished his story, Virgil felt better. Good enough to smile and joke around with his boyfriend ever so slightly. He was still in pain over losing one of his best friends, but at least he felt good in that moment. But he knew he couldn’t stay there forever. Roman had acquired a role in an upcoming movie and he had to prepare, and Virgil had to go home, to do nothing at all. As much as the two of them wanted to stay, they couldn’t. And thus, came the dreaded goodbye. 

Roman kissed Virgil, softly whispered how much he loved the other, made sure Virgil _knew_ he loved him. Repeated it over and over. Virgil just smiled and answered that he loved Roman just as much, maybe even more. But eventually, they could not put it off any longer. After one final kiss – for real, this time – the two went their own separate ways to their homes. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Some stress, but I think that’s about everything. Let me know if I missed anything!

Virgil stepped into the store. He had finally decided to buy himself a coat; he had to keep himself warm in the winter somehow. Only, as soon as he entered, the man felt out of place. This was a store for higher LMCs, UMCs, even. It wasn’t meant for low LMCs like himself. Yet here he was, looking around in a store that was much too expensive for him. He just hoped there would be _a_ coat in his price range here. 

The man could practically _hear_ the people judging him. Thinking what someone like him would be doing in a place like this. He didn’t belong here. 

As soon as Virgil stepped inside, a man came up to him. He wore a suit that looked more expensive than anything Virgil owned himself. With a polite smile, the stranger stopped next to the younger man. 

“Good afternoon,” the man greeted Virgil with his fake smile. He was probably wondering why someone like Virgil wanted to shop _here_. He probably thought he was wrong, or trying to steal anything. “How- how may I help you?”

“I actually want to buy a coat,” Virgil replied, nervously toying with the hem of his hoodie. “A real coat, not one like this. I- I’ve got a little over one hundred dollars, I… I don’t know if that is enough, but…”

“Well, we certainly have some coats in your price range,” the stranger said, his forced smile never faltering. He gestured for Virgil to follow him as he made his way through the store. As Virgil followed the other man, he saw a dark blue sweater that he knew Roman would _love_. If he could, he would have bought the sweater for his boyfriend, but that would be suspicious in so many ways. 

So he just followed the man as he showed them a few jackets. There wasn’t a lot for him to choose from; it was clear that one hundred dollars was the minimum price here. The taller man named a few brands for Virgil as he pointed at the coats on the rack near the back of the store. There wasn’t exactly a wide range of colours, Virgil noted. A lot of black and dark shades of blue or purple. The boy wasn’t complaining though; he preferred darker colours anyways. Bright colours stood out too much. 

Virgil hardly paid attention as the other man showed him several coats he would be able to afford. What really grabbed his attention, was a dark purple coat by P.S., the brand Roman had recommended to him. It was one hundred and five dollars, a little more than Virgil would have liked, but he was able to afford it. And besides, it was a pretty coat. The colour wasn’t too bright, but still stood out, just a little. Yet at the same time, it was dark enough to blend in with the crowd. Virgil waited for the man to finish his little talk about the different coats he could buy before smiling and softly announcing that he really liked the P.S. one. 

So after Virgil had fitted the coat to make sure it was the correct size, he followed the man to the register to pay for it. It still felt weird to possess a coat like this. It was almost _wrong_ , like he wasn’t supposed to own something like this. Virgil knew it was nonsense, but he still felt that way. It was almost inevitable, with the way the society worked, how it pushed its inhabitants towards near-total segregation and how it shamelessly favoured the upper classes. And Virgil knew it was wrong, and that he shouldn’t feel this way, but he couldn’t stop it. 

As Virgil paid for the coat, he could practically feel the eyes of everyone in that store burning holes in his back, wondering why _he_ was here. Because someone like him didn’t belong here. He didn’t belong in fancy stores like these. It was wrong. But he didn’t care. He had to take care of himself, and this was part of that. Future him would thank himself for this, he thought. At least he would be warm.

The next day, the rebels had scheduled their second meeting. Just like the previous time, Roman and Virgil had arranged to meet up before the meeting, to have some time for themselves. Virgil was the first one there and he waited for his boyfriend in front of the forest, toying with the sleeves of his new, dark purple coat. He had to admit, it was much more comfortable than wearing a hoodie or two to keep him warm. It was warmer and it fit better. It had been a good investment, he concluded. Even if it had been extraordinarily expensive for him. 

When Roman finally approached, he embraced his boyfriend with a huge grin on his face. He pulled away and kissed Virgil’s forehead gently. 

“I see you bought a coat,” he noted softly. “You look dashing.”

Virgil chuckled in response as he leaned his head against Roman’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. 

“How are you doing?” Roman’s voice was soft and gentle. The sheer emotions in it could easily make Virgil cry. Roman was so considerate, so amazing, and simply the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. 

“Better,” the younger man responded, pulling his boyfriend a little closer for extra comfort. 

“I’m glad to hear.” Roman kissed the top of Virgil’s head and ran his hands through the man’s hair. 

“How are you?” Virgil looked up at his partner. 

“I am quite well,” he responded with a smile. “We are almost clear to start the first rehearsals for the movie, we’ve read through the script already.”

“What do you think of it?” Virgil asked, wanting to hear more about this. He always adored to hear Roman talking about his movies. He loved his job so much, it practically radiated off him. It made him so happy just hearing about it, even if he would never get to see it himself. 

“The script is amazing,” Roman gushed, “I wouldn’t say it’s the best I’ve seen yet, but it’s great! The cast is incredible as well! There are some great actors, and they’re all amazing people. I’m really excited for this project!”

“I’m glad to hear that,” the younger man smiled. “I hope it will be a good one, then.”

“I hope so too,” the actor grinned. “It would be a shame if that wasn’t the case.”

“Well, I’m sure you will be amazing at least,” Virgil reassured his partner with a smile. “I believe in you.” 

“That means the world to me, my love.” Roman kissed Virgil’s forehead with a serene smile. Virgil leaned into the touch ever so slightly, cherishing the moment for as long as he could. After a long but comfortable silence, Roman finally suggested that they go into the woods, on their way to the clearing. They might not have complete privacy, but at least they would be able to enjoy the warmth of the fire. Virgil quickly agreed. He did like the sound of that. Because even if they weren’t alone with the two of them, they were still together. And the trees would hide them from the sight of oblivious passers-by. Roman nodded and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, leading him into the forest.

When the two reached the clearing, they saw Logan, Patton and Carter were already present, waiting for the others to arrive. They had already started a fire, and Patton and Logan were discussing something with the two of them, while Carter minded their own business. The three greeted the two lovers quickly, before returning their attention to their own activities. Roman was the first of the two to sit down near the fire, gesturing for Virgil to follow him. Of course, the other man did not protest much as he sat down next to his boyfriend, who immediately wrapped his arms around the other’s waist. Roman rested his head on Virgil’s shoulder as he stared at the fire in front of them. Virgil chuckled as he studied his boyfriend’s face. The older man seemed lost in thought as his eyes traced the orange fire. The conversation of the others sounded distant as Virgil stared at his boyfriend, once again thinking about how lucky he was to be with this man. 

After a while, Roman glanced at Virgil, who was still looking at him. 

“You like what you see?” the actor asked softly with a careful grin. 

“I love it,” Virgil retorted, kissing his boyfriend’s cheek, as if he wanted to prove his words by this simple gesture. Roman chuckled softly as he closed his eyes. He just wanted this moment to last forever. Just sitting here, near the fire, with his boyfriend, just enjoying the silence of the night. He just wanted to stay with Virgil forever. And knowing that he couldn’t broke his heart. It was probably the only thing he truly wanted, and the only thing he knew he could never get, no matter how successful he would be in the future. But maybe… maybe there was a way to see Virgil more often without breaking the laws of their society. In fact, Roman _knew_ there was a way. He just had to find it. 

Time passed by and slowly more and more people joined. Virgil and Roman softly talked about Roman’s upcoming movie and Virgil’s days at the shop. They talked about how they wanted to be with each other and Virgil even remembered to mention the woman he saw at the courthouse. Like he expected, his boyfriend loved the detail the woman had put into her looks by matching nail polish with her lipstick. He was so excited. It was endearing, really. With a grin, the younger man watched his partner as he spoke about some new trend he had seen somewhere. Virgil didn’t really understand this, but he loved listening to Roman talk about this. He was so passionate about it and that was enough for the other. If his boyfriend was happy, so was he. 

The two continued to talk, while more people arrived. And as 8 PM approached, less people came in, until they finally stopped arriving.

“If we are all present, I suggest we discuss the plan we came up with during the last meeting,” Logan said after a few more minutes of waiting. “So, has anyone found a suitable place where we can execute our plans?”

“The square near the courthouse,” Sarah suggested, “there are a bunch of posters there, and more than enough space to make a scene. I don’t know how many cameras there are though, or where they are. But I think it would be a good option.”

“We’ll keep that in mind, then,” Logan nodded, turning his head towards Virgil. “Virgil, do you think you could pass the square to see if you would be able to take up a position there?”

“I don’t know,” the young man admitted, looking down at his hands as he thought about this. “The courthouse is not exactly close to me, and I’d have to make a detour if I would go there after work, but maybe I can think of something.”

“Well, it isn’t required,” Logan quickly said, “I just thought it would be best if you went there to take a look, as you will be the one who needs to be comfortable enough to execute our plan, but I am sure there will be someone else who can do it, if you don’t have the opportunity.”

“No, I get that,” Virgil reassured the other absentmindedly while he tried to come up with a good reason why he should pass through that square. He didn’t go there too often, as it was out of his way. It was too far away. But there should have to be at least one reason, right? One opportunity? “Maybe I can… I think I could pass through it on my way to the edge of the forest down there. I never really take that route but… I don’t know, would that be too suspicious?”

“Even if it is, you aren’t doing anything, right?” Daisy replied. “We could even make sure to not go to the forest on the same day as you to avoid any suspicions of a secret meeting. But I think the State would see that you’re not doing anything secretive, wouldn't they?”

“We can never be fully sure, of course,” Logan added, “but I do think Daisy is right. If you do nothing out of the ordinary, the State will have no reason to suspect you. However, it would be wise for you to take that route more often, if we do want to use that square for our plan. Because it _would_ be suspicious if you happened to pass the square on the exact day someone wrote on one of the posters there. Especially if you hardly ever come there. Speaking of suspicions, is there anyone beside Virgil who has already started the habit of carrying a notebook and marker around?”

“Not yet, but I could start that soon,” Sarah noted. “I will wait a few days, of course, so it would- wait, no… I think Patton should do it.”

“Me?” Patton asked, frowning a bit. “Why?”

“Well, the State knows that you know Virgil,” the woman explained patiently, “so maybe the two of you can talk about it and you could decide to try it out too. I think that would make more sense than two people who seemingly don’t know each other miraculously coming up with the same idea, you know?”

“Sar has a point,” Daisy nodded, earning a small smile from the other female, “it would make more sense. We need to be as careful as possible on this, and I think this is the best solution. We don’t know what the State know and if Sarah would be the next one to start this habit, they might link the two of you together. We need to play it safe.”     

“Alright,” Patton said, convinced by their clarifications. “We can do that, right, Virge?”

“We should be able to do that,” the younger male agreed, not looking up. “As long as there’s a good possibility.”

“We’ll just have to wait for the right opportunity then,” Patton nodded, “or well… we will create an opportunity. We can do that.”

“Perfect,” Logan said with a nod. “I think we will have to figure out who will participate in this plan so we can schedule a few meetings with just the ones who will be involved. So, we know Virgil will participate, and I think Daisy and Roman volunteered as well?”

“You thought correctly, Specs,” Virgil’s boyfriend said with a proud grin. Virgil chuckled softly as he kissed his boyfriend’s cheek, muttering how much of an idiot he was. 

“Most certainly, _Specs_ ,” Daisy repeated the nickname Roman had given Logan with a grin to rival the actor’s. “That’s a great nickname, Roman, I should use it more often.”

“Why, thank you,” Roman responded. “I did spend two whole seconds thinking of it, I’m glad it was worth the effort.”

“Okay, I think we need one more to run into you guys and cause a scene, if I recall correctly,” Logan said, trying to focus the two UCs. “The rest of the group can still participate if they want, by joining in on the chaos, but I do not think it is important for them to be present for a meeting just yet. Is there anyone who volunteers?”

“I do,” Sarah quickly responded, glancing at Daisy for a few fractions of a second before she turned her gaze to Logan. “I mean… I am a low UMC. I think that’s good enough, right? I am still not supposed to be near you two so… is that good enough?”

“But I can’t yell at you, Sar!” Daisy protested in a childishly whiny manner. “I love you too much for that! I could never be angry at you!”

“But it’s just a- a role, right?” Sarah asked, stumbling over her words ever so slightly as she looked at her friend, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. 

“But I still have to yell at you,” Daisy said, “and I don’t want to yell to your face! You’d be upset and you’d look all sad and I don’t want that! I don’t want to upset you!”

“It’s not real, though.”

“ _But it would look real, Sarah_!” Daisy emphasised every word, falling down dramatically, resting her head on Sarah’s lap. “ _And it would feel real!”_

“Alright,” Sarah decided with a soft giggle, as she looked down at the woman in her lap. “I won’t participate then.“

“Nooo,” Daisy whined, “I don’t want you to step back because of me! You wanted to participate, and you should be able to!”

“But you literally said that you wouldn’t be able to yell at me,” Sarah said. “And that’s a pretty big part of your role.”

“But I don’t want that to stop you from joining, I would love for you to join!”

“You are an idiot,” the shorter female stated, shaking her head with a fond smile. Daisy just frowned up at her.

“Rude,” she pouted. Suddenly, her eyes lit up as a mischievous grin replaced her pout. “Unless… am I _your_ idiot?”

“Sure you are.” Sarah’s statement was followed by a high-pitched squeal from Daisy. Sarah just chuckled as she looked at the squealing woman. 

“So, Sarah,” Logan interrupted, “are you with us?”

“Yeah, I am!” Sarah decided with a nod, prompting a soft cheer from Daisy. Sarah chuckled again and bowed her head ever so slightly, to whisper something to the female. Whatever it was, it earned another giggle and a nod from Daisy. 

“Great,” Logan nodded. “I do not think there is a lot for us to discuss now, as we need to take the time to set up our plan. I propose that the next meeting will be held in three weeks, with just Virgil, Roman, Sarah, Daisy and me, so we can discuss the plans with the five of us. I do hope that by that time, Patton and Virgil will already have talked about the notebook, so we can progress our plan there, too. I will stop by the Plaza a few times, to make sure of this and I might start with it myself. Do make sure to come here separately at least once in the next few weeks to avoid suspicion, and Virgil, try to pass the square a few times to see if you feel comfortable with it.”

“When exactly will we meet up next?” Daisy asked, already getting up. 

“January fifth,” Logan answered after a short silence, “the same time as today.” 

“How about the others?” Patton questioned. “When do we all meet up again?”

“How about the tenth?” Logan replied quickly, his eyes meeting the older man’s. “9 PM? It will just be a brief meeting to inform you of our plans and to arrange a longer meeting with all of us.”

“Sounds good.” Patton seemed content with this answer and didn’t ask anything else. 

“If that is all, I think we are done for now,” Logan concluded. “Remember the dates and times, and when you are supposed to come back here and we will be fine. Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: I’m going to stop uploading this fic every week, instead, I will post this every two weeks. It’s getting to a point where I need to put more thought into my writing and it takes a longer time than before. And with my busy schedule, both for uni and writing, it would be better for me to give myself some more time. So the next chapter will be up in two weeks!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: I don’t think there are any, but let me know if I need to tag anything

On the day of his birthday, Virgil dragged himself out of bed, hardly even registering the date. For one moment, he remembered that it was his birthday, but he quickly pushed it away. He didn’t exactly mind his birthday a lot, which was probably a consequence of his upbringing. His parents never celebrated birthdays. Sure, they wished each other a happy birthday and if they were lucky, they would have something like a cake. But that was it. His parents were too busy working too many hours for too little money to actually celebrate birthdays. Virgil didn’t mind it, though. He knew he would have hated any more attention. He didn’t understand the point of it anyways, but it seemed to be a big thing in the society, so he just accepted this. 

His morning passed as any other morning. Virgil had some breakfast, took a brief shower and got dressed. When he finished, Virgil had a few more minutes to spare before he _really_ had to leave for his work. With a sigh, the kid got his coat and slowly prepared to leave.

When Virgil stepped out into the hallway, he was immediately ambushed by a grinning Patton – had he been waiting for him? They couldn’t just happen to walk out at the exact same time, could they?

“Heya Virge,” the older man smiled, hugging his friend. “Happy birthday!”

“Thanks, Pat,” Virgil responded slightly embarrassed yet endeared by this gesture. 

“It’s your twenty-fourth, right?” 

“Sure is,” the kid said with a nod. 

“Aw, look at that,” Patton cooed, “my little kid is growing up!”

“Shut up,” Virgil chuckled softly as he carefully nudged Patton. The latter giggled as the two made their way downstairs, on their way to their jobs. 

“I refuse,” he teased with a grin. Virgil rolled his eyes with an amused smile as the two walked downstairs in silence. 

“So,” Patton started when they reached the outside, “do you have anything planned for today?”

“Nothing but work and doing nothing all day,” Virgil responded softly. “Though I… I might go out of town later tonight, take a walk or something.”

“But nothing else?” Patton asked, his voice laced with a certain king of intrigue. “Well, I hope you’ll have a good day anyways!”

“As if,” the younger man said with a biter chuckle. “How could I? There’s nothing for me out there, nothing to distract me from… stuff.”

“Hey, don’t be like that,” Patton tried, “there’s more than enough for you! How about we do something tonight? Just the two of us?”

“I would love that,” Virgil said as he tried to come up with an excuse. He couldn’t tell Patton he would be meeting up with Roman tonight; there were cameras everywhere. “But I- ehm, I don’t know if that’s wise. I don’t know how busy today will be at work, and I… I think I might want some time for myself, but maybe… we’ll have to see I think? It does sound like a great idea, though.”

“That’s fine,” Patton said. His voice was light and cheerful, yet Virgil thought he heard another tone, an emotion he couldn’t quite place, but he just shrugged it off. It was probably nothing. “Just see if you’re up to it tonight. And otherwise, we’ll have plenty of time to do something with the two of us later on, won’t we?”

“Definitely,” the younger man nodded. This answer earned him another smile from Patton as the two silently made their way to their jobs. 

“Oh, how about we celebrate Christmas together?” Patton suggested with an excited gasp. “That should be fun, right?”

Virgil looked up at his friend, not sure if he was serious or not. Patton returned his gaze with a typical Patton-smile that would be bright enough to make anyone’s heart melt. Apparently, he meant it, and he was excited for it. And Virgil would have loved it, but there was little problem with the plan.

“Do you celebrate Christmas?” Virgil asked, returning his attention to the traffic around the two, making sure nothing would happen. 

“Yeah, don’t you?”

“Well… I do remember the day,” the younger boy shrugged, “and I watch the celebration on TV, but I don’t really… have the money to do anything to celebrate it.”

“Neither do I,” Patton said, “but that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate it! We could just hang out together, maybe buy something a little bit more fancy than usual. A celebration doesn’t have to be big! We don’t even need decorations! So, what do you say, Virge? Just the two of us, having some fun together? Doesn’t that sound good?”

It did sound good. In fact, it sounded _great_. Virgil had never really celebrated Christmas on his own. He never really felt the desire to do so. But this offer sounded so tempting. And it would be fun to spend more time with Patton, too. The two had never really done a lot together, despite living so close to each other. 

“Sounds amazing, Pat,” the kid smiled. “Let’s do it.”

When they finally reached Harvey’s, the two parted ways. Patton embraced Virgil one final time, before wishing him a good day. Virgil smiled and thanked his friend, before reluctantly going inside. As soon as Virgil had changed and walked into the shop, he was practically ambushed by well-meaning colleagues who congratulated him with his birthday. Virgil smiled and accepted all of their remarks, answered their questions and thanked them for their kind words, silently wishing this would just all be over. If he could have chosen any way to spend his birthday, he would be at home, alone. Maybe he could spend some time with Patton – and in an ideal fantasy, Roman would be there, too. It would just be like any other day, without any unnecessary attention from others. But unfortunately, that wish could not be granted today. Maybe next year would be better. 

Virgil’s day was uncomfortably long. He didn’t know what caused this. Maybe it was the prospect of him meeting with his boyfriend, or all the thoughts that took up half of his time. He didn’t know. Virgil just knew that he could not wait for his long shift to be over. But nine hours was a long time, even when time didn’t appear to have slowed down as much as it had for Virgil that day. Everyone felt so much more annoying than usually. Where Virgil never really mind the cheerful Middle Classers going on and on about their day, he now just nodded and _prayed_ for their story to finally be over. And where he could always feel the burning stares of Upper Classers… he still felt their gaze burning a hole in him, only now he was even more aware of it. And he hated it. 

But every day had to end and even this extraordinarily long one couldn’t last forever – even though for a few moments, Virgil feared that it would. After nine extremely long hours, Virgil was finally given his freedom back. He would just have enough time to go home, grab a bite and watch the news. After that, he could finally go out and meet Roman. The _only_ thing he was truly looking forwards to that day. 

The first thing the young man noticed when he stepped inside, was that his apartment was colder than usual. It was still warm, but only slightly. Grumbling under his breath, Virgil strode over to his radiator and placed a hand against the white iron. Like he expected, it was cold. With a frustrated groan, the man turned around, deciding it would be best to keep his coat on for now, to protect him from the cold that would soon enter the apartment. He just walked over to his kitchen to get himself a few crackers to eat and some water to drink. Then, he carried his plate and glass back to the living room, where he sat down in one of his chairs, waiting for the clock to strike six. He impatiently took a few small bites of his food, staring into the abyss of absolutely nothing, absentmindedly overthinking anything to come to his mind. 

Virgil quickly finished his food and got himself an apple and some more water just before the news was about to start. 

The thirty minutes that followed, could not pass by quickly enough. Virgil just wanted this to be over so he could get out, meet up with his boyfriend and spend some time together. Away from the prying eyes of the State’s cameras. Away from the pressure of society. Away from everything, lost in a moment where only they existed. Where only they mattered. Lost in an illusion of peace. A beautiful illusion.

When the news ended, Virgil had to stop himself from practically dashing out of the door. He couldn’t let the State know of the agreement he had made with Roman. As calmly as he could, Virgil got up to throw out the apple core he still carried in his hand. He then moved over to his window, looking out at the calm streets, coated in the light of the slowly setting sun. He stayed there, looking outside for a while, before he decided to go out, and take a walk. 

As Virgil walked outside, he decided to pass the square near the courthouse to try and get an idea of the scene there. Everything was fine, it was going great. Until Virgil passed a few smaller shops, not long before he would walk onto the square.

“Casey,” a stern voice called out over one of the microphones. “Virgil Casey. Stand aside.” Virgil suppressed a groan as he stopped in his tracks. He could feel the eyes of the people around burning in his back as they looked at him. He could practically feel their pity and curiosity. Everyone knew they wanted him. Just great. They couldn’t have picked a better day, the man noted bitterly.

This was not the first time they had pulled him aside. He was a Lower Middle Classer, he lived in one of the poorest neighbourhoods in town – if it wasn’t _the_ poorest. Of course the State was suspicious of him. 

Virgil stood on the side of the road, waiting for one of the State’s guards to approach him.  
“Casey,” a voice called behind him. “Come with me.” 

The male turned around to see another man, around thirty years old and much, much taller than he was. He was dressed in the dark blue uniform of the State. Virgil nodded and did as he was told; he didn’t want to get into any more trouble. He followed the guard to a small office, crammedbetween two shops. 

He was sure that everyone was watching him as he walked towards the office. Everyone would pity the poor soul that would be subjected to the State’s ‘random searches’. Even though they were called random, everyone knew they were anything but. The State merely called them random to maintain the peace among their citizens, but everyone noticed the higher classes barely had to endure these searches. It was only the lower classes. 

The guard scanned a small chip card and opened the black door. It led the two to a small, white room. One female, dressed in an identical dark uniform, was sitting at a table, reading something on her phone. She looked up when the two men entered and smiled a fake smile a she put her phone in a pocket of her dark blue uniform. The woman didn’t have to tell Virgil to hand her his coat and shoes anymore. He knew the procedure by now. He took off his coat and gave it to the female, not locking eyes with her. After that, he took of his shoes and placed them next to the table. Then, he followed the male guard to the other side of the room and cleared out his pockets as the guard picked up a small hand-held metal detector that was placed on top of one of the brown cabinets. The man scanned Virgil, trying to find anything illegal the boy could carry. When this failed, he resorted to roughly patting the guy down. 

It was always him. It was always him who they picked out. It was as if they knew he hated the State with every fibre of his being. Like they knew of his rebellious thoughts. Like they -

And that was when his anxiety kicked in. Why did they pick to search him now? Why _now_? Had he left a note behind? Had they seen what he wrote or had he acted too suspiciously? Had he done anything wrong? Had he shown a hint of his feelings, his thoughts?

“You’re going out of town a lot,” the guard noted as he crouched to feel Virgil’s legs. 

“Yeah, I love going out to the fields,” Virgil responded with a tremble in his voice, “it… helps me with my anxiety.”

“I see,” the guard said as he continued with Virgil’s right leg, “you must be feeling awfully anxious lately, then. Anything going on in your life?” 

Virgil could feel the man’s eyes burning. The guard got up to feel Virgil’s arms and sides. The boy never got used to this, no matter how often he was subjected to this. He never got used to the guard’s rough hands touching him and pushing him around. It was never comfortable. 

“No,” he said, trying his best not to seem too nervous. They were onto him. They knew he went out of town on a regular basis. “It’s just the… the stress of work and the pressure to find a new job…”

“Have you been looking for a new job, though?” The guard squinted at Virgil and the guy could feel his heart freezing. “I’m not sure you have.”

“Well… there’s just a lot of pressure and just the thought…” Virgil closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he tried to calm down. “It makes me anxious,” he finally choked out. At least he could use the anxiety he was feeling in his little act. If only the guard would buy it.

After a short, awkward silence, the guard stepped back. He looked at the woman who had searched the coat and shoes Virgil had provided her with, and the two wordlessly conversed. After another eternity, the man looked back at Virgil.

“Alright Casey, you’re good for now,” he announced. “You can go.”

Virgil nodded and quickly walked away, taking a few deep breaths. First, he put his shoes back on and took his coat from the female guard in his hands. He then walked away from the office, as quickly as possible as he felt his breath speeding up. This was not good. They were onto him. They had to be. 

As soon as Virgil approached the field, Roman saw something was up. He already suspected something had happened, as his boyfriend was later than he usually was, but with his arrival, Roman was sure of it. Something about his body language and the way he walked betrayed this fact. Of course something had to happen on his birthday, the State couldn’t have picked a better day for it. 

“Virgil, what happened?” Roman asked as soon as his partner stopped in front of him.

“We need to be more careful, Ro,” the boy announced as his partner embraced him. “I got stopped on my way here. Got a full interrogation and all. They’re getting suspicious.”

“Oh no, Virge,” Roman said as he pulled Virgil closer to him, stroking his hair softly. “I’m so sorry. That must have been horrible on you!” 

Virgil shrugged in response and buried his face in the fabric of his boyfriend’s coat. Of course it was bad. He’d been subjected to many searches and not a single one of them had been good for him. But this one in particular had been bad. The guard actually asked him questions about why he went out so much. That had never happened before. 

“I’m so sorry that this happened, my dearest.“ 

“It’s fine,” Virgil countered, “it happens. It’s a part of life.”

“It shouldn’t be.”

“But it is,” the younger man muttered. “And we can’t change it. So can we just… forget about it? Just… enjoy our time together? I don’t see you too often, and I don’t want to spend what little time we do have together moping about how unfair this life is. I can do that by myself as well. I just want to forget about everything for a moment, and pretend we are fine. I just want to forget about this world and how unfair and messed up it is. I just want to be with you and enjoy what little time we can get together. Like a couple in one of those movies you played in. Can we do that?”

“Of course we can,” Roman whispered lovingly as he cupped his boyfriend’s cheeks and pulled him _just_ a bit closer, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. “Happy birthday, my love.”

Virgil smiled up at Roman as he tried to forget about the incident from earlier that evening. He didn’t want to have to worry about the State right now. He just wanted to be with his boyfriend and enjoy this beautiful night together. He just wanted them to be an actual couple for as long as they could. 

“I am sorry I could not get you anything. I would have brought you something, but you know it would be suspicious.”

“I don’t need anything, Ro,” Virgil whispered as one of his hands reached up to cover Roman’s. “Being here with you is more than I could ever wish for.” 

Roman smiled and grabbed Virgil’s two hands, carefully kissing his cheek. With a smile of his own, Virgil rested his forehead against his boyfriend’s shoulder. Roman responded to this by wrapping one of his arms around Virgil’s waist, while the other absently played with his hair. 

“Say, do you still want to hear the story of Romeo and Juliet?” Roman asked after a short while. 

“Yeah,” Virgil nodded. His voice was slightly muffled by the fabric of his partner’s dark red coat, but it was audible nonetheless. 

“Then shall I tell it to you?” the actor suggested. “See it as a present, in the only way possible in our situation.”

Virgil pulled back and smiled up at the older man, the light of the moon lighting up his gorgeous eyes.

“I’d love that,” he nodded. Roman shot Virgil a smile brighter than the sun as he carefully grabbed his hands again, pulling Virgil along as he sat down. The younger man followed his boyfriend and cuddled up next to him. 

“Now, this play is a tragedy,” Roman started to explain as soon as the two were comfortable on the ground, “but it’s beautiful nonetheless. It’s a shame the State use it for their own propaganda, though.”

Virgil nodded, silently waiting for the other man to tell the story he described. 

Once more, Virgil found himself hanging on Roman’s lips as he told the tale of the star-crossed lovers. His voice was just so mesmerising, so enchanting. If he could, Virgil would never stop listening. There was so much emotion in his voice, so much feeling. It was clear why Roman was Determined to be an actor, for just his voice was enough to captivate and move a person. 

Virgil had no idea how long it took Roman to finish the entire story, but he was aware of the fact that his hands were awfully cold. He didn’t mind it, though. It might be cold, but in a way, it was strangely comforting. It kept him grounded, in a strange manner. 

“Roman,” Virgil muttered when his boyfriend had finished the tale, “that’s… amazing. I love it.”

“I knew you would,” Roman grinned as he looked down at his boyfriend.  “What’s on your mind, though? I can see you are overthinking something, my dear.”

Virgil returned the gaze and blinked a few times, processing the question. It was true that this story had spurred a few questions. He was just scared that they would end up like the two lovers in the tale, dead in each other’s arms. Heartbroken, devastated. The thought of it terrified him. Virgil never wanted to lose Roman. He was one of the few reasons Virgil managed to stay alive. He didn’t know how he would turn out if he lost the support of his boyfriend. 

“No, it’s… it’s okay,” Virgil reassured the other with a fake smile. “I’ve just got a lot to think about. The story was amazing, though!”

“Are you sure you’re fine, Virge?” the actor questioned softly, brushing a few strands of hair out of Virgil’s face. “We can talk about it, if you want to?”

“Ro, I promise you that it’s fine,” the younger man persisted. “I can handle this. Just a few thoughts, is all. Don’t worry about me.”

“Impossible,” Roman uttered, nearly losing himself in Virgil’s dark eyes, “I always worry about you.”

“Why?” Virgil was almost as entranced by his significant other’s eyes and all he really wanted, was to kiss the other. But he decided to wait. 

“I always worry about the State getting to you,” the older man admitted, “or about you not being able to take care of yourself, losing your job, your apartment. It’s what I do, my darling.” 

“You don’t have to, though,” Virgil said softly. “I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can, Virge,” Roman reassured his boyfriend. “But I’m just so afraid to lose you. You are the love of my life, and I really don’t want to lose you.”

“Well, guess what?” Virgil asked with a careful grin. His heart sped up at Roman’s declaration of love like it was the first time he had heard it – even though he had heard it dozens of times. 

“What?” Roman’s grin mirrored Virgil’s as he awaited the answer. 

“You’re the love of my life too.” Roman chuckled as he leaned in a little, making the move Virgil had thought about making so many times as the two kissed. Virgil made a mental note to remember this day as easily the best birthday he had ever had – even after the whole searching-incident from before – and he just wished that this moment could last forever.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: I don't think there are any, but let me know if I need to tag something!

 

When Virgil arrived on the floor of his apartment, he was met by Patton, who was seemingly preparing to go out himself. He was wearing headphones that he quickly removed when he saw his friend.

“Hey Virge!” he greeted with his trademark grin. “You went for a walk?”

“Yeah,” Virgil nodded as he stopped next to his friend. “Yeah, I went alone, I’m sorry. I just… really needed some time to think.”

“That’s fine!” the older male reassured the other. “Really. Don’t worry about it, you aren’t obliged to do anything with me. I understand you need some alone time every once in a while. And hey, we’ve got Christmas, right?”

“True,” Virgil said, “were you about to go out, by the way? I don’t want to keep you here if you were.”

“What? Oh- yeah,” the lower classer nodded, seemingly confused by this question for a few moments. “Yeah, I was going to the store to get some groceries I need for tomorrow. But I don’t mind talking to you for a bit- if you don’t mind either.”

Virgil smiled as his friend’s worried expression. He really cared, and he was scared to do anything to do anything that might upset Virgil. It was sweet.

“I don’t mind,” Virgil replied softly, rubbing his forehead, “but I am tired, and you probably need to go before the store closes, so…”

“I won’t stall for much longer, then,” Patton stated, an understanding smile appearing on his face, “but I have some questions first. How was your birthday?”

“Alright, I guess,” the younger boy said with a shrug, “lots of things went wrong, but my… _walk_ made up for it, in some way.”

“Really?” Patton asked with a slight frown. “Well, I am glad that your walk was good, but what went wrong? If you want to talk about it.”

“Just… a bad day at work,” Virgil started, “then my heater broke down, got a random search on my way out of town. Just a series of… unfortunate events.”

“I’m sorry, Virge.” Patton looked at his friend sympathetically and searched for the right words to say as Virgil looked down with a careful smile. Patton really was a sweetheart, he reminded himself once again. He was lucky to have a friend like him.

“Hey,” Patton suddenly thought with a soft gasp, “the State remembered your birthday! They gave you… some sort of present. So, technically, that mean they _do_ care. Even if it is in a… weird and cruel way.”

Virgil chuckled at his friend’s attempt to make the situation a little bit lighter by this comment. He looked up again and saw a smile appearing on Patton’s face as the sound of his laugh.

“You’re right,” the man grinned, “I should thank them for it, where’s a camera?” He turned around to look for the nearest camera. When he had found it, he thanked the State for their ‘great present’. Patton laughed softly.

“I’m sure they will appreciate that,” he told his friend.

“I hope so,” the other replied. “But hey, if you need to go out, I don’t want to stall you.”

“What? Oh yeah, you’re right,” Patton nodded. “I do need to go if I want some food for tomorrow, so I should go before the store closes.”

“Then go,” Virgil urged the other man as he placed a hand on the doorknob. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Alright, Virge,” the older man smiled, slowly making his way towards the staircase. “Sleep well tonight.”

“Thanks, you too.” With those words, Virgil opened the door and stepped inside his apartment, that had already grown colder in the time Virgil was away. The man groaned softly as he took off his coat and hurried to his bedroom to get a hoodie to wear. When he entered his bedroom, Virgil noticed that he had left the drawer of his bedside table slightly ajar. It was the one drawer he used to hide all notes Roman had given him and he usually made sure to fully close the drawer, because even if the State probably could not see the notes inside it, it had never killed someone to be careful. He could not believe he had left it open, even if it was just a little bit. As he grabbed his sweater, Virgil closed the drawer and he then left the room without looking back.

 

Almost a week after that, it was Christmas. All supermarkets were closed that day, giving Virgil a day off. His apartment had grown icily cold and he spent as little time there as possible. Today was no different. The man got himself some breakfast – dragging his blanket around his small apartment for a little extra warmth – and as soon as he had gotten dressed, he went outside. He had agreed to meet up with Daya that afternoon, and while he still had a few hours to spare before his friend was expecting him, he would rather be outside than inside at the moment. So he had made a plan. He would go outside, to the forest, where he could walk around and clear his mind. On his way there, he would pass the square once more, to get a clear view of the surroundings. After a little over an hour, he could start his way back. He could easily kill half an hour if he walked slowly.

Unfortunately, Roman still had to work that day, so it was impossible for the two to meet. However, they had managed to arrange a brief meeting on New Year’s Eve. Virgil had hoped they would be able to be together at midnight, but he and his boyfriend both knew that would be suspicious. They would be the only people there; most people were either at home, with friends, or outside in the centre, to witness the celebration live. No one would be in the fields. It would be the perfect opportunity to meet, but also risky. So they couldn’t arrange this, no matter how much they wanted to. No matter how much Virgil wanted Roman to be the first one he saw when the old year passed and a new one started. It would be a wish that would never be fulfilled. Luckily, he had Patton. The older man’s company made everything just a little more bearable. Just a little, but enough to make Virgil feel better. Patton was there when Roman could not be. And while Patton was in no way similar to Roman, it was a tiny comfort for the anxious man. At least he wasn’t alone.  

 

Virgil’s fingers were nearly frozen when he reached the forest. His toes were numb, but he didn’t mind. He hardly even noticed. He just sat down, in the shadows of the trees on the edge of the forest, looking out over the town in the distance. There were so many memories connected to this little piece of land. So many great ones, and so many horrible ones. All Virgil really wanted, was to get out of there. Out of the city, out of the country. But he knew it wouldn’t be possible. He didn’t have enough money to get out of this place, and saving up for it would take him ages. Getting out of the country was nearly impossible. Virgil heard rumours about people succeeding at crossing the border for good, but they had never been confirmed. There were organised trips to foreign countries, but everyone had to check in with a State Official who lived in said country, to make sure you wouldn’t attempt to flee the country. This Official would organise your entire trip and monitor everything to make sure you couldn’t escape. Of course, this would be hidden. The Official was never called a State Official, no, they were a travel guide. They weren’t this controlling because they wanted to prevent that someone would escape from their claws, no, they had planned everything to make sure your experience would be impeccable. Most people were blind to all this. They just believed the State when they told them this was all in their best interest. But to one who was aware of the State’s habits of controlling everything and everyone, it was clear to see that this was not the case. The State just wanted to keep up the façade of caring about their citizens, of being good to them. It was nothing but an act. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Here's a short lil chapter for you (: I would have wanted it to be a little longer, but I have been really bust these past few weeks with exams and performances. The exams are over now, so I'm trying to get back to my regular schedule, but I still have performances until the end of May, so I can't promise anything. I just wanted to post this little chapter because I haven't put out a lot of content in the past few weeks, so enjoy (:


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Maybe some strong language, but I think that's all

Just according to his plan, Virgil walked around in the forest for a bit, sat down to get out his notebook for some absentminded doodles and finally made his way out of the woods, heading towards the other side of town, where his friend lived. He had never been to Daya’s new apartment before, but he was familiar with the neighbourhood, so with her instructions, he knew he’d be fine. It was one of the poorer parts of their neighbourhood, but at least she had an apartment. She could have been living in the Outskirts by now – though Virgil would never allow that to happen. He would ask her to move in, or help her find a new place. He’d do anything he could to prevent that from happening. Daya didn’t belong in the Outskirts. Of course, no one did, but Daya least of all. She was too sweet, too adorable. She didn't belong there.

 

It took Virgil a little longer to find the correct building than he had expected it would. But at least he got there. He walked all the way up to the fifteenth floor – he noticed there was an elevator in the building, but he didn’t trust the elevators in this neighbourhood, so he just chose to take the stairs – and finally came to a halt in front of Daya’s apartment. The man knocked and waited for the door to be opened. This didn’t take long, most likely because Daya didn’t have to walk a long distance before reaching the door, as the apartment was… tiny, to say the least. Virgil noticed as soon as the door was opened that this apartment was way smaller than his own.

“Virge!” Daya grinned as soon as she spotted her friend. “Merry Christmas! Come in!”

“Merry Christmas, D,” Virgil responded with a smile as he stepped inside his friend’s house. Daya closed the door and immediately embraced the man. Virgil returned the hug and he honestly would want to stay like this forever. It was so comfortable and warm and he just needed this so much. If he could pause time and stay like this for a while, he would, but unfortunately, that’s not how the world works. Way too soon, Daya pulled away from the hug, leading her friend to the two chairs in her living room. The place was way smaller than Virgil’s, but it was good enough for one person to stay at. Sure, it was a little cramped, but who needs space to move anyways?

 

The two friends sat down, both on one of the two chairs.

“Do you want something?” Daya asked as soon as she had sat down. “I don’t really have a lot, because, well… money is a pretty big issue at the moment, but I managed to buy some food for a low price at the local market, so if you do want something…”

“I’m fine,” Virgil quickly responded, looking at his best friend. “Thanks, though. Maybe later, I- I don’t really need anything right now.”

“Okay,” the girl nodded. “Just give me a yell when you do. Now, how have you been? I haven’t really had a chance to talk to you lately. So… how have you been? Feeling any better?”

“It comes and goes, I guess,” he responded, avoiding his friend’s gaze. “I don’t know… it’s difficult to say.”

Virgil paused for a few moments, but he then became aware of the small notebook he still carried with him and suddenly remembered the rebellion’s plans.

“Though I have this notebook,” the male started, “I just draw in it whenever I need to, and it helps, sometimes.”

“I’m glad to hear that, Virge,” Daya smiled, looking at her friend, who still refused to return her stare. “You know you can always talk to me if you need to, right?”

“I know, D,” Virgil nodded, finally looking up at Daya with a smile. God, she was so sweet. She was too good for this world, for this society, for this life. For the nth time, he found himself wondering how he could deserve someone like her in his life. He didn’t deserve someone so sweet, so genuine and pure. There was no way he deserved her. And she could do better, too. “Thank you. How about you? How are you doing?”

“Struggling, as always,” Daya shrugged. “I have enough food and money for rent, but the light in my bathroom hasn’t worked in a few weeks and I don’t have the money to do something about it. Though I’ve been saving for it, and I’ve almost got enough money. How’s your apartment doing?”

“The heater died, but other than that, it’s doing surprisingly well.”

“The heater broke?” Daya repeated, shifting a little in her chair so she could take a better look at her older friend. “That’s tough.”

“It is,” Virgil nodded. “But I’m used to it. And besides, I try to spend as much time away from home as I can, so I hardly notice it at all. It makes getting out of bed so much more difficult, though.”

“Oh yeah, I can imagine,” she nodded, “but even if you’re used to it, it has got to suck, right?”

Virgil chuckled. He couldn’t argue with that. It wasn’t exactly an ideal situation, even if he had gotten used to the cold in his apartment long ago. If he could, he would switch the cold for nearly anything, but this was what he got and he had to live with it until he found a better job. At least an apartment with a broken heater was better than no apartment at all.   

 

Virgil stayed with Daya for hours – even though it felt like he had been there for mere minutes. He really did not want to leave, but he had to, if he wanted to go over to Patton’s, like the two had arranged. So, he reluctantly said goodbye to his friend, wishing her a good evening as he grabbed his coat and walked towards the door.

“When’s your next shift?” Virgil asked as he stopped in front of the front door. “I have to work tomorrow morning, how about you?”

“Me too,” the younger girl nodded, trailing behind her friend. “So I will see you tomorrow then! Enjoy your evening with your friend!”

“Thank you,” Virgil smiled. He turned around to embrace Daya one last time. “I’ll see you tomorrow, D.”

With those words, he grudgingly pulled away from the hug, softly kissing Daya’s forehead before he turned around to leave the apartment.

 

His next journey was from Daya’s apartment back to his own, where he got a few things he had bought for their meal tonight. As it was Christmas, Virgil had decided to spend a little more money on supper than usual. He could save up for his heater after this. So, he had bought a baguette and a ready-made salad from the supermarket to bring along to Patton’s place. When he had gathered his stuff, Virgil left his own apartment and crossed the hallway, where he knocked on the door. It took Patton a few moments to answer to the knock, but when he did open the door, he smiled at the man in front of him.

“Virge, there you are!” he greeted his friend cheerfully. “Come in! I was just preparing some food for us, so we can almost have dinner, if you want.”

As soon as Virgil stepped inside the room, a delicious scent hit his nostrils. He had no idea what it was – he had never really cooked anything in his life and his parents weren’t good at it either – but he knew that it was _amazing_.

“You’re cooking?” Virgil asked in surprise as he registered the smell.

“Yeah,” Patton responded as he closed the door behind his friend, who was now stood in the small hallway. “Why the surprise?”

“I don’t know,” the younger man shrugged, “I just… never do it myself. Guess I’m just… I didn’t think there would be people who do.”

“Well, prepare to be stunned then, kiddo, I am quite good at making great meals with average ingredients,” the other grinned, walking over to the kitchen. “You can follow me, we can get some salad and some of that baguette, if you want.”

Virgil nodded and followed his friend into a kitchen that would almost make him feel claustrophobic. It was small, but there was exactly as much space as one would need to prepare a meal. The small counter seemed like it would break underneath the weight of all of the ingredients and pots Patton had stored on top of it, but it was big enough to carry it all. Patton took the baguette out of Virgil’s hands, cut it in half and placed the two halves into the oven.

“But are you serious about the cooking?” Patton asked, as he walked over to one of the cupboards so he could get two plates. “Have you never done it?”

“Never,” Virgil confirmed. “My parents didn’t do it and they never really taught me anything. And besides, Grace is often low on proper ingredients for meals like that, and I can’t afford the ones the supermarkets sell.”

“Neither can I kiddo,” the older man responded as he handed his friend a small plate. “I just buy everything I need at the market. The products there might not be the best quality, but with the right preparation, you won’t even notice.”

“Ah,” Virgil nodded. He grabbed the plate Patton held out to him as he placed the salad on the counter, managing to find a free space for it. “Yeah, I never go to the market. It’s too busy. Way too many people everywhere, I don't like it.”

“I understand.” Patton moved over to get some cutlery as he spoke, not looking at Virgil as he did so. “But luckily, I’m here! If you want, I could teach you how to cook? Just some basics, so you can at least prepare something for yourself. It’s better for you than whatever other stuff you eat. And in that case, I can buy you stuff, so you don't have to go out. With your money, of course, I can't afford many acts of charity.”

He handed Virgil a fork and knife as he walked to the stove to check on the food he was preparing. Meanwhile, the younger man had taken a spoon to get him and his friend some of the salad he had brought, overthinking the offer. He would love to spend more time with Patton, and he assumed that learning how to prepare a proper meal would prove useful later on in his life. He had to learn how to cook some time, right? He couldn’t eat ready-made meals and crackers for the rest of his life. So, when he had spooned some of the salad on his plate, he turned to Patton with a slight smile and announced that he would _love_ that. This caused the older male to grin excitedly as he stirred the contents of the food in the pan.

 

A little bit later, the two men were sat on the couch in Patton’s small living room. There was just enough space for the two of them to sit down. Virgil estimated that the apartment was bigger than Daya’s, though only a little. There was enough space to sit and walk, but again, that was it.

Patton had prepared some pasta for the two of them. As they ate, Patton turned on the TV to watch the annual celebration. Even though it wasn’t officially obligated, it was a tradition for many to watch it, either on television, or – if you were rich and important enough – live. It was nothing important, just a bunch of UC musicians and comedians coming together to put up a show for Christmas. It was one of the only times the lower classes could see a performance by the more famous artists of their region. For many of them, that was enough to get them to watch it. Virgil personally didn’t really care for it, but his parents loved it and the annual tradition stuck with him. It was nice to have a few constants in your life, something that will always be there. Even if it’s just some stupid show that comes on once a year.

 

As soon as this year’s host – someone named Stanley James – came on stage to announce the first artists, Virgil took a bite of the meal Patton had made them. And God, it was by far the best thing he had ever tasted. There was so much more flavour in this single bite than in an entire ready-made meal and there was just… so much to it. Virgil could not find the words to describe the taste of it.

“Oh my goodness, this is amazing,” he brought out as soon as he swallowed the first bite. “It’s honestly… well… amazing.”

“Thanks, kiddo,” Patton smiled, glancing at the screen for a fraction of a second before directing his attention to Virgil. “I’m glad you enjoy it. I’ve never made this sauce, so it was a bit of an experiment, really.”

“You’re probably just lucky I don’t have anything to compare this to,” Virgil teased with a careful smile. The older man laughed softly and nodded. He couldn’t answer, as he just took another bite of his food, but he just smiled at his friend, clearly thinking of the best response.

“I think you’re right, Virge,” he finally said, still smiling at the other. “We should change that then, shouldn’t we?”

“We should,” Virgil agreed with a nod, looking up at the scene on the television. There was some sort of dance going on, but he had missed most of the act already, so all he really understood was that there were colours and dancers. Patton hummed contently, but he didn’t speak up, and the two finished their meals in relative silence, only making a few comments about the show every once in a while.

Around two hours later, the show had ended. Virgil noted he had missed quite a lot of it, even if he had watched most of the performances. His thoughts had consumed him, wandering off every few minutes. He thought of Roman. The rebellion. Daya. The rebellion. _Roman._ He couldn’t stop thinking about how much he wanted Roman to be there with them. So they could watch the celebration together, cuddle up on the couch, talk, fall asleep next to each other, still holding the other close. His heart ached as he thought of the possibility. If only they had met in another time, another country. If only their classes were compatible.

“Virge?” Patton asked softly, forcing Virgil back into reality. “Are you okay?”

“What? I- yeah,” Virgil stammered, caught off guard by this sudden question. “I’m just… thinking. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”

“I’m sorry, kiddo,” Patton said with a sympathetic smile, scooting a little closer to his friend. “If I can help you in any way, you can always come to me, okay? You know where to find me.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Virgil nodded, looking up at the other man. He suddenly grew aware of the notebook he still carried with him and again, remembered the plans of the rebellion. He had to tell Patton about his new habit of drawing in the little notebook, and now was a perfect time. “I actually… I found something that helps me cope.”

“You have?” Patton asked in surprise. Virgil was sure it was fake, that he knew where this was going, but it sounded perfectly genuine. “What is it?”

Virgil got out his notebook and showed it to the other.

“I draw in this every time I feel like I need to,” he explained. “It actually really helps me.”

“Really?” Patton asked, eyes darting from his friend to the notebook. “Can I see it? Or is that too personal?”

“I’d rather… not,” the younger man answered apologetically, “it’s mostly just something for me. And… the State, I guess. They’ve probably seen at least some of this.”

“Probably,” Patton agreed with a soft huff. “But that’s fine, Virge, I understand. Say, would you… recommend this technique?”

“Yeah, I… think so,” Virgil nodded, scratching the back of his neck as he dropped the notebook next to him on the small couch. “It works for me, at least. So if you need something… I guess you could give it a try?”

“Alright,” the other nodded with a smile. “I’ll keep it in mind.”

 

For a few more hours, the two friends talked together. But finally, Virgil decided he had to go back to his icy apartment. He had to get up early that next morning and he wanted to try to get some rest for the first time in a while. Reluctantly, he hugged his friend and said his goodbyes. He honestly wanted to stay here forever, but he knew he couldn’t. The prospect of returning to his cold apartment, void of any warmth, wasn’t exactly inviting, but Virgil knew he couldn’t stay here, no matter how badly he wanted to do so. Patton promised Virgil that they would see each other again soon – and that he would teach him how to cook. The younger man smiled and nodded, before he left the apartment and crossed the hall, going back to his own place.


	14. Chapter 14

The next day, Virgil managed to drag himself out of bed and out of his apartment, with a lot of effort. He would prefer to stay in and remain in his relatively warm bed. He didn’t want to go out and face work again. Every single day was the same. He would see the same people, scan their products and receive the money they owed. And again. And again. Virgil never really minded. Yes, he hated his job, but he didn’t _mind_. But lately, he felt like it had become more of a nuisance to go over the same actions over and over. The fake smiles and conversations took more out of him than they used to. He just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t fake it anymore. It drained him of all of his energy and left him more exhausted every day. He couldn’t keep doing it for much longer. He had to get out somehow.

Virgil sighed when he stepped into the locker room. His colleagues were already present, he noted. A few of them were softly talking when Virgil entered, but the man did not pay any attention to this. Right now, small talk was the last thing he needed. So he just politely smiled at the others as he walked to his own locker to prepare for his shift. 

As soon as Virgil had changed his shirt, he stepped into the store, hoping he would be able to find a little more peace there. And for a while, this was the case. There were just a few people, setting everything up before the store opened. But after a while, others started coming in. Daya was one of them. Normally, Virgil would be ecstatic to se her but today… he wasn’t sure what he felt. He just wanted to be alone, without anyone talking to him. Without anyone even _looking_ at him. He couldn’t stand to be around people at this moment, but unfortunately, he had no way to avoid this. He needed money, and to get money, he needed to work. And to work, he had to be around people. So he had no choice, really. 

“Hey, Virge,” Daya smiled as she walked up to her friend. As soon as she saw him, she knew he wasn’t feeling too well. She didn’t know how she got to this conclusion, she just sort of… _sensed_ this. So, she made sure to keep her distance and not be too energetic when talking to Virgil. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” Virgil admitted. He noticed Daya’s behaviour and smiled at her worry. “I… it could be worse. Has been worse. So… that’s good? But I don’t know. I really don’t.”

“I’m sorry, Virge,” Daya spoke softly. “Is there anything I can do to help you”

“I don’t know, D,” the man answered, “I’m sorry.”

“That’s fine, don’t worry!” the girl quickly reassured her friend. “Have you got your notebook with you? Maybe you can draw something?”

“I do,” Virgil nodded, “but it- it’s in my locker, and the shop’s about to open, so…”

“You still got a few minutes,” Daya urged carefully. “That’s more than enough time to draw a small thing, right? You said it helped you, and if it does help now… well… that would make work more bearable, I think.”

Virgil bit his lip as he looked at his friend, mulling over her words. She could be right, but… did he really have enough time? What if the shop opened when he was in the locker room, drawing something? What if it would get him fired? He couldn’t lose his job, that would sentence him to a life in the Outskirts again. And he would do anything to stay away from the Outskirts.

But then again… Daya did have a point. If he would go into work like this, he might just have a breakdown, which would make the others focus on _him_ and worry about _him_ and make a fuss about _him_. But if he could draw something and it would calm him down…

“Fine,” he finally sighed. “Thanks, D, I… I’ll do it right away.”

He didn’t wait for a response, but he immediately turned around. Vaguely, Virgil heard Daya’s voice, but he wasn’t able to make out any words. Before he could process this, the man had already left. 

 

Like Daya had told, the drawing did help a little bit. It lifted his mood just enough so he could bear to see other people around him. This still wasn’t an ideal mood to be working with, but it was better than before. He could fake his way through the day; he had done it many times before, after all. Today would be no different.

Throughout the day, Virgil faked smiles, nodded as customers talked to him and managed to put up with snobby Upper Classers. And then, near the end of his shift, Roman came.

The man had bought nothing but a few apples; clearly his visit was just an excuse to see Virgil again. Virgil smiled up at his partner, hoping not too betray any emotions with his smile as he scanned the apples. Without a word, Roman handed him a few bills.

“Keep the change,” he announced before the cashier could protest. “As a tip.”

“Thank you, sir,” Virgil nodded as he counted the money in his hand, so he could put aside the bills that were meant for him. “Would you like a receipt?”

“Depends,” Roman replied with a grin as he grabbed the apples. “Can I use it to get my money back _after_ I’ve eaten the apples?”

“I’m afraid you cannot, sir,” Virgil said, suppressing a smile at his boyfriend’s stupid comment. The older man seemed content at this response, as his own smile grew ever so slightly.

“Well, I don’t think there will be any use for it,” he shrugged. “Keep it. Consider it a gift.”

“How generous,” the kid mumbled under his breath as he tore the receipt away from the small printer. Roman made to leave, but at this comment, he turned around to face Virgil, who had already moved on to the next customer.

“I heard that,” he stated smugly, “but yes. I am very generous. I don’t just give my receipts to anyone, you know?”

“I am sure you don’t, sir,” Virgil said with a nod as he started scanning the next products. “I will be sure to cherish it.”

“That is all I ask.” With those words, Roman finally turned around and left the store. And for the first time in ages, Virgil greeted the customer with a genuine smile. The next woman in line, however, seemed quite distracted. She appeared no older than thirty years and she still looked at the door with wide eyes.

“Was that Roman Lufé?” she asked to no one in particular. As she finished her question, she turned to Virgil who finished scanning her products with a shrug.

“I don’t know, miss. Never heard of him,” he replied. “I am just an LMC, I can’t help you on this.”

“Oh, I see,” she nodded. “Well, I do think it was him. He’s an actor, you see. And a great one, too. One of the best ones of the moment, I dare say. I didn’t know he shopped here. Does he come here often?”

“I don’t know if I should be telling you, miss,” Virgil confessed. “But that’ll be thirty-five dollars.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to stalk him, if that what you’re thinking,” she reassured the cashier as she pulled a few bills out of her wallet. “This isn’t my regular store. I’m just curious. The two of you seem familiar, that’s all.”

“Well, he has come here a few times,” the kid nodded. To be fair, he wasn’t sure if it was wise to tell her this, but what else was he supposed to say? He was a horrible liar and he couldn’t keep avoiding the question. And besides, she didn’t seem to have ill intent, so surely, it would be fine.

“Ah, alright.” The woman handed Virgil exactly thirty-five dollars and as he moved to put the bills away, she got out a few more, which she handed to Virgil with a charming smile. “Just a little tip.”

“Thank you, miss,” Virgil said as he took the money. Fifteen dollars, he quickly counted. “Would you like a receipt?”

“No, thank you.” Virgil nodded as he threw the receipt away. The woman moved so she could pack her products as the cashier moved on to the next customer.

“Have a good day, miss,” the kid said before smiling at the next customer, his smile feeling less strained and forced than usual.

“Thank you,” the woman nodded as she picked up her now-packed bags. “You too.”

 

After that, it was just two more hours until Virgil’s shift ended. It wasn’t too long, but it felt like ages. But then, finally, the clock struck five and Virgil was finally released from concrete hell. He changed into his own shirt and walked home as quickly as he could, hoping to avoid any unwanted interactions with people. Because right now, that was the last thing he wanted.

All the way home, Virgil’s fingers toyed with the small square of paper in the pocket of his black jeans. He could practically feel it burning a hole through the fabric, asking the man to read it. And he wanted to. He wanted to read it so badly. But he had to wait. He had to wait until he was safe, hidden from the prying eyes of the State.

As soon as Virgil got home, he took off his coat, and headed to the bathroom for a quick shower before he had to watch the news. But the first thing he did, as soon as he closed the bathroom door behind him, was taking a quick look at today’s note. He took it out and unfolded it, making sure not to make any sounds that could be suspicious as he did so. 

_Honey, I want to see you again. Preferably tonight. I understand if you can’t come on this short notice, but I miss you so much. I just NEED to see you again. I am going out for a walk on my side of the forest. If you can, meet me there tonight. 9 PM. You don’t have to come if you can’t, or if you don’t feel like it. Please don’t feel obliged to come, just because I’m a clingy idiot. Just do whatever you feel is right, my love. I just miss you a lot._

_I hope to see you tonight._

_Forever yours,_

_Roman_

_PS. Was that ending too much? I’m sorry if it was, I’m just currently overwhelmed with my love for you and it’s frustrating that I can’t openly gush about you. I want to tell people about you, for God’s sake. I want to gush about you. Do you even know how much I love you? Because let me tell you: it’s a lot. I love you a lot, in case you weren’t aware. I love you so much, Virge, you don’t even realise how much I love you. I’m sorry, I’ll stop now. Love you <3_

Virgil grinned as he read the note a second time. His boyfriend was such a dork. He loved him so much, he doubted there were enough words to express what he felt for the other man. If only he could be around the other whenever he wanted. That would make their love story complete.

The kid put the note aside and took a quick shower, taking this time to overthink the offer Roman made. A part of him had already made the decision as soon as he had read the message. Of course, he would absolutely love to see his boyfriend again. It had been a while since their last meeting and after a day like this, there was no one he would rather see than his partner. But something held Virgil back. It was nothing big, just stupid anxiety. Just a nagging voice saying that it would all go wrong. They hadn’t planned this in advance, so of course, it _had_ to go wrong today. They always planned everything carefully. This impulsive trip would get the two of them arrested, he was sure of it.

But despite the nagging voice, Virgil had made a choice when he stepped out of the shower. He was going to see Roman again. No matter what. 

After his shower, Virgil grabbed a quick bite and some water to sustain him before walking to the living room, so he could watch the news, wrapped up in a blanket to keep him warm.

 

The few hours before Virgil finally could leave seemed like ten eternities. He was so excited to meet his boyfriend again, it was hard to keep his restlessness a secret from the cameras. Finally, the man picked up his notebook, hoping to pass the time by making some mindless drawings.

And it worked. Virgil didn’t know exactly how long he did this, but by the time Virgil looked up to check the time on his phone, his wrist ached a bit, and the side of his left hand was covered in ink stains.

It was a little past eight PM. He should probably leave in a bit, if he wanted to be in time to meet Roman. Eager to exchange the cold of his apartment for the cold of the outside, Virgil got up and walked towards the coatrack to get his coat. He just hoped his movements weren’t too excited. Anything could give him away; every little movement could make him suspicious to the State. For all he knew, they could be planning to arrest him at the very moment.

 

When the man left his apartment, he made sure to appear normal. Not too enthusiastic to leave, not too apathetic. He had to be completely normal. But what if the State was already onto him? What if they were watching his every move to see where he was going? What if he was going to be arrested soon? Would he at least be able to see Roman before it happened? Or would the building already be surrounded by State Officials, waiting to arrest him? He was sure they would arrest him at some point in his life. He was an LMC, a rebel, and he was in an illegal relationship. All three of those factors increased his risk of being caught. The State was everywhere. It was not unlikely he would be arrested at some point in his life. That was a fact. But he had no idea when it would happen. And _if_ it happened, what would happen afterwards. And to be fair, Virgil did not want to find out either. 

With those doubts rushing through his brains, Virgil moved through the town, on his way to his boyfriend. He was so nearly out of town when a voice called out to him over the microphones in the area.

“Casey,” it called loudly. “Virgil Casey. Stand aside.”

The kid bit back a groan as he did as he was told. He was _so close_. If he had walked just a little faster, he surely would have able to avoid this. But instead, he would have to sit through another – _completely_ random – search. He would have to allow the guards to pat him down and push him around, just for the sake of ‘national security’. 

As he waited for the guard to come and guide him to their nearest office, the man wondered why they had picked today to search him. had he not been careful enough with his note? Was he too obvious? Too suspicious? There had to be a reason, right? They didn’t just decide to search him today because they thought it would be fun. What if they knew about him and Roman? Oh God- what if they knew?

 

It didn’t take long for the guard to arrive and Virgil followed him to the guards’ office. They went through the routine process – Virgil took off his coat and shoes, handed them to the other guard and responded to the guard’s questions as he was roughly patted down. Like usual, it felt like he had been there for hours, while in reality, it was done in just a few minutes. A few anxiety-filled minutes. But soon enough, Virgil was stood outside again, biting his lip and wondering what he had done wrong. He was almost certain that it had to do with Roman. Maybe they’d seen Roman passed the note? Or had they noticed Virgil reading it? Or what if they already knew about their relationship and were now waiting for the right moment to arrest them? What if they would arrest them tonight? What if the State knew the two of them would meet up tonight and had made plans to arrest them? It was bound to happen one day, who knew when? It could be tonight. Today could have been his last day of freedom. Oh God, what if it was? What if he would be dead tomorrow? Or imprisoned? Or tortured? Or- 

Virgil shook his head. He shouldn’t be thinking about this. He should be looking forwards to meeting with his boyfriend again. He should be enjoying this opportunity and he should cherish the time together with his boyfriend; he shouldn’t be worrying about the future. So what if they would be arrested? At least they would be together, right? At least his last moments in freedom would be with the man he loved most. And that was some form of comfort… right?

 

The rest of his walk was filled with similar doubts and hesitations. Virgil hated it, but he couldn’t control his overthinking. He just wanted to be able to enjoy his partner’s company without worrying. Why wasn’t karma ever on their side?

Not much later, Virgil reached the forest. He was afraid that Roman would have left already, thinking that the other would not be able to make it. But to his relief, the kid found that the other man was still there. He was sitting on a hill, leaning against a tree on the edge of the forest as he looked up at the sky. Despite his worrying, Virgil smiled and made his way over to his boyfriend.

“Hey there,” he said as he approached. Roman immediately got up and wrapped his arms around Virgil, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. Virgil sighed contently and rested his head against Roman’s chest, hearing his steady heartbeat. The hug was so warm, so comforting. Why couldn’t he feel like this forever?

They stood like that for a while, cherishing the moment, but Virgil couldn’t help but be suspicious of his surroundings, fearing that a State Official would come up to them any moment. Roman noticed the way his partner tensed up and pulled away from the hug, looking at Virgil with worry in his eyes.

“Virge, are you alright?” he asked, cupping one of his boyfriend’s cheeks. “Something’s bothering you. What is it?”

“I’m just… thinking,” Virgil said softly, looking away from his boyfriend’s eyes.

“That sounds serious,” the older man stated. “What were you thinking about?”

“Us.”

“What do you mean?” Roman questioned with a slight frown. He had heard that phrase before and it was never a good sign. Was his boyfriend breaking up with him?

“I don’t know,” Virgil admitted. “It’s just… how long do you think this will last?”

“What do you mean?” Roman repeated himself as he studied Virgil’s face. The younger man grabbed his boyfriend’s hands, but he refused to look up.

“Do we _have_ a future?” Virgil wondered. “Do you expect us to come down here when we're sixty? Seventy? Eighty? Sneaking through the city, avoiding cameras? Because to be fair… I don't. I can’t see this relationship last forever. I love you Roman, I love you so, so much and I never want to be without you, but we've got an expiration date. One of these days, they're going find out about us. We're going to die someday. I love you so much, but this can't last forever."

"But it can!” Roman said, bringing Virgil’s hands closer to himself. “Virge, I love you and I always will! There's nothing anyone can do to stop me from loving you. If I die, I die loving you. I would die for you if I had to. So what if we've got an expiration date? I don't care about it! Just because something's past its expiration date doesn't mean it's gone bad. An expiration date is just a guide line. It means nothing!"

"But it means something to _me_ , Ro,” the younger man said, finally meeting Roman’s eyes. The older male’s face was lined with confusion and it broke Virgil’s heart. He didn’t want to be having this conversation but he hated going around, fearing that the State would find out about the two of them dating. He wanted to be with Roman but… not like this. He just wasn’t sure if he could continue this way. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to do this, trust me. But I don’t know if I can do this sneaking around thing forever. It’s just… they searched me again today and I… they’re going to find out one day. I don’t want to endanger you, Ro. I love you. I don’t want to do this to you.”

“I’m sorry about the searching, my love,” Roman spoke gently. “It is unfair and I wish you wouldn’t have to go through this, but you won’t have to worry about me, sweetheart. I love you and I want to be with you. I don’t care about the consequences, I just care about spending my time with you. Really, I would do anything if it would mean we could be together forever. I know what I signed up for and _I don’t care_. I love you, my dear. I love you more than anything in my life. And for me, your love outweighs the bad. I am willing to face the State, if it would mean I could be with you. Hell, I will bring down the State single-handedly to be with you. But maybe, if you aren’t willing to face the risk… maybe we’re not meant to be.”

“No, no, that’s not it!” Virgil was quick to reassure his boyfriend. “I am more than willing to face all the risks. I don’t care what they do to _me_. They can break me down to pieces, but I will never stop loving you. I will never regret being with you, nothing can ever make me regret being with you. But I worry. About the State. About you. About _us_. People might find out about us. _The State_ might find out about us. And it’s going to be devastating. Especially for you. I am just a nobody; my reputation can’t be ruined, but you’ve got so much to lose. I don’t want to be the reason for that. I can’t do that to you.”

“But here’s the great part,” Roman whispered as he brought Virgil’s hands up to his own chin. “I don’t care. I don’t care about reputation. I don’t care about fame. Not if it means I cannot be with you. _You_ are my number one, Virge. _You_ are my priority. Nothing else. And if the time comes that we are discovered, I will face the State. I will face the consequences with my head held high, knowing that at least we got the best out of our limited time together. I know we can’t be together forever, I’ve accepted that. I just want to spend as much time with you as possible. Nothing will ever make me regret this, my darling. Not even the State itself.”

After those words, he carefully pressed a kiss to both of Virgil’s hands, looking at his boyfriend with a smile. Virgil was fighting a smile of his own. He loved his partner so much. It didn’t matter how much he worried for their safety, Roman could have a point. He’d never been as happy as he had been with Roman and it was worth the inevitable suffering he would be exposed to when the State found out. He didn’t mind that, but he still felt wrong exposing Roman to this, even if the other had said he was okay with it.

“Virge?” Roman asked softly, when the other man didn’t reply. Virgil hummed in response with a small nod, awaiting his boyfriend’s next words. "Promise me something. Promise me you'll be there for me like I'll be there for you. No matter what happens to us. No matter what the State might do. Promise me that I know you will be there for me. That I will be able to return here to meet with you. No matter what the State might do to force us apart. I will always be here for you, no matter how hard life will get, I will be there to support you. You don’t have to be there for me all the time, I just need to know you will be there for me as far as you feel you’re able to. I just need to know I’ve got you to look forwards to. To meet up with, and to live for. Until death do us part."

God, Roman was so eloquent **.** His words sounded so elegant, so gorgeous. It made sense, it sounded good. The anxiety of the State lurking still lingered, and it would always be there, he realised. It would never really leave. But Roman had a point, and the way he had phrased it just… sounded right. Everything was just perfect. Virgil loved his boyfriend. He loved him so much. And life without him would be unbearable, the kid did realise that. There was no way he could refuse this.

"Until death do us part.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Eehm, I think some strong language, but that is about it. Tell me if there’s anything I need to add!

When Roman got back to his house that evening, he absentmindedly hung his coat on his coatrack and proceeded to his living room, falling down on his couch. His house was so much larger than he would ever need and while he did not mind all the space, it felt wrong. He hated the fact that he was living in this big house, with way too much space for one person, while on the other side of town, families lived in a tiny apartment meant for just one person. Sometimes, they didn’t even _have_ a place to stay, instead having to find shelter at the help centre; if they weren’t refused.

And on top of all that, he knew that he could never share this space with the one person he wanted to be with. There was nothing he could do about it. He was born an Upper Classer, and there was no way to change that. He was sentenced to a life of luxury, and while there was nothing wrong with that, he couldn’t see the use of this if nothing he could ever possess would give him the pure feeling of bliss Virgil made him feel. What was the use of owning this huge house, all the fancy technology, more clothes than he would ever wear and more useless decorations than would fit in Virgil’s entire apartment if the two of them would never be together?

The house was empty, cold and incomplete without him. It didn’t feel right.

Roman didn’t even know how often he had dreamed of having Virgil by his side. How often he lay in his bed, longing to have his boyfriend next to him to cuddle up to at night. To talk, to laugh, to do stupid romantic things together. He loved Virgil more than anything in the world, and he wanted to share this world with him. The _real_ world. Sure, their secret meetings were the best moments in his life, but he knew that only one thing would be better. And that was the one thing he could never get. Being seen with Virgil in public was a death sentence to the both of them. And no matter how much he loved his partner… that was not worth it.  

But even if they could not be together romantically… there had to be a way they could be together in the same room, right? Sure, Virgil’s job at the supermarket meant that the two could see each other nearly every day, but that was just for a few minutes a day and they couldn’t talk about much without appearing to suspicious. He was sure that even their little exchange from earlier that day had been slightly suspicious. 

But there had to be another way, right? There had to be some loophole, some rule they could bend without actually breaking it, right? A voice in his subconscious told the actor that there was a solution. But he had no idea what it was.

 

Roman groaned softly as he pulled himself up, slowly making his way over to his kitchen to make himself some coffee. No matter what he tried to distract himself with, his mind kept wandering, thinking of a way to allow him and Virgil to meet without sneaking around.

And that’s when he thought of it.

 

The man nearly dropped the mug he held in his hands as he thought of the perfect solution. With a cough, he covered up his surprise as he placed his mug on the counter, pouring some coffee into it.

Virgil’s Determination was a secretary. Maybe, just maybe, Roman could decide to hire an assistant. Surely, Virgil could take the job, right? An assistant wasn’t so different from a secretary, after all. Surely, the State would allow this, wouldn’t they? There was nothing they could do to stop this from happening, it was perfect! Virgil would finally be able to quit his job at the supermarket, he wouldn’t get a _totally_ lame secretary job – at least, that’s what Roman hoped – _and_ the two of them would be able to see each other on a regular basis, without having to sneak around. Sure, they couldn’t be romantic together, which was a disadvantage, but it was so much more than what they had before. At least they could see each other and talk, without having to sneak out. 

The actor sipped his coffee, trying his best not to seem too excited about this idea. The State could not know something was going on in his mind. He had to try his best to appear dumb, never thinking about anything at all. Never doubting anything. The State couldn’t use people who thought for themselves. No, they wanted mindless zombies who believed their every lie. People who could think were a threat. Any thought was a danger.

What the State wanted, was to create the illusion of thinking. Make one think they had come up with something, while in reality, the State had been planting all the seeds themselves. Sneakily, unnoticed by anyone. They tried to control your thinking, so they could take every last bit of autonomy away from you and replace it with an illusion. Make you believe in a freedom that didn’t even exist.

And to survive, you had to act.

Luckily, that was the exact thing that got Roman his money, and this way-too-big house. He could act.

He just hoped it could fool the State.

 

After a while, Roman walked up the stairs to his bathroom, where he took a shower and brushed his teeth.

He then walked into his bedroom and sat down on his king-sized bed, staring through the open window. He could see the dark night sky and just a few small dots that had to be stars. Due to the light pollution in his neighbourhood, most of the stars were lost. It was a pity, really. He would love to be able to look at the stars at night. To calm him down and to remind himself of his own ideals. It might sound stupid, but the man found that the stars were a calming presence in his life. They were out there, always steady, always watching. They were one of few things the State could not control. Never. No matter what would happen in the future, the stars would stay true to themselves. They could never be changed. They would always keep an eye on the citizens the State terrorised. And in a way Roman could not explain, this was a comforting thought. Knowing that the State wasn’t capable of controlling everything, it kept him… grounded.

And as he stared at the three stars he could see in the sky, Roman started thinking. It was a dangerous activity, he knew this, but if he kept his expression neutral, nothing would happen. He started wondering. He knew this was wrong. All of this. He knew that the State shouldn’t have this much control over their citizens. But if this was wrong… he wondered what was right. He wondered what the other countries were like. They hardly learned anything about countries other than their own. And nothing they learned had to do with politics. It made sense, Roman reasoned as he got up to close the curtains in front of his window. Keeping your citizens in the dark is the best way of oppression, after all. Some interactions with the outside world could not be avoided. Trade was essential to their economy and media was difficult to control completely. So, if you could not deprive your citizens of every bit of information, the only thing to do is controlling the tiny bit of information they did have to be exposed to. Of course the State wouldn’t teach them about politics. If people learned of the alternatives to their system, they would start to _think_. To _compare_. They might find out that their current way of living wasn’t ideal. No, keeping them in the dark would be the best. But still. Roman couldn’t help but wonder.

With a sigh, the man turned off the lights in his room and walked over to his bed, wrapping his blankets around him. In his warm cocoon of blankets, he couldn’t help but miss Virgil. He wanted his boyfriend to lay next to him, so they could wrap their arms around each other, talk, laugh, cuddle. Virgil could be the last thing Roman saw before he fell asleep, and the first thing he saw when he woke up. His familiar scent could be a comfortable constant through the night, along with his steady breath and heartbeat. He could be the first one to comfort Virgil when he woke up from a nightmare, or to soothe him when he couldn’t fall asleep. God, he wanted his boyfriend to be there with him.

Sometimes, if the nagging feeling of loneliness got too much for him, Roman would pretend. He would hug one of his pillows close and tried to convince himself that it was Virgil. But it was never enough. He just wanted his boyfriend to be there. Nothing else would suffice. Nothing else would ever be enough.

It didn’t take Roman long to fall asleep; it had been a long day, after all, and he was exhausted. His work had been exhausting, and he knew it wasn’t going to get any better soon. He needed rest.

 

The first time he woke up that night, was at 3 am. For some reason, the actor had expected someone – we all know this someone’s identity – to be laying in his bed next to him. But, like every night, he was all alone. And the realisation stung like a knife. It wasn’t a new ache, but it was one that hurt just as much as the first time he had felt it. And it always would hurt as much.

 

The second time he woke up, was at 5 am. Roman felt like he had slept for ages, like the sun had come up hours ago and he had slept most of his day away. But when he turned to look at his alarm clock, the green digits showed him very clearly that this was not the case. As a matter of fact, the sun was not going to be up in the sky for a few hours. Roman groaned and turned on his other side. He knew it was not wise to go back to sleep again. He had to be up early today to get to the studio in time for today’s scenes. It would be a busy day, and it took him a little more than an hour to get to the studio. So to be in time, Roman had to wake up in about thirty minutes. He would not be able to get more sleep and feel _good_ about it, but his bed just was too damn comfortable. It was so warm and comfortable and just… pleasant.

But, after fifteen minutes, Roman finally decided to get out of bed. Stifling a yawn, he walked out of his bedroom, down the stairs and into his dark living room. The first thing he did – naturally – was turning on a few lights, so he could actually see what he was doing. Then, he continued to his kitchen to get himself some coffee – the most important thing of the day. He had to wake up properly, after all. 

While he waited for his coffee to be ready, Roman decided to send his manager a text or two… three… fifteen. He wouldn’t see them all week, as his manager was out for important manager business, and he wanted to bring up the assistant-idea as soon as possible. So he sent his manager a number of brief texts voicing his concerns. 

 

_Hey!!!_

_It’s me, Roman, your best and most favourite client :D_

_I know you are busy with serious business and whatever_

_But…_

_I had an idea_

_Surprising coming from me I know but shush_

_I think too, don’t Judge_

_So yeah… anyways_

_I was thinking_

_I might want an assistant_

_Might make my life just a bit easier y’know_

_And it sounds pretty cool_

_I’m gonna be busy with Deceived Love most of the day so dunno when I’ll be back, but let me know what you think? Thanks, I appreciate it_

By the time the actor had finished sending all those texts, his coffee was waiting for _him_ instead of the other way around. Roman quickly got a purple mug from his cabinet and filled it up with some coffee, the delicious scent filling the room. The man closed his eyes and sighed contently. The scent of coffee could never cease to fill him with delight. It was a purely astounding smell. He could never get enough of it. 

When he had finished his first cup of coffee, Roman filled his mug again and got himself some breakfast too. He put some bread in his toaster and brought a mug of coffee to his living room. He placed the mug on his coffee table, fulfilling its destiny of carrying coffee, and returned to his kitchen to pour himself some orange juice and to get his toast.

After Roman had gone through every step necessary to make the perfect breakfast, he brought his food and drink back to the living room, where he could eat his breakfast while watching a stupid show the State tried to force them to watch. It was just a dumb comedy show about a ‘perfect family’ with humour that made sense only if you worshipped the State. It was complete nonsense. The family members all obeyed the State’s every command – this was an important part of the show. If anyone dared to disobey the State almighty, they would immediately face consequences. It wasn’t difficult to see that all of this was pure State propaganda, like most of art nowadays. In some shows and movies – like this one – it was more noticeable, and in others, it was subtle. But it was always there to some extent. Just like the State. It was always there.

 

When Roman finished his breakfast, he went upstairs to freshen up a little. It would be around twenty minutes until he would be picked up to travel to the studio, where he would spend the rest of his day. That gave him just enough time to brush his teeth and apply a little bit of make-up. It was useless, really, as he would have to put on more make-up on set anyways, but he always felt that a hint of his own make-up made him feel better about himself, and his acting. It had been a superstition for years and, being an actor, he did not want to risk anything. 

When he had put down his mascara, Roman heard the doorbell ring. Just in time. He ran down the stairs and grabbed the black bag he had hung on his coatrack and opened the door with a big smile, greeting his driver.

“Hey there, Mitch!” he grinned. “You ready to go?”

“As always, sir,” Mitch nodded as the actor followed him to the car that was parked in front of the large house. “Are _you_ ready for today?”

“I just hope I am,” Roman said with a smile, “and what did I tell you about calling me ‘sir’?”

“You said it was way too formal and not necessary,” Mitch responded grudgingly as he opened the door for Roman to get in.

“It seems you remember that pretty well,” Roman stated. “Then why are you still calling me that? You are just a few years younger than me, Mitch. No need to be all formal. I’m just a human being, like you.”

“I know,” the young driver nodded as he got into the car himself. “It just… feels wrong, I guess.”

“No need to feel wrong about it,” the older man reassured the other, “I’m fine with it. Don’t worry.”

“Alright,” Mitch nodded carefully as he started the car. He was a twenty-two-year-old LMC, his Determination was to be a driver. Not the most interesting job, he had to admit. But it was okay. Maybe not for a lifetime, but it could have been worse.

“So, Mitch,” Roman started after they had driven in silence for a few minutes, “have you been up to anything lately?”

“No, si- Roman,” the driver responded, keeping his eyes on the dark road. “I can’t exactly afford to ‘be up to something’, I am afraid.”

“What do you mean?”

“I need all the money I can get,” Mitch explained, “and if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. So, I mostly just… work.”

“Is that so?” Roman asked with a frown. “That is ridiculous! Will you at least get some time off when I’m filming?”

“I’m afraid not,” the younger of the two said, “I have to pick up a few people a few hours away and bring them home. This job doesn’t exactly pay well, you see? So, I need to do whatever I can to get some money.”

Once again, Roman forgot that not everyone in the world was as well-off as he was. He forgot how incredibly unfair this world was.

“Well, that is just horrible,” Roman stated softly. As he spoke, his mind was crafting an idea on how to help this man out. There had to be something he could do about this, right?

“It is,” Mitch agreed, “but that is life.”

“It shouldn’t be like that,” Roman said. He remained silent for one moment, but then let out a soft gasp as he thought of the perfect idea. “Mitch, I have a plan. Are there any days where you don’t have any shifts? Other than mine, that is.”

“Certainly,” Mitch said quickly. “Though I am not sure when. I think… next weekend. Both days. Why?”

“I would like to hire your services all day on those two days, then,” Roman announced. “I will pay you twice as much as usual. So you can take some time for yourself. I feel like you need that, don’t you?”

“Si- Roman, you don’t have to do that,” Mitch tried to protest. It was all in vain though, as Roman had already made his choice.  

“I know it don’t _have_ to,” the actor retorted, “but I _want_ to. I have more than enough money and you deserve some time for yourself, Mitch.”

“Well,” the driver said, “if you insist…”

“And I do insist.”

“I have to admit that it does sound good to have a few days off,” Mitch confessed. “Thank you.”

“It’s nothing,” Roman reassured the younger man. “Like I said: you deserve this.”

 

The rest of the drive was filled with a silence that was interrupted only by the occasional chitchat. It gave Roman some time to think. He checked his phone, but his manager hadn’t responded yet. He didn’t expect them to, either. It was pretty early, after all.

As the two of them drove away from the familiar town and in the direction of the bigger city nearby, Roman’s thoughts wandered off again. Now that the idea of hiring Virgil as his assistant had been implanted in his brain, he couldn’t think of anything else. If this plan worked, he could see Virgil nearly every day. They could make this journey together every day. And while they couldn’t kiss, or cuddle, or even hold hands, they would be together. They would be out in the open, and they wouldn’t have to fear anyone seeing them together. Oh God, he just hoped this plan would work. 

About an hour later, the car stopped in front of the familiar studios where Roman would spend his entire day.

“Once again, thank you, Mitch,” the man smiled as he got out. “Good luck with your other trips today!”

“Thank you, Roman,” the driver returned, “you good luck with filming.”

“Thanks,” Roman nodded before he walked towards the studio. “I think I’m going to need it.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Some mentions of blood and injuries (including branding, burns and whipping), though all of them are fake. Also a few tiny swears
> 
> (State Of Mind, more like In Which Mercy Doesn't Know How To Movie)

Roman entered the studio, immediately heading towards his dressing room. The halls were suspiciously quiet this early. Most of the cast and crew wouldn’t arrive for a bit, as Roman would need the time to get into the make-up he would be wearing for the day. The make-up artists in charge of his looks were already present and smiled at him as he took off his coat.

“Morning, Roman,” Elisa smiled at him as she got out the last of the make-up out of her bag. “How did you sleep?”

“Pretty alright,” Roman answered, “how about you guys?”

The two make-up artists mumbled some agreements as they prepared. Roman chuckled softly as he approached the coat rack on the side of his dressing room, searching the costume he would need for today’s scenes.

“So,” Elisa started as the actor found the black outfit he would be wearing for the rest of the day. “Are you ready for today’s scenes?”

“Not sure, but I don’t really have a choice, do I?” the actor smiled. “I’m excited, though. It should be good.”

Elisa laughed as she nodded, sharing a glance with her colleague next to her.

“We were thinking we should start with the chest, arms and back?” Jason suggested, as Elisa tied her long, blonde hair into a pony tail to keep it out of her face. “Then you can put on your shirt afterwards and we can move on to your legs. And we’re gonna have to do your face and neck as well.”

“Sounds like a whole operation,” Roman joked, “but yeah, sure. Sounds good to me.”

“Great, then that’s decided,” Jason said, turning to the actor on the other side of the room. “Whenever you’re ready, Roman. We are prepared, right, Eli?”

“I know I am.” Elisa confirmed with a small nod.

“Cool.”

“You’re cool.”

“I know. Thanks.”

Roman smiled as he looked at the two while unbuttoning the red shirt he was wearing. Elisa whistled at the actor with a grin.

“Shut up, you,” Roman spat with a smile, throwing his shirt at the woman. “Don’t act like this is the first time.”

“You shouldn’t throw your shirt at someone who is in charge of your make-up, Ro,” Elisa shrugged, tossing the shirt aside as Roman sat down on the chair that stood between the two make-up artists.

“Excuse me, but I can do whatever I want,” the actor said. “I am a star, you know?”

“You keep telling yourself that, sweetheart,” Elisa muttered as she turned around to the paper on the desk behind her. She and Jason had spent ages reading over the script to figure out exactly what to do with Roman for the next few scenes – and it was going to get bad. The scenes he would have to shoot for the next couple of days would take place after Roman’s character, a secret agent who worked for – of course – the State, had been captured by his enemy – rebels. He had been there for a few weeks now, and subjected to horrible torture methods in an attempt to break him. The whole movie was riddled with State propaganda, but Roman had to admit that this was one of the best movies he had been in. There was action, fight scenes, and _stunts._ It was genuinely a good movie. The obvious propaganda was a small disadvantage, though. But nowadays, there was nothing without propaganda.

For the scenes, Roman would get multiple bruises, scars and cuts all over his body, and it was not going to be a pretty sight. To be fair, Roman was excited for it. He was curious to see what it would look like. The two movie artists had refused to tell him what they had planned, so he would have to wait and see.

“Hey Eli,” Jason mentioned as he sat down on a stool next to Roman. “I need to ask you something.”

“What’s up, Jay?”

“I don’t know, I feel like we’ve been growing apart since we started on this movie,” the other answered, reaching for amake-upbrush. “Like… I feel like Roman’s gotten between us. Is it just me, or…?”

Elisa snorted as she sat down on her own stool, getting the foundation ready.

“No, it’s not,” she responded, trying to remain serious as ever. “I feel it too.”

“So, what are we going to do about it?”

“Don’t know, we could get rid of Roman?” Elisa shrugged. 

“You are right,” Jason nodded. “As Always. You are so smart, Eli.”

Roman shook his head at the two, but he didn’t comment on their banter as they started on his make-up. He was used to this kind of talk. From the first day on set, Roman noticed the two were very close, and their enthusiasm was contagious. In a relatively short amount of time, he grew to like the two of them. Which was an advantage, especially in situations like these, where his make up would take literal ages.

 

It took the two make-up artists quite some time to finish everything they had to do. When they had finished all the marks on Roman’s chest, they continued with his back and arms. They then went on with his legs and finally, his face and neck. It took them a long time, and tomorrow, they would have to do it all over again. But it’s fine. All three of them were used to it by now, and at least they got to spend time together.

 

When Roman looked into the mirror when the two had finished, he had to do a double-take. He looked horrible, with bruises all over his face and neck, his lip split and the hints of scars visible underneath his torn and blood-stained shirt. It all looked horribly real.

“Oh my goodness,” the actor gasped as he turned around, trying to see what the marks on his back would be, “what did you guys do to me? I look horrible!”

“Aw, thanks dude,” Jason grinned, “I take that as a compliment.”

“It was,” Roman confirmed, not taking his eyes off the fake wounds on his body. “Seriously, though, what did you guys do? I am intrigued. What is all of this on my body?”

“Make-up.”

“You are hilarious, Jay,” Roman deadpanned, looking at the man with a smile. “That’s not what I meant, you nerd.”

“Well, we did quite a lot,” Jason replied with a goofy grin, “Eli, would you do the honours?”

“Gladly,” Elisa nodded, as she grabbed a piece of paper. “Okay, so, the bruises seem pretty obvious to me. There are some cuts on your arms and legs, dried up blood included, burn marks on your forearms and shoulders, branding included, because duh. A long scar on your neck down to your right shoulder, some scars from whippings on your back down to your sides, and a few stab wounds here and there. I think that’s about all of it.”

“You have been busy,” Roman stated.

“Oh, we are well aware,” Jason nodded, “that’s the whole idea behind it.”

“Shit, we should probably take a few pictures, right?” Elisa suddenly realised, turning to Jason as Roman got up. “As a reference for the future.”

“Oh crap, you’re right,” Jason said with a nod.

“Ro, I know we just finished your make-up and such, but can we convince you to strip for us one more time?” the female asked with a sweet smile. “I promise you we’re not going to do anything weird, we just need to know exactly what your wounds look like, so we can recreate them in the future.”

“As long as they don’t end up on the internet, or some creepy magazine,” the actor joked as he carefully took off his shirt, making sure not to mess up his make-up too much.

“I won’t publish them,” Elisa promised. “But I don’t know if I can say the same about Jay.”

“You publish that, and I will sue you,” Roman threatened with a playful smile.

 

When the pictures had been made and Roman had put on his costume again, the actor finally made his way to the set.

“Roman, you’re looking horribly amazing,” smiled Venitia Aidan, leading actress and one of Roman’s love interests in the movie. “That’s impressive.”

“Thank you, Vee,” Roman said, stopping next to the actress as she studied the man’s make-up with an impressed grin, “Jaylisa did a great job on it.”

“Jaylisa?” Venitia repeated with a smile.

“Yeah, saying their names separately got tedious,” Roman explained, running a hand through his unkempt hair. “So I combined them. I don’t think I need to explain that to you. I mean, they’re always together anyways, so it’s only easier, right?”

“Makes sense,” Venitia nodded. She looked to the side, in the direction of the dressing rooms. “Well, I need to get going, but I’ll see you in a bit! Good luck on your first scene!”

“Thank you,” the actor smiled as he walked towards the set. “I’ll see you later!”

 

“There’s the man!” Byron Wells grinned as he approached Roman with a wide smile on his face. “Roro, you look _horrible_! Did I do that do you?”

“I’m pretty sure,” Roman nodded as Byron studied his co-star’s make-up, much like Venitia had done.

“Wow, I did a good job then.” Byron was the other leading actor of the movie, and Roman’s second love interest – or his first, chronologically. His character was a Lower Class rebel, who pretended to be an Upper Classer to seduce Roman’s character – someone he knew was a spy. The rebel then arrested his lover, exposing him to the worst torture methods. A few weeks later, the spy would be saved by another State-spy – portrayed by Venitia. And those scenes were the ones they were going to shoot today. Starting with the scene where the betrayal is revealed and the scene where he was rescued.

“You sure did, bud,” Roman nodded, looking at Byron. Byron was a… strange guy. Even now, after a few weeks of spending most of his time around the man, Roman was not sure what to think of him. He was fun to be around, but he had a strange sense of humour and a weird energy to him. He wasn’t a bad guy, not at all! Just… _weird_.

Byron chuckled as he took a few steps back, adjusting his dark red shirt as he did so.

“Ro, there you are!” Roman heard the voice of their director before they saw them, pushing their way through the small crowd of camera guys that had gathered around the set to prepare. Blake Henderson, the director, was a tiny, tiny enby with a lot of authority nonetheless. They were the smallest on the set, but with enough personality and gall to make up for that. It was curious how did had come to be.

“Well, are you guys ready for your first scene?” Blake asked, stopping in front of the two men.

“I know I am,” Byron grinned.

“Yeah, me too,” Roman nodded. “At least… I hope I am.”

“Don’t sweat it, you,” the director reassured the actor, “I am sure you’re going to kill it.”

“Oh, I better.”

Blake grinned as they clapped their hands, ordering the cast and crew to get ready. They would run through the scene one more time before finally shooting it. Roman nodded and walked over to the small black corner that would be the cell where he would be locked up. He clasped his hands behind his back, waiting for one of the prop guys to bind his wrists together with the rusty cuffs the rebels used. Then, he wordlessly walked to the cell and sat down, waiting for Blake to give him some final instructions. They had run through these scenes a lot in the past week, so most of it was just a routine to them by now.

“Okay, Ro, are you ready for the scene?” Blake asked as they approached him, having finished the talk they were having with Byron.

“Well, I was ready five minutes ago, and I am pretty sure I’m still as ready,” the actor responded with a smile.

“Good, good, that’s good,” Blake nodded, running a hand through their shoulder-long, pastel blue hair. “Well, you know the scene, you know what I told you last time. Just keep in mind that you’ve been here for a long time and you don’t know that Felix betrayed you yet, just… do what we rehearsed, and we will see how it plays out. Think you can do that?”

“Well, I don’t know,” Roman shrugged, “I have been doing this for a while now and it’s my job, but I’m not sure if I can do this.”

“You’re hilarious,” Blake deadpanned before turning around, “we will just have to see about that then, won’t we?”

“I guess so,” the actor nodded, shifting a little, so he could be just a little more comfortable during the scene. Byron took his position behind the door and waited for Blakes sign to start the scene.

 

Like they had planned, the pair ran through the scene once before filming it. It took them a few takes before Blake was actually satisfied with the result, but it didn’t take them half as long as Roman would have expected.

“And there we have it!” Blake said, clasping their hands together, a smile plastered onto their face. “Our very first scene.”

Roman cheered softly as the director looked down at the papers in their hands to decide on their next scene.

“Okay, next up… Venitia rescues Roman,” Blake read, “after that come Venitia and Byron, so By, you might want to prepare for that.”

“Did you just call me bi?” Byron asked with a grin, winking at the director. “Because I thought you knew I’m aromantic.”

“Right, forgive me, Aro. You should prepare for your next scene,” the director corrected the much taller man with an eyeroll – though Roman could see the hints of a smile tugging at their lips.

Byron winked at Blake as he ran off, headed to his dressing room to prepare for the next scene. Meanwhile, Venitia approached Roman, who was still sat on the black floor of the set, hands cuffed behind his back.

“Tell me, isn’t that extremely uncomfortable?” she asked as she sat down next to the male.

“Only mildly,” Roman commented. He glanced at Blake, who was looking over some of the footage they shot and discussing a few important points with the crew. “It gets more annoying over time, but I can manage.”

“You sure? You don’t need me to set you free for a bit?”

“Nah, we’re doing that in a few minutes anyways, I can wait.”

“If you say so,” Venitia shrugged, playing with the fabric of the dark blue overall she was wearing. “But don’t say I didn’t offer it.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Vee,” Roman told her with his charming smile. “Don’t worry about that.”

“That’s good,” the actress mused. A comfortable silence fell between the two, only interrupted by Blake’s soft voice instructing the camera crew on their job for the next few scenes. Roman leaned back against the wall, starting to regret refusing Venitia’s offer to uncuff him for a while, as his shoulders started to ache, and it wasn’t exactly comfortable to lean back like this.

In the quiet, Roman’s mind started to wander – as it so often did. He wondered if his manager had responded to his texts already. And how amazing it would be if Virgil could be there with him. Roman loved his job, he really did, but it could be exhausting at times, and draining. Having his boyfriend here on set would make it completely perfect.

“Okay guys, let’s do this!” Blake interrupted the man’s thoughts suddenly, clapping their hands again. “Let’s run the scene one more time and then let’s just fucking _go_ , sound good?”

“Sounds more than good, B,” Venitia said as she got up. “Let’s save this asshole.”

“That’s _mister_ asshole for you, young lady,” Roman remarked, struggling to keep his face neutral.

“Two fucking days!”

“And that is still younger than me. Thus, you are a young lady.” Venitia looked down at Roman and stuck out her tongue as she turned around, taking up her position in the hallway.

Blake rolled their eyes, fighting a smile. By now, they were used to the playful bickering between the two leads. From the moment they met, the two took a liking to each other and it showed in their every interaction.

“Alright you nerds,” they called out, “let’s run this scene one last time.”

 

The rest of the day was spent running over scenes, going through them over and over in an attempt to get the _perfect_ take, and the occasional breaks and banter between cast and crew. By the time Roman stepped out of the studio, dressed in his regular outfit, he was _exhausted_. All of this next week would be equally exhausting, he knew, and he was looking forwards to those days with dread mixed with enthusiasm. He loved his job, but he also knew he wasn’t going to be able to sleep before midnight, and he had to get up at five in the morning again. It wasn’t the first time he had to do with a fairly low amount of sleep, but that didn’t mean he was used to it. Luckily, he did know how to deal with the exhaustion; a knowledge he cherished in times like these.

 

On their way back home, Roman and Mitch shared some conversation, but it was clear that the both of them were tired. They had both had long days and they would rather be in their beds than anywhere else.

While he was sat in the car, Roman checked his phone to see if his manager had responded to his texts, and his heart made a jump when he saw an unread message, rushing to open it.

 

_Hello Roman,_

_I think that it should be fine if you get yourself an assistant. I will be back next Sunday, so if you are free, you could stop by my office so we could discuss this in further detail?_

Roman suppressed a grin as he typed out a response, barely managing to contain his glee. Maybe, this could actually work, he dared to think. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but… if his manager would agree to this… maybe he could actually hire Virgil. He was scared to even think about it at this point, afraid to be faced with disappointment. But at the same time… he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about it. Maybe, just maybe… this could work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going away on a holiday for two weeks in a little less than two weeks, so I might not be able to post anything for a while, but that depends on my wifi, so I will see about that (:


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: depression, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, self-loathing, self-deprecation, panic attack, anxiety
> 
>  
> 
> Note: I was too excited for this, so I wanted to post this before I leave for my holiday :) This was supposed to be a filler chapter, but it evolved into the longest chapter I’ve ever written for any fic ever with way more development and angst than I had imagined. I apologise if Virgil’s backstory causes inconsistencies in the rest of the fic, I literally did not intend for any of this to happen before I started writing. I’m pretty sure I could have split this up in 2 to 3 chapters, but I felt like all of this just had to be together. And besides, it’s something to make up for me not being able to upload while on vacation, I guess

After Virgil ended his shift that day, he walked home from work to take a quick shower. He and Patton had made an agreement to meet up that night, so Patton could start learning his younger friend how to cook. The prospect of meeting his friend was the one thing that pulled Virgil through his horribly long day. Roman was needed at the movie set all day, so he couldn’t stop by the supermarket and he would be busy most of the week. At least they would see each other on New Year’s Eve. That was something else he could hold on to. It wasn’t _much_ of a comfort, but it was something. Virgil dreaded that day, but there was no avoiding it. He hoped that maybe, being with Roman would make it easier. 

When Virgil walked over to his friend’s apartment, his hair still a little damp from the shower he had taken, the man heard a muffled voice on the other side of the door and froze in his tracks, fearing for just a second that there would be someone else in the apartment.

“- think he knows what- yeah, yeah, he’s smart, you know? But I think it’s fine. He needs this. Just let him-”

Soon enough, though, it became clear that there was no one there but Patton. Virgil knocked on the door and Patton stopped for a for a moment.

“Oh, I gotta go,” Virgil heard Patton’s soft voice. “I’ve got a friend coming over and- yeah. I’ll talk to you later. Love you too.”

Not long after that, the door was opened, revealing a beaming Patton.

“Virge, there you are!” the man greeted as he stepped aside, allowing his friend to enter the small apartment. “Do come in!”

“Thank you,” Virgil smiled as he stepped inside. “Did I interrupt anything? Sounded like you were talking to someone.”

“Oh, no that’s fine,” the older man reassured the other. “Just my sister, asking for advice on how to… handle her kid. They’re at the age where they _have_ to disagree with everything their moms say, you know? They’ve been difficult lately, and my sister… she didn’t know what to do about it, so she asked me what to do.”

“You have a sister?” Virgil asked as he followed his friend to the kitchen. “Why did I not know about her until now?”

“Yeah, she moved away a few years ago,” Patton explained as he rummaged through the cabinets, getting all the ingredients he needed for the meal. “She was fired from her job and the only alternative was in the South. She preferred that to a live in the Outskirts, obviously. She said she would have considered going to the Outskirts, though, because she didn’t want to go all the way south on her own. But she was pregnant back then and didn’t want her child to grow up there. So, she went to the South to get a job.”

“Yeah, I can’t blame her,” Virgil said with a nod, instinctively hiding himself in his oversized hoodie. “I can easily say that the year I spent in the Outskirts was the worst in my life. I would want to avoid that as well. Especially with a kid. But… let’s not think about that, what are we making?”

Virgil chewed on his lip as he was reminded of his time on the Outskirts. A time he really, _really_ did not want to be reminded of.

“I decided to go with some pasta again,” Patton responded, luckily going along with Virgil’s sudden change of subject. “It’s not difficult to make, so I thought it would be a good place to start! It’s way more than we can eat, but that’s the point. Which brings us to tip one: it’s cheaper to make enough to last you a few days than to buy food for each day separately. Not every dish is suitable to be heated up multiple times, though, but we can get to that later. You might get sick of it after eating the same meal for three days straight – or gay, whatever you like – but at least you’ve got some food, and that’s better than nothing!”

Virgil nodded as he made a mental note to remember Patton’s tips. Meanwhile, the older man got a pan and filled it up with some water.

“Alright, what do I need to do?” Virgil asked, carefully looking around in Patton’s small kitchen as he waited for the other.

“Well, you can cut one of these two bell peppers,” the man said, placing two red bell peppers on the counter. He then continued to demonstrate how to cut the bell pepper on one of the two peppers, explaining everything he did, stopping every once in a while, to make sure Virgil understood it.

When the duo had finished cutting the peppers, they moved on to the other vegetables they had picked out, and Patton made sure to explain to his friend everything he did and why.

After that, it wasn’t too much work. They just had to cut a few more vegetables, and throw everything together in a pan to make the sauce. Patton made the whole process so easy, and Virgil started to believe that he might be able to get the hang of all of this.

 

“Well, would you look at that,” Patton grinned as they had finished everything they had to do. “We just made a meal!”

“Mostly you, though,” Virgil said.

“Hey now,” the older man said with a small pout, “you shouldn’t discredit yourself like that! You helped too!”

“Yeah, I ‘helped’,” the other male agreed. “You did the cooking.”

“Keep that attitude and I am going to fight you.”

“Please fight me, I’d love to be fought.”

“ _Kiddo_.” Virgil grinned at Patton’s whine and carefully nudged his friend. Patton protested with a high squeak that made Virgil laugh softly.

“You know I’m only kidding,” he told the other. “Kind of.”

“Virge,” Patton warned, fighting to hide his growing smile. “I _will_ fight you, I swear.”

“And I will be looking forwards to the day that you finally will.”

Patton grumbled something under his breath as he got two plates out of the cupboard. Virgil chuckled and bit his lower lip. He took the plate Patton held out to him and got himself some of the pasta they had made.

“That’s all you’re having, kiddo?” Patton asked, looking at the small amount of food Virgil had gotten. “There’s more than enough for the both of us.”

“I know,” Virgil nodded, already moving out of the kitchen. “I just… don’t eat too much. Don’t worry, I can manage.”

“Well, if you say so,” Patton replied, still concerned about his friend. “But just letting you know that you can take anything you want.”

“Thanks,” the younger man said with a smile. He walked out of the small kitchen, to the living room. Patton followed him in silence and sat down on the couch. He turned on the television to watch the obligatory news while the two had their dinner.

Despite having much less food than Patton, Virgil took way longer to finish. He took small bites, pushed his food around with his fork, took more than enough time between multiple bites. His food had nearly gotten cold when he finally finished. Virgil told himself that he took this long because he wasn’t used to having big meals like this, but he knew there was more to it than that.

Patton worriedly watched Virgil, making sure the other did actually eat. A few times, Virgil caught his eyes and shot him a reassuring smile as he took a slightly bigger bite, to show his friend that he was, in fact, eating.

When Virgil had finished, the two of them sat in a comfortable silence for a while. The television had been turned off, leaving Virgil with only a soft but ever-present ringing in his ears.

 

“Hey Virge,” Patton said after a short while. “I was wondering… have you ever heard of this thing called a- a queerplatonic relationship?”

“The word is familiar,” the younger man replied as he placed his plate on the coffee table, “but I don’t really know what it is. Why?”

“Well, you see… a queerplatonic relationship is a- a sort of relationship,” Patton explained, “but there is no romantic attraction involved. It’s just platonic. It’s not just a friendship, it’s more intimate than that, and it’s not quite a relationship either – it can also coexist with any romantic relationship, generally.” He sent Virgil a meaningful look the cameras could not catch. “It’s both, neither, and something completely different, if that makes sense?”

“I… yeah,” Virgil nodded, repeating the words in his mind. “Yeah, it does.”  

“Ah great!” Patton smiled. “Because I was thinking… maybe you would want to be a queerplatonic relationship with me? I mean- it’s fine if you don’t, I understand that, I just really, _really_ love you and care about you and I thought that maybe-”

“Pat, calm down,” Virgil interrupted his friend’s rambling with a smile. He carefully reached over to take one of Patton’s hands in his, and he didn’t have to give his answer a second thought; he knew what he would say before Patton had even asked the question. “I would honestly love that.”

“You would?” the older man asked, his entire face lighting up as he heard this. He leaned forwards a bit, but changed his mind suddenly. “Can I… hug you?”

“Of course!” Virgil had barely finished his response as Patton threw himself at him with a soft squeal.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, not letting go of his now-queerplatonic partner. “I’m just excited.”

“I can see that,” Virgil laughed, rubbing Patton’s back. “It’s cute.”

“No, _you_ are cute,” Patton countered, “very cute, even.”

Virgil grinned as he closed his eyes, cherishing the moment between the two of them. It felt so comfortable, and even though this wasn’t the first time that the two of them had hugged, this specific hug felt… _different._

“Hey, Virge,” Patton asked softly, “I have another question. How do you… how do you feel about physical affection? Like… is it okay if I kiss your cheek, or forehead _\- oh_ or your nose?”

“To be fair Pat,” the younger man replied softly, “I love that.”

“Good,” Patton said, pulling away a little so he could press a kiss to Virgil cheek. “Cause so do I.”

 

The two men stayed together for a few more hours, just talking and enjoying each other’s company. It felt good. Not forced, just… comfortable. Virgil had always loved Patton. The two of them had been close from the moment they met; there had just been this… this instant connection between the two. But now that they had this name to identify their relationship with, it was as if everything felt more natural to them. As if Virgil now felt more comfortable with resting his head on Patton’s shoulder, about leaning in just that last bit, so their shoulders touched. It felt right. It was as if, now that they had a label, it was more natural to display this kind of affection. It was easier.

 

“Pat, I should go, I think,” Virgil announced after a while. He glanced at the clock, noticing it was nearly midnight. It was not too late – he had gone to bed much later, of course – but he wanted to give off at least an illusion that he had a healthy sleeping schedule. “Gotta get up early tomorrow.”

“Oh, yeah, of course,” Patton nodded, looking at the clock himself. “Oh my goodness, is that the time? I should go to sleep too!”

Virgil chuckled as he got up, reluctant to leave the company of Patton. He knew Patton was just across the hallway, but having to leave… he just hated that. He just didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want to go back to the cold of his apartment, he didn’t want to leave Patton. He didn’t want this good, happy feeling to leave.

“You should,” Virgil nodded as he walked to the door, Patton following him. “Is there a chance we can meet tomorrow?”

“We could have dinner again tomorrow?” the older man suggested. “Oh! We can make it our thing? I suggest we meet up for dinner at least once a week?”

“We can do more than that,” Virgil replied. “Easily. How about a minimum of… three?”

“That is exactly three times better than my original plan!”

“That’s why I proposed it.”

“You’re so smart, you.” Virgil grinned at Patton’s comment and looked down, not sure exactly _how_ to respond. “But it’s time for you to go to sleep now.”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry,” Virgil said, rolling his eyes with a smile. “But you better go to sleep too.”

“I sure will,” Patton promised, carefully kissing Virgil’s forehead. “Good night, sweetheart- you _are_ okay with nicknames, aren’t you?”

“Sure am,” the youngest male reassured his partner, as he leaned into his touch ever so slightly. “Good night. Can I stop by at the same time tomorrow?”

“I will be looking forwards to your arrival.” Patton leaned against the wall, looking at Virgil with a smile as the other opened the door.

“Great,” Virgil said, “I will see you tomorrow, then. Sleep well, Pat!”

“You too, Virge,” Patton nodded as Virgil stepped out into the hallway. “Sleep well.”

 

The three days after that, passed by in a blur. After their second dinner together, Patton and Virgil were unable to meet up again. With the end of the year approaching, the stores were busier than ever and the two both had a bunch of long shifts, and their schedules were incompatible. The next day the two could meet, was on the last day of the year. Virgil was free, and he had arranged to meet Roman late in the afternoon – way earlier than they were used to, and dangerous, but their only option. Anything later would be too suspicious. They would make sure they were home in time for the news, and the rest of the evening would be spent with Patton.

Virgil was glad he was able to spend the day with someone, as he absolutely hated the sound of fireworks. They were loud and sudden, and so threatening. He had never liked fireworks, and tried everything in his power to avoid them as well as he could. And every year, this turned out to be a challenge.

 

When the man woke up that morning, there was nothing he would rather do than just… go back to sleep. He immediately remembered what day it was and groaned as he rolled over, hiding his head underneath the blankets. His room was awfully cold, and it only helped him remember one of the memories he desperately wanted to repress. He squeezed his eyes shut, wishing he could just go back to sleep and forget all about this day. In fact, if he hadn’t agreed to meet up with both Roman and Patton today, that was probably what he would do. He would give anything to just be able to lay in his bed all day and not worry about a thing, but unfortunately, that was not how things worked around here.

Virgil was glad that today was one of his days off – he had requested this, knowing this day wasn’t going to be easy on him. If he had to add the stress of work to that, he would have at least one breakdown. And to be fair, he wouldn’t be surprised if that turned into multiple breakdowns. He couldn’t use that today.

 

In the distance, Virgil heard vague bangs of fireworks being set off, and Virgil was bitterly reminded that one New Year’s Eve he spent in the Outskirts. He had nowhere to go; he had been there for just a few weeks. He didn’t know anyone to help him, he didn’t know anyone in general, and the help centre refused to help him that evening. They told him that he was young, that he was fit to take care of himself. They didn’t even _listen_ to his protests. So, he had to spend that night outside – like every night before that. Only now, his night was filled with the torturous bangs of fireworks going off. While everyone seemed to be having fun, he did his best to find a quiet place, closed off, where he could break down in peace, without anyone bothering him.

Finally, when he had found that there was no place in the town that could shield him from prying eyes, he fled to the forest. No matter what he did, nothing could drown out the sound of the fireworks, but at least he was alone. A few people had come to the fields, to enjoy the fireworks in peace, away from the busy streets, but none of them went into the forest. This gave Virgil the chance to run deep into the dark woods, not even looking where he went. But he didn’t care about that. He could try to find his way back into the town later, after the fireworks were over. And maybe, if he got lost in the woods, if he died there… maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it was for the best if he did. And maybe, Virgil thought with a bitter sting in his heart, maybe, if there was some kind of fate out there, if there was some higher power in charge of all this misery, maybe they would let him die.

Virgil didn’t know how long he sat there, in the dark forest, with his hands covering his ears in a pathetic attempt to drown out the loud noises. He tried to focus on his shallow breathing, tried to tell himself that he was going to be okay, that nothing would hurt him. But he had trouble believing his own words. He couldn’t convince himself that he was okay. He hadn’t been okay in a while now, and he was well aware of this, despite the lies he tried to tell himself.

 

When the fireworks finally died down, Virgil found it became easier to breathe again. The stinging pain in his chest was slowly reduced to just a dull ache. Annoying, but manageable. His head hurt and everything was spinning and moving and it made him sick, but he was alive. 

 

He wasn’t sure if he was happy to find out.  

 

When Virgil felt like he had stopped shaking enough for him to actually stand up again, he got up, determined to find his way out of this forest. But it didn’t take long for him to stop and lean against a tree, overthinking his actions. Would it really be so bad if he stayed here? Would it really be so horrible to die? Because, let’s be real, if he died, what would he leave behind? Two parents who hardly cared about him? A little corner in a crowded street where he often sat, hoping that someone would be generous enough to give him something? No. His parents had likely already forgotten about him, and his corner would be occupied within a day after he disappeared. There was no one who would miss him. And on the other hand, he would leave behind all of his fucking misery. No more wondering if he’d get something to eat that day. No more searching for a place to sleep, no more freezing cold. No empty feeling, no pain, no sleep that left him sore, uncomfortable and hardly rested. No more thinking. No more. Would that really be so bad?

He was malnourished, probably dehydrated. At the end of the day, he would be exhausted. And if he was lucky, at the end of the next, he would be no more. It was tempting.

It was so tempting to stay here. It was pretty. The trees had shed all of their leaves, leaving just bare branches that exposed the sky. Right now, it was a dark purplish blue, a few stars twinkling in the darkness. It was strangely calming to know that they were looking down on him. They were in a place, far away from this pain and suffering. Virgil would give anything to be where they are. Far away. Anywhere but here.

In the morning, the sky would colour an icy colour of blue. A shade that Virgil loved. It was harsh, but at the same time, so calming. It was comforting. It put everything in a cold, harsh light, but it wasn’t ugly, or off-putting. Virgil loved it, and he preferred it over the clear, warm skies of summer. It was nice. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad here.

 

Virgil sat down, resting his back against a big tree trunk. A small branch poked into his side, but he didn’t care. If he was really doing this, comfort would be the least of his concerns.

He couldn’t believe that he was doing this. Was he actually doing this? Was he actually going through with this? Was he really going to put an end to his life because of some stupid fucking fireworks? Because of his stupid irrational fears? People were dying out there, trying to feed their families, and he couldn’t get over some fucking noise? Well, that was just really fucking pathetic, wasn’t it? Weak, exactly like him. It fit him.

But… it wasn’t just this, was it? It was the fact that he couldn’t see his life going anywhere. The fact that he was so incompetent that he had ended up on the poorest part of town, unable to find his way even there. The fact that he had no one to talk to, the fact that he hated himself so much, the fact that he was so pathetic and the fact that his stupid fucking anxiety had to make his life more difficult at the worst of fucking times. He was so done with this and he didn’t want to deal with this stupid fucking hell-world anymore. It clearly didn’t care about him, so why should _he_ care about himself? He was better off dead, and he knew it.

 

For a while, Virgil sat there. He wasn’t sure exactly how long he sat there, in a silence that was incidentally interrupted by a lone bang of a belated firework going off, the soft snap of a branch, or the growling of his stomach. But he knew that he grew more and more tired, exhausted – and not just the tired kind. He was tired of this. Tired of living. Tired of all the effort his body took in an attempt to keep him alive.

Slowly but surely, the darkness disappeared, and the sun appeared on the horizon, expelling the night. Virgil’s body was numb, frozen by the cold air outside. But he didn’t mind. It was fine. After this, he wouldn’t have to deal with a single thing anymore. That would be his last problem. And in a strange and twisted way, this was a reassurance to him.

 

But after a while, there was a vague feeling, like a weak hope burning in his stomach. He didn’t know where it came from, but suddenly, it was there. It was a voice that pushed him to get up. To leave the forest and go back into the town.

_But why_? He countered. There was nothing there for him. He had nothing. He had no one. Where was his reason to live? He had no one, no prospect of a good life. Nothing to keep him going.

But the burning fire remained. It kept pushing him. Kept telling him to go back. And finally, he gave in. He walked out of the forest, his entire body shaking, his mouth and throat dry and he noticed the sun was about to set. He had no idea that it had been so long. He needed to eat something, and drink something.

He didn’t know where this sudden urge came from. Maybe fate had changed its mind about ending the teenager’s life here? Maybe it was the tiny bit of hope that the world hadn’t managed to kill yet. Maybe it managed to reach him, now that all other thoughts had been numbed, blocked out by the cold and loss of energy.

All Virgil knew, was that he was grateful for that tiny speck of hope. Because if he had ended his life then and there, if he had stayed in the woods, he wouldn’t have met Ellen, or Daya, Roman or Patton. He wouldn’t have found those amazing people that made life a little better. It hurt him to think back of those moments in the Outskirts. It hurt because he knew he still struggled with the same issues. He could barely take care of himself, he didn’t have a purpose, he didn’t have anything to look forwards to. Roman was the only one worth living for, and his presence could not be constant. Not as constant as Virgil would want it to be, at least. But he had Daya, and he had Patton. At least he could be seen with them whenever he pleased. And yes, sometimes, he still felt as alone as he did back then. He still felt as hopeless, as worthless and pathetic, as desperate as back then. But he wasn’t alone anymore, no matter what his gut told him. And he was getting better. At least, that was what he thought. He didn’t feel as horrible as he did back then, though. That was something, at least.  

 

This whole… _incident_ didn’t exactly help with his obvious _love_ for New Year’s Eve. Every year, he was reminded of that low point in his life. It wasn’t the only low moment he had experienced, but it was the first. And there was something about this fact that made remembering it even worse. It was nearly embarrassing to think back on it. There was something about the fact that he was so desperate that he would rather starve himself in a freezing cold forest than go back into the town that was so painful to remember. He hated himself for it, but he was reminded of it every single year, without fail. No one knew about this moment. He hadn’t even told Ellen about it, and she knew early everything there was to know about him. He just couldn’t get himself to confess to this, even though it wasn’t less pathetic or weak than his other attempts. It just hurt too much.

 

With a soft whimper, Virgil pressed his face into his pillow, wishing he could just forget about that moment. He usually did a good job forgetting about it – he usually did a good job pretending that whole year in the Outskirts never happened in general – but it always seemed to become harder around New Year’s Eve. Even just the thought of the day approaching could trigger the memories sometimes. And he hated it, he wished he could stop it, that he could just erase the memories. But he couldn’t. They were a part of who he was, and it was now inextricably linked to his person, his identity. It was just another battle he had fought, and won – unfortunately. Erasing it would be erasing a part of himself, no matter how much Virgil hated it. It was a part of him now.

 

Even though he couldn’t fall asleep anymore, Virgil stayed in bed for hours. He had agreed to meet Roman at three o’clock in the afternoon, so he had all morning to wallow in self-pity and mope about how unfair his life was. That seemed to be the only thing he was good at, anyways.

When the man checked his phone, he discovered it was approaching one o’clock already. He had to get out of bed soon if he wanted to be in time to meet Roman. In all honesty, he was reluctant to get up, but Roman would get worried if he didn’t show up to their meeting. And besides, he didn’t want to miss out on a meeting with his boyfriend. Maybe this is what he needed to distract himself from this shitty day.

With difficulty, Virgil managed to drag himself out of bed, more than thirty minutes after he had told himself he would, and he plodded to his kitchen. He got himself a glass of water, but realised that he actually wasn’t that hungry yet. Breakfast could wait. He didn’t really feel like eating anyways.

 

Virgil sat down on one of his chairs, taking a few small sips of the water. He had carried his blanket out of his bedroom; for now, he could not bear the cold. It was too much at this moment. He placed his glass on the table and buried his face in the soft fabric of the blanket. An all-too-familiar pain in his chest kept him from zoning out completely, still leaving some sort of feeling in his body, reminding him of the fact that he was still there, even if he didn’t feel like he was.

A few times, Virgil felt tempted to get up and cross the hall, knock on Patton’s door, just to have some company. But he didn’t want to bother the other man. He wasn’t great to be around in this current state, and he didn’t even know if Patton would be home – or if he even wanted to see him. So instead, he just kept to himself.

 

It seemed to take ages before he had finally finished his water, but Virgil noted with a strange sense of pride that he had at least finished it. At least he kind of knew how to take care of himself. He wasn’t a _total_ mess, it would seem.

When he had finished his drink, Virgil got up and got dressed. He didn’t feel like taking a shower, so he splashed some water in his face and called it a day. He probably smelled, Virgil noted, but at the moment, he couldn’t particularly care about that. That would be a worry for future-Virgil. He put on his coat and he was just about to leave, but he knew that Roman would absolutely kill him if he were to find out that Virgil hadn’t eaten a single thing that day. So, to avoid worrying his boyfriend, Virgil went back to his kitchen to get a pear before finally heading out.

 

When he got outside, Virgil turned up the volume of his music a little louder than usually, to drown out the loud bangs of fireworks. Looking down at the ground, Virgil didn’t see a lot of his environment. And although this was his exact intention, it wasn’t exactly… _smart_. On one occasion, he nearly walked into a pole – he was lucky he looked up just he actually walked into it. He even walked into a building once because he was too busy staring at his feet and too occupied by his own thoughts. It was just a soft collision, though. He was totally fine after that.

Virgil was relieved when he reached the fields outside of town, glad to be away from the busy streets, but at the same time, he saw the forest looming in the distance, and he felt a pit growing in his stomach. He really hadn’t thought this whole thing through when he had arranged the meeting with Roman, had he? He had only thought about meeting his boyfriend, and he was so focussed on this that he had forgotten about the day on which they would meet.

That was a strange thing about it. Usually, he was fine with being in the forest. At times, he even loved it. It was a safe space. A place where he knew the State couldn’t get to him. But the closer it got to New Year’s Eve, the more difficult it got to be around it. This year, it hadn’t been that bad – only because he hadn’t neared the woods since his previous meeting with Roman. But he hoped that things would be okay – as long as he was with Roman. If he was here with his boyfriend, maybe he would have the strength to face the woods.

Virgil was relieved to see that Roman was already there when he arrived. At least he wouldn’t have to sit here alone, waiting for his boyfriend to show up. That was something.

 

As soon as Virgil approached, Roman saw something was bothering him – he knew his partner well enough.

“Hey honey,” the man smiled as he got up, “what’s bothering you, babe?”

He immediately wrapped his arms around Virgil, holding him in a protective hug.

“Stupid anxiety being a pain,” Virgil mumbled, not ready to open up to Roman about the real reason he felt like shit today. He would have to tell him eventually, but he wasn’t ready yet. Maybe next year. “Don’t like fireworks either.”

“I’m sorry, my love,” Roman said softly, kissing the top of Virgil’s head. “I am here with you, okay? I will protect you. You are safe with me.”

Virgil smiled up at his boyfriend. He truly was the best man to ever walk the earth. How did Virgil deserve this man again?

“I know,” Virgil mumbled, burying his face in the fabric of Roman’s coat. “Thank you.”

“It’s nothing, Virge. I’ll always protect you.” Roman wrapped one of his arms around Virgil’s waist, and the younger man had barely registered this, when Roman lifted him bridal stile. He let out a surprised yelp as Roman sat down, allowing Virgil to sit in his lap.

“That was the most adorable sound I have ever heard,” Roman beamed as he looked down at his partner. He carefully kissed Virgil’s nose and smiled. “You are adorable.”

“Noo,” the younger male protested softly. He could already feel some of the tension being lifted off his shoulders and he loved Roman for it. Even without doing anything, he never failed to help Virgil.

“You totally are, don’t fight me because I _will_ win.” You could practically _hear_ the smile in Roman’s voice, and it was one of the most beautiful sounds. “Anyways, to get to the point quickly: I have some news that might make you feel a little better?”

“I’m listening,” Virgil said softly, resting his head on Roman’s shoulder. One of his boyfriend’s arms was wrapped securely around his waist, the other was playing with his hair; a gesture that Virgil very much enjoyed. He usually wasn’t too fond of it, but with Roman, it was just… it was _right._

“Great,” Roman smiled excitedly. “Before I tell you, though: it hasn’t been confirmed yet, I am meeting with my manager in a few days for the details. But, I am pretty sure I might be able to get an assistant. And I happen to know _someone_ who’s Determined to be a secretary, which happens to be pretty close to assistant.”

“You think I could get that job?” Virgil questioned, looking up at his boyfriend with a raised eyebrow. When he nodded, his eyes lit up and a smile spread on his face, his anxiety momentarily forgotten. “No way, are you serious?”

“Very serious,” Roman promised. “I will meet with my manager soon to discuss this, but if I can manage this, I will do everything in my power to hire you.”

“That would be amazing,” Virgil said with a smile. He didn’t want to get his hopes up – after all, Roman said that it wasn’t fully confirmed yet – but God, that would be amazing! If he could work for Roman, if their society would allow it, he could see Roman nearly every day. He could be around his boyfriend all day, without drawing attention to themselves. And on top of that, it would be his chance to get out of his lousy job at Harvey’s. Working for his boyfriend had to be better than anything else he could possibly get out of this life. He knew he was going to die, he knew the State would arrest him one day. Might as well spend as much time with his boyfriend as possible.

“I know,” Roman smiled as he cupped one of Virgil’s cheeks, softly kissing his forehead. “That’s why I’m doing it.”

“I love you,” Virgil mumbled, closing his eyes. The other man then wrapped his two arms around Virgil, holding him just a little tighter, in a tight but comfortable embrace. Virgil always felt so safe in Roman’s arms like this. When Roman held him this close, he couldn’t help but feel secure, protected from the world. It was as if nothing could harm him if he was here, in Roman’s arms. As if not even the State could harm them. It was the only time he really felt like this. And while it was the best feeling in the world, he just wished this could last. It was nearly an addictive feeling, something he could never get enough of. And every time he left it behind, it hurt. In the beginning, Virgil had thought that he would get used to this way of meeting, only seeing the love of his life once every few days – if he was lucky. He thought it would get easier as time passed. That it would become normal. But, Virgil realised, in reality, it was the other way around. The longer he knew Roman, the more he wanted to be around the other, the more difficult it became to see him so sporadically. Because as time progressed, Virgil realised that Roman was the love of his life. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, and this way of living, this system of meeting would not suffice anymore. Virgil wanted to live with Roman, even though he knew it was impossible. But somewhere, Virgil just knew that he and Roman were meant to be. The other seemed to know exactly what he needed, without exchanging a single word. Even now, he knew exactly what to do, and Virgil hadn’t even told him anything.

“I love you too, baby,” Roman whispered, softly pressing his lips to Virgil’s temple. “I love you more than you could imagine.”

Virgil smiled and snuggled a little closer to his boyfriend, savouring the comfort their embrace provided him with.

“How did you eat today?” Roman asked after a brief silence between the two.

“I had a pear,” Virgil muttered softly, “and some water.”

“ _Virge_ ,” the actor scolded, though his voice was still warm as ever. Virgil smiled a little, once again remembering how lucky he was to have Roman in his life. The man was so kind, and caring, and sweet, and just _amazing_. Virgil really wasn’t sure how he would be doing if he hadn’t met Roman. Part of him believed he wouldn’t even be alive if he had never met him.

“Wasn’t hungry,” Virgil defended himself, “and I got up after 1 PM, so… not much time to eat.”

“You do need to eat, though,” Roman said, pressing another kiss to Virgil’s temple. “You should take care of yourself, darling.”

“I’m doing the best I can here, babe.”

“And you’re doing great,” Roman nodded. “But can you at least try to eat something else when you get home?”

“I’ll try.”

“Good,” the older man replied, holding Virgil just a little closer. Virgil just wished it could always be like this. He never wanted to leave Roman. “I’m so proud of you, my dear.”

“Thank you,” Virgil said softly. “For being here for me.”

“No problem, Virge,” Roman responded, his hands rubbing consoling patterns on Virgil’s back. “Anything for you.”

 

After a while, the two were forced to separate. As Roman announced this, Virgil held on to his boyfriend just a little tighter. They had spent an hour or two together in the cold fields, but it hadn’t been nearly enough. Virgil didn’t want to be alone again. He wanted to be with his boyfriend forever.

“Virge, baby, I know you don’t want to leave,” Roman whispered in Virgil’s ear. “But you’re gonna have to, sweetheart. You know we can’t stay here forever.”

“I know,” Virgil whined, flinching as another firework went off. “But I don’t wanna go.”

“I know, baby, I know,” the older man told his partner, his voice so soft and warm and soothing. He slowly released Virgil from his grip, now placing his hands on the other’s shoulders. “But I will see you again in five days, okay? And then we can be together for a longer time.”

He leaned forwards to softly kiss Virgil’s forehead. He lingered just a little longer than necessary and looked down at his younger partner. One of his hands reached up to cup Virgil’s cheek and the latter leaned into the touch. God, he just loved this so, so much.

“I know,” he sighed, “but I just… I want to be with you _today_. I need you. Today is just… rough. And I need you here with me, babe.”

“I’m sorry, my love,” Roman said, his voice full of concern and apology. “I wish I could be here with you. But you said you would meet up with Patton, right?” Virgil nodded. “Well, then you won’t be alone, at least.”

“I mean, I guess,” Virgil shrugged. He leaned his head against Roman’s shoulder. Yes, he loved Patton, but he wanted to be with _Roman_ when the clocks hid midnight. He wanted to kiss Roman at the beginning of the new year and to be able to hide in his boyfriend’s embrace when the fireworks started. Patton was amazing, he was truly fantastic, but as amazing as he was, he never felt as protective as Roman. Where Roman’s hugs were safe, confident and strong, Patton’s hugs were loving and consoling. Virgil loved Patton, but it was different.

“And I know you’re going to be okay,” the older of the two continued. “You are strong, Virge. Stronger than you think you are. You’ve been through so much already, and you’ve survived everything. You are incredible.”

Virgil pulled away to shoot Roman a watery smile. He could feel the tears burning in his eyes. ( _Why was he crying at this? How ridiculous. Why was he crying, WHY WAS HE CRYING?)_

“Thank you,” he whispered softly, his voice heavy with emotions. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, my sunrise,” Roman smiled. “And as much as I hate to say it, we’re gonna have to go soon. I see people approaching.”

He glanced at something behind Virgil, who nodded, without looking back.

“Fine,” he said reluctantly, “I- I will go first. You wait a bit before following, okay?”

“Sure thing, babe,” Roman nodded. “Stay strong tonight, okay? I believe in you, my love.”

“Thanks,” Virgil mumbled. He kissed Roman two more times before he got up. “I will miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too,” the actor replied, brushing Virgil’s hands with his before the younger man turned around. He wiped away the tears that rolled down his cheeks and quickly made his way back into the town. As he walked away, he didn’t look back, no matter how much he wanted to. In the distance, he could indeed see a couple of people approaching, laughing about something their friend had said. Virgil would give anything to have a group of friends like that, he thought with a stinging realisation.

 

When Virgil entered his apartment building, he was overcome with a pleasant warmth that he had missed in the outside and he dreaded to go back to his own apartment. He knew that it would be as cold as the outside there. He knew he only had to be there for a short time, before he left for Patton’s apartment, but that didn’t make this any better.

But he still did it. He couldn’t exactly sit out here until he had arranged to meet with Patton. Of course, he could try to come and visit a little earlier, but he didn’t know if his partner would be okay with that. So he opened his door and stepped inside his freezing apartment. The promise he had made to Roman burned in the back of his head, but he pushed it aside. He would eat later, at Patton’s place. Right now, all he wanted was to head back into the comfortable cocoon of his bed.

And so, he did. 

He had an hour to spare, to Virgil set an alarm to make sure he would be on time, and then flopped onto his bed, his coat still on.

 

His hour of rest wasn’t much helpful. In fact, it was as if Virgil felt even more exhausted when the loud beeping of his alarm clock interrupted him. But at least, he had managed to sleep away yet another hour of his life. That was something.

Virgil reluctantly took off his coat, feeling so much worse than before. He didn’t want to get out. He didn’t want to deal with the world. But he knew he couldn’t let Patton wait for him. He would get worried. If only there was a way to deal with this stupid day without feeling like total crap.

 

Finally, Virgil managed to get himself to cross the hallway to knock on Patton’s door. It didn’t take long for the older man to open the door.

“Virge, there you are!” he grinned immediately. Virgil winced slightly at the volume. Patton immediately noticed this. “Oh, I’m sorry, I should watch my volume. Are you okay, Virge? You look tense.”

“Just a… a difficult day today,” Virgil replied as he stepped inside the small apartment. “It’s a long story.”

“Aw, I’m sorry, kiddo,” Patton said empathetically. He softly closed the door and made his way towards the kitchen. “Is there anything I can do to help you?”

“Don’t know,” the younger man shrugged. “Just… be there? No idea.”

“Well, I can do that!” Patton smiled. “Do you want to help with making dinner, sweetheart?”

“Is it okay if I sit this one out?” Virgil asked, carefully looking up at his partner. “I don’t… I don’t know, I don’t think I’m really… fit to help right now, I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, darling,” Patton reassured Virgil, placing a careful hand on his shoulder. “You just sit down in the living room and let me do the cooking, okay? Make yourself at home.”

“You sure?”

“Very sure.” 

Virgil nodded and he continued to the living room, falling down on the couch. He really, _really_ didn’t want to do anything. He just wanted to lie down, and not worry about a thing. He didn’t want to feel anything or think about anything. He didn’t want anything in general.

Patton hummed as he started cooking and Virgil groaned softly as the scent of food hit his nostrils. It smelled delicious, but at the same time, he could hardly stand it. The man sighed and rested his head on one of the pillows on Patton’s couch. He was exhausted, but didn’t feel like sleeping. In fact, he didn’t feel like doing anything at the moment. He hadn’t felt this bad for _years_ , and to be fair, he had no idea why. He had a truly incredible boyfriend – secret, but there – he had a queerplatonic partner who he loved, he had a few great friends. He had no reason to feel like this, why did he feel like this?

 

“Virge, if you want, dinner’s ready,” Patton called. He walked out of the kitchen and looked at his partner’s figure on the couch. “Are you okay, honey?”

“Not really,” Virgil answered, so softly that Patton could hardly understand his answer. Virgil slowly got up and walked towards the kitchen. “But all of today sucks, so…” he ended his response with a shrug and entered the kitchen.

“I’m sorry, Virge,” Patton said sympathetically, kissing Virgil’s cheek. “But I’m here with you, okay?”

Virgil nodded and looked at what Patton had made them – some dish with rice. His stomach twisted a little at the sight of the food. Not because it seemed disgusting, but because the thought of food did not appeal to him at all. But he had promised Roman he would eat something, or at least try to. So, while he wasn’t hungry at all, he got himself just a little bit of food. It was just a tiny little bit, but it was something. After all, he hadn’t promised Roman he would have a full, proper meal.

“Is that all you’re having?” Patton asked as he got himself something.

Virgil nodded. “Not that hungry.”

The older man glanced at his partner for a few moments, but when he found nothing to counter, he just nodded.

“Alright,” he said, “do take care of yourself, though, kiddo.”

“I am,” Virgil reassured the other as he started the head back to the living room. “At least I _am_ eating.”

 

Even though the meal Virgil had gotten himself was exceptionally tiny, he still struggled to finish it. He took a lot of small bites, taking a lot of time to chew the food, taking long moments between two bites. The food wasn’t bad at all, but he couldn’t find it in himself to actually enjoy it. Patton seemed to notice this, and Virgil noticed the worried looks the other shot him, but he didn’t respond.

 

There was something on tv, and Virgil heard Patton trying to talk to him, but he could not respond. He could not enjoy this. All he could think about, was the time.

Fifteen minutes until midnight.

Fourteen minutes until midnight.

Thirteen, twelve, eleven, _ten_ minutes until midnight.

He couldn’t stop staring. Time crawled by, and with every passing second, Virgil felt himself grow more and more tense. With every passing second, midnight drew just a little closer. And with every passing second, Virgil got more anxious.

Four minutes until midnight. Patton carefully wrapped an arm around Virgil’s shoulders.

Two minutes until midnight. Virgil covered his ears and leaned into Patton, nearly having a panic attack just thinking about the panic attack he’s about to have.

One minute until midnight. Virgil closed his eyes and waited, holding his breath. He vaguely heard a countdown on tv and he was aware of Patton’s soothing voice. What was he saying? Virgil couldn’t hear.

 

_Midnight._

 

Virgil flinched as the fireworks started. Slowly at first, but more frequent and louder as time progressed. He tried to make himself as small as possible, as if he could hide from the noise outside. Five years ago. Exactly five years ago. It had been five years, and where was he? Crying on a couch because he got some unpleasant memories? Well, if that wasn’t fucking pathetic.

After a while, Virgil decided he would rather have a sense of comfort than futilely protect himself from the noise outside, and he wrapped his arms around Patton. Pretty much immediately, he felt the other man reciprocating the hug. However, the man was so wrapped up in his own mind, panicking so much, that he didn’t register anything other than Patton’s touch.

All Virgil could think about, was that one moment five years ago. How much he hated himself for letting it get that far. How much he hated himself for thinking that he would do it again in a heartbeat. And for real this time. No backing out. It had been five years and he still hadn’t gotten any better. If that wasn’t the saddest thing he had ever heard, he didn’t know what _was_. 

At first, it only got worse. The thoughts kept plaguing Virgil and they kept coming back, getting worse and worse and only worse. Patton never left Virgil’s side, he never stopped whispered soft words to his partner, never stopped being there. Even if it took ages before Virgil finally calmed down a tiny bit, he was still there. He was helping Virgil, talking to him, helping him steady his breath. Even if he had to repeat it a million times. He never stopped. And Virgil couldn’t be more thankful for that.

 

When Virgil finally had calmed down, he quickly glanced at the clock, only to realise that this panic attack had taken him a little less than an hour. It was nearly one o’clock.

He rested his head on Patton’s shoulder. His breathing wasn’t as rapid anymore, but it was still shallow and not yet back to normal. His head hurt and everything was spinning and moving and it made him sick, but he was alive. He was with Patton.

“You’re doing great, Virge,” Patton told the younger man softly, before softly kissing the top of his head. “I’m going to get you some water, okay? I’ll be right back.”

Virgil nodded weakly and sat up. As soon as Patton left, he already missed his support. Patton wasn’t gone for long, but it felt like too long for Virgil. He couldn’t stand to be alone – yet at the same time, he would rather be alone. What would Patton be thinking of him? Surely, he must hate Virgil, right? Or at least think of him as some pitiful, weak being. No one in their right mind would have a breakdown this big. And God, he must look _ridiculous_ by now. Red eyes, red face, tearstreaked and blotched.

But when Patton came back, he didn’t show any of that. He had gotten the biggest mug he could find and filled it with water. Virgil took the mug with his shaking hands and carefully took a few small sips. It was good to get something in his system again. In the distance, he still heard a few fireworks, but it had gotten much less.

“Are you okay, kiddo?” Virgil shook his head. He didn’t have the energy to lie. “Do you want to talk about it?” Again, Virgil shook his head. “That’s fine, Virge. You don’t have to. But I’m here, if you need me.”

Virgil smiled at Patton and nodded slightly. The fact that Patton was still by his side, meant so much to him. He was glad Patton was here with him.

 

They sat in silence as Virgil slowly finished his drink. Even though they didn’t talk, it wasn’t uncomfortable or awkward. Actually, Virgil really enjoyed the silence. It gave him the opportunity to calm down, and knowing that Patton was by his side, was a great support.

“Do you need anything, Virge?” Patton asked after a while. He had taken one of Virgil’s hands in his own, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of it. Virgil had looked at the gentle, steady movement, drowning out any outside noise as he worked on fully calming down. His chest was still heavy and an unpleasant feeling remained in his stomach and the back of his head, but he was slowly improving. At the sound of Patton’s voice snapped him out of his. He whipped his head up and looked at his partner, mulling over his words.

“No,” the young man eventually responded. He turned his head to look at the time. It was well past 2 AM. “I… I think I should just… just go home soon, any- anyways.”

“Are you sure?” Patton questioned carefully. “You can stay here for the night, if you want?”

“No thanks,” Virgil said softly. “I ap- appreciate it, but I don’t… want to bother you. It’s fine.”

“You won’t bother me, though!” Patton protested, making sure not to raise his voice too much.

“It’s okay, Pat,” the anxious male told the other. “I think I… I might pre- prefer to be alone, actually. Sorry.”

“No need to apologise, Virge,” Patton reassured his partner. “If you want to be alone, that’s fine. But take care of yourself, okay?”

“Of course,” Virgil nodded. “Thank you… for tonight, though.”

The man carefully kissed Patton’s cheek and made his way towards the door. He didn’t want to leave, but at the same time, he couldn’t wait to be alone. He was drained, and exhausted. Today – or yesterday, technically – had been full of social interactions and anxiety, and that had taken its toll. He had _no_ energy left. It was a miracle he was still alive – a miracle Virgil didn’t really care for.

Slightly reluctant, Virgil hugged Patton and walked towards his apartment, looking back at his partner a few times. He struggled to insert his key into the lock, but when he unlocked the door, he headed straight to his bedroom and fell down on his bed. It was a miracle he was able to take off his shoes before he fell asleep.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just a small little chapter of a thing that Virgil wrote in his notebook. I wanted it to stand on its own, but thought it too short to post next week, so I'm posting it today, with a normal length chapter coming at you guys next week!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: swearing, self-loathing, suicidal thoughts, 
> 
> Minorly upset that the idea I had in word doesn;t work here hhhh  
> (I wanted to use another fond for this and also sort of play with the size of the letters, because when you're writing, your handwriting tends to be messy, especially when going through heavy emotions, but I guess you will just have to imagine that then)

_I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. Yesterday fucking sucked and today is going to fucking suck and I want it to stop but I know that I can’t. I can’t stop thinking and it sucks because I just want it to stop I want to stop thinking but I **can’t**. I think the only way to stop thinking is killing myself and I can’t do that. I’d want to but I can’t do that to Roman, or to Patton or Daya. Especially Daya. She’s just so fucking young I couldn’t leave her here. She needs me. I have t help her so I can’t kill myself. And Roman would be sad and Patton probably too and I can’t do that to them. Why is this so fucking difficult did I do anything to deserve this shit? Did I do something wrong in a previous life that I am being punished for or is it just fucking bad luck? Why does it have to be fucking me I hate this so much why can’t it stop. Why can’t I be **fucking happy I hate this**. I don’t want this. Fuck all of this honestly._

_I hate myself for doing this and I hate myself for feeling like this and I would stop it if I knew how but I have no idea how to stop. Sometimes it works and I think I’m getting better but a few weeks or days later everything comes crashing down and I realise I’m not getting better at all and I’m still as bad as I always have been. **I hate this. I hate** **living**. I wish I could do anything about it but there’s nothing I can do and I hate it so much I don’t want to keep living in a world like this but I don’t have much choice it’s either this or death and I can’t leave Roman and Patton and Daya, I think they would miss me. I don’t understand why. I wouldn’t miss me. But they do seem to like me and I love them but I don’t understand why they’re still with me. Especially Pat and Ro, how can they even be with someone like me? I don’t get it. I’m not likeable like they are. I’m just me and I am not special. I’m just a piece of trash why would they like me? I don’t understand it why they even want to be with me I don’t deserve them. I don’t deserve people who are so kind and good and pure they are so much better than me they can do so much better, why did they settle for me of all people? I love them but why did they do it when they could get so much better, **I don’t understand. I don’t. They could do so much better than me.**_

_Guess I should just… stop worrying haha at least I’ve got them right? Isn’t that what’s more important? I should just fucking stop my worrying and be happy with what I’ve got, I guess. But that’s so difficult sometimes. Especially with me being… well… ME. I don’t understand. I don’t know anymore_.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: I think that for once, there are no warnings at all. Maybe some swearing, but that's it. Finally some fluff I guess haha
> 
> I apologize if anything reads rushed, or bad or whatever, because I finished this super last minute (like... 10 minutes ago) and I had no time to proofread the chapter

 

A few days later, the rebels would have another meeting again. Virgil felt better than a few days ago – not fantastic. Just better. As always, he and Roman had agreed to meet up a little before the meeting, so they could have some time for themselves. They had decided to meet on the other side of town, and slowly make their way towards the forest.

Virgil was the first one to arrive this time, and he paced the fields nervously as he waited for his boyfriend. He was nervous about today’s meeting. He always was, but for some reason this time, it was worse. What if someone would find out about their plans? What if the State heard? If the State found out, they would be dead, for sure.

 

Luckily, it didn’t take long for Roman to arrive. Virgil saw him in the distance, and as soon as the older male had spotted his partner, he picked up the pace to reach his boyfriend as quickly as possible.

“My love,” Roman smiled as soon as he stopped next to Virgil. He was grinning, and clearly excited about something. “I have the best news.”

“What is it?” Virgil asked as he gently took Roman’s hands in his.

“I talked to my manager a few days ago,” the actor started, “and I’m getting an assistant. I made sure that I have the final say in who to hire. In a few days, we’ll post some ads for the application. I will make sure you will find it, so you just need to apply and you’ll have the job.”

“That’s amazing,” Virgil grinned, hardly able to wrap his mind about the concept. He couldn’t believe this was actually going to happen. “I can’t wait.”

“Me neither, my dear,” Roman agreed, bringing Virgil’s hands to his lips, so he could press a kiss to his knuckles. “Say, how did New Year’s go, sweetheart?”

“Terribly,” the younger man responded with a humourless chuckle. “But that was to be expected, so…” He trailed off and finished his statement with a small shrug.

“I’m sorry to hear, Virge,” the UC breathed, releasing his boyfriend’s hands so he could now cup his cheeks. “How are you now?”

“Better, I guess.”

“Well, that’s better than nothing,” Roman stated. “And at least you pulled through. I’m proud of you.”

Virgil smiled as his partner softly kissed his forehead. What would he do without his ever-present support?

“Thanks,” the younger man muttered, leaning into the touch of Roman’s lips ever so slightly. “How’s the filming going?”

“It’s exhausting,” the older actor admitted, “but it’s great at the same time. Though I know one thing would make it better.”

“Oh yeah?” Virgil asked as he looked up into his boyfriend’s eyes. “What’s that?”

“You.” Even though he had already expected this answer, Virgil felt his smile growing and a warm sensation coming up in his stomach. Roman was such a cheesy idiot, and Virgil was lucky to have met the guy. He was the best cheesy idiot around, that was for sure.

“You’re an idiot,” Virgil scoffed, his voice soft and warm, loving in a way it only ever was when Virgil was around Roman.

“But at least I’m your idiot.” Roman’s soft words were accompanied with a careful kiss pressed to Virgil’s nose and the latter scrunched his nose up in mock disgust.

“No, you’re not,” he said, sticking out his tongue with a chuckle. Roman gasped and put his hand to his chest in mock offense.

“Betrayal,” he just brought out, obviously struggling to keep up a serious face.

“You and your fucking dramatics,” Virgil laughed, shaking his head.

“You love both me and my fucking dramatics.”

“That,” the younger man said, placing his hands on his partner’s chest, “is a total lie.”

“Are you sure?” the actor asked. “Because I remember you telling me you love me. Multiple times.”

“That never happened.”

Roman huffed as he leaned in a little closer. “Maybe this will refresh your memory,” he mumbled before kissing his boyfriend. Virgil immediately wrapped his arms around Roman’s neck, trying to pull the other closer.

“Did that help?” Roman whispered as he pulled away.

“Not sure,” the other breathed. “I’m gonna need a little more convincing.”

He pulled his boyfriend in for another kiss, one hand coming up to play with his hair. When he finally pulled away again, Virgil smiled at his boyfriend with a certain air of confidence he wasn’t really used to.

“Never mind, I _do_ remember,” he nodded thoughtfully. “Guess I do love you, after all.”

 

The two partners made their way to the forest, catching up and just talking to each other, enjoying each other’s company. For a few moments, it felt like nothing was wrong, like there was nothing to worry about. It was just them, an no one else.

 

When the two reached their usual clearing, they noticed that Daisy and Sarah were already there – of course they were there together – but Logan was yet to arrive.

“Hey there,” Sarah smiled up at the two men. They both mumbled their greetings to Sarah and Daisy, who was practically sitting on Sarah’s lap at this point.

 

Virgil laughed softly as he looked at the two women– who were obviously _so gay_ for each other, but _so_ oblivious. Typical gays.

“They should just kiss already,” Roman whispered in his boyfriend’s ear as they sat down. Virgil whipped his head around to grin at his partner.

“You should tell _them_ ,” he stated.

“I would, but… I’m afraid it’s just a little weird,” the actor shrugged. Virgil chuckled softly, but didn’t respond. He couldn’t argue with that point.

 

Soon enough, Logan showed up, greeting the other rebels. He looked absolutely exhausted, and Virgil couldn’t blame him. This entire world, this entire way of living was exhausting, and draining. Keeping up a façade at all times was not an easy task.

The man greeted his friends and sat down himself, warming himself on the tiny fire Daisy and Sarah had managed to create. The five of them chitchatted for a bit, before the meeting actually started.

 

“Alright, I think it is now time for us to pick a date and prepare the… _event_ ,” Logan spoke. “Virgil, are you sure you’re comfortable with this?”

“Totally,” the LMC nodded. He got out his notebook and quickly sketched the square as well as he remembered, making a small cross near one of the corners. “I think my best bet would be this spot. It’s fairly hidden and out of sight of most cameras.”

“Perfect,” Logan said with a nod. His eyes studied the sketch, judging the situation for himself. “And if everyone else is still in on this, then we can start planning.”

A few murmurs of agreement arose after this statement, and Logan deduced that the others were, in fact, still in on this.

“Good,” the man nodded, looking down at the sketch Virgil had made in his notebook. Immediately, his mind started working out the best plan. “Virgil, would you mind if I took your pen for a moment?”

“Not at all,” the other man responded, handing his pen to the older male, who immediately made a few small notes of his own.

“Okay,” Logan started, showing the others what he had done. “I think, if Virgil is standing here… you would have to start a scene right about… here.” He pointed at a small cross on the other side of the square.

“So, I spot Roman there, and then Sar walks into us?” Daisy asked for clarification.

“Yes,” Logan nodded. “And Virgil, you should make sure to be ready before that.”

“I can do that.”

“When are we going to do this?” Roman brought up, as he shifted, so he could be _just_ a little closer to Virgil. “I don’t have a lot of days off in the next few weeks.”

“Well, when are you free?” Daisy asked, a hand playing with Sarah’s hair absentmindedly. Virgil doubted if she even knew that she was doing it.

“Let’s see…” the actor said softly. He bit his lip as he thought about the correct response to this question. Virgil found this incredibly cute – and _incredibly_ attractive. “The 7th, the 10th, but I’ve got to meet up with my manager, the 11th, then the 15th and… 17th, I think.”

“The 15th works for me,” Daisy said after a short silence.

“Yeah,” Sarah agreed, sneaking a glance at Daisy. God, she was so _gay_.

“For me too,” Virgil nodded, recalling his schedule, “but only after the news. Got work in the morning.”

“Well, the 15th it is then!” Daisy exclaimed, as enthusiastic as always. “What time?”

“I am not sure if it is my place,” Logan interrupted quickly – he had clearly thought about this question beforehand. “But I would suggest you agree on something easy, but not too suspicious.”

“What do you mean?” Sarah furrowed her brows in confusion.

“I’m afraid that if you choose the full hour, it will appear too… _planned_ for the State,” Logan expanded. He adjusted his glasses as he spoke. “Of course, there is no guarantee, but it is better to be safe than sorry. Especially in the case of something as dangerous as this.”

“Well, how about… three past eight?” Roman suggested. “We will have a small indication of time, but it will not be too obvious. I think.”

“I think that sounds good,” Sarah nodded. The other members agreed as well and after a few more technicalities, the meeting was technically over. However, the rebellion wouldn’t be the rebellion if they didn’t linger for a bit. Especially the two very gay boyfriends, or the two very gay, pining idiots. They would take any time to be together, and it had been a while since the last meeting. On top of that, the rebellion was a close group of people, even after spending relatively little time together. The fact that they shared this defiance, this disgust of the State and the society they lived in, it made a strong bond pretty quickly. It was trusted, it was a safe zone. Just them.

 

Virgil closed his eyes as he leaned into Roman next to him. He closed his eyes and a content sigh escaped his lips. If only he could stay here. It was comfortable here. There was no fear of the State – of course, a little bit of fear _always_ lingered, but there was a certain absence of the State that was pleasant. There was no class here, just a group of friends who enjoyed spending time together. It was what life was supposed to be like. And he wanted it to last.

“I think we should go soon, my love,” Roman whispered to Virgil as he brushed a rogue strand of hair from his boyfriend’s forehead. “We’ve been gone for a while. They might get suspicious.”

“I know,” Virgil whined in response. He wrapped two arms around Roman’s waist, pulling his closer. “But I don’t wanna.”

“Neither do I, sweetheart,” the older man agreed. “But we’re taking a big risk here.”

“We’ve been taking a big risk for over a year,” the other countered. Roman sighed with a small nod. Virgil had a point, but… it was not the point _he_ was trying to make. It had been quite some time since they left and he feared that the State would notice. There was no way to be sure what they knew and what they saw, but this… it had to stand out. They had to know. That is what he feared, at least.

“I know we have, baby,” Roman said, “trust me. But we’re taking an even bigger risk, my dear.”

 

The group had fallen silent and now, they were just enjoying each other’s company. Roman played with Virgil’s brown fringe, twisting strands of hair around his fingers. Virgil savoured the gesture and just rested his head on the other’s shoulder. Daisy had laid her head on Sarah’s lap and looked up at the other female with a blissful smile on her face. Sarah was oblivious to the adoring look as she looked down at the notes Logan had made in Virgil’s notebook during the meeting. Logan toyed with the pen in his hand, taking in the silence.

 

“Fine,” Virgil reluctantly whispered after a while. He really, _really_ didn’t want to leave Roman. But he had to. He always had to. It hurt and it was the worst feeling in the world, but he _had_ to. Virgil found himself wishing – not for the first time – that they could live together. For then, they would never have to part. And that was his only wish. To be with Roman every moment of the rest of his life. “Let’s go, then.”

Roman nodded as he pressed a kiss to Virgil’s temple.

 

“Well, as much as I hate to say it, Virge and I need to get going,” Roman announced and Virgil’s heart performed an utterly painful backflip as he realised how that sounded like they were leaving _together_ , leaving for the same destination. God, he wanted that to be true. “I think I will see you on the… 15th, then.”

“That you will,” Daisy agreed with a wink.

“Of course,” Logan nodded, “there will be another meeting on the… say the 20th. 10 PM?”

“If my schedule will allow it, I’m all for it,” Roman said with a nod. “Though I might not be able to make it, I’m not _quite_ sure.”

“You think you can let us know if you won’t be able to make it, so we know you haven’t been caught by the State?”

“Maybe I can tell Patton,” Virgil suggested. “I mean… I’ll know if Roman’s out, probably. He can tell me, I can tell Pat and he can tell you guys?”

“Sure,” Logan said, accepting the answer. “And good luck.”

“Thanks,” Virgil mumbled. He and Roman got up and slowly made their way through the dark woods. Virgil never liked walking around in the forest when it was this dark. It felt too dangerous to go here alone. Not just because of the possible dangers lurking in the shadows of the trees, but the shadows lurking in his own self. He feared that, in the darkness of the forest, they might grow stronger again. Too strong.

But with Roman there, holding his hand, those fears were nothing more than a vague whisper. With Roman there, he was at least confident enough to face that dark. He wasn’t alone. Why couldn’t Roman be there with him at all times?

 

As they walked through the woods, neither of the two talked. The only sounds were the twigs and leaves beneath their feet, and the occasional branch brushing against their clothes, or smacking their faces out of nowhere. But soon enough, they were standing on the edge of the forest, the lights of the town twinkling before them. For a moment, they stood there, watching, and Virgil felt a vague dread gnawing at him. One step closer to parting again.

“You should go already,” Roman said as they walked through the fields, nearing the town. “I will wait for a bit. Might ease suspicion.”

Virgil nodded as he cupped his boyfriend’s cheeks, pulling him closer, so he could kiss the other. Roman wrapped his arms around Virgil’s waist in response and held him in a comfortable embrace.

“I will see you in the store, right?”

“Well, I’ve got nowhere to go, so you’ll have to,” Virgil smiled in response.

“You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Isn’t it?”

“It’s the best thing ever,” Roman reassured his boyfriend with a wink.

Virgil chuckled and looked down, he lowered his hands so they rested on Roman’s chest. Why did his partner have to be so damn _smooth_? He could not deal with this, it was just… too sweet. Roman was way too sweet to be alive, and that was a fact.

“Stop that, you fucking nerd,” the younger man mumbled, grinning up at the other.

“Stop what?”

“Being so damn cute.” Virgil pecked Roman’s lip quickly after that, shooting him a smile.

“I can’t help it,” Roman defended. “That’s just how I am around you.”

Virgil closed his eyes with a smile, leaning his forehead against Roman’s chest. This man was utterly hopeless.

“You dork,” he mumbled.

“Look who’s talking,” the actor retorted, softly kissing the top of Virgil’s head. “If I’m a dork, so are you.”

“Sure,” Virgil scoffed. “Fair trade.”

“Only the fairest will do for the fairest of them all.”

Virgil whined softly at his boyfriend’s romantic words – why did he have to be so _good_ at romance? Why did he manage to fluster Virgil, even after more than a year? Why was he like this?

“I hate you,” the younger male sighed, pulling away from their hug with a grin that heavily contradicted his words.

“And I hate you too,” Roman nodded. “Now, as much as I _love_ to say this, you should go.”

“I’ll gladly leave,” Virgil said softly, looking down. “Can’t wait to not be around you.”

“I agree.”

“I’m glad we do.”

“So am I.”

Virgil shot his boyfriend a quick smile before kissing him one last time. Then, he reluctantly dropped his hands and walked away.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Just some swearing and mentions of anxiety, I think that's all

A few days after the meeting, Virgil found Roman waiting in line for his register. He smiled as he recognized his boyfriend’s face, quickly looking away to hide this smile from the State.

Just a few minutes later, Roman was up.

“Good morning, sir,” Virgil nodded, smiling up at the actor as he scanned the products in front of him. Roman was fumbling with something in his pocket, and he appeared to be lost in thought.

“Morning to you too,” Roman grinned. He looked happy, and that was an understatement.

“You’re in a good mood today.”

“Hey, I’m always in a good mood.”

“Well… a better mood than usual, then,” Virgil corrected himself before he continued to tell Roman exactly what he was meant to pay.

“Maybe,” Roman said as he reached for his wallet. “Just have some… things coming up.”

“Ah yes, _things_ ,” the cashier nodded. “That’s very exciting.”

“It is.” Roman handed Virgil a few bills. “Keep the change.”

“Thank you,” Virgil muttered. “Would you like a receipt?”

“No, thank you.”

“Alright,” the younger male nodded as he crumpled up the newly printed receipt. Roman smiled as he packed up his stuff. He shot Virgil a warm smile as he picked up his bag.

“Have a good day.” Virgil was about to respond, but he noticed a small piece of paper on the counter, and he knew for a fact it wasn’t there before Roman came in.

“Wait, sir, you’ve left a-”

“Keep it,” the actor interrupted, turning to Virgil with a smile. “As a gift.”

“I will put it with the receipt, sir,” the cashier nodded, carefully returning the smile. He moved to pick up the note and slipped it in his pocket.

“That’s all I need to know,” Roman said with that gorgeous smile of his. It never failed to make Virgil’s heart skip a beat or two. “Have a good day.”

“You too, sir.” Virgil looked at his boyfriend one more time before he moved on to the next customer.

 

During his break, Virgil decided to risk a glance as the piece of paper Roman had left him. He was nervous about it, but if he had left it behind this publicly, surely it was safe to check it out in public, right? He carefully unfolded the piece of paper and had a quick look.

It was an advertisement, calling for people to apply for a job. A job as an assistant for Roman Lufé. It was difficult to mask his excitement from the cameras. With this paper in his hands… working with Roman came one step closer and he could not be more excited about it. Anxious, but excited nonetheless. Getting this job could mean spending more time with Roman. In public. They wouldn’t have to hide to see each other. And no matter the situation or conditions, that was almost like a dream.

 

“What have you got there, Virge?” Daya asked, sitting down next to her friend. Virgil looked up, startled by the sudden appearance of the girl.

“Oh- I… this,” he responded, showing his friend the piece of paper in his hands. Daya scanned the paper and looked up at him with a smile.

“Ooh, I see what you’re doing,” she grinned, slightly nudging the other. “You’re gonna apply for that?”

“I think so,” he answered, looking at the paper. “I’m just… my Determination is a secretary, do you think I can apply for a job as an assistant?”

“You can always try,” Daya responded with a small shrug. “I’m not sure, but I think it’s fine? And if it’s not, you’ll be told so.”

“I guess you’re right,” he nodded as he folded the small note again. “Might as well try.”

 

After his shift that day, Virgil left to find James. The man had helped him before, getting his current job, and he hoped the man would be able to help him with this. Well… the job was pretty much guaranteed, that wasn’t the problem here. He just needed to get his resume and all documents in order. James knew how to do that.

“James, I need your help,” Virgil called out as soon as he saw his friend.

“Well, I’m here to offer it,” the older man grinned as he stopped in front of Virgil, crossing his arms expectantly. “What do you need help with, buddy?”

“I need a resume, and… stuff.”

“Stuff?” James asked with a soft snort. “What’s ‘stuff’?”

“I don’t know, a- a letter, an application, whatever,” Virgil shrugged. “I’m not… good with this kind of stuff, so, just… whatever I need for an application, I guess.”

“So, you’re trying to get out of here?” The man winked at Virgil as he asked the question. “Can’t blame you. Of course I’ll help you! Anything for you, Virge!”

“Thanks, James,” the younger male nodded with a weak smile. “I appreciate it.”

 

A week quickly passed, and soon enough, it was the fifteenth of January. The day of the planned event. All day, Virgil was particularly anxious, but he knew he couldn’t show it. If the State noticed his anxiety on the same day as the outrageous act of vandalism he would commit, they would suspect him. They would think that he would have something to do with it. And he did, of course. But the State could not know. He couldn’t be anxious about it. Or, at least, he couldn’t show it. And that… well, it was quite the struggle.

He went about his day like he normally would, trying his best to stay calm. Would it be enough to fool the State? Would they fall for his act, or would they think he was up to something? There was no way to be sure. He just hoped it would be enough.

So, he ate something, took a quick shower, left for work. He couldn’t think about it. He couldn’t think about that evening, because he would get anxious. For once, his job was a welcome distraction. He focussed on his customers, greeted them, listened to them. Anything to keep his mind from spiralling.

That night, he even paid attention to the news. Virgil absolutely hated that State-centric show filled to the brim with lies and propaganda, but he was happy to distract himself. It was probably the one time he was happy to watch the news.

 

He left his apartment around twenty past seven, so he had enough time to slowly make his way to the square. God, he was anxious about this. Everything had to be perfect, and if it wasn’t… he was going to die. He was going to die anyways; sooner or later, the State would find out about him and Roman. That was nearly inevitable. But if they knew he was behind this reckless act of rebellion, his death would be coming a whole lot sooner. And that, quite frankly, was a terrifying thought. Everything had to be _perfect_.

 

When Virgil neared the square, he slowed down, looking at the windows of a few small stores around. He couldn’t afford anything, but looking was always a good distraction. And a good way to stall, on top of that.

Less than five minutes after that, he took up his position next to a few posters. Virgil pressed his back against the wall, trying to blend in as he scribbled some random things in his notebook, while also keeping an eye on the square. Any minute now.

He looked around, Daisy and Roman would have to be here shortly, he told himself. Everything would be fine.

But as he stood there, Virgil couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. As if someone was staring at him. As sneakily as he could, the male looked around, only to lock eyes with someone on the other side of the square. They had their eyes on him, in a way that made him uncomfortable. The person wasn’t wearing the State’s dark blue uniform, but it could be a spy? Had someone heard of their plans, or was it just a coincidence? Did this total stranger just _happen_ to be watching him on the day of this plan, or was it a whole other plan, made up by the State? No, it was too coincidental. Did someone know? Had someone in the rebellion leaked the information to this stranger?

The LMC averted his eyes, afraid of being too suspicious. After a while, he dared to look up again. But the person was gone.

 

Virgil took a shaky breath and looked around, trying to find the person he saw just a few seconds ago, but they were gone, taking their refuge in the crowd. But something didn’t feel right. They knew something. They had to. But what, _what_ did they know?

 

“Oh my goodness, you are Roman Lufé!” Daisy’s enthusiastic voice pulled Virgil out of his thoughts and he looked up, telling himself to _concentrate_.

“That’s me,” his boyfriend responded with a chuckle.

“I am a huge fan! You’re an amazing actor,” the woman gushed. Meanwhile, Virgil grabbed his marker a little tighter. Any minute now. “Can I take a picture with you?”

“But of course!” Roman nodded. Okay, Sarah is supposed to come in any moment now, and then… he had to be ready.

He vaguely heard their two voices talking while Daisy opened her camera, waiting for Sarah to ruin the plan. Then, he heard a crash, and the obvious sound of glass breaking.

“Oh my goodness, watch where you’re going you… you low-life scum,” Daisy yelled, her voice cracked.

“I’m so, so sorry, miss,” a voice apologised. Sarah. “I wasn’t looking, and…”

“You should have watched where you were going, you absolute piece of-”

“Wow, wow, you should calm down,” Roman tried. Virgil looked around, trying to discover the position of the cameras.

“ _Calm down?_ My phone is destroyed!” Daisy protested. Her voice was shrill and loud, and Virgil found himself wanting to get out of there, just to escape the sound. She was doing a great job at making a scene, at least.

“I can pay for that, or a new phone…”

“No, it’s not your fault, it’s _hers_.”

Virgil sighed and snuck a glance at the three others. A small crowd had already gathered around, trying to find out what this scene was all about. The cameras were focussed on the scene. It was now or never.

The young man took the marker in his right hand and turned to the poster nearest to him. A blue and red poster encouraging people to volunteer for some kind of State-sponsored crap. He took a deep breath and wrote down three words, making sure it was legible to people passing.

 

_Fuck the State_

 

It was messy, since he had written it with his non-dominant hand, but it was legible. People could make out the letters. And that was what counted.

Virgil hid the notebook and marker in his pocket and left the square, making sure to lock eyes with Daisy as he did so. She looked at him for a fraction of a second and nodded, hardly noticeable. Once Virgil knew she had seen him, he walked out.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually think there are no warnings here, wow

The next day was, well… chaotic. From the moment Virgil stepped outside in the rain to the moment he stepped into the store, he heard people talking. And mostly, it was about what had happened the day before. What he heard, were only small parts of conversation, but he heard enough to know what it was about. It filled the male with a mix of pride and anxiety. Knowing people were talking about something _he_ did, an act of rebellion that _he_ was a part of, that was an indescribably good feeling. But at the same time, it fed his anxiety. He had to respond perfectly. Surprised, indignant, whatever the State would buy. People weren’t the trouble here; they could easily be fooled. And maybe the State was easily fooled as well, there was no way to know for sure, but Virgil doubted it. An organisation this powerful _needed_ to be smart, and an organisation this controlling _had_ to be observant. If he wasn’t perfectly convincing, they would know. And they couldn’t know.

To be fair, sometimes Virgil felt like they weren’t watching. He felt like he was far from a model citizen. He felt like he slipped up sometimes. Like sometimes, he dropped the act. Yet he was still here. But again, he didn’t know anything about the State. He didn’t know how many people worked there, when people were watching, when they weren’t. Maybe it was fate preventing him from being caught, maybe it was a coincidence. Or maybe they just didn’t _see_. Maybe they didn’t notice. Or maybe they weren’t watching him at the time. Virgil didn’t know, and there was no way to know. He felt like they weren’t watching him constantly – he couldn’t imagine that anyone even wanted to devote at least half their day to keeping an eye on him; his life wasn’t _that_ exciting after all. But this was a dangerous thought. If he started to think this, if he started to _believe_ this, he might start acting like it. He might get reckless. Stupid. And then, the State _would_ notice something was wrong. And then, he would truly be screwed. He couldn’t keep thinking like this, but he also couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming. Sometimes, he wanted to open one of Roman’s notes in the cameras’ view, just to see how long it would take for them to arrest him. It was idiotic, he knew, but… he was curious. He wanted to find out, even though he couldn’t. He still wondered.

 

As he stepped inside the store, Virgil was pulled out of his thoughts by the sounds of conversation. The tone of their voices indicated the topic. The voices were surprised, indignant; it was surely controversial. Well, I wonder what that would be.

Virgil just ignored the conversation as he changed into his black shirt, running a hand through his soaking wet hair. He left the locker room, ignoring his colleagues talking about the ‘scandal’, as they kept calling it. An unacceptable act of rebellion. He scoffed as he walked past them, heading to the store instead. If only they knew he was the one who had done this, he thought as he sat down at his register. The store wouldn’t be open for a bit, but right now, he preferred the silence of the shop to the chattering of his colleagues. Being alone with his thoughts was a scary thing, but being with his co-workers did not appeal to him right now. Most of them seemed to believe the State’s propaganda, and he didn’t feel like hearing what they had to say about the one who committed the act of vandalism – unaware that the perpetrator was among them. He didn’t want to hear what they thought should happen to him. He didn’t need that right now. Or ever, for that matter.

 

Luckily, his job managed to distract him a bit. When he was working, he didn’t have time to think about it. No one mentioned it. So, for a while, it was fine.

But then… six o’clock. Of course, they mentioned it in the news. In fact, it was the very first item – obviously; it was a huge scandal, and it had to be mentioned. Virgil bit his lip as he tried his best to act shocked, indignant, but he was scared that it wouldn’t be good enough. He feared the State would see through this. He didn’t know how to respond to this; did he have to be scared? Upset? Outraged? He didn’t know, but he was terrified that what he did, wasn’t enough. He just had to wait to see what would happen.

 

Virgil took a deep breath as he looked at the address on the paper in his hand. A few days ago, he had gotten a letter, inviting him to an interview for the assistant-job he had applied for. You know the one. And right now, he was standing in front of the building – at least, he hoped it was the correct one. He had checked it ten times, made sure that he had the right building, he even asked Patton about it. Even now, he checked the address on his paper, and looked at the words on the small plaque on the large building. He made sure that the words on there matched the words on his letter. Word for word. More than once. But still, there was the fear of being wrong. He was scared that somehow, he had done something wrong. Maybe they had made a mistake in the letter, maybe he misunderstood. What if he was wrong? His chances would be ruined. He wouldn’t be able to work for Roman, and that thought was devastating. But at the same time, if he stayed here, doubting, he would never get the job. He just had to push himself a bit and walk inside. He would ask whoever was at the reception about the interview, and they would tell him if he was in the right place for that. What was the worst that could happen? Well… a lot could happen, but let’s not go into that. It’s not the time. Now, he had to take a deep breath and walk inside. He had to talk to the reception-person and they would tell him where to go. It would be okay. It would all be okay.

 

So, Virgil took a deep breath. And another. And then, he walked forwards, waiting for the glass door to slide open. His heart was beating to violently that Virgil feared it would break his ribs. The person at the reception looked up. Virgil noticed they wore blue lipstick. It was bold, but it seemed to suit them. The young man took comfort in this small observation as he walked forwards, giving the person a weak smile. Blue lips curled upwards in a friendly smile and Virgil bit his lip nervously.

“Can I help you?” they asked sweetly. Their voice was warm and genuine, unlike the forced friendliness of most receptionists Virgil had encountered in his life.

“Y- yeah,” he nodded, mentally wincing at the stutter. “I- I’m here for the- the interview? For eh- Roman L-Lufé?”

“Of course,” the receptionist nodded, looking at the computer in front of him. “What is your name?”

“Virgil. Eh- Casey.”

“Ah, yeah, I see you!” they called out, turning to him with a smile. “You can go to room 2.25. To the elevator, second floor, room’s at the end of the hallway.”

“2.25? Two-two-five?” Virgil repeated, hoping he didn’t misunderstand. The receptionist confirmed this and he nodded with a smile. “Thank you.”

 

The man walked through the long and narrow hallway, towards the shiny doors of the elevator. He never used an elevator before, but there was no way he would admit that to the receptionist. He already felt out of place in this big, fancy building. How difficult could it be, after all? It didn’t seem like it would be a huge deal.

When he stopped in front of the elevator doors, Virgil half-expected the doors to slide open automatically. But they didn’t, and he quickly noticed a set of buttons on the side of the door. One with an arrow pointing up, the other with an arrow pointing down. He reasoned that, as he was going up, he’d have to press the first button. Made sense, right?

It took a few seconds for the elevator doors to open, and for a moment, Virgil feared that he had done something wrong. He didn’t know what he could’ve done wrong, but surely, it must have been _something,_ right? If the elevator wasn’t showing up, something had to be wrong, he reasoned. But before he could truly panic, the doors slid open. He sighed and stepped into the small box, quickly spotting a panel with a few buttons. He reached out to press the one with a red ‘2’ on it, when he noticed his hands were shaking. He was so fucking nervous for this. There was no way he could mess this up, with Roman on board. The job was pretty much a guarantee. But still, he was so fucking nervous, and he hated it. There was no reason to be so nervous, but why was he still nervous? Yes, Roman’s manager would be there, and he didn’t know them, but why was that a big deal? He didn’t know anyone in the rebellion before he joined either, and that turned out just fine. And Roman would be there, surely that was a comfort? Why did he still feel this way? It didn’t make any sense.

 

The elevator moved up with a shock, but the rest of the ride passed by smoothly, and before Virgil could even start to think about what would happen if the elevator stopped working – would he fall down? Would he just be stuck here until someone found out? – the doors opened, leading to the second floor. It was mostly a hallway, with white walls and dark brown wood on the floor. The occasional abstract painting or marble statue could be seen as decoration. A textbook example of higher class interior design, Virgil thought as he walked through the hallway, looking for room 2.25. He kept repeating it to himself, making sure he would remember and not stop in front of the wrong door.

Virgil already saw a few chairs shoved against the wall, facing one of many black doors. The door he needed. With a sigh, the young man sat down on one of the chairs – it was horribly comfortable. They must have cost a fortune. In fact, he wouldn’t be surprised if these few chairs cost more than everything he owned. It wasn’t as if he could afford a lot, after all.

 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, trying to calm himself down a little for the obligatory talk. Why was this a mandatory part of applying for a job? It was pure horror.

The door opened and Virgil flinched a bit, looking up. A young woman with heavy make-up walked out, smiling back at the man following her.

“You will hear back from us in a week or two,” Roman told her, leaning against the door a little bit.

“Alright,” she nodded. “Thank you.”

Her eyes met Virgil’s and for a moment, her smile faltered as she looked Virgil up and down. The man bit his lip and shifted uncomfortably. He was used to the higher classes sending him judging glances, but it was never a good feeling. He knew that they were better than him, richer, and that they would have better chances at life than he could even wish for, even without their condescending eyes. Luckily, the female quickly averted her gaze, turning to Roman to say goodbye with a broad smile. Something about her grin and the twinkle of excitement in her eyes told Virgil she was a fan of the actor, hoping to get a chance to work with her idol. Unfortunately, that position was already taken, even if she didn’t know it yet.

 

When the female walked away, Roman turned to Virgil with his gorgeous smile.

“Virgil Casey, right?” he asked for confirmation. Virgil nodded, still anxiously biting his bottom lip. “Glad you made it. You can come in.”

Again, Virgil nodded as he got up and walked into the room. He didn’t dare to look at Roman, afraid that he would slip up and do something out of character, so he kept his head low and kept a close eye on his feet, avoiding any eye contact.

 

The door closed behind him and Roman quickly caught up with him.

“You can sit on one of those chairs,” the actor said as he briefly touched Virgil’s shoulder, pointing him to two black chairs in front of a desk. Even though the contact was brief and small, it just felt… _good_. More, even. Was he really so touch-starved? Again, Virgil nodded and he walked over to the chairs, finally looking up to have a look at Roman’s manager. They appeared tall, even when sitting, and slightly balding. Their green eyes were the kind that feel like they looked right through your very being. Virgil shot them a quick smile before looking down at his hands, which were toying with the sleeves of his purple shirt.

“How are you, Virgil?” Roman asked sweetly as he sat down on the other side of the desk.  

“Anxious,” he responded with a soft scoff. He carefully looked up at the two men in front of him, knowing that would be politer.

“That’s okay,” the actor nodded, “we’ll just be asking you a few things and you’re free to go. No judging or anything, okay?” For the nth time, Virgil nodded, shooting Roman a hesitant smile. Roman returned said smile and _damn_ , he was gorgeous as ever. He then looked down at a few papers in front of him. “Alright, well… just to be sure we’re dealing with the right person here, you know, formalities and whatnot. You’re Virgil Casey, LMC, class number 3.89616, right?”

“That’s me,” Virgil confirmed. Roman hummed as he made a small note on his piece of paper.

“Why did you apply for this job?” the manager asked, leaning forwards a little bit. “You are Determined to be a secretary, why apply for this?”

“Well, I- I, ehm… I saw the application, and I… thought I’d try,” Virgil explained, cringing at his stutter. “I thought a job as ass- assis- assistant, sorry…” He took a breath, feeling extremely self-conscious. God, what would they think of him? One hell of an impression he was making, huh? “Ehm, yeah, it’s not too different from a secretary, so… I wanted to- to try.”

“Take your time, Virgil,” Roman said gently, noticing the other’s distress. “You’re the last one of the day, so there’s no rush.”

Virgil nodded, nervously chewing his lip. He lightly tapped his foot against one of the legs of the chair, hoping it wouldn’t bother the two others too much. He knew he would be anxious about this, but he had never thought he would be _this_ anxious. As long as it would be over soon.

“And why do you want this job?” the manager continued.

“Oh- eh… quite honestly, I just… I want to get out of my- my current job,” the younger man responded, quite taken aback by the sudden question. “I- I saw the advert for this, and it… it sounded good, so I applied. That’s… that’s it, I think.”

 

For a while, the both of them asked Virgil some questions, Roman explained the necessary things and they made a few notes. Then, finally, the talk was over. Virgil felt a certain relief when Roman announced that that was all they wanted to know.

“Thank you,” Virgil nodded as he carefully got up.

“You’ll hear from us in a week or two,” Roman told Virgil, but he got up too. “I have somewhere else to be, so I hope you don’t mind me walking back with you?”

Virgil shook his head, causing Roman to smile broadly.

“Great,” he smiled. “I will see you tomorrow, Sky.”

The manager – Sky, apparently – nodded and just quickly waved at Roman, focussing their attention on the papers before him.

“Enthusiastic as ever,” the actor teased with a grin as he opened the door. He looked at Virgil, waiting for the younger man to follow him. Virgil got the hint and followed the other to the elevator. There was so much he wanted to say to Roman, but he was so scared of the camera’s. This was the first time he and Roman met in public, outside of the supermarket. And he wanted to talk to Roman, but he didn’t know what would be allowed or what would be off limits. He wasn’t supposed to make small talk with Roman – his class was too high, and he had something better to do than talking to someone like him. If Roman initiated the conversation, that was something else. It was still frowned upon, and technically not allowed – anything outside of professional relations between classes was technically forbidden – but it happened. Smalltalk wasn’t restricted. Sometimes, it just happened. Sometimes, you needed to avoid an awkward silence, and the State seemed to understand. But one could never be sure of it. The State’s standards were a mystery to anyone other than its officials. No one knew what would happen.

“So, what do you think, Virgil?” Roman asked his boyfriend as they approached the elevator. He looked at the shorter man with a smile, never dropping the professional façade. “Think it went well?”

“I… I don’t know,” Virgil shrugged. “I’ve only done this once before, so… not a lot of reference.”

“Really? So, you immediately got your job at the supermarket?”

“Not quite,” the younger man mumbled. “It took me a while before I was even invited to a talk… thing. Employers don’t… they don’t seem to- to want to hire someone who lives in the Out- Outskirts.” He scoffed softly, before changing the subject. “Someone… helped me. I think he’s one of the reasons they hired me. Said he’d talk me up a bit.”

“Sounds like a good guy,” Roman commented as he pressed the down-button outside of the elevator.

“He is,” Virgil agreed with a nod. “He barely even knew me at the time. But he knew that I- he just… wanted to help. He’s always looked out for me, and I… I’m so grateful for that.”

“I can imagine,” Roman nodded, looking at Virgil with a smile. Virgil looked up and the dull, anxious ache in his chest was replaced with the ache of wanting to be physically close to someone you can’t possibly be close to. He returned the smile and looked away again, just as the elevator doors opened. The two men silently got into the elevator, and Roman again pressed the button for the ground floor. There was so much Virgil wanted to say to Roman, but he held back. They were in public. It would be inappropriate.

Luckily, the elevator ride was quick, and before Virgil knew it, the doors opened again, leading into the lobby.

“Oh, Virgil, you said you don’t have an email address, right?” Roman asked suddenly, stopping just in front of the glass doors.

“I did,” Virgil confirmed.

“Could you then maybe give me your phone number? I understand if you’d prefer not to, but then I can call you about your application.”

“Sure,” the younger man said with a small shrug. He took his phone out, extremely conscious of its state, and searched for his number. He didn’t have a whole lot of contacts; not a lot of people he knew actually had a phone, and most people he knew were colleagues he saw nearly ever day. If he needed something, he’d ask them at work.

He found his number and told it to Roman, who copied it to his own phone – which was in a much better condition than Virgil’s, and for a moment, he wished he could afford something like that himself.

“Thank you,” Roman smiled. “I need to get to work now, but I will call you about this later.”

Virgil nodded and watched Roman leave the building, walking towards a black car parked outside. And it seemed as if he only then realised. He didn’t care if it was purely for professional reasons. Roman had his number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a random thought: Resistance by Muse is the perfect song for this fic. So is Thought Contagion. They're amazing.  
> Also, for anyone out here who happens to have Tumblr, I now made an ask blog for the fic, if anyone's interested (: I don't think I can link here, but the URL is som-questions *fingerguns*


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I’m Mercy and today I will show you how to include a plot point that you should have included in the previous chapter if you didn’t forget smh Mercy
> 
> Warnings: None, I think
> 
>  
> 
> (This chapter is a little shorter than I would want it to be, but uni's starting up again and I had less time to write than I would've wanted, so... here. I hope the next chapter can be a little longer, cause I haven't been satisfied of the length of the chapters lately, so we'll see haha)

After his interview, Virgil immediately went to Patton’s door, knocking softly. He couldn’t help but feel… _excited_ about the fact that Roman had his number. It was a tiny thing, and it was a stupid thing to be so happy about, especially seeing as there was a huge chance that the State could tap into their messages, but still… he had his number. _Almost,_ they were like a normal, legal couple. Almost.

 

“Virge!” Patton beamed as he opened the door, one hand behind his back. “You made it! how was the interview?”

“Alright, I think,” Virgil nodded as he walked inside. “Nerve-wracking, but all interviews are.”

“Well, I’m proud of you,” the other man grinned. He closed the door, still hiding his one hand from Virgil, who noticed this action with curiosity. Patton saw this and winked, showing Virgil what he held in his hand. A single, yellow rose. “Tadaa! I wanted to get you a bouquet of these, but I couldn’t afford more than this, so her you go!”

“Patton, it’s gorgeous,” Virgil smiled as he took the rose in his hand. “Thank you so much.”

“Aw, it’s nothing,” Patton shrugged it off. “I really like the whole symbolism thing, so this flower stands for friendship, and undying love!”

The younger man smiled and once again, thanked Patton for the flower. It was absolutely stunning.

“Hey, you hungry?” Patton asked quickly, as Virgil put the rose away. “I thought we’d make some pancakes. We can make some extra, so you can take some home for tomorrow or the day after.”

“Sounds good,” Virgil nodded. “Haven’t had them since I was a child, so it… sounds good.”

“Then it’s been decided!” his partner declared, clapping his hands together. “Let’s make some pancakes!”

 

Patton showed Virgil how to make the batter and pancakes. He only had one pan for it, so there wasn’t much for the two to do together, but at least he could see how it had to be done. Patton also brutally murdered a pancake or two when he tried to show off by trying to flip a pancake in the air. And failing. He managed the third time though.  Virgil watched with a smile as his partner tried to execute this trick, his tongue slightly sticking out in the process. It was weirdly adorable.

When he succeeded, Patton cheered softly, turning to Virgil with a grin. “That’s how it’s done!”

“What, failing twice before nailing it?” Virgil teased as Patton set the pan down again. “Well, I can do that too, then.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“I would, but I… you already ruined two perfectly good pancakes, I don’t want to ruin more, you know?”

“Hm, of course,” Patton hummed with a smile at his partner. “I believe you.”

“Good.”

The two of them fell silent after that, enjoying the other’s company and focussing on the pancakes. It was actually pretty _fun_ , Virgil realised as he attempted to flip a pancake with the spatula. Patton giggled softly as the other failed at this and took Virgil’s hand in his, holding onto the spatula together as they flipped the pancake.

“I could swear I did the same thing,” Virgil mumbled as he looked at Patton.

“Well, you didn’t do it good enough, I suppose,” the other just smirked.  “Don’t worry, you’ll learn it one day. Then you’ll be just as good as I am.”

Virgil nodded, looking at Patton with a small smile. What an absolute, complete and utter dork he was. But Virgil loved him so, _so_ much.

The duo made just a couple more pancakes before they had used all of the batter and they could get started on the best part of it. Eating.

As always, they talked and joked around, they watched the news, pretending to be model citizens, and some more joking around and playful discussions. Virgil didn’t really want to leave. He didn’t want to go back to his own, cold apartment. He had almost saved up enough money to get the heater fixed, but until that moment, his apartment was icily cold and he just didn’t want to be there. But he had no choice. Patton had no place for him to crash, so going back to his own apartment was inevitable, no matter how much he hated it. It was cold – not just because it was _cold_. But it was lonely, cold. He would rather be anywhere else, with Patton, or Roman. Not alone. The loneliness was the worst of all. Virgil could deal with the cold. It sucked, yes it did, but it was temporary. He would get used to the cold, he would get his heater fixed, or winter would dissolve into spring. The loneliness however, was more permanent, and the pain never really went away, even if he got used to it. It was always there.

 

That’s a fun subject to think of right before you go to sleep.

 

That night, Virgil had a… dream. A weird one, but one that left him anxious all day. He was on his way to work, when he saw someone on the other side of the road. He recognized this person, but it took him a while to figure out where he had seen them before. But then, something clicked. It was the person he had locked eyes with a few days ago, before he was supposed to write on the poster. A vague feeling of anxiety bubbled up in his chest before the scene shifted. This happened a few times; he met up with Roman, with Patton, he took a walk in the forest. But everywhere, there was the feeling of being watched. And if he turned around, Virgil could just see the outlines of a human figure, standing there.

When he woke up, heart beating quickly, the young man remembered that guy, he remembered that moment, and he remembered what he had feared the moment he had locked eyes with that stranger.

 

He had to talk to Patton.

 

After a quick breakfast and a short shower, Virgil made his way over to Patton’s apartment. He wasn’t quite sure if his partner was home right now, but he needed to discuss this issue with _someone_ , and Patton was the only one he could talk to right now. So, he knocked on the male’s door and hoped for the best.

 

Luckily, the door was opened after a few moments of waiting and Virgil was met with Patton’s beaming smile.

“Virge! To what do I owe this pleasure?” he smiled. “Sleep well, kiddo?”

“Eh, it was… weird,” Virgil shrugged. He played with the coat he held in his arms. “You?”

“Pretty alright,” Patton responded, looking down at the coat Virgil carried. “Going somewhere?”

“Yeah, I- I wanted to ask if you wanted to… go out? Take a walk?” Virgil locked eyes with Patton, hoping that his partner would get the hint. They _had_ to talk.

To his relief, Patton understood. He nodded, saying that he would have to get a hoodie first – a piece of clothing that was far from enough to shield him from the cold weather.

But Virgil nodded and put on his own coat, waiting for Patton to be ready, so the two of them could take a walk. They had reached a silent agreement that they would walk to the fields outside of town; Virgil decided that it would be the fields on their side, and Patton went along with it.

During their walk, Patton made a few random comments, either about his day, or a few puns about things he saw. But as soon as they were out of sight from the cameras, as soon as they reached the safety of the green fields, he dropped this act, grabbing Virgil’s hands as they sat down.

 

“Okay… talk,” he said immediately. “What’s up?”

“I…” Virgil took a deep breath, rubbing the back of Patton’s hands. “I… think there might be a spy… in the rebellion.”

There was a beat.

“You do?” Patton asked eventually, his voice soft, worried. “Why?”

“Well… we did the- the poster thing, I’m sure you’ve seen it on the news,” Virgil started. He paused for a few seconds. There it was again, that feeling of being watched. He bit his lip and looked around. There was no one in sight. It was just stupid paranoia, he told himself. Nothing to worry about. “And when I was waiting for my cue, I saw someone… looking at me. I looked away, but when I wanted to look at them again, they were gone. But for the rest of the time, I felt like someone was watching me. I think someone told them about what we had planned.”

“Oh… that’s not good,” Patton responded, clearly looking for the words to describe the situation. “Did you tell anyone else about it?”

“No. I want to tell Roman, but I haven’t had the chance,” the other said, shaking his head. “And I’m not sure who else I can trust.”

“And you’re sure you can trust Roman? No offense to you, or to him, but wasn’t _he_ the one who asked you out? What if it was a trap?”

“Believe me, I have thought about that in the first weeks after we started dating as well, but no… I think I can trust him,” Virgil concluded with a shrug. He just really hoped that he was right on this. If Roman _was_ a spy… that would be simply devastating. “We’ve been dating for more than a year by now; if he really was a spy, I’d be dead already. And besides, he’s pretty high profile. I don’t think spies would be so… out there. That would make it difficult to blend in, and if I were the State, I’d prefer spies who can blend in easily. Roman is too famous.”

Patton nodded, biting his lip.

“So Roman’s out of the question,” he muttered. “Which leaves…”

“Daisy, Sarah and Logan,” Virgil finished for him. “But I can’t imagine any of them would be a spy. I just… can’t believe they would do that, you know?”

“I know, Virge, I can’t either,” the other nodded. “But if there really is a spy… it’ll have to be one of them. How else would they know about the exact time and location of our plan?”

“What- what are we going to about it?”

“I don’t know… I think we should be careful,” the older man suggested. “We should keep an eye out. See if anyone does anything suspicious.”

Virgil nodded slightly, absentmindedly pinching his lower lip. Something felt off – it made sense, he reasoned. They were talking about a spy here, of course it wouldn’t feel right. But even with that knowledge, he felt like there was something else to it. There was more to this whole situation than he thought, but he couldn’t for the life of him find out what it was. And maybe he would some day, he told himself. But the fact that he couldn’t figure it out, frustrated him to no end.

“Are you alright there, kiddo?” Patton asked Virgil softly, looking at his partner worriedly.

“What? I mean- I… yeah,” he nodded slowly. “Yeah, I am. Just… thinking.”

“Well, if you say so… if you need to talk about those thoughts, you can always come to me, you know?”

“I doubt I can _always_ come,” Virgil scoffed. “I don’t think the State would like it. I appreciate the thought, though. Thank you.”

Patton smiled and the two sat in silence for a while, when Virgil saw his partner shivering. He frowned as he noticed that the hoodie he wore wasn’t exactly enough to keep him warm.

“You want to go back, Pat?” he asked worriedly.

“I… yeah, that might be the best.”

“Well then, let’s go back,” Virgil said as he got up. He reached out to take Patton’s hand in his as he did so. He shot his partner a smile and they slowly made their way back to the town, chatting about whatever topic Patton could think of. Virgil wasn’t the small talk-y guy, so Patton took the lead and Virgil just followed him. Easy enough.

 

When they got back to the hallway separating their two apartments, Patton hugged Virgil tightly, pressing a kiss to his partner’s cheek.

“Love you, Virge,” he said with a wink as he pulled back.

“I love you too,” Virgil responded, grimacing slightly as Patton jokingly ruffled his hair.

“I wish I could talk to you a little longer, but I’ve got stuff to take care of kiddo, so I’ll see you later.”

“See you, Pat,” the younger man smiled, retrieving his key from his pocket. “Love you.”

“Love you most!” Patton stuck out his tongue and quickly disappeared into his apartment, sneakily ending the discussion before it even had time to begin. Virgil rolled his eyes at the man’s behaviour as he opened the door to his own apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I made a Spotify playlist for this fic, to listen to while writing (but also outside because it's a good playlist), with a bunch of songs I think fit the fic in any way. And I was thinking that, if anyone's interested, I could share the link? Idk just a thought pff  
> (Though some of the songs deal with depression, suicide, angst, and there's one song with gun shots, though I don't think they're too loud? Don't quote me on that tho)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Some anxiety and some feelings, but I think that's it?
> 
> Notes: Finally a chapter I'm content with again wow. Like I promised, here's the SoM playlist! I just hope the link works here. Read the description for some information and also don't forget to check out @som-questions on tumblr even though I do keep forgetting to update it, just a spon pff
> 
> Link to the playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/amerinsaltena/playlist/0IAiaCPMRCR36l5CD683eU?si=MrHO--2RSJqXH0-kz5emDw

The next day went as most days. A tedious slur that Virgil couldn’t wait to leave behind him. He knew Roman would officially give him the job in just a few days. Until then, he would just have to wait. Just a few more weeks, at best. He just had to wait a few more weeks. Yeah… he could do that. 

That evening, the rebels would meet up to discuss their event of a few days ago. They’d talk about it, discuss possible next plans, and hang out, like every meeting. But before that… Virgil had to tell Roman about the spy. Roman needed to know. He deserved it.

 

He was early. He paced around a bit while waiting for Roman, trying not to freeze too much. The fact that it was starting to get a little bit warmer again did not mean that the wind was any less chilly. Especially when the sun had set; the world was still as cold as ever.

Luckily, the actor showed up soon enough, before Virgil could freeze over completely.

“Good evening my love,” Roman smiled as he wrapped an arm around Virgil’s shoulder, pressing a kiss to his temple. Virgil smiled and greeted Roman, who immediately noticed something different about the man’s behaviour.

“My dear Virge, something is bothering you,” he spoke quickly, looking down at his boyfriend. “What is up?”

Virgil bit his lip, refraining from answering with some stupid pun. Instead, he took a breath. Before telling Roman exactly what he had told Patton. About the spy, about the person he had seen the other day, about the feeling of being watched. And as he spoke, he couldn’t help but notice that old fear – fear that Roman might be the spy. But he quickly pushed that away. His boyfriend could never be a spy. He was too high-profile, Virgil reminded himself. He wouldn’t blend in, that wasn’t ideal for a spy… was it?

“A spy, you say?” Roman murmured, more to himself than his boyfriend. “Well… that’s not good. We should keep an eye out. Anyone else who knows?”

“Patton,” Virgil said immediately. “He wasn’t there at the moment, so I trust him.”

“But I was there, wasn’t I?” Roman asked, turning around so he could wrap his arms around Virgil protectively. “What made you trust me?”

“It’s just- we’ve been dating for a- for more than a year, we’ve said and done enough things to be arrested,” the younger man shrugged. “I think that if you were a spy, I would be dead already.”

“I’m honoured that you trust me, darling,” Roman muttered with a smile. He pressed a soft kiss to the top of Virgil’s head. “I’ll keep an eye on the others, then. Any prime suspects?”

“Not yet.” Virgil shook his head. “It’s gotta be either Logan, Daisy or Sarah, as they were present for the discussion. But that’s all.”

“Hmm, I see. I’ll be sure to note any suspicious actions.”

“As will I.”

 

During the meeting, both Roman and Virgil – and possibly Patton too – kept an eye out, trying to find anything suspicious about one of the other members, but to no avail. Nothing happened. A few new people had joined the group, though. It was dangerous to allow their small group to grow too big; as the more people would sneak out to the woods, there was more chance for the State to see. But a few more people wouldn’t hurt them too much, as long as they were cautious. At least, that’s what they reasoned. They never knew. No one ever _knew_. They only ever guessed. That was the only thing they could do.  

At the end of the meeting, Virgil and Roman silently walked back through the fields. Neither of them knew what to talk about, so they just stayed together in silence, their hands intertwined. Honestly, the quiet wasn’t unwelcome. So much had happened lately, and Virgil was happy to be with his boyfriend.

Silently, without speaking, the two of them stopped in the middle of the field, looking at the city before them. Virgil leaned his head against Roman as the latter wrapped an arm around his shoulders. They didn’t want to ever part again.

 

But of course, they had to. And both of them knew. Eventually, they had to depart. Luckily, there was now the solace that they would see each other more in the future. Soon enough, they were going to be able to work together. But that was not now, and that knowledge did not make parting any easier. It never did. After what must have been at least ten ‘final kiss’-es, a number of hugs and sweet words, they _had_ to part. They couldn’t stall any longer. Roman kissed Virgil one last time – and now, it was for real – before he headed back to his own house. Just seconds after they left, both of them longed for the next time they could meet.

 

A few days later, Virgil sitting in his living room. He had a day off for once, and a much needed one. The past few days had been rough, exhausting and draining. He wished he could get more than a day off, but that was difficult. No work meant no money. And he needed money to be able to pay rent, to buy food. He couldn’t afford to miss a lot of work.

Suddenly, the silence was interrupted with a slightly unfamiliar sound. The sound of his phone ringing. Virgil looked up as he heard the sound. No one ever really called him, and when he looked at the caller-ID, he noticed that he didn’t know the number. Could it be…

“Hello?” God, he hoped that it was Roman.

“Hi, this is Virgil Casey, right?” Virgil’s heart stopped as he heard the voice. He’d recognize his boyfriend’s voice everywhere.

“Yes,” Virgil nodded, his free hand toying with the zipper on his hoodie. “Yes, that’s me.”

“Okay, good,” Roman sighed. “I’m Roman. Lufé. Calling about the job you applied for a while back. I wanted to say that you got the job.”

“I did?” Virgil did his best to fake surprise. Of course, this was nothing like a surprise to him, but the State didn’t know. And they couldn’t know, either. “That’s great, thank you!”

The man smiled as he shifted a little, sitting into a more comfortable position. He couldn’t wait to finally start working with Roman.  

“It’s quite alright, Virgil,” Roman dismissed quickly. “When do you think you can start?”

“I think, if I quit my job tomorrow…” Virgil mumbled, biting his lip as he thought about it. If he told his boss tomorrow, he’d probably have to work until the end of the month – that is what he heard, at least. He had no idea if it was true. “The beginning of next month. I think.”

“Okay, that is quite alright. As you don’t have an email address, I’ll just text the information to you. Though I have discussed things with my manager, and I think it would be beneficial to the job if you did get a laptop. I do not think you have one?”

“I do not,” Virgil confirmed. Of course he didn’t. He could barely afford a phone, let alone a _laptop_.

“Alright, we will go out for laptop shopping tomorrow then – if you’re available tomorrow?”

“I have to work, but it’s a short one so… in the afternoon, I am,” Virgil shrugged. “But I can’t exactly… afford to buy a laptop. I think I can use my phone, though?”

“It’s no problem!” Roman commented, cheerfully as ever. “I’ll buy it for you!”

“What? No, I- I can’t…” Virgil’s shocked stammering was interrupted by Roman’s voice.

“I insist. It would really help you on the job, Virgil,” he stated quickly. “I can miss it, trust me. It’s no problem. I’ll meet you at the shop, after your shift?”

“I- eh…” Virgil could find nothing to counter Roman’s generous offers. And while he really did appreciate the thought, accepting it felt… bad. Like he was some kind of charity case Roman felt the need to care for, because he happened to have money. It was silly, Virgil knew that. He needed a laptop for his job, and Roman offered to help out so he could do his job. That was just kind, right? “Fine.”

“Great! I’ll see you then!” Roman exclaimed, his smile evident in his voice. “And Virgil?”

“Yeah?”

“Please, from now on, just call me by my name, alright? That would be much better,” Virgil suppressed a tiny hint of a smile at the comment.

“But the-”

“I know the policy,” Roman intervened quickly. “But it’s not going to be necessary, okay? You can just call me Roman.”

“Alright,” Virgil said with a nod. “Thank you, Roman.”

“No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

“Yeah… see you tomorrow.” Virgil ended the phone call with a small smile that he couldn’t hold back. He and Roman were going to meet in public. And however small that was… it felt like a victory.

 

From the moment he woke up that next day, Virgil felt… he just felt tired. Not the _tired_ kind of tired, but the kind of tired where you just want to curl up in your bed to binge a good show and not talk to anyone. That, only Virgil couldn’t exactly binge a good show. He just felt drained and if he could, he would take the day off. But there were many reasons why he couldn’t do exactly that. So, much like most days, he just had to drag himself out of his bed and get himself to go to work. Just a week, he told himself. He only had to do this for a week and he would be free. Finally.

 

He skipped breakfast; he didn’t exactly feel like eating anything that day. He just took some water. That would have to do for now.

When he finished, he slowly made his way to the supermarket, listening to his music a little bit louder than he usually did. For some reason, he only did this when he felt bad, like today. He wasn’t sure why, maybe it comforted him? He didn’t know.

 

He didn’t turn off his music when he arrived at the supermarket; he just continued to listen to it as he changed. To anyone who knew him, that would be a sign he wasn’t feeling his best. Luckily, the people he was closest to weren’t around at this exact moment. He didn’t need questions right now. As soon he got dressed, he walked out to the store itself, to get some time for himself before the torture of the job started.

 

It wasn’t easy to work up to his break. The fact that he only had a short shift today, was a promising prospect, but that didn’t change anything about how much working sucked. Virgil managed to put up the way too friendly act, but it was incredibly exhausting. He couldn’t wait to get out of there. He really, really hated this. It was never easy, even when he was feeling good, but him feeling like he did now made the whole thing even more difficult. But, he tried to tell himself, it was only a few hours. Then he could meet up with Roman and hopefully forget about his problems for a bit. That was what he hoped, at least.

 

During his break, Virgil decided to find a place far away from the others, far away from the socialising, so he could take some time for himself. Unfortunately, the quiet didn’t last long, as James came walking up to him.

“Hey, Virge!” James called cheerfully as he walked up to his younger co-worker. Even though he stayed upbeat as ever, Virgil _knew_ that he didn’t come up to him just to have a fun little chat. There was something more. “How are you doing today? I saw you sneaking around. Do you need anything?”

“No, thanks, I’m… pretty okay, actually” Virgil mumbled. He didn’t look at James as he spoke; he was afraid that the man would see right through his lies as he did. James seemed to be pretty good at that. “Didn’t sleep too well but… I’m not… I’m not doing horrible. You?”

“I’m doing good!” he nodded. “I actually have- wait, no, I didn’t come here to talk about that. Just wanted to see if you were… managing.”

“Don’t worry about me.” Virgil absentmindedly scratched his wrist as he spoke. I’m managing.”

“Well you clearly don’t know me, then,” James said with a smile that wasn’t necessarily a happy one. He put a hand on Virgil’s, holding it so he couldn’t continue scratching. “I always worry about you.”

“I know you do, Jamie,” Virgil muttered, shaking his head as he looked down at his wrist, nearly burning a hole in the black fabric covering it. “But there’s no need. I’m doing way better than a few years ago. Most of the time, at least.”

“Most of the time?” James repeated, cocking his eyebrow. His voice was warm and sincere, laced with worry. “Do I need to know about anything, Virge?”

“Not really,” the younger man shrugged. “Just… New Year’s sucked again, but that’s nothing new. And I have bad days every once in a while, but… I’m doing better, promise. I- I’ve been worse, at least. But Patton’s helping lots, and… I try my best.”

“Well, that is all I ask!” his co-worker beamed, carefully wrapping an arm around Virgil’s shoulders, hesitant to see how he would respond. When Virgil didn’t flinch or pull away, James relaxed a little, and Virgil smiled, leaning into the touch a bit. “If you need anything…”

“I know, I know,” Virgil cut him off. “You’re there for me, and I can always come to you, I know.”

“But _will_ you?”

“I… maybe? I don’t know what I’ll say when I do need someone. But I’ll try to keep you in mind.”

“You better.” James nodded, carefully releasing Virgil’s hand. He kept an eye on it, though. He had learned that Virgil often scratched his wrists when he was having an off day, and since he learned why he did this, he felt it was his responsibility to make sure the younger man did not do this. Virgil noticed James’ gaze and smiled a bit, toying with the fabric of his sleeves to at least do _something_ with his hand. He couldn’t stand doing nothing at all. Made him restless.

“Did I tell you I got the job I applied for?” Virgil asked softly, after a short silence had fallen.

“You didn’t,” James responded with a smile. He made sure to keep his voice low, for Virgil’s sake, as he smiled at his friend. “Congratulations! When can you start?”

“The end of next month, if it works,” the younger man shrugged. “Just need to break the news to Roger.”

“Need some help with that?” James offered immediately. Virgil looked up at his co-worker with a smile. James knew exactly what the answer was, but he always asked the question. He was such a great guy.

“Please,” he scoffed. “I’m not exactly… good with talking, so… help would be appreciated.”

“I think we’ve got a few more minutes until our break’s over, want to find him now?”

“Sure.” The sooner is was over, the better.

James smiled and got up, waiting for Virgil to follow.

 

The two of them went to Roger’s office. As always, the man was looking at some papers on his desk. It was always the same.

James knocked on the door and promptly opened the door leading into the office. Roger looked up and smiled at James, followed by Virgil. Roger was a weird guy. He always smiled, but Virgil was never sure if it was genuine. His dark eyes never really had that genuine sparkle most people had. But he was always kind and understanding, so that was good, at least. Well… it was _something_.

“Hey lads! What can I do for you?” he asked, leaning forwards a little bit, resting his arms on his desk.

“Well, Virgil has something to say, I’m just here for support,” James winked. “Unless you need me to break it to him, Virge?”

“No, I’m good, thanks,” Virgil smiled. He turned to Roger and bit his lip. “Well… I got a new job, so… I can start next month.”

“That’s next week,” Roger responded.

“Yeah,” Virgil nodded. “I know. And I know it’s late, but…”

“No, no, it’s fine, Virgil,” Roger quickly said. “It’s fine, I can take it into account. Once the formal procedures are done, of course.”

“Of course,” Virgil mumbled with yet another nod.

 

They talked for just a bit more, just to get the formal stuff going, and Virgil could finally leave. He had to actually, as his break was over. He was glad he got this over with. That was one step closer to finally leaving this job behind him. It was something that, in all honesty, he had never expected to happen. But he was glad that it did.

When his shift was over, Virgil nervously stepped out of the shop and looked around, spotting Roman standing not far away. He was typing something on his phone, a smile on his face. He looked absolutely gorgeous. Virgil rarely got to see him like this, his focus elsewhere, a happy smile directed at whatever he saw in front of him. Usually, when they were together, Roman would have all his focus on Virgil, wanting to make the most of the little time they had together. He rarely focussed on something else. All Virgil wanted was to pause time for a moment, to look at his boyfriend’s face, to remember how happy he looked at this moment. He had never looked this gorgeous.

But Virgil knew he couldn’t keep staring forever. People would get suspicious. With a short sigh, he walked up to Roman, scraping his throat to silently announce his presence. Roman looked up and smiled when he saw his partner and future assistant.

“Virgil! There you are!” he smiled. “Let me just finish this message, and we’ll be ready to go.”

As he returned his attention to his phone, thumbs quickly typing the ending of the message, Virgil bit his lip.

“You really think we should do this?” Virgil asked softly. “I mean… I don’t usually- I don’t exactly fit in with the people who… who generally get… laptops and stuff, so… you know?”

“Hey, it’s fine, Virgil,” Roman reassured the other with a kind smile as he slipped the phone in the pocket of his coat. “I’m there with you. I’m sure they’ll be looking at me more than you- that came out wrong, I didn’t-”

“You’re good,” Virgil said with a nod. “I understand you. You sure I should do this? I don’t know how it works…”

“Then I can teach you!” the actor smiled. “It’s all going to be fine, Virgil, trust me. You’ll have time to figure this out. No pressure.”

Virgil looked up at Roman, managing a careful smile. He still wasn’t looking forwards to the shopping. He never did – tech shops were usually for the higher classes. And he wasn’t one of those classes. People would look at him, judge him. Thinking about how he didn’t belong there. But if Roman was there… maybe it wouldn’t be as bad.

“Fine,” he sighed with a nod. He could try, for Roman.

“Splendid!” the other beamed. “Let’s go, then!”

 

Virgil followed Roman to one of the more expensive parts of the town’s shopping centre. He had never been there by himself – he didn’t feel safe there. A small LMC, in the middle of a higher class shopping centre? That would be a death wish. Not that Virgil didn’t have one, but there were much more pleasant ways to die.

Even now, with Roman by his side, Virgil felt uncomfortable. He was so out of place here. He was sure that people would be staring at him, looking, wondering why someone like him was in a place like this. At least no one would dare touch him with Roman there with him. He hoped. 

Roman brought Virgil to this fancy-looking store, with more high-tech products than he had ever seen in his life. Even the shop where he’d bought his phone wasn’t this fancy. The actor, noticing Virgil’s discomfort, shot him a reassuring smile as he walked up to a female behind one of the many small counters in the shop.

“Good morning, sir,” she grinned, not sparing Virgil a single glance as she spoke. And to be fair, Virgil was fine with that. He’d rather be ignored than judged. “How may I help you?”

“Well, we’re looking for a laptop,” Roman said in response, glancing to Virgil for a second. “My assistant – or future assistant, I should say – will need one for his job, so I was thinking maybe… I don’t know, a laptop with one of those new processors? What’s the name… x-10?”

“X-10, indeed,” the woman nodded with a fake smile. She looked at Virgil for a single second, but long enough to completely judge him. “Are you sure your assistant can afford that, though? It’s the newest technology and not exactly cheap. I think you might want to try something less… ambitious.”

Virgil cringed as he recognized her sickly sweet tone. She tried her best to _sound_ polite, as if she hoped that keeping a sweet voice would be able to mask her comment, as if Virgil wouldn’t _understand_ what she was saying. If he could, he would fight her right then, right there – or at least give her a stern lecture – but he knew it wasn’t an option. She was a UMC, maybe even a UC. He had a disadvantage already. For him, disrespecting the higher classes in any way was a near death sentence.

“I will pay for this,” Roman answered shortly, and Virgil detected a certain edge to his voice. Had he figured out the woman’s façade as well? “Virgil should need an appropriate laptop do properly do his job. Price doesn’t matter. What’s the best you’ve got?”

“Well… let me see what we have for you,” the woman murmured as she started typing on the laptop next to her. “Well, we’ve got the Abis-I New Generation laptop, with an x-10 processor, like you said. Long battery life, which makes it ideal for professional use. It has quite a lot of storage space, and is generally easy to use,” she momentarily glanced as Virgil as she said that. “I think it is the best match for you. Like I said, it’s made with the newest technology, so you’ll be able to use this for a long time without major issues. Though it is almost four thousand dollars, due to the processor and some other features.”

“That won’t be a problem,” Roman shrugged, as Virgil raised his eyebrows. Roman could _not_ spend four grand on him! That was _way_ too much. Though the actor did not seem to care much. “Are there any other suitable options?”

“Well, this one is the most fitted to your needs,” the saleswoman responded. “But of course, there are a few other options.”

At Roman’s request, she named a few other brands, describing all the laptops with terms Virgil had never heard before, and for a few moments, he wondered why Roman had even invited him. He wasn’t exactly a technical guy, he didn’t know anything about laptops. Roman would be better off if he did this alone. But then again… they were trying to get a laptop for _Virgil_ , so maybe he’d have to be there. Even if he was too stupid to offer any input. He’d take any laptop, as long as they’d tell him it’s good.

“Can we see the- eh… what was it called again? The- the first one,” Roman brought out as the girl had finished her talks about different laptops.

“The Abis-I New Gen?” she filled in. “Of course! Follow me.”

 

She walked away from her tiny desk and led the two men to another room in the shop, where they kept all their technological devices. Mumbling under her breath, the woman led them to wherever they had their laptops and pulled out one of those… those 4k dollar laptops. Virgil had to admit it looked pretty. An almost silver colour, not too big. It wasn’t bad at all. But he didn’t want Roman to spend so much money on him. Even if he could easily afford it, Virgil would just feel bad.

“I’d say it looks great,” Roman commented. “What about you, Virge… -il. What do you think?”

“Well, it sure is the best laptop I’ve seen,” Virgil said. “But… that doesn’t mean a lot, coming from me. I mean- it looks good, but… isn’t it a bit expensive?”

“Don’t worry about that!” the actor countered. “Let me commit acts of charity in peace, I’m gonna buy you a laptop one way or another, you can’t stop me.”

“Is that what you think of me?” Virgil asked. “A charity case?”

“Wha- no! No, I’m sorry,” Roman rushed, “I just- I mean, I want to help people! And getting you this laptop would really help you.”

“Can’t you help me with a cheaper laptop?”

“Technically, I can,” the older man nodded. “But if you get a newer laptop, you’ll be able to use it for a few years without issues, otherwise you’ll get problems sooner.”

Virgil bit his lip, looking at the laptop. He knew Roman was right, but he also couldn’t let Roman spend so much money on him. He kept silent for a few moments, before sighing.

“Fine, do… do whatever,” he finally conceded, causing the actor to smile.

“We’ll take this one, then,” he told the female in front of him. She nodded, leading the two men back to her desk. Virgil kept quiet as Roman bought the laptop, along with a few necessary extras, like a mouse, a laptop bag, virus scanner, et cetera. All that added up to a price way over four thousand dollars. And God, Virgil felt bad about it, despite Roman’s insisting that it was _fine_.

But, nevertheless, the two of them soon found themselves outside the shop with all the things Roman had bought.

“You really didn’t have to do this, you know?” Virgil muttered, not looking at Roman as they walked away from the store.

“I know,” Roman said with a nod. “But I wanted to do it.”

Virgil couldn’t counter that comment in any way. He tried to think of something, but finally just gave in with a sigh.

“Fine,” he sighed, “thank you, though.”

“It’s nothing,” the actor said with that gorgeous smile of his. “Now, you obviously need to get familiar with this piece of technology. So, what do you say? Trust me enough to take it to your place?” He winked at his partner and smiled at him, awaiting a response. Virgil just… blanked. Taking Roman to his apartment was… in all honesty, he had dreamed of something like that, so they could pretend to be a real couple, even if it was just for a few moments. But on the other hand, he didn’t want to show Roman how he lived. His apartment was in a terrible state, it was cold, not very pretty, and tiny. It was one of the best things he could afford, but… showing that to Roman? He wasn’t sure.

And on top of that, Virgil was afraid the State would notice something. It didn’t seem like a normal thing to do for employers – especially UCs, and especially when the other party was an LMC. Maybe it was a very Roman-thing to do, Virgil wasn’t sure. But even with that in mind… he was terrified the State would notice something between them. The threat was always there, in a way it was even bigger now that they were going to work together. It gave the State more opportunities to spy on them, and while Virgil was more than happy to be around Roman more… he was scared. He always was, of course, but this… this amplified his feelings. It was confusing.

“Virgil?” Roman’s voice called gently, pulling Virgil out of his thoughts. The younger man looked up at the other with wide eyes, looking like a deer in headlights as he quickly remembered the question Roman had asked.

“I- eh… don’t know,” Virgil stammered. “I mean, it’s not that I… not that I don’t trust you, but… my apartment isn’t… the- the best, you know? It’s pretty small, and the heater isn’t working, and I don’t have a lot of-”

“None of those are problems to me, Virgil,” Roman reassured the other. “I don’t care.”

“Do you- do you think we should, though?” the smaller male asked, looking around. He felt uneasy, like someone was watching him. “Don’t you think it’s eh- inappropriate?”

“I wouldn’t say so. It’s merely professional, right? I’m just helping you so you can get used to technology and you won’t have to struggle once you get started on your job.”

“Right…” Virgil nodded slowly. “I mean- I mean, you can come. I don’t have- I can’t be a good host, though. I don’t really… have a lot of stuff.”

“That’s fine, Virgil, I don’t mind. Trust me.”

Virgil absently reached up to scratch his wrist, but caught himself before he could and just nodded.

“Fine then,” he mumbled. “We can… go to my place. Just… be careful.”

“What do you mean?” Roman asked with a frown.

“Well, you are an Upper Classer, and you look like it,” Virgil explained. “I don’t live in the best neighbourhood in town. I’ve never really had any troubles myself but… people might be desperate. I- I don’t know. You’re rich, and well… we aren’t. Just saying.”

“I think I can take care of myself,” the actor smiled. “But thanks for your worry.”

Virgil just nodded with a smile as he led Roman out of the centre, towards his own home.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:Swearing, panic attack, mentions of violence and murder, mentions of hate-language. I think that's it but let me know if I need to tag anything!
> 
> Note: Here is a very long, dialogue-heavy chapter. I wanted to split it in half, but I couldn't really find a place where I felt I could end it. So have the longest chapter I have written for any fic ever :D It also includes two of my favourite pieces of dialogue I have written for this fic, and a few of my favourite Prinxiety moments, so a lot of favourites here. I hope you guys will enjoy despite the incredivle length of the chapter

Their walk was mostly silent, but it was a comfortable silence. They could enjoy each other’s company, and they didn’t have to be worried about blowing their cover. Slowly but surely, the centre’s shops made way for the UMC buildings. And slowly but surely, the buildings got smaller, and their state worsened. Virgil glanced up at Roman, half-expecting the actor to look around him in disgust, but he didn’t even seem bothered by the state of his surroundings. But then again, he might be internalising his disgust.

“Well, eh- there’s my building,” he muttered as he saw the building looming in the distance. He gestured towards it and started walking in the direction of said building. It wasn’t exactly a pretty building, or a modern one, but it was… it was a roof above his head. Roman nodded and followed Virgil towards the apartment building, not making a single comment as he did so.

 

Virgil opened the door and allowed Roman to enter first, pointing him to the stairs as they silently walked in said direction.

“Got a guest over, Virgil?” called Eric, the receptionist as they passed the desk he stood at.

“You got it,” Virgil nodded to him. “It’s a- a work thing.”

“Didn’t know Harvey’s did business which fancy-folks.”

“ _Future_ job, Eric.” Virgil corrected, he didn’t look back as he continued up the stairs. “Try to keep up a bit. But, I need to say that he _does_ shop there.”

“Does he now?” Eric smiled. “Good to know.”

Virgil rolled his eyes and said no more as he continued walking up the stairs.

 

“Fancy-folks?” Roman asked softly as they were out of earshot, a small smile on his face.

“Yeah, it’s what people call UCs and higher UMCs around here,” Virgil explained. “Cause you look all fancy and stuff, you see?”

“Makes sense,” Roman nodded, making his way up the stairs. “It sounds pretty cute, actually.”

“Better than what you lot call us, at least.” Virgil’s tone was light, but there was more to it. A hint of bitterness, because of course he’d be bitter about the nicknames higher classes gave them. If they even bothered to call them anything, that is.

“Can’t say I disagree,” the actor muttered, “I don’t use them though, I don’t know why people would use words like… like those.”

“It’s easy. They hate us. Think we don’t deserve to live. It sucks, but that’s the truth. That’s why they do it.”

“And you don’t hate us?”

“No. Most of us don’t, at least. We envy you,” Virgil shrugged. “Because you won’t ever have to struggle in your life. You get paid more than we would ever get, even when working the same job. Of course, there are the assholes. We do hate those. And there’s people who are bitter about everything and hate you guys in general, but I haven’t met a lot of those. We can’t afford to be hateful of others. We need to take care of ourselves, and those around us. That’s my experience, anyways. We’ve got some ugly nicknames, too.”

“Like what?”

“You want to know?”

“Duh, I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t.”

“Alright, eh…” Virgil bit his lip as he thought about it for a bit. “Well, if there’s an asshole UC, we usually call them magpie-shit, or magpie-ass. You know, referring to magpies- ah you probably understand it anyways. They’re greedy – you know, magpies – and they’re… well, an ass, or they’re shit. Which is like one of the worst insults for anyone.”

“Really? It doesn’t sound that bad.”

“Not for you, perhaps. But for us… it’s a pretty bad one. It’s like… like a- a whole different culture, I guess. We also use it to describe thieves, even from our own classes. Magpie, that is. Some people use it as a verb to say they’re robbed.”

“What? Like, ‘I got magpied’?”

“Sort of. They mostly use ‘I was’, though. Or they say ‘someone magpied me’, works too.”

“That is so fascinating,” Roman mumbled as he followed Virgil. They had reached Virgil’s floor and headed for the door, Virgil still heavily self-conscious. “It’s so… different.”

“Yeah,” Virgil nodded, searching for his keys. “That’s what happens, I guess. We live in different worlds.”

“You’re right,” Roman nodded. Virgil eventually opened his door, stepping inside. He was very aware of how tiny his apartment was, and how shitty it looked. Roman had said he was okay with it, but even then, he was painfully aware of everything.

“Don’t mind… everything,” he spoke as he waited for Roman to enter. “I don’t exactly have the money to make it look pretty.”

“I don’t mind, Virgil,” Roman reassured the other, and Virgil couldn’t help but notice how much he loved hearing his partner say his name. “I actually think it’s quite cute.”

“You do?” Virgil asked with a soft scoff. “You’d be the only one.”

“I mean, sure! It’s different from what I’m used to, but that doesn’t mean anything,” the actor shrugged. “I like it.”

“Well… thanks, I guess,” the LMC muttered. “You can sit down in… one of the two chairs. There’s not a lot of choice around.”

“Seems like there’s more than enough,” Roman smiled. He sat down on the furthest of the two chairs, looking around the apartment. It was easy to say that it’s way smaller than he was used to – he probably had rooms bigger than this entire apartment alone – but it was cute. It was a kind of cosy he never got to experience. Being a UC – and a rich one, even for most UCs – meant big, bigger, biggest. Ever since his birth. His father was a CEO of a big tech company and his mother a famous pianist. She toured the world, until she got pregnant with Roman. With those people as his parents, he’d never been used to a modest lifestyle. Fancy business parties, large, unnecessary decorations. Gold, marble, silver. That was what he was used to. That’s what his parents showed him, and it was all he had ever known. Even after he had moved out, he hadn’t had to struggle. With the money his parents gave him and the money he had made in the movies he was in, even before his eighteenth birthday, he already knew he would have no need to worry about living. The first house he rented could easily fit Virgil’s apartment multiple times. It was weird. The two of them were raised in opposite environments. Roman, never having to worry about a thing. He could afford anything he could possibly wish for, and would never have to give up heat or save up for new clothing just so he could keep living. Virgil, on the other hand, could never be sure. He had to keep track of every bit of money he got and spent, just to make sure he’d have enough to eat, enough to pay the rent. They were polar opposites. And yet, they found each other. Despite their differences, some kind of fate pushed them together. And Roman couldn’t be happier about it. He couldn’t wish for a boyfriend more amazing than Virgil. If only they could be open about it. If only they could marry.

It was odd. From the moment he’d first seen Virgil, he knew he wasn’t rich. He had always known. Virgil had told him about how he struggled with money, about his problems. Roman knew Virgil was… well… poor. But, for some reason, it never really registered. He never really thought about it, or Virgil’s life outside of their meetings. He never really thought about how Virgil must live in one of the poorer parts of town, or about how small his apartment would be. Roman didn’t know _why_ , but the realisation only hit him now.

 

Virgil sat down on the other chair, looking at Roman as he studied the apartment. He was still extremely self-conscious about it. It was weird, having Roman here. And on top of that, he grew only more aware of the state of his apartment, despite Roman insisting that it didn’t matter to him. Virgil was sure that he was used to something much prettier, much richer. And he couldn’t exactly afford that. Ever.  

“Anyways,” he said quickly, shifting a bit. “Laptop?”

“Oh, right,” Roman nodded, flinching slightly as he woke up from his temporary daze. “Laptop. Eh- do you have a power outlet around?”

He picked up the laptop and some other extras, plugging in the charger.

“Yeah, behind you.”

“Great, thanks.” Roman plugged the charger into the power outlet. “Okay, we just have to wait a few minutes, before it’s charged a bit so we can turn it on and get started.”

Virgil and shifted in his chair. “Well… want something to drink? I- I only have water though, I’m sorry.”

“That’s fine, Virgil,” the actor said with a reassuring smile as he ran a hand through his faded purple hair. “Water sounds good.”

The LMC nodded and walked to his kitchen, filling two glasses with water as Roman started up the laptop.

 

The rest of that afternoon was filled with Roman helping Virgil figure out how the laptop worked, set up an email address, and installing some software. It was quite a complicated piece of technology, but Virgil believed – hoped – that he could figure out how it worked soon enough. He’d have to, at least.

But eventually, Roman had to leave. He had a life outside of this, after all.

 

“Well, I guess I will see you next week, then,” he said with a smile as he got up to leave. “I’ll have to look at my schedule, and I’ll let you know when we’ll pick you up, alright?”

“Good enough,” Virgil nodded. He opened the door and looked at Roman with a careful smile. “Watch out for the people out there. Like I said… not the best neighbourhood.”

“I think I will be fine, Virgil,” Roman said as he stepped out in the hallway. “But thank you.”

 

The next few days were some of the easiest days at his job. Knowing that he would soon be out of this place, knowing he’d be able to see Roman more often soon, that made it all so much easier.

On his final day – as if he knew it – Logan stopped by. It was something he did more often. He’d visit one of the rebels at their job to see if they were still there, to see if they were still alive. There was some sort of rhythm behind his actions, but Virgil never could figure it out. It was pleasant to see a familiar face every once in a while, though.

 

At the end of the day, Virgil stayed longer than he usually did, just so he could make sure to tell everyone goodbye. The people he talked to, at least. He hugged Daya and James, promising them he’d see them soon enough, but soon enough he really had to leave. He couldn’t afford to miss the news, after all. He really couldn’t stay any longer.

And that concluded his last day at Harvey’s.

The night before his first day as Roman’s assistant, Virgil went to bed early, as he’d have to get up at five the next day. But, even though he went to bed around eleven pm, he didn’t fall asleep until well after midnight. He didn’t sleep badly though, despite the short duration. In fact, he had slept better than he had in a while.

He was woken up by the sound of his alarm clock, and his first instinct was to roll onto his other side and keep sleeping, but he soon enough remembered. He was supposed to be prepared for work. His first day with Roman.

 

A mix of excitement and anxiety overcame him. He had been looking forwards to this day, but at the same time, he dreaded it. He was so, so happy to finally work with Roman, be around him for a long time, be around him in _public_. But at the same time, he’d be around UCs – and maybe higher up UMCs – all day. And there was no way of knowing what they would be like. If they would be assholes, if they would be kind, or if they wouldn’t even pay attention to him. But he was about to find out that day. He just hoped they wouldn’t be assholes. Anything else, he could deal with. Anything else would be… okay.

 

Not long before Roman would come to pick him up, Virgil was stood outside the building, waiting. It was cold, but Virgil noticed that it was slowly getting warmer. The wind wasn’t as cold as it was a few weeks ago. It was pleasant.

Just a few minutes later, a black car stopped in front of him, and Virgil knew it had to be Roman even before the actor rolled down his window. Cars didn’t usually pass here, so it was the only option. But, if he didn’t know, Roman quickly opened his window to make sure Virgil knew the car was for him. Virgil smiled and walked to the other side of the car, so he could get in.

“Hey, Virgil,” Roman smiled as the LMC got in the car, “ready for today?”

“I… guess so,” he muttered, “anxious, but… well, that’s not new.” He scoffed softly as he fumbled with the seatbelt. He noticed Roman was wearing one, so he reasoned he’d need one too. Only, he’d never been in a car before, so he wasn’t exactly familiar with it.

“Need some help with that?” Roman asked with a smile as he looked at Virgil’s struggle with the seatbelt.

“I- eh- maybe?” Virgil looked up sheepishly as Roman helped him with his seatbelt. God, he felt like a child. “I’m sorry, I- I have never been in a car, I-”

“It’s fine, Virgil,” the actor interrupted with a soft – but not malicious – chuckle. “It’s strangely endearing.”

Virgil snorted softly and looked away. How was he supposed to respond to a comment like _that_? He was absolutely rubbish at this. So instead of a comment, he just… looked at his hands as the car slowly started to move again.

It was a weird sensation, but Virgil found he quite enjoyed looking at the world passing by, more quickly than he could ever move himself. He loved it.

 

“I knew that you sounded familiar,” the driver spoke after a short silence, “I’m sorry- as Roman didn’t introduce me, I’ll do it myself. It’s Mitch.”

Virgil looked up at the comment, squinting slightly as he thought.

“Wait… Mitch… Jones?”

“The one and only,” Mitch grinned, “I knew it had to be you. You haven’t changed a bit.”

“You guys know each other?” Roman asked, looking at the two men.

“We went to high school together,” Virgil nodded. “Haven’t seen him since graduation, though.”

“Small world, huh?” Mitch commented as he stopped in front of a red light. “What have you been up to, V?”

“Well, I chased my dreams of becoming homeless and unemployed for a year,” Virgil scoffed as he pulled at the sleeves of his coat. “I decided that wasn’t it, though. So then I got a job at Harvey’s, and… now this. What about you?”

“Well, I got my license after high school,” Mitch explained. “And then I got this job. Oh, and do you remember Kaitlyn?”

“Kaitlyn Parsley?” Virgil asked, vaguely remembering the girl. They’d never really talked, but they knew of each other’s existence.

“Yep.”

“Yeah, I do,” he nodded. “What’s with her?”

“We’re engaged.” Virgil raised his eyebrows at the comment, both in surprise and in confusion.

“What, you and _Kaitlyn_?” he asked, incredulous. Roman was looked between the two men, following their conversation with amused confusion.

“Yeah,” Mitch smiled. “Why are you so surprised? Think she’s too good for me? Cause I’d agree.”

“No, that’s, no,” Virgil said, stumbling over his own words. “I just thought she’d be… too gay for you.” “Oh- okay, that’s valid.” The driver snorted. “I’m not sure if it’s my place to tell you, but… then again… I practically already told you… and she’s pretty open about it, so… I think she’d be okay with it…” He paused for a while as he tapped the steering wheel. “Yeah, okay, she’s bisexual.”

“Aah, it’s all good then,” the other nodded with a smile. “Congratulations! I’m happy for you guys.”

“Wait, you’re engaged?” Roman interrupted. “Congratulations! I’m sorry- I’m not eavesdropping.”

“Thank you,” Mitch said, laughing softly at Roman’s comment. “Anyways, how about you, Virge? Got a… a girlfriend?”

“Nah,” Virgil said without missing a beat. “I’m gay.” Normally he’d be more cautious bringing this up to people, but he knew Mitch and trusted him. And besides, he’d always been supportive of Kaitlyn. When she identified as gay, and now that she identified as bi. That would mean something, right?

“I knew it.” Virgil chuckled at the muttered response and raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

“I just…” Mitch hesitated as he tried to figure out the best way to formulate the answer to Virgil’s question. “I always had a suspicion you weren’t straight.”

“Really?” Virgil asked slowly, tilting his head a little. “You figured it out years before I did, then.”

“I did?”

“Yeah, I only figured it out like… last year.” Virgil avoided Roman’s eyes as he voiced the response, though he could practically _feel_ his boyfriend’s eyes on him.

“Oh dang,” the driver whistled. “Well, have a boyfriend then?”

“I wish,” the older LMC looked at Roman for just a fraction of a second as he answered. “There- there was one guy I spotted once who… who was pretty cute, but I- well, I didn’t ask him out or anything, so…”

“Aw, you should have.”

“Me? Talking to people?” Virgil repeated with a scoff. “Remember who you’re talking to?”

“Yeah… you’re right,” Mitch mused softly, “but… point still stands. You could have tried? Could’ve gotten you a boyfriend.”

“I know, but talking to people just isn’t my forte,” the assistant said. “Talking to attractive people even less. But who knows?” He shrugged as he looked at Roman for a moment. “Maybe one day.”

 

The car ride to the studio was… an experience, to say the least. It was a weird sensation, being in this moving vehicle. But, Virgil enjoyed the sight of the outside view passing by. He’d never really been out of town, so all of this was a new experience. Though it was still dark out, and he could only see in the light of an occasional streetlight, he greatly enjoyed the bit he _did_ see.

And when they made it to the studio… safe to say he was impressed by the large building in front of him. Even just the – relatively mundane – exterior was imposing.

“Damn,” he muttered as he looked at the large studio. “Is this… normal?”

“Actually, it’s a little below average,” Roman answered, chuckling at Virgil’s response. “A lot of the studios are bigger – the bigger ones, at least. Of course, there’s smaller studios, but they’re mostly used for the stuff they show _you_. The big movies; the international ones, and the UC ones, they’re all recorded in big studios like these.”

“International?” Virgil asked, struggling to undo his seatbelt. “Have you been in an international movie.”

“You bet I have,” Roman grinned. “I had a small role in a few international movies when I was a kid – but those were tiny roles. And a few of my bigger ones, I do believe. I’ve never been abroad, though. I’d love to do that. Need some help with that, by the way?” he added, gesturing to the seatbelt Virgil was, once again, struggling with.

“I’m fine,” Virgil muttered, trying to undo it by himself. It took him a few tries, but he finally succeeded. “See?”

Roman chuckled and opened his door, Virgil quickly doing the same.

“Thank you, Mitch,” Roman said quickly, “see you tonight.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Virgil nodded. “Good to catch up.”

“It’s no problem,” the driver smiled at the two men. “I’ll see you two tonight!”

As they closed the doors, the black car drove away. Virgil noticed a few cars and vans in the parking lot, but it was pretty empty.

“So, waking up wasn’t a problem?” Roman asked as they made their way to the studio.

“Not really,” Virgil shrugged. “I’m used to that. Falling asleep was more of a problem. But I’m used to that too, so it’s all good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I usually don’t sleep a lot. Either that or I oversleep,” he muttered. “I’m used to having no schedule.”

“Doesn’t really sound… healthy?” Roman opened the door to the studio, allowing Virgil to enter.

“Yeah, I think you would say that about more of my lifestyle,” the LMC scoffed. “But it… it’s fine. I can deal with this. Not like I have any say in the matter.”

 

The hallways were small, but not _too_ small. They weren’t so crowded that Virgil felt suffocated, but he’d prefer it if they were a bit bigger. But he could deal with this. However, he wasn’t sure if he could navigate himself through the hallways. They were all pretty similar, and he was surprised Roman knew his way around.

“Here’s my dressing room.” Roman broke the silence that fell between then as he stopped in front of a door with his name on it. He knocked with a smile before opening the door. “Did you miss me?” he called out loudly as he entered. Virgil followed carefully, hands in the pockets of his coat. In the dressing room, there were two people. A blonde woman with her hair tied back into a pony tail, and a brown-haired male who didn’t have his hair tied back into a pony tail because it was too short for that.

“Oh God, it’s that fucker again,” the woman said, rolling her eyes with a smile on her face, when her eyes noticed Virgil. “Oh, and a new fucker! Hey there.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s Virgil,” Roman quickly said, noticing Virgil’s anxious smile. “My new assistant. Virgil, meet Elisa and Jay – but they’ll also listen to Jaylisa. They are my make-up artists.”

“Hey, awesome to meet you!” Jay smiled broadly.

“Y-yeah, you too,” Virgil nodded softly. “Sorry, I- I get pretty anxious.”

“Ah that’s fine,” Elisa said reassuringly. “We don’t bite. Cause we’re not paid for it. All we’re paid to do, is to make Roman look pretty. Or horrible, in some cases.”

“What? So, you’d bite if you got paid for it?” Roman asked with a scoff.

“I mean, I’d at least consider it.”

“Like you need the money,” the actor said as he sat down on a chair. “You can afford to bite people without getting paid for it.”

“Yeah, but I don’t like biting,” Elisa shrugged. “If I’d get paid, I’d think about it. Why are we talking about biting anyways? I wanna make a good first impression on eh- Virgil.”

“Good first impression? You? That’s contradictory,” Jay teased with a grin. Elisa scoffed and looked around for something to throw. When she couldn’t find anything that didn’t have the possibility of hurting Jay, she just scoffed, flipping him off.

“Fuck you,” she muttered as her friend chuckled.

“I’m sorry about them,” Roman interrupted as he looked at Virgil with a smile. “I’d say they’re usually more normal but... they’re not. If it gets too overwhelming, then…”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Virgil muttered in response as he sat down on one of the empty tables in the room. “I think I- I can handle it. B- but thanks.”

“So, what have we got for today?” Jay mused as he looked at a paper on the wall. “Just some scars, I guess. Nice.”

“Scars are Jay’s favourite,” Elisa told Virgil, just loud enough for the other to hear. “I think he gets off of it.”

“I do not,” Jay retorted, holding back a laugh. “Would you please stop telling people I do?”

“No.” Virgil smiled at the banter between the two make-up artists. Honestly, things weren’t so bad here. If this was what he had to endure for a living… he could very well live with that. Even though he was anxious about meeting all these new people – most, if not all of them, of a higher class than he was – but this was surprisingly okay. Jay and Elisa were really sweet and they were quite laid back, too. They seemed to accept him right away, and that was something that relieved Virgil. He had been afraid that no one would really accept his presence here, being a mere LMC. But at least a few people did. And on top of that, it seemed they were trying to make him comfortable, to make sure he wasn’t that one guy who’s on the side lines, never really participating. They were sweet.

“Alright Ro,” Jay called, turning around to look at the actor. “You should probably get changed soon so we can get started on your make-up and get you done before Blake murders us for taking too long.”

“Right,” Roman nodded with a scoff. “I’m on it.”

 

The actor got up to his costumes, which he had all hung on a clothes rack to pick out the one he’d be wearing for most of that day. As Roman changed into his shirt, Virgil couldn’t help but glance at his – now very shirtless – boyfriend. First of all, he admired how Roman felt comfortable enough to change in front of them, without hiding behind a screen. Second of all, he just enjoyed the view. He wasn’t lying about that.

But soon enough, he feared he’d get too suspicious, so he looked away. Just in time to see Elisa shot him a quick wink, but she didn’t speak up. Instead, she just turned away and went back to getting the make-up for the day ready.

Soon enough, Roman had changed into his outfit – a simple red sweater with black jeans, nothing too complicated – and he silently sat down again, waiting for the two make-up artists to get started.

“Are we doing make-up too?” Elisa asked Jay, looking up at the other. “Like… do we go natural or give him a- a _look_?”

“I think a _look_ sounds good,” Jay said. He was looking over some notes they had made, along with a number of pictures they had made before, to see exactly what the scars should look like and where they should be. “Fits the character, right?”

“Oh, totally,” Elisa nodded as she got out a few lipsticks. “Hm… red or black? What should we do? Ro, what do you say? It’s your character, what would he do?”

“I wanna say he’d do black…” the man mused. “I think he could do both, but he’s on a mission here. Red is to look fabulous and all, but black just… slays. You know?”

“Oh, I _do_ know,” the female agreed. “Black it is. How about eyes? Jay? What looks best on him?”

“I’d go either big with like… blue, or silver, or have some more modest colours like brown or a bit of gold,” Jay responded quickly. “I think silver or gold will look good with the outfit.”

“Hmm… gold?” Elisa asked, turning to Roman with a slightly tilted head. The actor was quick to agree and as Elisa started with the base and some of the make-up, Jay was getting ready to make create the scars. Virgil just watched, looking at the process. He was completely unfamiliar with any of this, so it was interesting to see. He had seen Roman wearing make-up before, and he had often wished he could try it himself, but he had never seen someone apply it. And on top of that, he had never seen anyone making fake scars, so all of this was totally new to him.

 

When the two were done with their make-up, Virgil couldn’t believe that what he was seeing. First of all, Roman looked _stunning_ with this new make-up and Virgil was so incredibly gay for this man. Unbelievable. What a gay.

Second of all, the scars Jay had made looked so, so real. Virgil couldn’t believe that they weren’t there to begin with. Virgil would’ve bought it if someone told him they were real.

“Did you really make those scars?” Virgil questioned as Roman got up to read over a few notes in his script. “They look so… _real_.”

“Yeah,” Jay nodded, putting away the make-up, “well… it’s my job to make this look good, after all.”

“I get that,” the LMC shrugged, “but… I don’t watch a lot of tv, but the few things I’ve seen, they- they don’t look nearly as good as this!”

“That’s probably because the things they show you have a lower budget,” Elisa explained. “And, if I’m being honest, they have crappier make-up artists, and crappier make-up. They don’t seem to care about making it as good as these productions.”

“That… makes- makes sense, I guess,” Virgil muttered softly. “People seem to care more about all of you than about us anyways. Figures they’d spend more on you.”

“I mean… I wouldn’t say they don’t _care_ ,” Elisa brought in, “I mean… no, you’re right, there’s no way to phrase this without sounding incredibly rude. They do put the lesser cast and crew on LC and LMC shows. And I need to say, these kind of movies and shows are way better organised and taken care of. LMC movies are… messy. I never really questioned it, but there really is a difference. You know… I think you’re the only LMC around here.”

“Well… way to make me feel… special?”

“You’re super special,” Jay chimed in with a smile.

Virgil scoffed. “Yeah, right.”

“It’s true. Don’t question it.”

“I- eh… I’ll try my best,” Virgil responded with a careful smile.

“I’ll take it.”

 

“Well, Virgil, we should get to the set,” Roman smiled after a brief silence. “As always, thank you for the… the _look_.”

“No problem,” Jay smiled, tipping an imaginary fedora. Roman rolled his eyes with a smile before turning to his assistant.

“Shall we, Virgil?”

“Oh- yeah,” he nodded. He jumped off the table, walking up to Roman. “Lead the way, then.”

“Of course,” Roman said. He walked towards the door, opening it for Virgil. “After you.”

“Thank you.” Virgil walked out of the dressing room, waiting for Roman to follow so he could lead him through the maze that was the studio.

“So, what do you think of them?” Roman asked his assistant as they walked towards the set. In the distance, Virgil could hear voices and other noises. “They’re not… too much?”

“Nah, I think they’re cool,” Virgil shrugged. “They seem kind. I like them.”

“That’s good,” the actor nodded. “They’re good people. I think they are, at least.”

“I think you are right.”

Silence fell between the two, but soon enough they reached the set. It seemed they were just wrapping up a scene as the duo arrived. Awfully coincidental.

“Well, here’s the set,” Roman announced as they arrived. “The main set, at least. There’s a few more, but I don’t usually go there.”

Virgil nodded as he looked around. The room was big, filled with sets, props, tech, and a lot of people. Cast, crew, it was quite a lot of people.

 

“Alright people, I think we’ve got it,” someone with pastel blue hair shouted to a few people. “Take five, then we’ll get to the scene with Felix and Victor.”

They turned around as they spoke, eyes lighting up when they found Roman.

“Ro, there you are!” they called with a smile as they approached. When they stopped in front of the duo, their eyes quickly scanning Virgil. “You brought someone?”

“Yeah, my assistant,” Roman nodded quickly. “Virgil. I hope it’s no problem that he’s here with me?”

“As long as he doesn’t get in the way of filming, all’s good,” Blake nodded, looking at Virgil with a smile. He wasn’t sure if it was a genuine one or not. “Hi, by the way. I’m Blake Henderson, the director of all this. I’m genderqueer, but she/her pronouns for now, until I tell you otherwise.”

“Alright,” Virgil said with a nod. “Virgil. But- you know, I guess. Eh- it’s n- nice to meet you.”

“Yeah,” Blake nodded. “Ro, can you come with me? I need to discuss the scene with you and By.”

“Of course,” Roman agreed. “Virge, you can just… do whatever, okay? Do whatever you have to do, but don’t get lost.”

Virgil smiled and nodded as Roman followed his director. When he was alone, the young man sighed and walked over to a wall on the other side of the set, where he could still see Roman. Walls made him feel safer, for some reason. No one could sneak up on him from behind, and that thought was oddly comforting.

 

He sat down as he looked at Roman, talking with Blake and another guy – By, he thought. He was so lost in thought he nearly didn’t see someone walking up to him.

“Hey,” a soft voice said next to him. Virgil looked up, caught off guard by the voice. He saw a blonde female standing next to him, looking at him with a smile. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around.”

“O- oh yeah, no you- you’re right,” Virgil stammered as he quickly got up – it was only polite. “I- I’m Virgil. Roman’s ass- assistant.”

“Ah, he mentioned getting an assistant,” the woman said, holding out her hand. “I’m Venitia. Aidan. One of Roman’s co-stars.”

“Nice to- to meet you,” Virgil said as he shook her hand. “Sorry, I- I’m just anx- anxious.”

“It’s alright,” Venitia said, smiling brightly. “I get it. Don’t worry.”

Virgil managed a smile at the actress as he nodded slightly in acknowledgement. There was something about her that was calming right away. He felt comfortable at once. Her aura was just calming to him.

Venitia sat down on the floor and Virgil soon followed. They didn’t speak, but they both just stared in the distance, minding their own thoughts. It was quite comforting, really.

 

Soon enough, Roman and By – Venitia told Virgil that his full name was Byron – started walking though the scene, with Blake changing a few things last minute before they could start recording. And Virgil couldn’t stop himself from watching. He’d thought of watching Roman act so many times, and it was everything he had imagined and way more. He didn’t just get to see his boyfriend acting, but he could see him having fun, laughing and messing around. Even when his character and Byron’s didn’t seem to get along, the actors did. Even if their characters did fight. The scene had to be re-done a few times, and Blake changed just a few more things, giving the two a bit more time to perfect their fight. It was weird.

“Like what you see, Virgil?” Venitia suddenly interrupted his thinking innocently with a smile. Virgil flinched – he had nearly forgotten the woman was there in the first place. He could practically feel his heartrate speeding up. But it was fine. He was fine. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was going to be fine. He just had to breathe.

“Yeah, I- eh, it’s in- interesting to see,” he brought out with a nod, looking back to the scene the two actors were performing. “I… I don’t usually… _watch_ movies, so…”

“I can’t blame you, though,” the actress shrugged. Virgil wasn’t quite sure what she meant until she finished talking. “Roman is a great actor. Handsome, too. Between you and me, he makes me question my sexuality sometimes.”

The LMC opened his mouth to defend himself, when the second part of her response registered.

“Wait… what- what did you say?”

“I’m super gay,” she said with a chuckle. “Like… totally, mega gay. But there are these guys that are so pretty that you just… question your existence, and you start to wonder whether you’re only attracted to women, or that guys are an option too, you know? I don’t think I really am attracted to men, though, but you never know.”

“Ah, yeah,” Virgil nodded. “I- I understand.”

“I think I’m gay, though,” Venitia continued. “Actually… I’m pretty sure I’m the gayest person you’ll ever meet.”

“I’m not so sure,” Virgil said with a careful smile. “I know Roman.” He paused for a second as he made a split-second decision. “And myself.”

"I knew it!" the actress mumbled under her breath.

"What?" Virgil raised an eyebrow as he looked at her, not sure if he heard her words correctly.

"Oh, I just... I knew you couldn't be straight,” she justified with a small shrug. “You set off my gaydar as soon as I saw you."

"Your what?" he asked in confusion, furrowing his brow.

"Gaydar,” Venitia explained slowly. “It's a slang word. You don't know it?"

"No. I don’t- we're probably not cool enough for s- slang like that,” the other huffed. “It's probably meant for the higher classes too."

"Well, let's just say I suspected you weren't straight, then," Venitia told him. Virgil nodded, taking in the new information. He would have to find a way to use this in his everyday life.

"Sounds right. You know…” he paused for a moment, looking at the female next to him before continuing. “I got some gay vibes from you as well."

"Just some?” she asked, faking offence. “Not even a _lot_?"

"Well... okay, a little more than 'some’.” Virgil conceded with a smile. He noticed just how easy it was to talk to the female and honestly, he was so happy about it. All of this could have been so much worse, but at least there was this one person he could talk to, who came to him voluntarily, and who seemed to enjoy talking to him too. “But not quite a lot. You know who _does_ give off a lot of gay vibes?"

"Who, Roman?"

"Yep."

Venitia snorted at the response and nodded vigorously. "Oh yeah, totally."

"I am convinced that even the air he breathes is gay.” Virgil smiled at Venitia as she laughed at the comment. It was weird to talk about Roman in public, but not bad weird. If only he could do this more often.

"Oh yeah,” Venitia agreed. “That man is King Midas, but gay."

"King who?"

"Oh, you don't know the story?” she asked, looking at Virgil, who shook his head. “Okay, well… King Midas was this character. He wished for riches and then... everything he touched suddenly turned to gold. And I'm talking everything. Even his food, or water. I think even his daughter."

"So, you're saying everything Roman touches turns gay?” Virgil asked, looking at Roman as he thought for a moment. “Yeah, I can believe that."

“I know right?”

Virgil chuckled, before a familiar wave of anxiety hit him. “This- this isn’t… _weird_ , right? Or inappropriate, or…”

“I don’t think so,” Venitia shrugged. “We’re just two strangers, talking about being gay. I wouldn’t say it’s weird. Queer, maybe. But that’s only because _we_ are.”

“Alright,” Virgil nodded with a small smile, taking a breath. “Alright, yeah… makes sense.”

He was fine, all of this was fine. Nothing weird, nothing suspicious. It was fine. They were fine. Everything was good.

 

They continued to occasionally chat as they watched Roman and Byron shoot the two scenes they had to shoot. Virgil found that he greatly enjoyed talking to Venitia. She was kind, she didn’t seem repulsed by the fact that he was an LMC, and he was comfortable around her.

When Roman finished his scenes, he walked up to the two with a big smile on his face.

“Hey, so I see you two have met?”

“What? No. We’re just sitting,” Venitia commented with a blank face as she looked up at her co-star.

“Yeah, yeah sure,” Roman nodded, his smirk revealing that he didn’t believe this at all. “Anyways, Veni, I had to tell you that Blake wants to talk to you and Byron about the next few scenes.”

“Aye, aye captain,” the actress nodded as she tried to get up gracefully. She managed to get up, but unfortunately not as gracefully as she would have liked to. But she just brushed it off and smiled at the two men before walking up to the director.

 

When they were alone, Roman turned to Virgil.

“Hey, I meant to tell you before… I’m sorry about Blake,” he said, leaning his shoulder against the wall. “They- _she_ ’s not usually this…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Virgil said, brushing off the comment. Blake might not have been the politest back there, but it wasn’t exactly bad. It was cute that Roman felt the need to apologise for it, though. “It’s fine.”

“But-”

“I’ve had much worse interactions than that,” he shrugged, interrupting the other once again. “It’s fine, really.”

“You- you have?” Roman’s voice held a strange emotion that Virgil couldn’t quite identify. Worry? Pain? He wasn’t sure.

“Yeah.” The two fell silent and Virgil looked up at the lack of a reaction. Roman looked down at him, his brown eyes full with worry and Virgil thought he could see a hint of curiosity. “Do you… want to know?”

“Oh!” The actor seemed to grow aware of his look only when Virgil addressed it and he ran a hand through his hair. “Eh- If you’re comfortable with sharing.”

“Sure, I- I guess.” To be honest… Virgil wasn’t sure if he wanted to. It was quite personal and... it would be a lot. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Roman to know all of that. But he- well… he could get away with telling at least part of it, he thought. Again, he scratched his wrist, as he thought. As he caught himself doing this, the LMC pulled his hand away and toyed with his sleeve instead. “Well… one time, I was walking down the street. And I was thinking, not really paying attention, you know? Like you… you think about something and you just… stare into the distance?” He paused for a moment, looking up at Roman, who nodded, silently urging him to go on. “Well, apparently I was staring at this UC, and they didn’t like that. So, they… threatened me.” He paused as he took a breath. “With a knife.”

“Holy shit,” the actor muttered, his voice soft and more vulnerable than Virgil had heard in a while.

“I know. I lucked out there, could have gone worse.” He stopped talking again and a slight uncomfortable silence fell. Oh, what the hell? He could bring up another instance. Roman deserved to know, however painful. He had to know who – or what, perhaps – he was dealing with. “Another time, I eh… I walked into this guy. And- obviously… I- I’m filth, you know. So, he-” Virgil scoffed softly, recalling the exact events of that day. In this second of silence, he decided he wouldn’t tell Roman _everything_. That might just be a tad too much. “He beat the shit out of me. I was lucky someone stopped him, I guess.”

It stayed silent for a few seconds and Virgil was nearly _begging_ for Roman to speak. Just say _anything_. He would be lying if he said he enjoyed remembering this, and he would want to get it over with as quickly as possible. If only Roman would just say something…

“Oh my god, Virgil, I- I’m sorry,” Roman finally got out. He sounded so shocked, so hurt on Virgil’s behalf, and it nearly hurt Virgil as a result. He wished it would be different. But this was just what it was. Nothing to be done about it.

“Well… life, huh?” he muttered with a small shrug. He didn’t look up at Roman as he spoke. “What are you gonna do about it?”

“Couldn’t you have pressed charges, or something?”

Virgil scoffed softly. That was a real UC talking right there. If only he could do something like that. “Are you kidding me?” he asked, shaking his head as he finally dared to look up at his boyfriend again. “Roman, you’re a great guy, but you need to remember that not everyone is as well off as you are. I can’t afford a lawyer. And even if I could, I wouldn’t stand a chance. The guys would destroy me.”

“Wait… wait a second, _guys_?”

Virgil froze. He hadn’t meant to tell that specific part. He wanted to keep that from Roman, but the words had slipped out before he realised and it was too late to take it back now.

“Yeah... He- he had friends.” He chuckled bitterly as he looked at the other side of the room. He rubbed his throat, subconsciously reliving said day.

“Virgil, that… that’s horrible,” Roman said softly. He was at a loss for words. What could he say? He wanted to say something to help Virgil. Anything. But what would help? How could he show his support, how could he comfort his boyfriend without putting them both at risk? If only he could hug Virgil, hold him close and never let go. But that would cross the boundaries of their relationship as the State would know it. It was inappropriate. Roman was sure he had never hated their society more than in this moment.

“It’s life,” Virgil remarked resentfully. “And what am I gonna do about it? No one cares about us anyways. They’re not going to listen.”

“I could do something about it,” the actor shrugged. “People will listen to me.”

“No,” the assistant said abruptly, looking up at Roman with a fiery emotion the UC had rarely seen in his partner. “They’ll call you a rebel, or a traitor. They’ll put you behind bars. They’ll destroy your name.”

“Well, I don’t care.”

“But I do.” For a moment, Virgil wanted to get up, put his hands on Roman’s shoulders, or on his chest. But he remembered he was in public, and it would get more than one weird look.  “And besides, it’s not worth it. You aren’t going to achieve anything. Not everyone is like you, Roman. Or even like Blake. Some people are assholes who get a rush out of killing people like me. They won’t listen to you.”

“People do that?” Where Roman’s voice had sounded firm and determined a few seconds ago, it was now back to that soft vulnerability, and Virgil found himself thinking about how beautiful Roman’s voice sounded. It was melodic, absolutely gorgeous.

“Oh yeah,” he nodded. His voice was cold and bitter. As one would expect, giving the circumstances and the subject of their talk. “I lived in the Outskirts for a year, and if there’s one thing I learned there, it’s to not get attached to anyone. Before you know it, they’re dead. Or close to it.”

Roman stayed silent for a few moments, looking down at Virgil, who actively avoided his gaze. He had never heard of this. Okay, he had heard of the occasional murder. But did it happen a lot? The way Virgil talked about it… it nearly sounded like it happened often. But if it did… why had he not heard of all those killings? Why were they never reported?

“Why- why did I never hear anything about this?”

Virgil let out a harsh huff, looking down at his hands. They were still shaking slightly, though he suspected it was more out of frustration than anxiety at this point. “You think they’re gonna post something like that in the paper?” he questioned. “Do you _really_ think that people would care about a poor lowlife like me getting beaten up or killed by one of the elites? Fat chance. People don’t care about us. They don’t care about what happens to us. It doesn’t matter how many of us die, or how painfully, how gruesome the murders are. It’s _never_ mentioned, the murderers are never even _searched_. There’s no justice for us. They only mention us in the paper when someone’s getting executed. And even that is only briefly. Otherwise, we don’t exist. We’re just a- a tiny speck of dirt on their fucking boot. We’re useless. We might as well be non-existent, that would be better for everyone.”

Virgil could feel himself getting more and more fed up with every word he spoke. And, he found, it was good. It felt good to finally get out all of this frustration. He didn’t even care if the State would hear. He didn’t even care if they would arrest him for criticizing their society. He hated it, and he needed to talk about it. And honestly, it felt good to finally talk about it. Even if it would result in his death. It would be worth it.

“Hey, that’s not true!” Roman tried to protest earnestly. He looked down at Virgil with his eyebrows furrowed, but Virgil didn’t look up at him.

“Trust me, it is. That’s just the way it is.”

“Well, then it shouldn’t be.”

“I know,” Virgil nodded, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I know it shouldn’t be, but we can’t do anything about it. Might as well accept it and go on living.”

“I disagree.”

“Yeah, good luck trying to get your voice to be heard when you are dead,” the younger man mumbled. “I’d like to see you try. You’re not getting anywhere, trust me.”

Roman paused for a few moments, looking at the man in front of him. He had never thought of the situation like this. Did Virgil really think this, or was this just a façade to keep the State away? There was so much pain and emotion in his voice, that Roman doubted it was an act. But if it was real, then why did Virgil join the rebellion? If he truly believed there was nothing to be done, then why try to even make a change? And, Roman wondered, if it _was_ true, what did Virgil have to suffer through during his life? Surely, something must have shaped the way he saw this world, and Roman longed to know what it was as much as he dreaded this.

“Virgil…”

“Yeah?” Virgil looked up at his boyfriend and, seeing his eyes, so full of worry and emotions, nearly melted him. But he couldn’t show it. The State couldn’t see.

“Be careful, okay?” the actor asked him, finally crouching se they were at almost the same level. “And if anyone hurts you, or threatens to, please come to me.”

“Why?” Virgil asked, furrowing his brows. “Why would you even care?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Roman simply retorted. “I mean… you are my assistant, sure. But more importantly, you are a human being. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. No one does.”

“Thanks, I… I guess,” the LMC said softly, looking down again. “I… I will think about it.”

“That’s all I ask.”

 

They were interrupted by people calling out Roman’s name. When the two of them looked up, they could see Blake and a few more actors in the distance, beckoning to Roman.

“Lufé, get your ass over here,” Blake shouted as loud as she could. Roman sighed and nodded.

“I think you’re needed,” Virgil stated monotonously as he and his boyfriend both got up. “And I need to clear my head. If I’m not back soon, I’m probably lost.”

He didn’t wait for an answer. Instead, he walked off into the hallway, dying to be alone.

 

As soon as Virgil was alone, he buried his face in his hands. He had no idea where that outburst had come from, and while it felt good at the time… the rush of confidence and frustration was wearing off, and he was starting to develop regrets. Was it really wise to say all of that? Was it really a smart move to rant about how shit their society was, when there weren’t only cameras, but also people around? Should he really have said all of that? What if someone told the State about it? What if this would cause his death? It didn’t seem as smart now.

 

Virgil sighed and walked through the studio. He wished he would know how to get outside, because fresh air sounded absolutely fantastic right now. The only problem was that he had _no idea_ where he was, or how to get outside, so he would have to deal with the silence of zero people around.

He finally stopped in front of Roman’s dressing room and he slowly opened the door, wanting to check if it was empty or not. Luckily, the two make-up artists were not around, so the LMC silently slipped inside and locked the door behind him. With the confidence fading away, his anxiety was working on a comeback, and he needed to be alone right now.  

 

With the door closed and locked behind him, Virgil sat down on one of the chairs in the room, running his hands through his hair as he tried to expel the thoughts running through his mind. The memories of the incidents he had mentioned to Roman, the anxiety of _what would the State think of him_ , and the general frustration at the unfairness of this society. He had to stay calm. He had to calm himself down and get back to this. He had actual work to do on top of that. He couldn’t sit here panicking. But if only it was this easy. If only him thinking to stay calm would make him feel _calm_.

He should have stayed quiet. He didn’t have to say that. He didn’t have to say any of that. He shouldn’t have said it. It would only cause more problems. The State would surely know. They would see his thoughts, they would be onto him, they would arrest him, they would kill him. He shouldn’t have spoken up, he should have- he should have-

 

Virgil barely noticed that his hands were shaking and that his breathing became more and more troubled. He didn’t notice that his vision blurred and he started to feel light-headed. He didn’t notice until his irregular breathing caused his chest and stomach to ache, until he felt like he was going to pass out soon, until he heard that all-too-familiar ringing in his ears.

He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled his legs to his chest, burying his face in his knees to muffled the ragged breaths mixed with soft sobs that rolled over his lips. He couldn’t stay here. People might get worried, Roman might have to come in to change, maybe Roman was looking for him. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t have a panic attack right now. He had to calm down. Calm his breathing.

 

In for four seconds.

Hold for seven seconds.

Out for eight second.

In for four.

Hold for seven.

Out for eight.

Repeat. Again and again and again.

He had to calm down. He had to stop crying. He had to calm down.

 

It took him a while. Virgil wasn’t long how long he sat there before he was finally able to breathe normally. He looked like shit, with his face blotched, eye’s bloodshot. But at least he wasn’t panicking as much.

He would have wanted to stay there for a little bit longer, but someone tried to open the door, only to find out that the door was locked. Virgil softly cursed as he got up from the chair. The mystery person knocked.

“Hello?” It was Roman. “I eh- need to change. Can I come in?”

Virgil slowly walked to the door, unlocking it.

“Sorry,” he mumbled as he opened the door for the actor. “I- I had to be-”

“Virgil, it’s alright,” Roman said softly, placing a hand on Virgil’s shoulder as he carefully stepped inside the room. “Are you okay?”

“Y- yeah,” the younger man nodded, “just… an- anxiety. It- it’s fine.”

“I’m sorry,” Roman whispered, looking down at his assistant, worry evident in his entire body. “Would it be okay if I hugged you? It’s okay if you’re not okay with it, but-”

“It… it’s fine,” Virgil nodded. He wanted nothing more than a hug right now. He didn’t care if it was weird. He didn’t care if it was inappropriate. He just wanted a fucking hug, dammit.

Roman nodded and wrapped his arms around Virgil in that protective hug the other man adored. Virgil closed his eyes and returned the hug. It was so comfortable, so comforting. He wanted to stay like this forever. He needed this.

“It is my fault?” Roman asked him softly. “I’m sorry if it is. I didn’t mean to push you.”

“No… no, it’s- it’s okay.” Virgil looked up at Roman. “It’s me. Don’t- don’t worry.”

“Alright… if you say so,” the actor nodded as he pulled away. “I need to change for my next scene, but feel free to stay here if you want to, okay? No rush.”

“Thanks,” the other murmured with a weak smile as Roman got a dark blue shirt and blue and black flannel for him to wear.

“No problem Virgil, take your time,” he smiled. “Jaylisa were supposed to work on my make-up, but I’ll tell them to do it elsewhere so you can stay here, alright?”

“You… you don’t have to…”

“Maybe not, but I’m still doing it,” the actor grinned as he put on his new shirt. “If it helps you, of course.”

“I- I think so.”

“Well, it’s decided then,” Roman shrugged. “It’s no big deal, really. As long as you’re comfortable.”

“Alright,” Virgil nodded. “Thank you.”

“It’s no problem, Virgil,” the actor smiled. “Really. I must be going now, you come back whenever you feel like it, okay?”

“Sure,” Virgil nodded. Roman smiled at the response and left the dressing room, leaving Virgil on his own again.

 

The rest of the day was exhausting, even if Virgil didn’t do much. He managed to check some emails, respond to some things, talk to Roman. But that was it. Roman didn’t seem to mind, however. It was pretty laid back, despite his panic attack.

Lunch and dinner were taken care of, and Virgil was pleasantly surprised to find out. He honestly hadn’t bothered to think of it, but he was glad he could at least have something – even if Roman seemed to worry that he didn’t eat a lot.

It was a long day, Roman being done only a little before midnight, but Virgil didn’t mind. Everything was better than being at home. Especially if it meant he could be with Roman. But, that didn’t mean that he wasn’t deadly exhausted by the time they stepped out of the studio.

Roman was still talking to some of the actors, Virgil walking behind them. He decided to allow the others to talk about their work without bothering them too much.

 

When they finally said goodbye, Roman walked to one of the black cars parked outside – Virgil wondered how the actor could find the right one, when there were so many around. He opened the door for Virgil and allowed him to enter, before walking around the car to get in himself. Virgil smiled at the older man as he got in.

“Hey, you guys,” Mitch greeted them with a smile. How was he so cheerful, even now? “How was it?”

“Pretty alright,” Virgil mumbled. “Tired, though.”

“I can imagine,” the driver nodded. “You’ll have some time to rest before we drop you off.”

“That’s good.” Virgil tried to fasten his seatbelt, and he actually succeeded after a few attempts.

Mitch smiled and waited until the two of them were all set before he drove away. Finally, in the silent car, on their way home, exhaustion caught up to the pair. Especially Virgil, drained after a first day at the job, interacting with people he had never met, and having a panic attack. He had survived on less sleep, but this day had been extraordinarily draining for the young man. His eyelids grew heavy and slowly drooped shut, as his head lulled to the side, where it rested against Roman’s shoulder.

 

Roman looked down at his boyfriend, looking content in his asleep state. A wave of fondness overcame the older man as he did. Virgil was so peaceful and calm, and Roman took the opportunity to study his partner’s face in the vague light of the streetlights outside. Rarely had the man seen Virgil this calm, Roman realised. Even when they met up, there was often caution on his features; Virgil was never off guard. But now… he did not have to worry about a single thing. He was out in a land of dreams, where the State hardly mattered.

Even in the dim, occasional light of the streetlights, Roman could make out the dark bags underneath Virgil’s eyes and he couldn’t help but wonder how much sleep the other got. It was a constant worry for Roman and he often suspected his boyfriend of sleeping way less than he probably should, but he couldn’t exactly make sure Virgil would sleep enough, even if he wished he could.

To be fair, he often worried about Virgil. Because where Roman would never have to worry about anything in his life, it could be a struggle for the two lowest classes. Virgil had once or twice made a reference about how he used to live in the Outskirts, about how he used to struggle – and even now, sometimes – but he never elaborated. And Roman didn’t want to pry. These hidden comments never eased Roman’s worrying, though. If anything, they only fuelled it. Virgil had struggled enough in his life and while he usually made the comments to reassure Roman that he ‘had been through worse,’ and that he ‘knew how to handle it’, Roman didn’t want his boyfriend to suffer anymore. To be fair, he would do anything to get Virgil out of the life he was living. Hell, he would gladly move to the Outskirts himself if it would help the younger man.

The things Virgil had told him earlier that day only worried him more. Virgil had disclosed he had to deal with violence, at least once in his life. And with the way he talked about it… Roman feared that he had dealt with it more than just those times he had told about. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like for the younger man. It sounded terrifying. How did Virgil put up with that? How did he manage with that fear, the money struggles, on top of his anxiety? Roman was sure that he would break if he was faced with the struggles Virgil had to face. Even if he denied it himself, Virgil was so incredibly strong for putting up with all of this, and Roman admired him for it.

Catching himself staring, the actor looked away, quickly covering it up with a soft cough. At the sudden movement, Virgil groaned softly, blinking his eyes open.

“I’m sorry, Virgil,” Roman said softly as he looked at the half-awake man next to him, softly cursing himself. “Did I wake you?”

“Think so?” the boy mumbled in response, barely managing to keep his eyes open.

“I’m sorry,” Roman repeated himself, “I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s fine.” Virgil’s voice was soft and hoarse, heavy with sleep. Roman fought back a smile at the pure adorableness of the whole situation. The younger man closed his eyes again, too tired to worry about anything as he rested his head on Roman’s shoulder again.

“Let me make it a little more comfortable,” the actor announced softly, moving so he could wrap his arm around Virgil’s shoulders. Was this an excuse just to be a little closer to his boyfriend? Most definitely. He did this more often with his friends, so he knew – hoped – that it wouldn’t be too suspicious to the State.

 

Much to Roman’s delight, Virgil made a soft noise of approval as he sleepily snuggled just a little closer, too asleep to worry. A small army of butterflies exploded in Roman’s stomach as he took notice of this gesture, but he quickly pushed it down, too afraid that his face might betray his true thoughts.

With a soft sigh, the actor looked out of the window. They had left the city a while back and the small streets had made space for the dark highway. Only a few cars greeted them as they zoomed past, on their way to an unknown location. The roads were so quiet and peaceful. The perfect place to get lost in thought. He was so happy to have Virgil here with him, despite his constant worry about his partner’s wellbeing, he was just glad to be able to see the other during the day. No need to sneak out to the fields, no time limit. It was purely professional, but at least he could see the other more. That was more than he could ever wish for. In this society, it was about as far as they would come. And it felt like a victory.

 

With a small snore, Virgil woke up, slowly sitting up again. Roman looked at the other man, a grin spreading on his face.

“Oh my goodness,” he smiled, “that was _adorable_.”

“Nooo,” Virgil whined softly as he sat up just a little straighter, suddenly very aware of the position he was in. It was clear that he was still half asleep. “I’m sorry for- for falling asleep on you.”

“Hey, that is fine! Nothing to be sorry about, don’t worry,” Roman reassured the other. “But _yes_ , it was adorable. Do not argue with me.”

“Fine,” Virgil huffed. “But only because I’m too tired to argue.”

Roman laughed at this comment as he turned to Virgil, a laugh that made Virgil’s heart skip a few beats. It was clear that the actor was close to falling asleep himself, but he forced himself to stay awake, just so he could talk to Virgil.

“Hey, a victory is a victory,” he shrugged. “I’m not complaining.”

Virgil snorted softly, but he didn’t respond. He was too tired. He sat up normally and leaned his head against the side of the car, deciding that – while less comfortable – was safer. Less suspicious. God, he was _exhausted_. He closed his eyes again and he didn’t even feel himself falling asleep. He opened his eyes when Roman tried to gently wake him up, telling him that they had arrived at his apartment. Virgil blinked a few times, slowly waking up.

“Right, right,” he mumbled, barely able to keep his eyes open. “Eh- thanks…”

Roman smiled, falling more in love with his boyfriend with every passing second. “We’ll pick you up tomorrow around ten, alright?” he asked.

“Sure,” Virgil nodded, getting his back and opening the door. “See you then.”

“See you tomorrow,” Roman smiled. “Sleep well, Virgil.”

“Yeah… yeah sleep well,” Virgil repeated. “Both of you.”

“Sleep well, Virgil,” Mitch said with a smile, before Virgil closed the door. He looked at the car as it drove away. With a deep breath, Virgil walked inside, up to his apartment. He changed out of his clothes and fell down on his bed, falling asleep nearly immediately.


	25. Not an update, just an announcement... thingy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mercy makes yet another thing revolving around State of Mind and posts it everywhere because she's hoping people will even want it lmao, I'm sorry but at the same time.... not

[https://discord.gg/fUR8Uav](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fdiscord.gg%2FfUR8Uav&t=YzRjNDliNjE3Zjg5NTM0NTc0ZDBmYTUwOTllYTUxZTQ5MjRmNzA1ZSxpckRhQXJVSA%3D%3D&b=t%3A8umXv3DOQCewH4u_wFz32g&p=http%3A%2F%2Flostin---translation.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F178767567008%2Fhttpsdiscordggfur8uav-hey-look-its-a&m=1)

Welp it's a discord server (: If you want to join… well, feel free to join us. I just made it but it's probably going to be lit… I hope

I might delete this with the next update and add the link in the notes. I might forget. But idk I just really wanted to make this server and announcement now instead of in two weeks haha. So here you go


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Drinking, alcohol mention, being drunk, a little bit of strong language

A few days later, Virgil and Roman met up again outside of town. They had managed to set a date with many sneaky hints and signs. And now they were here. Virgil was the first to arrive, as they had decided to meet on his side of town again. Roman arrived not much later. As soon as the two lovers saw each other, despite having seen the other every day this past week, they embraced each other tightly. That was the one thing they had been unable to do, and both of them had waited for this moment for what felt like ages.

Roman pressed his lips to Virgil’s temple and closed his eyes, taking in the blissful silence.

“I’m glad I can finally kiss you now,” he mumbled softly as he pulled away.

“So am I,” Virgil nodded, running a hand through Roman’s faded purple locks. Roman hummed contently, slightly leaning into the touch. They remained frozen like this for a while, before the actor decided to sit down, pulling Virgil along with him.

“Virgil, for this past week, your conversation with Mitch made me think,” he muttered, looking at his younger boyfriend with a teasing grin. “Was I your gay awakening? No- was I your gay- your agaykening?”

“Perhaps,” Virgil snorted, shaking his head at Roman’s stupid gay pun. He totally had been Virgil’s gay awakening. Before he had met Roman, Virgil had never really had a crush on anyone. Sure, he’d seen guys he thought were cute, but he didn’t think anything of it. He had seen girls he thought were pretty too, so he didn’t really think it meant anything. Roman changed his mind.

“Oh, my goodness,” the actor grinned, “that makes me so happy.”

“I don’t suppose I was yours, huh?” the other asked, tilting his head. Roman looked so adorable right now, damn it. “You seem like the guy who always knew he was gay.”

“That’s true. I was born gay,” Roman nodded seriously. “Legend has it that my first word was ‘gay’.”

“Really?” Virgil raised an eyebrow, looking up at his partner. On the one hand, it seemed like a very Roman thing and some part of him wouldn’t be surprised if it was true somehow. But on the other hand… it was an _extremely_ Roman thing to make this up, just for extra gay.

“No,” Roman admitted, shaking his head. He seemed genuinely disappointed. But maybe that was because he was such an amazing actor. “Unfortunately not. But it would be cool, wouldn’t it?”

“I guess.”

“You know… I want my last word to be ‘gay’, though,” he continued. “Or no… no wait. I want it to be about you. Like… ‘fuck you all, I always loved Virgil Casey.’ Or… ‘fuck the State and Virgil Casey. Hah, I’m gay for Virgil. Also, the State sucks’. That sounds right, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, sure it does buddy,” Virgil nodded, shaking his head. Roman was such a gay dork. It was actually unbelievable how much of a gay dork he was. But Virgil loved him, _because_ of his gay dorkiness. And because of the rest of his personality, of course. But the dorkiness was a huge factor, he had to admit that.

“You’re laughing now, but just you wait until I become a legend.”

“A legend,” he said softly. “Of course.”

“Just you wait,” Roman persisted, pressing a soft kiss to Virgil’s temple.

The days quickly passed. Virgil got used to his new job – there was still a lot to learn, he had to admit that, but he just needed time. The people on set got used to his presence, and he got more used to using the new laptop. His anxiety didn’t seem to ease up on him just yet, but he could deal with that. As long as Roman was by his side, he could handle nearly anything.

 

So, the days passed and slowly but surely, Valentine’s day approached. A day Roman both dreaded and looked forwards to. It was really quite complicated.

 

With one last look in the mirror, Roman walked downstairs. He had agreed to go out with Venitia and Byron to celebrate Valentine’s as singles. Of course, Roman wasn’t single but… well… I don’t have to explain why he couldn’t tell his friends about that. As far as they knew, he was single, and that was final. So, he was to go out with them. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t looking forwards to it. It had been a long time since he had the time to go out and have a good time, and he was in need of something like that. Especially on Valentine’s day. He needed something to drown the ache in his chest that had been growing over these past months.

He paced through his living room a bit, adjusting the red leather jacket he wore over his black ensemble – Virgil had once mentioned how much he loved that look on Roman, so of course, that look had now been dubbed Roman’s favourite. He combined it with bright red lipstick and black eye make-up, and his pride necklace, just because that was a part of him at this point.  

It wasn’t long before he saw a dark blue car approaching and he got his purse and walked out, making sure he had a key with him before he did so. With a smile, the actor approached the car and got in the backseat.

“Greetings, you two,” he smiled as he got in. “What a lovely day to be single, is it not?”

“Oh yeah, it is,” Byron agreed with a single nod. “The best of days, indeed.”

“You’re looking mighty fine today, Ro,” Venitia commented as she drove away, in the direction of whatever pub they were planning on going to.

“Why, thank you. I do want to attract some possible singles, you know,” the man responded with a fake grin. He knew it was a façade, he knew he wasn’t really planning on picking someone up, and he knew Virgil was okay with this. It was all to keep up the act, and they both knew it. But even then, it felt wrong to even think of this. Virgil was his one true love, and even pretending to be single was _wrong_. But he couldn’t announce their relationship to the public. They would be dead. 

Venitia and Byron agreed and with the occasional chatter, Venitia drove them to a bar. It wasn’t a large bar, which was something Roman did greatly enjoy. It looked cute. He never liked huge bars where you couldn’t even see the other side of the room, simply because there were people everywhere. Sure, it _could_ be fun, but he greatly preferred smaller bars. Luckily, his friends seemed to share that opinion.

 

Where at first, Roman had told himself he wouldn’t drink _too_ much, he had quickly forgotten his promise to himself. When he looked around, he saw people flirting, laughing, kissing. And he realised just how much he wanted to do that with Virgil. Sure, Venitia and Byron were great company. He couldn’t wish for better company on a night like this – except Virgil, of course. But even if he had fun, something- some _one_ was missing.

And as the night went on, Roman felt this ache grow stronger and stronger. And the stronger it got, the more he drank. He didn’t care anymore. He just wanted to forget.

When he was younger, he used to love Valentine’s day. It was the one day where you could be overly romantic and nothing would question it. He always adored this holiday. But now… now he couldn’t wait until it was over. It couldn’t be over soon enough. 

He knew it wasn’t smart to drink too much, but he didn’t care. At least he knew his own limits, so he could stop when he was getting too drunk. He didn’t want to go for drunk – a hangover was _not_ something he was looking forwards to – but just… intoxicated enough to forget about his pain for now. That would be enough, and he would go no further.

And Roman had to admit… it was surprisingly pleasant. He still remembered Virgil, and he thought of his boyfriend every so often, but it was as if the feelings and the pain linked to his memory didn’t hit him. It was there; just not registering. And Roman enjoyed it.

 

That night, a bunch of people approached him. Either because they were fans, or because they were interested in him. The last category of people, he’d sneakily decline, and when his friends asked him why, the actor lied that they weren’t his type – even if some of the guys were totally his type. But, somehow, seeing these people made him realise just how much Virgil meant to him. And _that_ realisation tempted him to drink more, though he managed to fight off the temptation most of the time.

It was a fun night but, truth be told, Roman was glad when Venitia walked up to him, saying she really wanted to go home. It was fun but… none of these men were Virgil. And no matter how much alcohol there was in his system, that was the only guy he wanted to be with. 

So, he quickly nodded when Venitia announced that she wanted to leave. It was a bad idea, as the rapid movement made him just slightly dizzy as he got up. Venitia nodded as his quick movements and walked towards the door, where Byron was already waiting for them, ready to go.

“You guys ready?” he asked, shooting them a smile.

“Well, I have no choice, do I?” Roman asked with a grin as Venitia nodded. “Yeah, no, I am. It’s all good.”

“Awesome,” the other actor nodded, taking a few steps backwards, going outside. Venitia led them to her car, as she seemed to be the only one of the three who remembered where she had parked, and they all got in.

She had decided to drop Roman off, because… well, he lived the closest to the bar, so it was only logical. It would be stupid to do otherwise, really.

 

Not too long after they left, the car stopped in front of Roman’s house, and Roman unfastened his seatbelt, though this took a few attempts.

“Can you manage, Ro?” Venitia asked as the older actor opened the door.

“Oh, watch me,” Roman commented. “I can manage this more than anyone has ever managed anything before.”

“I’m assuming that’s a yes?” Byron asked.

“It’s a _hell yes_. Duh.” Roman rolled his eyes playfully as he got out of the car. “Thank you for driving, I had fun tonight! Thank you!”

He didn’t give the others a chance, as he immediately closed the car door. He was already walking towards his house, as the window on the passenger side rolled down.

“Roro, remember to drink some water,” Byron called after him. “Might make tomorrow suck less.”

“Not drunk, but sure,” the younger man responded as he searched his pockets for his keys. “Will do. You do the same.”

“Of course, little buddy,” the other nodded. Roman smiled and unlocked his front door, having finally found his keys. The car stayed in front of his house until he had safely entered and the door closed behind him.

 

Roman stepped inside and walked to the kitchen. Instead of taking some water, like he promised he would, he immediately went for the bottle of vodka he kept. There used to be a time that he _loved_ Valentine’s day; the one day that you could be as romantic as you wanted, and no one would judge you for it. Now, he couldn’t imagine that. He still loved romance more than anything, but he just wished that he could spend this day with his boyfriend. Seeing people all loved up just drove home the fact that he and Virgil could never be like that. Like the world just _wanted_ him to know what he was missing.

Another drink.

 

Instead, he was doomed to spend his life alone, only seeing his boyfriend in occasional meetings, pretending to be nothing but his boss on any public occasion, living in houses that were too big for him alone. All because the love of his life was born in a too low class. All because _his_ class was too high.

Another drink.

 

It wasn’t fair.

Another drink.

 

It was hard to think straight. Admittedly, Roman always had problems with that – being a gay man, and all – but the alcohol made everything a little more difficult. His mind was foggy and clouded. It was late, but Roman needed to get out. He really wanted to see Virgil. He mussed him. with a soft whine, Roman got up. He needed air. 

He barely noticed walking – or stumbling? – out to the fields. Only when he fell down on the grass, he noticed. He wanted to see Virge again. So, naturally, he got his phone and dialled Virgil’s number.

 

Virgil groaned as he turned to the phone on his nightstand. Just as he thought he would go to sleep, _this_ happened, whatever ‘this’ is. He picked up the device, sneaking a glance at the caller id, but he had already answered the phone call before he could even doubt his actions.

“Who’s it?” he asked groggily, pushing himself up into a sitting position.

“Virge? What’re you doing up?” a familiar voice slurred on the other side of the line. “You should be sleeping.”

“You’re one to talk,” Virgil told his boyfriend as he rubbed his eyes. “Are you drunk?”

“No, _you’re_ drunk,” Roman defended himself. “Where are you? I can’t see you.”

“I’m at home,” the younger man responded softly. “I _was_ trying to sleep when you called me. What about you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Where are _you_?” Virgil asked. “Are you okay?”

“Oh.” Roman paused for a few moments, before he continued. “ _Oh_. Dunno. I was out. Then I got lost. And I remember needing some assistance. And then I also remembered that _you’re_ my assistant! So, I was kinda hoping you could assist me?”

“I was not told this would be a night job as well, you know,” Virgil commented with a smile. He worried about Roman, being out at this time of night, on his own, intoxicated.

“Please, Virgie? I will pay you double the money if you come and assist me?”

“Alright, alright.” Virgil had already made the choice to come aid his boyfriend way before the other had made this offer. He couldn’t let his drunk boyfriend wander around by himself, after all. “Where are you? Tell me what you can see, and I will do my best to find you, okay? Just stay where you are.”

“I dunno, Virgie, it’s dark,” Roman slurred as his voice faded in and out; he was studying his surroundings as he spoke. “I don’t see anything. Grass. Trees. That’s it.”

Virgil had gotten up, unplugged his phone from its charger, and tried to clumsily change out of his pyjama pants and into his black skinny jeans, without dropping the phone, mind you. It turned out to be a challenge, but with the phone cradledbetween his ear and shoulder, he finally made it.

“Okay… that… is vague, but I can manage,” Virgil determined with a sigh as he grabbed his phone again. “Stay where you are, okay? Can you do that? Just… sit down.”

“Hm alright.” The young man sighed in relief when he heard the man on the other side agree. He walked out of his room, feeling his way to his coat rack. He didn’t bother changing his shirt; he would put his coat over it anyways. “Did you know that I love you?”

“Roman, you’re drunk,” Virgil muttered as he reached for his coat. His heart seemed to stop at this drunk confession. He wasn’t sure the State would take this as suspicious, but they could very well. If they were listening in on calls – and Virgil found no reason to doubt this – they could have heard this. What would they think? Would they take it as drunk nonsense, or a confession?

“No, no, I really do!” the actor protested. “You’re really really sweet. And really really pretty. And I like spending time with you, and-”

“Alright, you,” Virgil said, trying to mask his anxiety with a chuckle. “That’s enough for now. You are drunk. I’m leaving my apartment now, so just stay calm until I come find you, okay? Now, tell me, are there trees all around you, or…”

“No, they’re really in the distance,” Roman responded. “Like… I don’t know, it’s dark. They’re only behind me.”

“Okay, I will… do my best.” 

Virgil rushed down the hallway, down the stairs, trying not to wake any in his building. It was utterly ridiculous to be going out at this time of night, but what else was he supposed to do? Leave his boyfriend to his own devices out there? No way.

What was Roman doing out of town anyways? If he was drunk, why did he walk all the way out there? What made him decide to walk there? 

The cold morning air stung Virgil’s skin as soon as he stepped outside. The streets were dark and abandoned, lit only by the vague light of way too old street lights. This late at night, it gave the empty streets an unsettling look. Taking a deep breath, Virgil rushed through the streets and alleys, wanting to get to the wealthier neighbourhoods as quickly as possible. He knew there would be better lighting there.

 

As he walked, he continued to talk to Roman, hoping that the sound of his boyfriend’s voice would help him find the other later on. Instinctively, he suspected Roman would be in one of the spots they usually met up at, so he made his way to the first location that came up. Through the small streets, past the shops and the square, out of town.

Virgil was used to the cold, but this… this was a whole new kind of cold. In the lonely streets, the cold cut through him like a knife. It made his skin numb with an odd tingling. A whole new level of cold the man had to get used to. Apparently, that’s what happens when you go out at 3 AM. You discover a new cold.

 

Virgil had never reached the outside of town this quickly, he estimated. He had jogged most of the way, as he couldn’t bear the thought of Roman staying outside in this cold for this long, especially not in his current state.

“Okay, I am out of town now,” Virgil announced. “I think I’ll be able to find you soon, but please, talk to me so I can hear you, okay?”

“Sure thing, darling,” Roman said, before giggling that ‘it rhymed’.  Virgil rolled his eyes with a smile as his boyfriend started rambling about something he couldn’t follow – he couldn’t even make out half the words. Meanwhile, he scanned his surroundings as he approached the forest. Roman had to be here somewhere, he told himself. 

And it took him a few minutes, but he finally saw Roman’s figure sitting in the distance.

“I can see you,” Virgil told his partner quickly, “I’m going to hang up now, but I am coming towards you, okay?”

“Can’t wait to see you,” the drunk actor mused before Virgil ended the phone call. He made his way towards the man in front of him. Roman was playing with the grass, running his hands over it and tearing a few blades of grass out of the ground, mumbling to himself. Virgil pocketed his phone and stopped in front of Roman.

“There you are,” he said, finally taking the time to catch his breath. “What are you doing out here?”

“I dunno,” Roman said with a shrug. “I just… wanted to be here. We meet up here a lot and I just… I wanted to be with you, so. I wanna be with you more, Virgie, I love you so much.”

Virgil chuckled at the nickname his boyfriend had given him and let the drunk man take his hands in his.

“I love you too, Ro,” the younger man said, his partner’s words sending a dagger right through his heart. “But I’m gonna need you to get up. You need to get inside.”

“Noooo,” Roman whined as Virgil tried to pull him to his feet. “I don’t wanna go back there. It’s so lonely. I just want to be with you. Can’t we cuddle? I would much rather cuddle you.”

“Me too, sweetheart, but you are going to freeze out here,” Virgil tried, crouching in front of Roman to look into the other man’s eyes.

“No, I’m not,” he just responded. “I have a coat. And I have you. You’re hot enough to keep me warm.”

Virgil snorted at the… compliment? His thumbs absentmindedly caressed the back of Roman’s hands as he remained silent for a bit. He really wanted to be with his boyfriend as well, but he knew that dream could never be realised.

“Come on, we need to go back to your house, dear,” Virgil tried one more time. “Can you please come with me? For me?”

“Noooo, you know I can’t say no to that pretty face!” Roman bent over, resting his head on Virgil’s shoulder with a dramatic whine. “ _Fine_ , just because it’s you, my sweetest.”

“I appreciate that.” Virgil smiled as he carefully got up, helping Roman stand on his own two legs as well. The older man stumbled over his feet multiple times, just while walking back to the town. Virgil had wrapped his arm around Roman’s waist to support him.

 

Virgil attempted to get some directions to Roman’s house as they walked through the abandoned streets of the city. It took them way longer than it normally would have, but finally, they made it. Virgil tried not to feel envious of the house that Virgil wouldn’t even be able to support if he saved up for it his entire life.

“Do you have a key?” the younger of the two asked as they stopped in front of the large house.

“Why don’t _you_ have one yourself?” Roman retorted.

“I don’t live here, remember?”

“Oh yeah.” The actor nodded sadly as he felt in his pockets for the key. “Tada!”

His sadness was quickly forgotten when he presented the key, which Virgil then took with a grateful smile. He unlocked the front door and led his boyfriend through the dark corridor, to the living room – which took him a few tries because _why are there so many doors here?_ Honestly, who needed so many doors?

When he finally managed this, he told Roman to sit down on the couch, before searching for the kitchen, to get the other man some water. He didn’t know a lot about how to handle alcohol, but he did know water helped. At least, that is what he had heard. It could have been wrong, but he didn’t really care about that. 

Virgil searched for the light switch in the kitchen, and when he turned it on, for a moment he believed he was in the wrong room. This kitchen was so… big, and spacious. It was nothing like his, or Patton’s. There was more than enough space to move, there were even plants, and other decorations. It was almost surreal. But then again, he _was_ in Roman’s house.

Which brought him to his next point of thought. _He was in Roman’s house_. He would never have dared to dream he would even set one step in the general direction of this house, let alone search the cabinets for the biggest glass. It was so surreal, and Virgil was afraid to wake up. Because this had to be a dream, right?

He finally found a big glass and filled it up with water. With the glass in his hand, Virgil walked to the living room. Roman hadn’t even bothered to turn on the lights. With a smile, Virgil searched for a small light to turn on. Finally, he found a lamp on a small, black cabinet, and he turned it on. It provided a weak light that was enough to see the furniture, but not so bright to blind you completely. Satisfied with this, Virgil walked to the couch and sat down, showing his boyfriend the glass of water.

“Here,” he said, “drink this. Then we should get you into bed, I think.”

Roman nodded as he thankfully took the glass in his hands. He immediately took a small sip, his bright red lipstick staining the glass.

“You’re so sweet,” Roman muttered, “taking care of me and all. Really sweet, Virgie.”

“Well, I couldn’t leave you to your own devices, right?” Virgil shrugged, studying his partner as he took a bigger sip. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay,” the drunk man confessed, “but tired. Stomach hurts too.”

“We can take care of that.”

“Yeah, we can,” Roman agreed with a grin. “You’re so kind. I love you.”

“Of course you do,” Virgil said, trying to brush this comment off as the alcohol speaking. But there was no telling that the State would see this.

“You know I love you right?”

“Sure thing,” Virgil nodded. He had to admit that he loved being with Roman in his house – he was pretty sure this room alone was big enough to fit his entire apartment holy fuck – but it filled him with so much paranoia. What would the State think? Was he being too affectionate? Too unprofessional? What would they think of Roman’s sudden bursts of love? He just prayed that they would not take it was a suspicious act, but just… the alcohol.

 

When Roman had finished the water, Virgil brought his partner to his bedroom, with the necessary instructions. He helped Roman change into his sleepwear – something he _definitely_ hadn’t thought about when taking this job – and he got some water for Roman to drink when he woke up again. On Roman’s request, the assistant got a bucket to put next to his bed, and helped the actor lay down, making sure he wouldn’t fall over.

When all of that was done, Virgil turned off the light and turned around to leave. He opened the door, allowing a tiny bit of light from the hallway to illuminate the dark room, but he was stopped by Roman’s voice.

“Can you please stay?” Roman asked. “It’s gonna be so lonely here and I don’t wanna be alone when I wake up.” Virgil took a breath, not responding to his boyfriend’s question. What would be the correct answer in this situation? What should he do? What would be the best choice?

Taking his silence as reluctance, Roman continued his pleas. “And I- you might help me tomorrow? Please, stay here?”

He raised one arm to illustrate his requests and Virgil hesitated for another moment. He wanted to, of course he did. In all honesty, he would do anything to be with Roman. But would it be smart? He feared that it would be suspicious to the State. Who knew what they would think?

“I-”

“And it’s late,” Roman muttered, looking at the clock on his nightstand. “As your boss, I forbid you from going out. I’ll fire you if you leave. Don’t want pretty people like you running around at this time of night.”

“Alright, fine,” Virgil said with a chuckle. “Don’t want to lose my job, right?”

“Good.” Roman said softly.

“So, is there… a room for me to stay?” Virgil looked at his partner as he asked the question. He would do anything to sleep next to him, but he knew that it would be too-

“Here.”

“I’m sorry, what?” the younger man questioned, wishing that his ears were not playing tricks on him. Did Roman really ask that? He couldn’t have, right?

“Here,” the actor repeated, confirmed Virgil’s suspicions. “With me. Please?”

“Well…” Oh God, how should he respond to him? What did he have to say? “I don’t think I can refuse?”

“No, I’ll fire you if you do.” Roman’s voice grew softer as he turned to his side, cracking one eye open to smirk at Virgil.

“I don’t think I have a choice, then,” the younger male shrugged. He took off his shoes and socks and approached the bed, still afraid that he would have misheard somehow. But as soon as Virgil laid down in the bed, Roman wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close.

“Thank you for being here, Virgie,” he muttered, nuzzlingVirgil’s shirt.

“No problem,” Virgil said softly. In that moment, the exhaustion finally hit him. It was well past four am at this point, and he was more than exhausted. He hadn’t had a great rest the night before and it was difficult to survive a day like this with a low amount of sleep. It didn’t take Roman long to fall asleep, his breath slipping over his lips in short puffs. Virgil had to fight a smile as he looked down at the sleeping figure of his boyfriend. In the weak light that the curtains could not filter, he could vaguely see the outlines of his body, and he could not believe that he was here. Yes, it was risky, the result of Roman drunkenly calling him, but even then… he was _here_. Perhaps this was the only time he could be laying next to his boyfriend, and he wanted to cherish this moment for as long as he could.

Not even a minute later, he had fallen asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *pushes this forwards as a sneaky sneaky spon* https://discord.gg/fUR8Uav


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Hangover, mentions of drinking, throwing up, let me know if I need to tag anything else!

He woke up around four hours later, awoken by a soft groan coming from next to him. For a few moments, Virgil was disoriented as he looked around. The bed was too soft and the room completely unknown to him. It was only when he looked down, confused as to _who was laying next to him_ , that he remembered what had happened the night before. He was in Roman’s room. He was in Roman’s bed. And not only that, but Roman was next to him. somewhere, this felt surreal. It wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening. This would never occur in real life.

But apparently… he was wrong. And in this case, he didn’t care about it either. He was laying next to Roman and, as he was pretty sure this wouldn’t only be the first, but also the last time he would be able to do this, he was at peace with it. He’d need to cherish this moment.

 

Roman shifted next to him, and Virgil just wished he could wake up like this every day of his life, next to the love of his life. But unfortunately, he could not. He bit his lip, trying to hide his fond smile as he looked at Roman.

“Wha- how… Virge?” Roman’s voice cracked a little, still exhausted. “Why are you…”

“Don’t remember what happened last night?” Virgil asked, pulling up one corner of his mouth into a half-smile. Roman flinched at the sudden noise and Virgil softly apologized, quickly making a note to watch his volume.

“Not really.” Roman flinched a little as he pushed himself into a sitting position, reaching for the glass of water on his nightstand.

Virgil smiled as he sat up himself, keeping an eye on his boyfriend. “You called me last night, saying you were lost and needed some assistance. And then you practically forced me to stay with you, threatening you’d fire me otherwise.”

Roman grimaced at the story as he took a sip of the cold water.

“Oh God, did I really do that?” he asked softly. “I am so sorry, did I wake you last night?”

“No, I was just about to go to sleep when you called,” Virgil whispered in response, studying his boyfriend’s face. It was pale and he seemed to flinch at every sound; he wasn’t looking his best. “Don’t worry though, it is fine. I can manage. Oh, you also promised me to pay me double if I went out to find you, by the way.”

“Double?” Roman questioned as he took another small sip of water. “Honestly, I should pay you way more than double for putting up with me. I am so sorry.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” Virgil brushed it off. “And you don’t have to worry about paying me. I would have done it even if you didn’t offer money in return. You don’t actually have to pay me anything.”

“But I- it was in the middle of the night,” Roman protested as he set the glass on his nightstand.

“And I couldn’t let you roam the city at night in your state,” the other explained. “You don’t have to pay me.”

“No, I’m paying you, alright,” the actor persisted weakly as he laid down on his side, so he could still look at Virgil. One hand rose to massage his temple. “Could you get me a painkiller from the bathroom? It’s the- the first door to your left… white cabinet under the sink, white drawer.”

“Of course.” Carefully, Virgil got up from the bed, trying not to disturb Roman too much. “Need anything else?”

“Not for now,” Roman mumbled. “Thank you, though.”

Virgil smiled and slipped out of the room, quickly making his way to the bathroom. Only now, he realized that his shoulders and back ached with a dull pain, not being used to a mattress as soft as Roman’s. Why would anyone even need a mattress that was soft enough to swallow you whole?

Carefully, he opened the door to the bathroom; a room that – like any room in Roman’s house – was so much bigger than anything that Virgil had ever seen. The first thing the young man noticed, was that there was a _bath_ in the room. Something that Virgil hadn’t seen in fifteen years, and if he could, he would take a bath immediately. Tearing his eyes away from the bath, Virgil turned towards the sink, opening the first drawer. It was littered with make-up products, hair products and other products Virgil had never even heard of. After rummaging through the drawer for a bit, he found some painkillers, which he grabbed, before making his way back to the bedroom. The blinds were still closed and Roman had not moved an inch in Virgil’s absence, still curled up underneath the blankets, his eyes closed. Virgil was not sure whether Roman was awake or not, so he tiptoed over to Roman’s side of the bed, placing the painkillers on the nightstand. When he made to leave the older man alone, he was stopped by a soft voice.

“Virge?”

“Yeah?” Virgil asked, turning around to face the other.

“Thank you.”

“It’s not problem,” the assistant responded. “I couldn’t leave you out on your own.”

“You’re a great assistant,” he muttered softly. “And feel free to take anything you want, make yourself at home. I’m gonna try to sleep some more.”

“Okay,” Virgil nodded. “I have my phone with me, so just text me if you need anything.”

“Sure thing.” It was clear that Roman was already drifting off again and Virgil slowly left the bedroom, making his way downstairs. Now that it was light, he was able to properly pay attention to Roman’s house. It was huge, fancy, and _gorgeous_. Virgil felt like an intruder in a house this fancy. He didn’t belong in a place like this – he was sure that if you sold every single thing in here, you would be left with more money than he would make in a lifetime. But… Roman wanted him here, so… he could stay here without it being weird, right? Surely, the State wouldn’t mind if he stayed here, right?

 

Trying to push away his panicked worries, Virgil walked into the big kitchen, trying to find anything he could have for breakfast. It took him a few tries to find some actual edible food – he discovered that Roman had a small cabinet dedicated solely to herbs and spices? Who even has the money for something like that?

It was intriguing to see how Roman lived, but at the same time, it stung. Not because Roman had so much more than he would ever have – Virgil had learned how to live with nothing but the bare minimum, and he was fine with this. No, what hurt him, was the knowledge that he would never be able to share this with Roman. Unless Roman was planning on any more drunk calls in the middle of the night, this would be one of the few times he was allowed to set foot into the man’s house. And sharing a bed was especially off-limits. While their short night together was amazing, and the fact that he could be near Roman was fantastic, he wished that he could be here for a longer period of time. Eternity, for example.

 

Eventually, Virgil got himself two small slices of bread with just some butter. Roman may have told him to take anything he wanted, but that didn’t mean that he was _going_ to. Besides, he hardly knew any of the products the actor owned and he was scared that he would do something wrong. He didn’t dare to turn on the tv or the radio – he did spend a good few moments marvelling over the fact that Roman actually owned a _radio_ – because he was too afraid to hear something that wasn’t meant for his ears, or to see something that wasn’t meant for his eyes. Instead, he just sat on the couch in the living room as he ate his breakfast – which tasted better than anything he had ever tasted, despite its simplicity. When he had finished this, he got his notebook out of his pocket – grateful that he had started leaving it in the pocket of his coat all the time – and doodled some, until he saw his phone lighting up, meaning he had gotten a text. He set his notebook aside and grabbed the device, reading a new message from Roman:

 

_Virge, hate to be a bother, but could you bring me some water? Id do it but my head is killing me rn_

Virgil smiled and quickly let Roman know that he was on his way, before making his way back upstairs. He opened the door, careful not to be too loud for Roman and looked at the actor, who had buried his face in his pillow. Without saying a word, the assistant grabbed the glass from the nightstand and went to the bathroom to fill it up with some water again. When he went back to the bedroom to deliver the drink, he made to leave again, but he was quickly stopped by Roman’s voice.

“Wait.” The man had turned his head to the side, but his voice was still slightly muffled by the pillow. “Can you stay? Just for a bit? I’m sorry, I just… would like some company, I guess.” He chuckled softly, trying to dismiss his confession.

“Yeah, of course,” Virgil nodded. He turned around and walked to the bed. “Is it okay if I sit down?”

“Course it is,” Roman mumbled softly. Virgil nodded again and sat down on the edge of the bed, not wanting to invade Roman’s space too much. The actor cracked an eye open and noticed the distance between the two. “You can come a little closer, you know? I don’t bite.”

“Are you sure?” Virgil asked. “I don’t want to-”

“It’s fine,” the actor interrupted weakly, “trust me.”

“Okay,” he nodded, scooting a little bit closer, still careful. “You really don’t need anything?”

“Not now. I should eat some, but… later,” Roman groaned. “I’m still too nauseous.”

Virgil nodded with a soft hum, but he didn’t speak anymore. A silence fell, and in those quiet moments, the younger man turned to look at his boyfriend. It was still sort of dark in the room, as the curtains blocked out most of the light. But even in the vague lighting, Virgil could easily see his features. His messy hair, his pale skin. His eyes were closed and twitched slightly every so often. For a moment, Virgil thought he had fallen asleep, but then the man started talking again.

“Wasn’t I too- too annoying, yesterday?”

“No, it’s fine,” Virgil reassured him gently. “It was sort of cute, actually. You were quite clingy.”

“Yeah… I’ve been told.”

Virgil let out a soft chuckle as he looked at Roman. He wasn’t quite sure what to say. He knew what he _wanted_ to say, but he knew he couldn’t say any of that. If he could, Virgil would tell his partner how much he loved him, how happy he was to be with him – despite the circumstances – and how utterly _adorable_ drunk him was. But none of that was professional, and he couldn’t afford to make the State any more suspicious than they already were – probably.

“Did you manage to sleep?” Roman asked after a brief silence fell between the two of them.

“A bit,” Virgil nodded in response. “Enough to last a day, at least.”

Roman raised an eyebrow at the other.

“I’m fine! You should worry about yourself, you’re the one with a hangover.”

“No, I’m not.”

Virgil chuckled softly. “Sure.”

 

Roman opened his mouth to respond, but quickly closed it again. He sat up again, his movements calculated and slow.

“Are you… okay?” Virgil asked, furrowing his brows in worry. Roman held up a hand and reached over to the side of his bed, quickly grabbing the bucket Virgil had gotten the night before.

 

Virgil flinched slightly and looked away as the other threw up. It was not exactly the most pleasant of moments between the two, that was easy to say. 

“God,” Roman muttered as he pushed the bucket away. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Virgil dismissed quickly. “I’ll get rid of that for you.”

“Virge, you don’t-”

“You’re not getting out of your bed until you feel better,” Virgil said quickly, looking at Roman. “It’s fine, really. Do you need anything else?”

Roman slowly shook his head. “Not right now. Thank you, though.”

 

The rest of that day, Virgil did his best to take care of Roman as best as he could, until his hangover was as good as gone. Even then, Virgil made sure the other ate something, took proper care of himself before leaving.

“Honestly, Virgil, thank you for putting up with me,” Roman said, taking a sip from the glass of water in his hand. “I really appreciate it.”

“Well, it’s my job after all,” Virgil shrugged.

“I doubt that taking care of a drunk me, or a hungover me was in your job description.” Roman ran a hand through his hair as he put down the glass in his other hand. “Seriously, your help is much appreciated. Let’s hope I won’t call you again at three in the morning.”

“I won’t mind it,” Virgil admitted with a small smile. “I barely sleep anyways.”

“You should, though.”

“I’ve adapted to living on the minimal amount of sleep, it’s fine.”

Roman frowned a bit at this statement. “You should get some more sleep then,” he stated. “You know what? You can take tomorrow off, you’ve deserved that much. Okay?”

“Well, if you insist,” Virgil said, smiling up at his boyfriend. He could use a day off, to be fair. Maybe he could do something with Patton tomorrow? “Thank you.”

“Of course, Virgil,” Roman nodded. “Thank _you_. Get home safely.”

“I think I can manage that,” Virgil nodded. “It’s the middle of the day, so I don’t think there will be much of a problem there.”

“Good.”

 

Roman and Virgil walked towards the front door together.

“I’ll let you know when we’ll pick you up on Wednesday, I just need to check my schedule first,” Roman said as he opened the door for Virgil.

“Sure thing,” the other nodded, stepping outside. “I’ll see you on Wednesday, then.”

 

Roman confirmed this and, after a quick goodbye, closed the door. When the door closed behind him, Virgil made his way back to his own apartment. He didn’t know exactly _where_ he was, after all, it was dark when he came here, but he knew the general direction in which he had to go, and he hoped that would be enough. After all, he just had to get out of this part of town, back to either the centre, or the UMC Quarters, and he would be fine. As long as he didn’t run into any UCs here, he would be fine. There were quite a lot of UCs who weren’t fond of seeing someone like Virgil in their neighbourhood – or any place they believed to be reserved for UCs only – and they were not quiet about it. of course, there were more than enough who didn’t mind, but these people tend to be drowned out by the less pleasant ones. And there happened to be a lot of those less pleasant ones.

 

Luckily, Virgil didn’t run into a lot of people on his way out. Every time he did pass someone, he would turn his head away, trying to pretend he wasn’t there, to not provoke them. He knew some UCs – the real big assholes – could be offended by an LMC as much as breathing in their direction. He just wanted to be safe. Fortunately, every one just ignored Virgil, just frowning at him in disapproval and confusion, wondering what he was doing _here_ , instead of confronting him.

After wandering about for just a bit, trying to find out where to go, Virgil soon made it to the UMC Quarters, and from there, he made it to the lower class centre. From there on, it was easy to go on to his apartment.

 

At first, Virgil wanted to go to his own apartment, but as he stopped in front of his door, he turned around. He had been busy with his job lately, and he had barely had time to spend some quality time with Patton. They couldn’t even spend Valentine’s day together. Maybe he would be able to talk to Patton, or maybe they could arrange to meet tomorrow? Virgil really did miss his partner, so he hoped there was at least someone he could do.

But then again, he needed to change into something else first. He had been wearing these clothes for quite some time now, so… yeah, he needed to change.

 

So, he did. He stepped into his apartment, immediately going to his room to change. He also should make an arrangement to get the heater fixed, he noted, as he now finally had enough money. Truth be told, he had had the money for a while, but he had been away a lot lately, and it slipped his mind completely. But that was something to worry about later. Right now, Virgil just wanted to see Patton.

 

So, as soon as he had changed into new clothes, he left his apartment again, immediately heading towards Patton’s place across the hall. He vaguely heard Patton’s voice talking to someone. So he was at home, then. That was something. Virgil just hoped he wasn’t disturbing anything important as he softly knocked on the door.

Patton’s conversation briefly halted, before he called out: “Who’s there?”

“It’s me,” Virgil responded, “Virge.”

“Oh, hey!” Patton yelled back. “Give me a second, babe, I’ll be right with you!”

 

Virgil nodded and waited for his queerplatonic partner to open the door. The other kept talking for just a few more moments before he wrapped up the conversation, quickly walking to his door, opening it for his partner.

 

“Virge!” he exclaimed with a grin, wrapping his arms around the other. “I missed you!”

Virgil chuckled softly, returning the hug. “I missed you too, Pat,” he responded, closing his eyes as he cherished the hug. “I’m sorry, I’ve been busy with… work.”

“That’s okay, dear,” Patton mumbled. He pulled away, his hands still on Virgil’s shoulders. “I understand. Do you want to come in?”

“I mean… if it’s not too much of a burden to you…”

“Of course! I would love to have you here, Virge,” the older man told his partner, gently kissing his forehead. “You’re never a burden to me. You can wake me up at three am, and I will still welcome you with open arms.”

Virgil smiled and grabbed one of Patton’s hands. “Well, if you’re sure…”

“Of course I am.” Patton stepped aside, allowing Virgil to enter. The latter smiled and stepped inside, still holding his partner’s hand in his.

“Hey, guess what?” he commented as Patton closed the door behind him. “I’m free tomorrow, so if you’re available… maybe we could… I don’t know, do something together?”

“I would love to!” Patton nodded excitedly. “I’ve got to work tomorrow morning, but I’m free in the afternoon, so we can go somewhere?”

The two stopped, in the middle of the room, facing each other. Virgil nodded, smiling as his partner as he rested his head on the other’s chest. He heard Patton’s comforting heartbeat and sighed contently. He didn’t know why, but hearing his heart beating really calmed him down. He enjoyed it.

 

Patton chuckled as he steadied the younger man, slowly moving the two of them to his small couch. They wordlessly sat down and moved into a more comfortable cuddling position, Virgil still resting his head on Patton’s chest while the latter ran his hand through his hair.

As he sat there, Virgil realised just how _tired_ he was. Sitting there, with his head on Patton’s chest, listening to his heartbeat, with one arm around his waist while the other played with his hair… it was so calming, so peaceful.

He sighed softly as he cuddled just a little bit closer to Patton. God, he loved his partner so much. He was so comfortable, and he wished he could stay like this. Not fearing the State, just… calm.

Somewhere, it felt like he was betraying Roman by these thoughts, but… no that wasn’t right. He was still in love with Roman, he still loved him more than anyone else. Patton and him… they were platonic. Nothing like his relationship with Roman. And Roman was okay with it. It was fine. It wasn’t the same. It was fine.

 

Virgil made a content noise vaguely reminiscent of a purr, causing Patton to shoot him a wide grin that he couldn’t see as his eyes blinked shut. In this position, he quickly fell asleep.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: I don't think there are any? Let me know if I forgot something tho!

As they had arranged, Virgil and Patton hung out all of the next afternoon. They spent it mostly walking through the city, walking through the forest, and cuddling in Patton’s apartment – as that was the warm apartment of the two. Virgil was just ecstatic to spend some time with his partner. He should make sure to thank Roman for this day of later on, he noted mentally as he and Patton sat on the couch together.

They even had dinner together, though they didn’t make anything; they just warmed up something Patton had made the day before. But that was okay, because at least they were together and having a good time together.

It was easy to say that, when Virgil _finally_ made it to his bed, just past midnight, he fell asleep nearly immediately.

 

A few days had passed, and nothing happened. But one day, he woke up a bit before his alarm clock would wake him. He checked the time and groaned softly as he saw that it was nearly seven am. He’d have to get up soon to prepare for work, but… he felt from the moment he woke up that this day would not be a particularly _good_ one. His mind felt… clouded, and… weird. It was a feeling he knew all too well, unfortunately.

Okay, first step: getting out of his bed. But not yet. Just a few more minutes. A dangerous phrase to live by, and he knew this. Despite this, Virgil closed his eyes. Just for a second.

 

But before he knew it, the man heard his phone ringing. He sighed as he picked up the device, checking the caller-ID. His heart stopped beating as he saw that it was Roman calling him. Of course it was, he immediately berated himself. There weren’t many others with his phone number, after all.

He picked up the phone, slowly pushing himself up. “Hey,” he said softly, his voice cracking slightly. “Roman, I-”

“Virge, where are you?” his boss interrupted, his voice gentler and more worried than Virgil had expected. “We’re standing outside.”

“I know,” the younger man muttered, “I know, sorry. I- I fell back asleep, a- and…”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Roman told him softly. “That’s okay, I was just worried something happened. Are you okay, though?”

In reality, no. He wasn’t really. But he wasn’t going to upset Roman by telling him that. “Yeah,” he nodded. “Yeah, I’m… good.”

“Are you sure?” Roman persisted. “Cause I mean… you don’t _have_ to come, it’s fine if you want to stay in today.”

“No, I’m… fine,” Virgil said. Quite honestly, he would love to stay home. He didn’t want to get up, he didn’t want to deal with… well… _life_. But he felt like he couldn’t do that to Roman. They were here already. He couldn’t let them just drive here without any real reason. “Besides, you drove here, and… it’s too late now. And I need the money.”

“Don’t worry about us, Virgil, it’s no effort, really! You can stay home if you really want,” the actor said, clearly not convinced that Virgil was, in fact, fine. “Tell you what, if you manage to respond to MNC’s email, I’ll still pay you for the whole day, okay? Sounds fair?”

Virgil opened his mouth to respond, but he closed it nearly immediately. To be fair, this sounded anything but fair. He wouldn’t be doing anything, yet he’d still be paid? Sure, it sounded more than ideal, but… not fair. “I… guess?” he mumbled finally, even if he… didn’t really think so. He didn’t want to upset Roman.

“It’s decided then,” the UC stated finally, before Virgil could say anything else. “Take care of yourself, Virgil. And let me know if you feel like working tomorrow, okay? Don’t feel pressured to show up if you feel like you can’t.”

“Okay,” Virgil sighed, seeing that he could not argue with this. He pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. “Okay, fine. Thank you, Roman.”

“No problem,” Roman answered. “I only want the best for you. I will check up on you at the end of the day, to see if we need to pick you up tomorrow, is that alright?”

“Sure,” the LMC nodded. “Thanks. Good luck on set today.”

“Thank you, you have a good day today.”

Virgil smiled and thanked Roman one last time, before the other guy ended the phone call. As soon as it was done, the LMC fell back onto his mattress, burying his head in his pillow. He just wanted this to be over. He wanted to be able to see Roman again, not… whatever this was. He just wanted to be _okay_ for once. But apparently, that was too much to ask.

 

He barely realised he fell asleep, only noticing it when he opened his eyes again and saw that his alarm clock told him that it was almost five pm. With a soft groan, Virgil dropped his head on his pillow, holding it close to himself. He probably had to eat, but… eating would mean getting up. And with his entire body feeling heavy, like it was made out of lead, that wasn’t ideal. He’d rather stay in bed and sleep for all eternity. But he couldn’t. He had life to deal with. He needed to email MNC, a news site, about their request to interview Roman. He had to make an arrangement to get his fucking heater fixed for once. He had to _do things_. He couldn’t stay in bed forever.

 

But he wanted to.

So badly.

 

He didn’t feel like he had the energy to really… get up. Or to socialise – even if it was only over mail. He just… couldn’t. But he had to.

 

With a deep breath, Virgil pushed himself up. Even this seemed like an effort to him, but… baby steps, right? At least he was making some sort of progress.

Admittedly, it took him some time to… well… get up for real, but at least he did it. Which was something, at least. He hated how much time and effort it seemed to take to do something that was so small and insignificant, but on these days… getting out of bed was quite something for him. But even when he told himself that, he still felt bad about it. And he still felt bad about leaving Roman to go to the set all by himself when he was _supposed_ to be working today. Roman was too kind for his own good. Virgil wasn’t complaining; he was delighted to have both a boyfriend and a boss who was so sweet and caring and just… amazing. But at the same time, he feared that being sweet and caring and amazing wasn’t always enough to survive in a society like this. It was risky, especially if you were a UC, being kind to an LMC. Some people didn’t appreciate that as much. Roman didn’t seem to care, but Virgil always had a tiny hint of anxiety about it. he was scared someone would see him as a traitor and turn him in to the State, which would lead to the State investigating them – if they weren’t doing so already – and that would surely mean the death of them. They couldn’t afford to act outside of the norm, yet here they were. But they had survived for this long, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. He couldn’t help but feel like something would go wrong soon. They couldn’t keep going forever.

With a sigh, Virgil managed to pull himself out of bed. It took him more time than he was willing to admit, but luckily, no one else was here to witness that.

For… breakfast… he had a glass of water and an apple. It wasn’t too much, and he knew that both Roman and Patton would scold him if they found out, but that’s why they wouldn’t find out. It was all Virgil could take in right now anyways. He wasn’t hungry right now.

After he had eaten some… Virgil knew he should probably take a shower, but he didn’t feel like it. It was cold and he just… didn’t want to shower. So it was on to the email, then.

 

MNC, short for Media News Central, was a news channel slash magazine that reported any big happening in the world of media. Apparently, they were one of the biggest media channels in the country, if not the biggest. Not that Virgil knew; their content wasn’t meant for the LMCs. The only reason he found out about it, was because he had received an email from MNC, who wanted to interview Roman for something in their magazine. He was quite embarrassed to ask Roman about it, though his partner didn’t seem to mind. Despite that, it was just... weird to be in contact with all these people who were apparently so big, and him not knowing about them was one more thing that caused him to doubt if this job was meant for him. This was showbiz, and not any kind of showbiz, it was _Upper Class showbiz_. This was the big thing, not the tiny, shitty showbiz the lower classes had for themselves, no. This was the kind of showbiz Virgil could never ever see. This was the real deal. And he felt like he didn’t belong there. He was an LMC for fucks sake. He doubted there were even any UMCs working on Roman’s current movie – and if there were, they were probably the prop or camera guys. And as Elisa had said, there certainly weren’t any LMCs, except for Virgil. He was so out of place. He didn’t belong there. The only reason he got the job, was because he was dating Roman. If it had been fair play, if he hadn’t known Roman, there was no way he would have been hired. They would have hired a UMC. Someone who was actually competent. Someone who _knew_ how technology worked, someone who _knew_ the people or companies they would have to contact, and someone who didn’t get so fucking anxious over contacting them. He was in no way qualified for the job, and the fact that he did get it made him so very anxious. He loathed it. Yes, the job was better than his previous job at Harvey’s. Yes, most of the people were kind – and even the not-so-kind-people weren’t giant assholes. But that didn’t mean that he _belonged_. He didn’t. He didn’t belong in this kind of world, and he was bound to mess things up at some point. He wasn’t meant to be doing a job like this, he wasn’t supposed to be here. For fuck’s sake, Roman had to _buy_ him a laptop to do his job, all because he didn’t have the money to buy one himself. How could he be fit for this job if he didn’t even have the money to buy the stuff he needed? He was pretty sure that this laptop was more expensive than anything he owned combined. He shouldn’t be here, he shouldn’t have this thing. He shouldn’t have this job. He didn’t deserve this.

With a sigh, Virgil logged into his mail. He didn’t exactly feel like doing this, but he would only have to send one mail, and then he would be done. He already knew what to tell them, so really, he only had to put it into words and that would be it. He should be able to do that, right?

 

He had just started the email, when he realised it was nearly six o’clock. With a sigh, he turned on the television, seeing some weird… sitcom show ending. He had a few minutes, so he might be able to finish the email just in time.

It took a bit of effort to not only write the email, but to also sound professional enough to send it. Words were difficult at this moment, but he _did_ manage. He told MNC that Roman would love to do an interview, but that he was quite busy at the moment. However, he would love to try to arrange something for an interview. Easy enough.

He was just finishing off the email as he heard the beginning of the news. Luckily, he managed to send the mail just before it started for real. Well... that was work for the day, then.

 

A few hours later, Virgil saw the screen of his phone lighting up with a text notification. He reached out for his phone and read the message, seeing that it came from Roman.

 

**_Roman:_ ** _Hey, Virgil. How are you?_

He smiled slightly at the text his boyfriend sent him. It was sweet that he did care. Roman was a great guy.

 

**_Virgil:_ ** _…_

**_Virgil:_ ** _Eh._

**_Roman:_ ** _Eh? That doesn’t sound good_

**_Virgil:_ ** _Yeah, it’s not. Feeling kind of… eh._

**_Roman:_ ** _So… safe to say we don’t have to pick you up tomorrow?_

**_Virgil:_ ** _Yeah…_

**_Virgil:_ ** _Sorry._

**_Roman:_ ** _That’s alright, Virgil! Don’t worry, I understand_

**_Roman:_ ** _You can take some time off if that’s what you need, it’s okay_

**_Roman:_ ** _Did you email MNC?_

**_Virgil:_ ** _Yeah._

**_Roman:_ ** _Good. Thank you_

**_Roman:_ ** _I’ll let you know what to do tomorrow, alright?_

**_Virgil:_ ** _Sure, thanks._

**_Roman:_ ** _No problem. Take care of yourself_

**_Roman:_ ** _And take your time. It’s okay to not be okay. Don’t rush yourself into work if you don’t feel like it, okay? Mental health is important_

**_Virgil:_ ** _Yeah… okay_

**_Virgil:_ ** _Thank you_

Virgil took a deep breath as he closed the messages. God, Roman was such a sweetheart. He was so supportive and sweet, and Virgil didn’t know what he had to deserve this man.

But despite this, Virgil couldn’t help the tears burning in the corners of his eyes. He didn’t know why, but this conversation, and Roman’s words in particular, had hit something. But he couldn’t put his finger on it.

 

With a soft sob, Virgil reached up, wiping the tears from his eyes. Why was he feeling like this, why was he crying? He wasn’t sure. And he wasn’t sure if he liked this or not.

He put his feet on the chair, pulling his legs close, so he could bury his face in his legs as he cried. He felt stupid for having this reaction. Why was he crying, really? Because Roman said something to him that was remotely sweet? Really? He really needed to pull himself together if this is what he had come to.

But he couldn’t help it. Something inside him broke. The thing that kept him together had broken, once again. It had been broken many times, and Virgil kept trying to glue it, but it kept breaking anyways. And he broke with it. Every time this… this barrier cracked, he broke down too. And there was nothing he could do.

His chest and stomach ached from his heavy sobbing, and his head felt lightheaded and he got dizzy. He was shaking so much, and he felt so fucking weak. He didn’t even know why he was crying so much. He hated it when this happened.

When Virgil felt like there were no tears left for him to cry, he got up. His legs were heavy and shaking, and for a moment, Virgil felt like he would collapse. He held onto the backrest of his chair, taking a few shaky breaths to steady himself. Then, he slowly made his way towards his kitchen, getting himself some water. He felt like he had no water left in his body, like he had cried out every single drop of liquid he used to have. And he was so dizzy and lightheaded. Maybe he should eat. But he wasn’t hungry.

When he had successfully picked up a glass – he nearly dropped it, and it was glad he hadn’t, because he feared that would send him right into another panic attack – Virgil filled it to the brim with water. When he had done that, he sat down on the floor, leaning his back against the counter as he took small sips of water. 

He couldn’t keep doing this. He was trying to keep himself together, even though he was falling apart bit by bit. It was exhausting, trying to be well, trying to be functional, when he was simultaneously pushing himself to the edge over and over. He tried to keep himself together, knowing full well that it was impossible. He was already broken, and simple glue wasn’t going to heal him. It might be a temporary solution, but he was slowly falling apart. He couldn’t do this alone. He needed help, he knew this. And if he could afford it… he might actually do it. But he couldn’t. it was way too expensive. So, he was left to suffer on his own, trying to ignore how he was slowly falling apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long overdue, here's the new chapter! Don't forget to check out State of Being, where I'll post some AU one shots and deleted scenes that didn't make it to the final cut (:


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Some swearing, self-deprecation. I think that's it? Let me know if I missed something

It took a few days until Virgil felt like he was able to go back to work. For once, he took his time to really rest. He never did this, as he needed the money, and if he didn’t work, he wouldn’t get paid. But with Roman, paying him even if he only sent out one mail, and with him telling him time after time to take care of himself… he felt like it would be okay if he skipped out on work for a few days. It still felt bad – and he doubted that he’d ever feel good about skipping work, to be fair – but he really did need it.

 

It took him a total of three days before he went back into work. Admittedly, he probably could use a few more days off, but the LMC was scared to miss out on any more work. He was mostly afraid of what people would think about him if he missed out on so much work. Especially as it hadn’t even been a month since he was hired. He didn’t want to appear lazy, or unmotivated. So, back to work it was. He could deal with this anyways, it wouldn’t be the first time he had to work with shitty mental health. At least this job wasn’t as exhausting as his old job at Harvey’s. That was good.

 

So, that Tuesday morning, it was back to waking up at seven am. Getting out of bed was… a pain in the ass. Virgil wanted nothing less than to stay in his bed and go back asleep. The loner he slept, the sooner this day would be over. But he missed Roman, and he didn’t want to disappoint his partner by missing work again. So, he had to get out.

He was lucky he didn’t spend much time on showering or breakfast that morning.

 

After a shower that was hardly long enough, Virgil had a breakfast that was… hardly enough. He just had a cracker and grabbed an apple for later. He wasn’t that hungry. He could eat something on set later, if he really had to.

 

Then, Virgil slowly left his apartment, walking downstairs to wait for Roman and Mitch to show up. He was a little later than usually, but still on time. He only had to wait a few minutes before the familiar black car showed up.

With a vague smile, he walked towards the car as it came to a halt, opening the door as soon as it stopped.

 

“Glad to see you again, Virgil,” Roman smiled as soon as the other guy sat down. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Yeah,” Virgil murmured with a slight nod. “Kind of, I guess?”

“Just take it slow, okay?” the actor continued. “It’s okay. I don’t care how much you get done, just… don’t push yourself too much.”

Virgil nodded, biting his lip. He looked outside, using it as an excuse to avoid Roman’s worried eyes. “Yeah…” he whispered, “thank you.”

 

Virgil was pretty sure he fell asleep somewhere during the car ride to the studios, cause it seemed to be a whole lot shorter than he remembered. He never recalled falling asleep, but it was the most logical explanation. Either that or… the road magically grew shorter in the time of his absence. So yeah, he must have fallen asleep. But he still didn’t feel any more rested when he stepped out of the car. But whatever. Not like he was ever not tired. He was used to that by now.

 

“Are you okay, Virgil?” Roman asked softly as the two walked towards the studio.

Virgil nodded, looking down as his feet. “I’m just… tired, is all,” he shrugged. “But it’s fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Virgil wasn’t too convincing just yet, but he was absolutely exhausted. If he didn’t feel so bad about skipping work so often, he might have stayed home today. But he felt like he could handle it today, and he didn’t want to make a bad impression by staying home for any longer than he had to. And now they were here.

“Alright…” Roman dragged, not really believing Virgil, but not pushing too much either. “Just take it easy, okay? You can always go to my dressing room if things get too overwhelming for you on the set?”

“That… doesn’t sound bad, actually,” Virgil said softly. “If it’s not too much of a bother… I think I’d like that.”

“Of course!” the actor made sure to watch his volume as he spoke. “It’s not a bother, Virgil. I wouldn’t have offered it otherwise.”

Virgil nodded. “Okay… okay, yeah. Thank you.”

 

Most of that morning, Virgil sat in Roman’s dressing room. He had tried to hang around on the set, but he finally felt like he needed some space for himself, and this was the only room he dared to go to on his own. He was trying to write a mail on his laptop, when Roman’s phone buzzed. He flinched as the screen lit up, praying to whatever higher power there might be that it was _not_ a call he would have to take. Roman used his phone for both personal, and some professional calls – not all, only the ones his manager deemed important enough for him to handle professionally. When Roman was out shooting scenes, Virgil would look over his phone and take any call he might have to take. To prevent confusion, they had made an arrangement. Any personal call would be a contact with a heart in front of it. An unknown number, or a contact without a heart was something Virgil should take.

Unfortunately for him, this was an unknown number. He hated unknown numbers the most, as he had no idea what to expect from these people. Socializing with strangers was bad of its own, but if he didn’t know who this number belonged to… that was probably ten times worse. Especially now. Virgil did not feel like talking to anyone. But he was too afraid of upsetting someone, or messing something up if he didn’t answer the call. So he would have to.

 

With a sigh, Virgil picked up the phone, shifting a bit in his seat.

“Virgil Casey,” he answered, “eh- Roman Lufé’s assistant. Can I help you?”

“He’s got an assistant now?” the person on the other side commented, without bothering to introduce themself. “He’s getting more extra every month.”

“That’s Roman for you,” Virgil responded softly, lifting the collar* of his shirt to his mouth. “May I help you?”

“Yeah, actually! You can,” the other person replied, a little louder. Virgil flinched away a bit as he waited for them to continue. “Is Roman available right now? I kinda need to talk to him.”

“I’m afraid he isn’t. He is working on a movie right now- recording a scene, I mean. Can I… take a message?” Virgil leaned his forehead on his hand, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to focus on the stranger’s voice and not freak out too much.

“Oh, no, no that’s fine. Just… tell him Remy called and that they need him to call back asap.”

“Alright,” Virgil nodded, making a small mental note to write it down once Remy ended the call. “I will tell him to call you back.”

“Awesome! Thank you.”

 

After they ended the call, Virgil typed out a quick message on his laptop to remind himself to tell Roman that he had to call this… Remy-person.

 

After he had finished the two scenes he had to work on for the time being, Roman came to his dressing room, to see how Virgil was holding up.

“Hey there,” he smiled gently as he closed the door behind him. “How are you doing?”

Virgil shrugged in response. “Not horrible,” he answered.

“Well, that’s something, I guess,” Roman responded carefully. “At least you’re… not horrible, then.”

“Yeah.” Virgil stayed silent after that, before he remembered the person who had called him not long before that. “Oh yeah… someone called,” he added quickly, gesturing to Roman’s phone. “You haven’t saved the number, though. It was- eh… Remy? They want you to call them back.”

“Remy?” Roman raised his eyebrows, a twinkle of recognition in his eyes. “Did they give you a last name?”

Virgil paused, trying to remember if he heard a last name. He couldn’t remember that the guy had given him a last name. “No…” he said, slowly shaking his head, “just Remy, I think.”

“Alright,” the actor nodded, still smiling, though he was still slightly holding back, scared to jump to the wrong conclusion. “Guess I’ll give them a call later, then. Thank you, Virgil. How are you feeling?”

Virgil shrugged. “Tired. But that’s nothing new, so…”

“It’s okay, just take it easy, okay? If you want, I could try to call a cab, so you can go home early?”

“No, no, you don’t have to! There’s no need, really, I can manage,” Virgil said quickly. He appreciated the offer, but he didn’t want to cost Roman any extra money or effort. He could deal with this for the day. Tomorrow would be an easy day anyways, as Roman only had a few scenes to shoot, and there wasn’t much to do for him otherwise.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to overwork yourself, Virgil. It’s no big deal if you want to leave early. Mental health is important.”

Going home did sound good, but… he would feel horrible if he cost Roman any more money than necessary. And of top of that, it felt bad to just… leave. It wasn’t even something big, other than, well… bad mental health. He should be able to deal with that right?

“Look, it’s no problem, Virgil,” Roman said softly, sitting down opposite Virgil. “I can call someone to pick you up, if that’s what you want. It’s okay.”

 

Virgil ran a hand through his hair, sighing. He _wanted_ to say yes, but it would feel bad. It would be selfish to go home when he still had work to do. He couldn’t go home now.

But Roman seemed to think something else entirely.

 

“You look absolutely exhausted,” he noted gently. “Please, go home, okay?”

With a sigh, Virgil looked up to meet Roman’s eyes. A mistake, as he knew he could never say no to Roman. “Fine,” he nodded. “I guess.”

“Okay,” the actor smiled, unlocking his phone. “I’ll be right back.”

 

He left the room, and Virgil heard him softly talking to someone on the phone, and after a few minutes, he came back.

“I called Mitch,” he announced as he entered the room. “He’s currently a few towns over, but he’ll come over as soon as he can. He’ll be here in a little over thirty minutes.”

Virgil slowly nodded. “Alright… thank you.”

“Of course,” Roman said, shooting Virgil one of the most charming smiles he had ever seen. Though there was something hiding behind the smile that Virgil could not quite place.

 

About forty minutes later, Roman got a message from Mitch, saying he was standing outside. It was during Roman’s break, so he could take the call himself, and Virgil didn’t have to worry about social interaction.

When Roman got the call, he quickly told his colleagues that he would be right back, so he could walk Virgil out, despite the latter telling him that there was no need for this. He insisted.

“Virgil, I just want you to know that you’re not obligated to come to work, okay?” he said softly, walking along with his assistant. “If you don’t feel up to it, just stay home.”

“I know, I know,” he sighed, his shoulders hunching forwards just a bit. “But I want to. It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?”

Virgil nodded. “Very.”

“Well…” Roman hesitated. “If you say so… just take care of yourself.”

Virgil bit back a comment about how difficult it was to take care of yourself if you didn’t _care_ about yourself. And just nodded, shooting Roman a faltering smile. He kept feeling like there was something off about the way Roman acted, but he didn’t comment on it. After all, there was probably a good explanation.

“That’s all I ask,” the actor smiled as he opened the door for Virgil. “Do you think you will be able to come in tomorrow?”

“I think so,” Virgil answered, slightly hesitant as he took a step or two outside.

“Will you let me know if you change your mind?”

“Of course.”

“That’s good,” Roman nodded. “Now, I won’t keep you any longer. I will see you later. Rest a bit.”

“Yeah,” Virgil said softly. “I will see you later.”

 

He turned around, quickly spotting Mitch’s car not far away. With a sigh, he walked towards the car, getting in.

“Hey, Virgil,” Mitch greeted gently as he got in. “How are you?”

Virgil shrugged as he fastened his seatbelt. “Don’t know. Could be better, but… could be worse too, I guess.”

“Do you wanna talk?” the driver asked as he started the car. “Or would you prefer some quiet?”

“Quiet, I think,” Virgil muttered. “If that’s okay.”

“Of course it is! Do you want to listen to some music instead, or is that too much?”

Virgil shook his head, looking outside. “No… music is okay, I think.”

Mitch hummed in response as he softly turned on the radio. “Tell me if you want me to change it, okay?”

Instead of speaking, Virgil nodded, looking outside. He hated the fact that he was making Mitch drive him home, he only cost him time and effort now. He hated the fact that he left work early, leaving Roman alone. He just wanted to be okay. He just wanted to be able to work properly, like a normal fucking human being. But that was too much to ask, apparently. No, he couldn’t fucking function normally.

 

The car ride home was both long and short at the same time. One the one hand, it seemed to last forever. But at the same time, it felt like it was over in a matter of seconds. Virgil was relieved to see his apartment block appearing. Quite a rarity. It wasn’t often that he was happy to be back home.

“Thank you,” he muttered as the car slowly came to a halt. “And… I’m sorry, I guess.”

“Sorry? About what?”

Virgil shrugged. “About making you drive all this way.”

“Hey, that’s okay,” Mitch reassured him. “It’s my job, after all. It’s okay, Virge.”

“Alright,” he sighed. Even though Mitch said this… it felt bad. “Thank you.”

Mitch turned around, smiling at his friend. “No problem,” he nodded. “Take care, okay?”

“Of course,” he said.

“Good. I’ll see you… later, then.”

Virgil nodded as he slowly opened the door. “Yeah, see you later.”

 

He flinched as he slammed the door shut behind him. It was loud – maybe a little bit too loud for him right now.

Despite himself, Virgil turned around, shooting Mitch a quick smile before the guy left. Then, he walked back to his apartment. Perfect time for an afternoon of… doing exactly nothing, feeling bad about doing nothing, followed by more doing nothing. Just the perfect way to spend his day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, here is my first fic of the year :D  
> Happy new year to you guys, I hope this year will be amazing for you guys!!

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s another story I’ve been working on! I want this to be a longer fic and I think this has the potential to be a full length story and that’s why I want to spend more time on it, so updates might be a bit slower. We’ll see. I hope you’ll enjoy this :D

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Set Of Mind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16603451) by [triggermoreliketiger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/triggermoreliketiger/pseuds/triggermoreliketiger)




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